by Nick James
‘No, Barclays,’ Susan/Brian/Brittany answered. I never condone violence on women, but I could have punched her.
I ran off to the lifts, which rocketed to the heavens, so I could share my good fortune with my inappropriate friend Mark. First, of course, was the office game M&M free shot. Emily didn’t move an inch when I entered our office, so I took up the challenge. The chocolate-covered peanut flew true and never touched flesh. It just scraped the lace-covered globes of love as it travelled down, making everyone except Dreyfuss cheer. What a morning!
If only the day had stayed like that.
Files were all good. There was hardly anything dreamt that made me want to call the taste police or even hunt them down myself. Well, apart from some sicko dreaming of a certain clown from a burger joint mounting the king of another. Luckily, that wasn’t leaked onto the Web, but I don’t think I will eat there ever again.
Just after lunch we all got called into a meeting by the top two bosses and our manager. Jones, McAllister and Kettering walked in, and what a fine shine Albert had on his dome this morning. I didn’t like the wanker, but you have to respect a shiny dome.
Kettering walked forward to the lectern. ‘Good afternoon, this is just a quick meeting. We have had several cyberattacks as of late, mainly from North Korea and China,’ he said and looked at his paperwork, which seemed to be a nervous tick. ‘But also from some home-grown idiots,’ he explained to the crowd, who then started to whisper.
The bald-headed prick even locked eyes with me. Ever since he received a Croc in the head from Mummy Li, he had been pissed off with me, but I couldn’t really blame him.
‘But the main reason why John and I wanted this meeting is because I was approached by some people of Chinese descent, trying to pressure me into selling them files of our customers’ dreams and contact details,’ Kettering said, making the room move from whispers to murmuring. ‘It is important that you come to us if you are ever threatened or even just approached by these kinds of people. Don’t say anything to provoke them; just walk away and phone anyone in either mine or John’s department. We cannot let these people win!’ Albert shouted and slammed his fist into the now creaking lectern.
The director of internal security now walked forward. ‘Just come to us. Our doors are always open and conversations will be kept private,’ Jones said to the group as Kettering melted into the background to calm down. ‘But if anyone is found downloading, emailing or copying any of our customers’ files, you will be fired and prosecuted. Remember, you may think the computers are yours, but they are company property and we have every right to check what’s on them. Do you understand?’
The whole room was stunned and just nodded. Fair play, they were serious. Mark looked like he should have sat on a towel.
We talked about the meeting for the rest of the day. I deleted some things on my computer: sign-up papers for Hicks to join the French Foreign Legion, an application form for Emily to star as a topless model for a certain newspaper, and – although it broke my heart – I decided to give up my quest to get my boss Dreyfuss/Hooper on the Deadliest Catch programme. A man can dream to help his friends.
The main thing was that my buddy Mark kept his hands off me and his name off a certain register for a certain type of person. No means no, Mark!
During a pint at the Slop Bucket public house, we had a long conversation about the pros and cons of bringing a powerful magnet to attract our pierced bringer of ale. Unfortunately, our common sense kicked in when Emily wanted to go home with Hicks and play soldier and hostage.
I slipped on my earphones and let the Beastie Boys serenade me back to Brooklyn – well, Canning Town, but close enough. I gave the buskers a quid for being quiet as I danced past. So, apart from the Chinese-hating Kettering it had been a great day. I wondered if Bunny would play samurai and stranded goods trader. Yes, I know she’s not Japanese, but it’s my fantasy, so piss off.
The boys from New York sang to me all the way home. As I entered my murder-free flat, there stood my beautiful Bunny. ‘Hey, Mama, what’s the word?’ Yes, I’m so street.
‘Hey, love, did you get a text from your mum today?’
‘Yep, she’s off in the Alps braiding yaks or something,’ I answered, dancing my way over to her and then spinning her around like they do on TV. And no, not COPS.
She sighed. ‘How much have you drunk? Anne is in Portugal…idiot,’ and pulled away as I spun myself around.
I shrugged. ‘Ah well, close.’ I smiled at my Chinese rose, but she had a sad look on her face. ‘You okay, hon? What’s happened?’
‘We need to talk,’ she said, making the room still. Even Fred looked shocked, or he was just breathing – hard to tell with a fish.
Bunny pulled out a dining chair and guided me onto it. My mind screamed, lap dance. But then she pulled one out for herself. She sat down and crossed her legs revealing her thighs clad in her normal black tights, but then she crossed them again and I saw black lace and a flash of her naked thigh.
My mind shut down and my groin took over. Bunny was wearing stockings and a shorter skirt than normal. Oh shit! She’s breaking up with me. This had to be it. It wasn’t my birthday or Christmas. Then something hit me… I’m dying. Mum told her a dark family secret that my bodily fluids will leak out of my pores! No, surely Mum would have told me. Is she dying and this our last hurrah! Arrggghhhh, what was going on?!
Bunny smiled at the reaction she got from me. ‘Sam?’
‘Flesh,’ I blurted out. I always knew I thrived under pressure.
She frowned, probably worried that my mind had finally broken. ‘Calm down, this is for afters.’ She then ran her nails over her leg, raising the skirt hem another inch.
If I’m honest all I heard was, ‘Blah, blah. Sex rodeo. You are my sex god. Take me now…’ I thought I’d better answer her. ‘Goody.’ Nailed it. Pure class, me. I was pretty sure I should have been looking into her eyes at that moment, but they were so far up her body.
‘Okay, anyway, the man you saw me giving the envelope to is the chairman of the bank I work for. He has been concerned for a while now that certain people in his organisation are laundering money,’ Bunny said while chewing her lip.
I managed to drag my eyes from her stocking tops. It had taken several goes, but when I did, dodging the cleavage minefield, I saw the worry in her face. I wanted to be there for her. I knew something had been bothering her since that day. Now, finally, she had come clean. Finally, the truth would come out. ‘Bunny, are you are spy?’
Well, it took a couple of minutes for her to stop laughing. Then she called me a stupid dick. I may have got this wrong. ‘No, Sam. My boss knew that he could trust me because he knew my parents from home.’ She saw me nodding but really I was moving my eyes from her cleavage to her thighs while trying not to be caught.
‘That’s why I’m on loan as PA. He’s moving me around departments so I can report back to him with details of employees’ meetings and diaries.’
Finally, my future husband head clicked into gear. ‘It’s not dangerous, is it?’ I wanted to hold her to make sure that she was okay and to keep her safe, but I feared my erection would spoil the moment.
My dark-haired beauty chuckled. ‘Sam, we had an armed gunman come into our flat to kill you,’ she said with a smirk. ‘It’s not dangerous at all, my love. I just wanted to tell you, but—’ she stood up letting her skirt fall back into place; I instantly felt the loss ‘—don’t tell anyone, especially your metrosexual friend Mark. Got that?’ She grabbed my cheeks, squishing my lips together.
I nodded. ‘Yeth.’ After which she released me. ‘Have you told Stoney and Beth, or Kate?’
‘Well, of course, they’re my friends.’
At that point I knew not to argue the point. Finally, I may have grown up. ‘So, no telling anyone…apart from your friends and the English-speaking world.’ Damn you, Blackadder, I thought, as her hand connected with my head.
We locked eyes again, which wa
s making my vision blurry. ‘Do…you…understand?’
I nodded furiously, plus I had a perfect view of her cleavage as she bent over. Okay, maybe I haven’t quite grown up. Baby steps, one step at a time.
As I placed my lips on hers, we shared our love like our secrets. We parted breathlessly and smiled at each other. It was then that my brain gave me the perfect words to woo my future wife into bed: ‘Boom boom time?’
Our eyes were still locked, but instead of desire and want in hers, it was more doubt and concern about brain damage. She did kiss me again before giving me a feral grin. ‘If you can get my knickers off, you can have me.’ She then ran into the bedroom.
‘WOOOHOOOOOO!’ I screamed, following her in and tackling her onto the bed.
Thirty minutes and a black eye later, I claimed my woman – for I am a man!!
‘Bunny?’
She looked up at me. ‘What is it? You won, so get to it.’
‘True, but should my finger be pointing this way?’ I showed her my right hand where the little finger was at a right angle.
She rolled her eyes and snapped it back into place without even blinking.
That night I screamed in pain. After tears and a hug, Bunny moaned with pleasure.
Later, as we cuddled in post-lovemaking bliss, all I could think was that I had just slept with a foreign spy, and where were the painkillers. I love my life.
Chapter 23
Tony (Tiger) Thompson
I finally made it out of bed; every inch of me ached. The doctor told me I have the organs of a fifty-year-old. Not this morning I haven’t, more like a hundred and fifty today, and it was a chemical-free night in with Suzie. Unfortunately, she had been bored at work, so her perverted mind worked overtime. After stopping at the costume shop we had to play prison guard and female prisoner.
I stepped out of the shower and checked out my well-rounded body to see it was covered in bites and bruises. That’s the last time I’m ever playing that game, unless I can be the guard.
The usual search for clean clothes went well: matching clean socks and two-day-old boxers. No crackling as I walk – winner.
I gave Suzie a kiss goodbye and made sure she was breathing away happily. Good job too, as I used my last body bag during the previous Chinese New Year. Poor Swag Belly Anna, but she died happy snorting the magical powder off Long John’s schlong.
As I pulled into the nick carpark, I saw a day of paperwork and drinking coffee while sitting on a very soft and caring cushion. Suzie was just a bit overeager with her character portrayal; that was my truncheon from the old days.
After my third cup of shit black coffee, Sergeant ‘Brenda’ walked in with a haunted look on his face. ‘Hey, Tiger, got a couple of DIs from Scotland Yard asking questions about the raid,’ he said quietly.
I lifted my head from the desk after inspecting the inside of my eyelids for a bit. ‘What for now? Wasn’t my fault that kiddy had his nutsack ripped off,’ I answered, still wincing at the memory of old Snapper doing what the dog did best. He actually bit the handler later – that made me laugh.
‘Rumour is,’ started Brenner, looking around, ‘the druggies rolled over and told the Yard everything they had in the house, but it doesn’t match our evidence list.’
‘Fuck’s sake. So we’re believing drug dealers now, not honest coppers like you and me?’ I looked Brenda in the face. ‘Well, me anyway.’ I smirked at the sergeant, who then gave me the one-fingered salute. ‘Cheers, Brenner, I owe you a pint.’ I watched him give me the thumbs up as I picked up the phone.
‘Morning, Three Chins. I’ll keep it short and sweet, just like me,’ I said, to which I just received laughter from the other end of the line.
‘Full of shit early today, Tiger. What’s up?’ Three Chins, aka Detective Constable John Dawson, asked happily. He had grown up alongside me, so I knew I could trust him.
‘Twenty-four seven, buddy, you know that.’ I chuckled and then saw two stiffs walking into my guv’s office. ‘Two dickheads from the Yard are asking about the raid. Crims did a list of what they had – but as you know, thieves lie,’ I explained, seeing my guv along with Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Twat looking over at me. ‘Gotta go, Chin. Drink after work?’
‘Aye, head down, brother,’ Chins said and hung up.
I saw the trio loom over me. ‘What’s up, guv?’ I looked at the men either side of him. ‘Sorry, I don’t deal with sex offenders here.’ I saw my boss wince.
‘These gentlemen are from HQ and wish to talk to you about the raid in Nile Road,’ said Detective Inspector Donovan (guv/boss).
I gave them a big cheesy grin. ‘Want to put it in a training manual? Well, Three Chins and I stormed the bastion of evil using justice and truth as our shield—’
The guv held up his hands and the place erupted in sniggers.
‘No, Detective Sergeant Thompson, things aren’t adding up, so we need a brief chat,’ said one of the blokes, who I shall call ‘No Neck’.
‘Have you tried putting new batteries in your calculator,’ I shot back with a smile. This meeting is going to be fun, I thought.
The other one stepped forward. He had one of the largest Adam’s apple I had ever seen – that thing in his throat would turn up five minutes before the rest of him. ‘It’s not a joking matter, Thompson. The evidence log doesn’t match up with the interviewers’ notes,’ Mr Apple said, looking like he had swallowed a foot.
I shrugged. ‘Well, it wouldn’t. They’re nasty, mean men, and we are the soldiers for the good and just.’ I then saw my boss just walk off with his shoulders shaking from either crying or laughing, I wasn’t sure. As I scanned around the other banks of desks, there wasn’t a sad face; although half wanted my downfall, the others just liked a laugh.
No Neck leaned in. Wow, he must rinse with sewage. ‘Your boss is letting us use his office for a chat,’ No Neck/Death Breath said while melting my skin off with his breath of poison.
I stood up with a slight wince. ‘That’s nice of him, maybe he’s left his whisky out,’ I said and strode off to the empty office.
The two idiots followed me. ‘It’s only eleven in the morning,’ Adam Apple said, surprising me that the thing didn’t wear a hole in his throat.
I settled in my boss’s chair, which seemed to irk them somewhat; we were not going to be friends. ‘Well, it’s lunchtime somewhere.’ I checked all his drawers but found them locked. Then I saw my boss showing me the finger from outside. Git.
The idiots sat down in front of me and pulled out their notebooks. ‘Now, the reason why we’re here today is because the people arrested at the raid in Nile Road gave the interviewers a comprehensive list of the illegal items in the house,’ informed No Neck as he flicked through the pages of his notes. ‘But the unfortunate thing is that it doesn’t match the list from the evidence locker. Can you explain that?’
‘Nope!’
The two knob jockeys looked at each other. ‘Is that it? Nope?’ asked Toe Throat.
I just shrugged. ‘Well, you see, bad men lie. That’s why we can’t trust them and that’s why they’re in our cells.’ This didn’t seem to help matters. I surmised that these people were not the social animal I am.
Once again they swapped looks like long-lost lovers, or they were telepaths, which would have been cool. ‘But all of them gave us the same list of items, so how can they be lying as they were interviewed separately?’ Freaky Throat continued.
I gave my shrug muscles a workout. Feel the burn, boys. ‘I didn’t know they could read or write,’ I said with a chuckle. ‘Never known anyone to spill their guts about their ill-gotten gains before, especially all of them.’ I checked to see if they gave any hints of bullshit.
‘These things happen, Sergeant. We are mainly concerned by the firearms that are missing,’ the bull-necked bastard stated. He seemed to be getting hot under the collar. I wondered if he was having a stroke.
I frowned, leaned forward and put on my award-winning concerned face.
Oscar time here we come. ‘Firearms? What you talking about, Slim? There were no shooters in that place,’ I said in my best cockney spiel.
Mr Throat checked his paperwork. ‘Two rifles, several handguns and ammo.’ He looked directly into my eyes.
This was where I earned my Academy Award. ‘You think I nicked them? Well, you can piss off, mate. There were no guns in that place; we checked everywhere in that shithole,’ I said angrily. Thank you, thank you, I’m here all week.
‘They were in the shed, Mr Thompson, and that’s where you were searching, if my notes are right,’ said No Neck.
I nodded. ‘Yep, and there was fuck all, just a BBQ and some other garden shit,’ I explained and picked some bacon from my teeth. ‘Obviously BBQs can kill if you don’t clean them properly, but that’s none of our business, is it?’
They started to look beaten, which was perfect as my coffee was getting cold. ‘You didn’t see some plastic gun cases in there?’ Throaty probed.
‘In where?’
No Neck lost his rag and banged his fist on the table. ‘In the fucking shed!’
I rolled my eyes and waited for my BAFTA to turn up. ‘Oh there. Well, no, otherwise I would have opened them, and listed them.’ I looked from idiot to dickhead. ‘I’m a copper, I know my job!’
‘Hmmm… According to our files you have been linked with items going missing from evidence before,’ said Mr ‘I Swallowed a Ballcock’.
I barked out a laugh. ‘Yeah, I heard that, too. Though, he got sent on a little holiday with his sixteen-year-old toy boy,’ I said and carried on laughing. ‘So I’m being accused of stealing guns by four drug dealers, from a shed in their garden, which if I remember rightly had access from the road behind. Is that right?’
They read each other's minds again. ‘Well, yes, those are the facts, Sergeant,’ the bull-necked bastard added.
Once again I gave them a mocking laugh. ‘You call them facts? I call it bullshit, mate. Come back when you have evidence – and real, this time, not from druggies trying to make a deal…with susceptible officers.’ I then stood up and walked to the door. ‘You wanna talk again, ring first and I’ll bring my lawyer.’ I waited for the twins of bullshit to stand up.
