by Leta Blake
“Look, why should I be the one to call her?” He tried to keep his voice calm, but he knew it was tight with anger. “She should be calling me. If I were any other teacher, she would have reached out by now.”
“To fire you, maybe.”
“Maybe. But it’d be something at least.” He snorted. “She’d have made contact. As it is, she’s playing chicken, waiting for me to be the first to break.”
After a quiet moment, Lauren brought it up again. “What about Christmas?”
“I don’t know. If she doesn’t reach out by then, I guess I’ll spend it alone.”
She clucked her tongue. “Rutty would want you out at the farm, I’m sure.”
“He would. But I don’t know if I’d want that. Seems like it would be the sort of thing she’d hold against me forever.” He laughed under his breath. Like this thing with RJ—with having a former student—no, be honest—with having a former male student for a lover wasn’t already something she would hold against him forever?
“She wouldn’t want you to be alone on the holidays.”
“Wouldn’t she?” Aaron was sick of making excuses for his mother. “She wants me to be alone every other day of my life.”
Lauren shifted uncomfortably but obviously couldn’t argue with him about that.
“What is her damage? Why is she like this? What is she afraid of? Being disowned? Of her mother not loving her anymore?” His voice shook. “I’m the one with everything to lose. But what’s the point? I’ve lost it all anyway.”
“Your mom is a control freak.”
“Exactly. She wants to control me and her reputation. And we both know which one she cares the most about.”
“She does. It’s true.” Lauren’s voice was firm from the shadow of the passenger seat. The overhead light flipped on, and Aaron looked at her beneath the harsh glow of it. “She’s a pretty terrible mother, I’ll give you that. She may love you, but her version of love is abusive.”
“Fuck her love. I’ve been the bigger person with her since I was ten. I’m fucking sick of it.”
Wow. He couldn’t believe he’d let that rip in front of Lauren. It wasn’t something he’d admitted to anyone but RJ. Maybe that’s what came of lifting that Band-Aid off. Now he was a throbbing, open wound.
“I can see that.” Lauren reached out and touched his cheek. “I’m so sorry you’re hurting.”
Aaron turned away. Silence reigned for a moment. “Lauren, it’s more than that. Think about it. Your mom’s annoying, yeah, because she’s always trying to set you up with a nice guy from her church, and she calls every other night to update you about the latest events on Days of Our Lives even though you haven’t watched the show since you lived at home. But your mom isn’t telling you not to be yourself, to hide who you are, to deny yourself joy and love and physical affection and a fucking future. She’s just annoying. Not toxic.”
“You’re right. But Helen is a bigot. A controlling bigot.” Aaron flinched hearing his mother’s first name. It made her sound so human. Like any other person. Not this powerful figure he’d seen her as since childhood. To Lauren, she was just Helen. To him…so much more.
Lauren went on. “And you’ve let her control you, Aaron. You might not want to admit it now, but sometimes you even seemed to prefer her telling you what to do. At the very least, in the past, you didn’t seem to fight it much.”
Aaron blinked. A flash of RJ saying, “I think you want to be hurt” crossed his mind, along with a sharp memory of the way RJ had taken control of him the prior night and how much he’d liked it. How right it had felt to surrender to him.
Lauren was oblivious to the course of his thoughts. “Of course her worst side is going to show itself when you start to resist her.”
“Do you think I’m a pushover?” Aaron asked softly. “Am I too soft?”
“You’re soft, Aaron, but that’s a wonderful quality to have.”
“How? You’re right. My mom always controlled me. And I let her. Sometimes I even liked that I didn’t have to be in charge of my life. And last night…” He flushed. “Never mind.”
“What?”
“It’s not—”
“Last night…”
Aaron wanted to turn off the overhead light in the car and hide in the darkness, but he pushed on ahead. “RJ and I played a game, and I…let him take control.” He felt his fair skin grow hot, Lauren’s eyes on him, but he didn’t look at her. “I liked that too. It made it easier. Better somehow. It wasn’t fun.” Aaron paused, and at Lauren’s worried expression clarified, “I mean, it wasn’t not fun either. It was right. It felt necessary? And compelling? I don’t know.” He scrubbed a hand over his hot face. “Maybe I’m a pervert like my mother says.”
“Like she says? Excuse me, but what the hell?”
Aaron groaned. “I hadn’t wanted to tell you before.”
“Tell me now.” Lauren steamed silently as she listened to the horrible things his mother had said, and then she whispered, “Fuck her, Aaron. Fuck her.” She hissed and then murmured, “Sounds like I need to do some job hunting, too.”
“Lauren—”
“No! I’ve let her push you around too long and not said a word because I thought you wanted it that way. But I was wrong. You don’t. And I won’t stand by and—”
“You love your work. You love the kids.”
“So do you!”
“I know, but…I feel like something has to change. Like maybe everything has to change. For me.”
“Wow. I can’t say that I disagree, but I never thought I’d see you embrace a thought like that.”
“I know, I’ve been slow.” Aaron huffed and rubbed at his eyes. “None of that answers my question, though. Is there something wrong with me? To want a man to control me that way?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Lauren said reassuringly. “What you do in bed with your boyfriend doesn’t matter so long as it gives you satisfaction and pleasure. Aaron, being submissive, if that’s what you’re implying, isn’t a bad thing or a good thing. It’s just a way of being, just like me being asexual is just a way of being. It’s not a big deal one way or another.”
“You’re asexual?”
“Yes. Maybe even aromantic. I’m not sure. I don’t really crave being with another person, not like you do, or like my other friends. Or the way my mom seems to think I should.” She rolled her eyes. “Maybe you’ve played out a certain innate, Dom/sub dynamic with your mom and that got toxic between you. But that was with your mom, Aaron. Not a man you were choosing to play with.”
“Eww. Stop.”
“No, listen.” Lauren took hold of his chin, and he couldn’t look away. “There was no choice with your mom. No consent. Just domination and control. It’s an entirely different ballgame when you’re consenting to that dynamic with a man you’re in a relationship with. It’s not the same as being stuck in a dynamic against your will with the woman you should have long ago grown out of dependency on.”
“I didn’t realize you knew so much about this stuff.”
Lauren shrugged, her hair sliding off her shoulder. “I’ve got that counseling degree underpinning my education degree, remember?”
“Right. But you know a lot about sexuality. I thought you’d studied developmental psych and counseling for students.”
“It took some trial and error for me to make peace with my asexuality.” Lauren smiled at him, and she looked a little vulnerable now. “I don’t mean that I physically tried out things and rejected them. But I did a lot of research and self-examination. I read a lot. I scoured the Internet. I might not want to have sex, but I enjoyed learning about it.” Flinging away her introspection, she grinned. “Are you guys keeping it safe, sane, and consensual?”
Aaron rolled his eyes. “Of course.”
“Then you’re fine. But if you’re seeing a connection between the way your mother treats you and the way that you want to be treated by a partner, then keep in mind that it’s only
abuse when it’s not consensual, safe, or sane. And nothing with your mom has ever been consciously consensual. I mean, one could argue tacit consent since you never fought back until now, but you grew up in it. So…no.”
“I’m really disturbed that you’re applying BDSM principles to my relationship with my mom.”
“It’s a little twisted, I agree, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t a connection. You spotted it yourself.”
“I know.” Aaron stared off into the distance, seeing indoor Christmas trees shine through the windows of the lakeside houses. “What am I going to do?”
“I can’t tell you what you should do, but I’ll tell you what I would do.”
“Tell me.”
“I’d call her. Not with apologies, which is what she’ll be expecting, but with a clear list of what boundaries she’ll need to start respecting in order for the two of you to move on, not only as principal and teacher, but as mother and son.”
Aaron let out a shocked laugh. “Holy shit, that’s terrifying.”
“I know. I couldn’t even do it with my mom and the Days of Our Lives updates. But maybe that’s because in the end, it’s not a big deal, and I had a lot less to lose. You’ve got your freedom and future wrapped up in this.”
“A few days ago, you were advocating that I drop RJ so that I didn’t offend my mother.”
“A few days ago I was wrong.” Lauren took hold of his hand. “Your mom has always scared you, and I hated seeing you like that. Like a whipped dog. But this is different. You’re different. You’re angry, and I’ve never seen that fire in you before. If that’s because of RJ Blitz, our weird emo goth student of yore, then I can only say good on him, and good for you.” She squeezed his fingers. “And go for it. If you want him enough to have grown a spine to have him? Then who am I to stand in the way over a little bit of ‘that’s my former student ick’?”
Aaron snorted. “I don’t know if this is because of him, or if I’m just finally done with her.” He licked his lips, considering. “I guess, in a way, it is him. Because for the first time ever, I’ve had a glimpse of what I could have if I’d just allow myself to open up to it. I probably can’t have it with RJ. Though he’s starting to act like he wants to see where this might go too…” Aaron met his best friend’s gaze, certainty in his gut. “But I could have it with someone. I deserve to have it with someone.”
“You do deserve that, honey.” She kissed his fingers. “I’m proud of you for figuring that out. Really damn proud.” She glanced at her watch. “Now I need to get home. My mom’s Days of Our Lives update will be coming in t-minus thirty-six minutes and counting.”
“Ah, and they must have started with the Christmas episodes by now. Who knows what Sami is getting her new lover for Christmas?”
“Speaking of, what are you getting yours?”
Aaron choked. “Fuck me. I don’t know.”
Lauren laughed as they pulled away from the park and headed home.
Chapter Twenty-Six
“What’s going on?” Carter asked defensively as Mom and Doug ushered him into the living room. The little kids were still over at the neighbor’s house. “Why are you here?” he asked RJ with narrowed eyes.
Mom said, “RJ is here because he’s part of this family and apparently part of the problem.”
Carter’s eyes went wide. “There isn’t a problem. I don’t have a problem.”
“But you did on Monday,” Doug said. “When you went to the principal to talk about RJ and your teacher?”
Carter sputtered and looked ready to run out of the room, but Doug put an arm around him and guided him to the sofa, sitting beside him. RJ sat with his mom in the lounge chairs.
Doug assured Carter, “No one’s angry with you, buddy. We just want to know what’s going on. If you’d rather talk to just me and Betsy, we can send RJ upstairs for a while. But we get the impression that maybe clearing the air with RJ would be good for you too.”
Carter stared at RJ, eyes wide and a little terrified.
RJ had no idea why he seemed to spark so much fear in the kid. “Look, I’m not mad at you. And neither is Aaron, er, Mr. Danvers.”
It felt weird using that name outside of the bedroom now, but he plowed on ahead. “Aaron is a good guy, and he understands that discovering we’re…dating…” He winced, and his mom shot him a dagger-filled glance. “Yes, dating,” he said again, more securely. “That had to be awkward for you. Maybe it worried you? About your grades? Or maybe the kids at school finding out? Teasing you?”
“I don’t know,” Carter whispered, still gaping at RJ.
Doug shot Betsy a confused look, and she leaned forward to ask, “What did you say to the principal, honey?”
“I told her that Mr. Danvers was seeing RJ,” he whispered, his eyes sinking from RJ’s face down to the carpet. His cheeks stained red. He looked so young in that moment that RJ’s heart hurt for him. He was just a kid, even if he was broader than Aaron.
“That’s all?” Doug prompted.
“I said it didn’t seem right,” he whispered.
“Because they’re gay?” Mom asked, almost making it sound like it would be all right if he gave that as his answer.
Carter shook his head.
“Then why?” Doug asked, squeezing him securely.
“Because he’s my teacher and RJ is…” Carter swallowed hard.
“RJ is?”
“He’s…” Carter looked up at RJ with shiny eyes and licked his lips. RJ braced himself for something awful. “I don’t know! What do you want me to say?” His voice cracked, and he looked so miserable that RJ went hot and cold all over.
“Hey, it’s okay,” RJ said quietly. “Look, I get it. You don’t know me and yet here I am in your house. Maybe I make you feel awkward or—”
“Stop!” Carter yelled, and Doug looked like he was about to scold him for it, but then Carter went on to say, “It’s embarrassing. I don’t want to talk about it. Stop making me talk about it.”
“Son, RJ doesn’t have to be here for this conversation, but you need to be polite to him.”
“He messes with my head,” Carter whispered, shrinking in on himself. “He makes me feel…ugh!”
“Who? Aaron?” RJ asked.
“You!” Carter hissed, anxiety leaking out of him. “You make me feel…” He looked miserable.
Clarity hit like light on snow. Carter had some sort of attraction for him. That explained a lot actually.
Mom inhaled sharply, almost like a half-laugh. Doug squeezed Carter even tighter like he was trying to hold him together—or maybe hold him in place to keep him from running.
“Oh,” RJ said dully. “I, uh, wow. Thank you? I mean, I didn’t realize that…um, yeah, that’s…”
Mom put a hand on RJ’s forearm, shutting him up, thank God. “You’re saying that you think your stepbrother is handsome?”
What a mild way to put the scary, squirmy feelings of youthful attraction.
Wincing, Carter’s eyes filled with tears. “It’s wrong! I know it’s wrong! Because you two are married, and he’s related to me now! Even though he’s not!” He covered his face. “I’m sorry. It’s weird. I don’t like it either. I don’t want to think about it. At least at school I didn’t have to think about it.” He huffed, a small little shaking sob. “But the other day, I saw Mr. Danvers with you here. Out my window. I saw you leaving the house together, and the way you touched by the car…” He shuddered. “I hated thinking about that. I hated it.”
“I see,” RJ said lamely, looking to Doug for help. “I’m sorry.”
“You know that being attracted to guys isn’t wrong, right, Carter?” Doug asked. “I’m attracted to guys myself.” He glanced toward Mom, and a tender, adoring look flashed between them. It was clear that the hour they’d had in their room alone had cleared up whatever hard feelings existed about that withheld information.
RJ was relieved about that. He was starting to hope he was wrong to be so hopeless about
long-term love. For a lot of reasons.
“I know,” Carter said, tears slipping down his cheeks. “I just wish I didn’t feel that way about…about…him.”
“So you told the principal that you were uncomfortable with Aaron and RJ dating because you were jealous?” Mom clarified.
“Because I shouldn’t have to sit in my English class and wonder what my teacher has done with my stepbrother!” he bit out. “And yes, I was jealous. It made it suck even worse.”
“I’m sorry,” RJ said, looking Carter in the eye. “I really am. But I’m not going to stop seeing Aaron.” He shrugged. “And while you’re a great kid, obviously you’re a little young for me. Even if we weren’t related by marriage.”
“I know.” Carter ducked his head.
“But I’ll tell you what. How about I promise to try to stop being so hot, if that helps.”
Carter huffed a funny, embarrassed laugh. “Screw you.”
“Oh man,” Mom said, jumping in. “Carter, this is a complicated thing, I know. But maybe if you get to know RJ a little better, you’ll stop thinking so highly of him.”
RJ snorted. “Gee, thanks, Mom.”
Despite his misery, Carter seemed impressed by the accidental burn.
“I won’t be around long,” RJ said. “If that helps at all.”
Carter rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”
“I know you haven’t been able to see Dr. Thorne since she went on sabbatical last month, but you know you can always talk to the other counselor in the practice. We’d be happy to—”
“I don’t need Dr. Thorne. I just need RJ to go away.”
“Hey,” Doug said.
“No, it’s okay,” RJ said awkwardly. “It’s fine. I’m going soon enough. That’s fair. In fact, if you want me to leave now, I will. Get a hotel or something.”
Carter shook his head miserably. “No. It’s your family too. I don’t know. I’m sorry. I never wanted to feel like this.”
“I know, buddy.” Doug gave him a hug, and Carter seemed to relax a little in his arms.
