The Book of Magical Mysteries

by Anna Fienberg

  ‘Bang Bang looked stunned. “On second thoughts, it’s a rather lonely forest where those shoots grow, a long way from any village or people.”

  ‘“Good,” said the Golem, “that’s just what I like – not all this talking, talking, talking, just the wind in the trees and the birds singing.” He looked around, surprised and pleased. “That’s what I like!”

  ‘“But first we’d have to get some food for the journey,” Bang Bang pointed out anxiously.

  ‘“Here you are,” we all cried together, holding out the food that we’d brought for the Golem.

  ‘“Fish balls,” beamed Ah Chu.

  ‘“Honey cakes,” I cried.

  ‘“And plenty of carrots,” Lotus Blossom added.

  ‘Bang Bang glared at us but he couldn’t think of any more objections. The Golem bent and scooped him up under his arm. He gave us a little smile and a wave as he strode off along the path. “Tell my uncle—” Bang Bang began but the rest was lost as they passed into the forest.

  ‘Much-to-Learn was overjoyed to hear the news of what had happened. He hadn’t had a moment’s peace since he’d taught me the spell, he said, and he would rather we didn’t mention it to anyone else.

  ‘A few days later I heard the Baron talking to Luk Ahed in the village. “Young people today have no manners. That nephew of mine was supposed to be making a long visit with me but he just took himself off without a word of thanks or goodbye. I had a letter from his father this morning saying that he doesn’t know what I did with him, but he’s a different boy, obedient and polite and helpful to his mother. He can’t get over it, but you can be sure I won’t be asking Bang Bang to come and stay with me again!”

  ‘I wish we had a Golem,’ said Jack, watching Frank snatch Angus Figment’s tennis ball and put it in his pocket.

  ‘What you looking at?’ said Frank, as he swaggered past.

  ‘A Bang Bang in need of a golem,’ said Jack.

  ‘What? You guys talk rubbish.’

  ‘You’d understand if you’d heard Tashi’s story. Could be the story of your life,’ said Jack.

  ‘Oh yeah?’ Frank held up his fists. ‘Well these could be the end of yours!’

  ‘Bang Bang had a brother, you know,’ Tashi said. ‘But that’s another story.’

  ‘Yeah?’ said Frank. ‘How does that one go?’

  ‘Well,’ said Tashi, ‘it was like this.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Oh, let him get on with it,’ said Jack. ‘He always starts this way.’

  ‘Can I have my ball back, Frank?’ Angus Figment crept up, looking down at his shoes. ‘If you’re quite finished with it?’

  Everyone looked at Frank.

  ‘If you give the ball back,’ said Tashi, ‘then I can start the story.’

  ‘Tell me what’s in it then,’ said Frank. ‘And I’ll see.’

  ‘Oh, kidnappings and river pirates …’

  ‘Okay, here’s your ball, Figment. It was a silly ball anyway.’

  ‘Oh, thanks so much!’ said Angus, and he sat down on the bench.

  ‘So, okay, start then,’ said Frank. He smirked. ‘Anybody sitting here?’

  ‘Yes, I am,’ said Jack. ‘Can’t you see? Find your own seat for once.’

  ‘Well, it was like this … ’ Tashi began.

  THINKS-TOO-LATE

  ‘Remember, Jack, how disgusted the Baron was with the rude way his nephew Bang Bang left him?’

  ‘Who’s this Bang Bang?’ Frank interrupted.

  ‘A rude guy, a bully just like you,’ said Jack.

  ‘Hey, who are you calling a—’

  ‘Shut up, Frank, you might learn something,’ said Angus suddenly. Everyone stopped talking and looked at him. He smiled, ‘That’s if you don’t mind.’

  ‘Well,’ Tashi went on, ‘as Jack explained, Bang Bang was a bully, and he’d made everyone’s life a misery, so you can imagine how surprised they were in the village to hear about the Baron’s next visitor. It was Bang Bang’s younger brother! Their father had written to say that the Baron had done such a good job with Bang Bang, he was hoping that the Baron might take his other son in hand.’

  ‘Ha, the Baron doing a good job, what a joke!’ said Jack.

  ‘What joke? I’m not laughing,’ said Frank.

  ‘Just listen, and you’ll get it,’ said Angus.

  ‘Well, this younger brother, he was like a hurricane, stirring up trouble wherever he went. By the time he was five, his family had named him Thinks-Too-Late because he was always doing terrible things without thinking what the results would be.’

  ‘At least he did stuff,’ said Frank. ‘I mean, he didn’t just sit around on his bum all day doing nothing.’

  ‘Go on, Tashi,’ said Angus.

  ‘Well, he certainly looked a completely different sort of person from Bang Bang. He was a cheerful, smiling boy, interested in everyone he met and full of suggestions for what they should be doing.’

  ‘See?’ said Frank, slapping his knee, ‘what did I tell you? A helpful guy, handy to have around!’

  ‘On the very first day that he bounced into our village, he persuaded three small boys to jump off the schoolhouse roof to see which one would land first.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Jack, ‘such a helpful guy!’

  ‘Then he talked Little Wu into seeing if you could spark a fire by striking a piece of metal on a brick. You can, and it was just luck that Not Yet’s storeroom didn’t go up in flames before he found out what they were doing.

  ‘Thinks-Too-Late couldn’t see what all the fuss was about, and soon he turned his attention to the problem of Granny White Eyes. Everyone had been worried about her since Mrs Ping had found her dazed and sore after a fall in her kitchen. It wasn’t the first time this had happened, and now lots of people wanted her to go and live with them.

  ‘But Granny White Eyes wouldn’t even think about it. “I can manage perfectly well on my own. It’s what I like and I would miss my own little house and my garden too much.”

  ‘Thinks-Too-Late didn’t take part in these discussions, but later he caught my arm. “I know how we can convince her that she can’t live alone anymore. We can give her frights. No, listen, it’ll be interesting – and it’s for her own good.”

  ‘I heard him out in silence. He suggested we could pretend to be burglars and ghosts and make phantom door knocks at her cottage in the evenings. Lotus Blossom, who had come up in time to hear this, was speechless for once, but I couldn’t help angry words exploding out of me.

  ‘“Listen you, if you so much as go near Granny White Eyes, we will see that no one in the village speaks to you again.”

  ‘But Thinks-Too-Late didn’t mind. “Okay,” he said cheerfully, and with a breezy wave of his hand, he set off to call on Wise-as-an-Owl. He sneaked around the house to the back window and listened as Wise-as-an-Owl was listing for Much-to-Learn the ingredients of a new medicine they were mixing.

  ‘The next thing they knew, poor Mrs Yang was covered in huge purple and red blotches. “That awful boy told me it was Wise-as-an-Owl’s new cure for backache!” she moaned.

  ‘But Thinks-too-Late didn’t mind being scolded. Particularly when he heard Soh Meen loudly complaining around the village about how bad his cold was. “I know what you need!” he cried, and ran off to fetch a capful of dark green plants.

  ‘“What have you got there?” asked Soh Meen suspiciously. He was even more doubtful when he saw Thinks-Too-Late take off his socks and pull them over his hands before picking up the plants.

  ‘“This is just what you need,” beamed Thinks-Too-Late. “Open your shirt.” He rubbed the plants vigorously into Soh Meen’s chest.

  ‘The next moment Soh Meen was running around in circles, tearing off his shirt. “I’m stinging and burning and stinging!” he cried. “Those were nettles you rubbed into me!”

  ‘“Yes, but haven’t they made you lovely and warm?”

  ‘“I said I had a cold, you foolish boy, I didn’
t say I was cold! Oh, my skin feels like it’s on fire!”

  ‘“Anyway, it’s taking his mind off his cold.” Thinks-Too-Late winked at me.

  ‘By now everyone in the village had heard about the trouble Thinks-Too-Late had caused. Even so, no one was prepared for what he did next.’

  ‘What?’ said Frank. ‘What did he do?’

  ‘Well, it was like this. One day Lotus Blossom and I called on Ah Chu to ask him to come down to the river for a swim, and to see the River Pirate’s new sampan. I’d spotted him that morning pulling in for supplies. Ah Chu said he couldn’t go because he had to mind his baby sister. But as we moved on down the road, Ah Chu came running after us. “On second thoughts, Little Sister can come with us. She is eight months old after all – it’s time she had her first swim.”

  ‘We took turns carrying Little Sister; babies can be quite heavy after a while. We were watching her splash her hands and feet in a shallow pool by the river when Thinks-Too-Late came along.

  ‘Little Sister smiled sweetly at him and offered him a wet bun. It was so pleasant there, talking and joking and rolling in the cool water and out again, the time passed quickly. Until Ah Chu looked around. “Where is Little Sister?” Dread clanged in the air.

  ‘“And where is Thinks-Too-Late?” I cried.

  ‘Ah Chu, his face as white as flour, dived and dived, searching the river. Lotus Blossom and I raced up and down the river bank, calling. It seemed hours before we caught sight of Thinks-Too-Late sneaking back to the village through the trees.

  ‘When we caught up with him, he stammered, “Oh, L-L-Little Sister? I gave her to the River Pirate.”

  ‘“You did what? What were you thinking of? Can’t you imagine how Little Sister’s parents will feel? And that little baby without her mother?”

  ‘Thinks-Too-Late shrugged. “I didn’t think, and anyway, I had to give her away. See, I took her down to the sampan to show her what a boat was like and the River Pirate saw her. He and his wife don’t have any children, and he said his wife told him not to come back without a baby this trip. So he gave me this jade horse to keep me quiet until they’d got away. He said he’d cut me into little pieces with that great sword of his if I told.”

  ‘I didn’t stop to hear any more of his sniffs and excuses. I grabbed the horse and shouted at him, “Run! Run faster than the wind and bring Little Sister’s mother down to the boat.” Then, “Come on!” I told Lotus Blossom and Ah Chu, and we raced down the path to the landing stage, just in time to see the pirates casting off the ropes from the dock. We leaped onto the boat and swarmed over the pirates, tripping them up, re-tying the ropes, ducking and dodging the big tattooed arms flung out to catch us.

  ‘“Captain Drednort!” we called. “Come out!”

  ‘“What do yer want, fish-bait?” growled the River Pirate, coming up on deck. When we told him there had been a terrible mistake and he had to give the baby back, he just laughed. But he didn’t sound amused. He sounded angry. His face closed over like a big iron trap. “A deal is a deal,” he snarled. “Pirate’s code. Now get off my boat or I’ll chop you up like sardines and feed you to the sharks.”

  ‘Ah Chu let out a moan. He was watching Little Sister struggling against the shoulder of a big hairy sailor. “But you can’t, you don’t even know—”

  ‘The River Pirate drew out his sword. It flashed silver fire in the midday sun. We couldn’t stop looking at it, even though it hurt our eyes. Ah Chu started to weep. Oh, what to do? And then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something. Someone was flashing past the stacks of lumber, leaping over coils of rope, flying along … Thinks-too-Late racing to reach us! And on his heels, Ah Chu’s mother! As she spotted us she took a heart-stopping leap and sprang on board, holding her arms out for her child.

  ‘Little Sister wanted her mother. She began to wail.

  ‘“Listen to that,” I said quickly. “How will you and your men enjoy the trip home with that baby screaming in your ears all day?” His men looked very impressed with this argument, but the River Pirate just shrugged and said a good smack would keep him quiet.

  ‘“Him?” said Mrs Chu, grabbing her child. “Little Sister is not a him.”

  ‘“It’s not?” bellowed the River Pirate. “Do you mean to say I have bought a girl?”

  ‘Lotus Blossom’s chin jutted out, like it always does when she’s in a temper. “What’s wrong with being a girl? We’re just as good as boys any day.”

  ‘The River Pirate brushed her aside and turned to Mrs Chu. “As well as returning my jade horse,” he said as he lifted it from my hands, “I will need some compensation from you for my trouble.”

  ‘Poor Mrs Chu looked at me in despair. She had no money or jewels to give the River Pirate. None of us did. And wasn’t that the only thing that would satisfy him? But as I watched her wringing her hands, an idea popped into my mind. There was no time to look at it from all sides as I usually do. It just had to work, and it was the truth.

  ‘“You will need to go and ask the Baron then,” I said to the River Pirate, “seeing that it was the Baron’s nephew, Thinks-Too-Late, who sold the baby to you.”

  ‘A strange smile broke out on the River Pirate’s face. “Oh ho, he is, is he?” And the pirate grabbed Thinks-Too-Late by the scruff of his neck. “Then let’s go and visit your uncle, my little blabbermouth,” he spat. “We’ll see what he has to say about the way his nephew does business. He’ll pay a tidy sum to keep this matter quiet, I think.”

  ‘As we watched him march Thinks-Too-Late down the path to the Baron’s house, Mrs Chu snuggled Little Sister into her. “When the Baron has to open his money bags, he won’t be wanting to keep Thinks-Too-Late with him much longer,” she said with satisfaction.

  ‘Lotus Blossom did a little dance. “Granny White Eyes will be pleased.”

  ‘And the baby laughed in agreement, sucking her mother’s nose.’

  ‘Er, yuk,’ said Frank. ‘Babies are disgusting.’

  ‘Is that all you can say?’ cried Angus Figment. ‘Little Sister nearly got kidnapped forever!’

  ‘Well, would you want to suck someone’s nose?’ said Frank. ‘Even for fifty bucks?’

  The boys were quiet a moment, considering.

  ‘I dreamed my little sister got kidnapped once,’ said Frank. ‘It was an amazing dream. It had all the features of a great adventure: pirates, quicksand, bugs living in your ears, sea snakes.’

  Everyone stared at Frank.

  ‘Let’s hear it!’ said Tashi.

  ‘Yeah!’ said Jack.

  ‘Maybe tomorrow,’ said Frank. He grinned at them all. ‘Sometimes it’s good sitting round doing nothing, hey?’

  Have you read all of Tashi’s adventures?