Sincerely, Yours

by G. , Whitney

  “I meant to give this to you weeks ago.” I pulled out the blue box my roommates wanted me to pass along. “It’s a farewell present since they consider you a roommate, too.”

  “Is it a bill for all the groceries I’ve eaten?” He untied the ribbon on top, and held up the small silver necklace that read, Arizona’s Best Friend Forever. “This is very cute, but I’m pretty sure I’ll never wear this.”

  “They gave me one, too.” I laughed. “It says Carter’s Best Friend Forever. She said they were drunk when they picked these out.”

  “Clearly.” He set the necklace on his dresser and pulled me close, running his fingers through my hair.

  Looking into his eyes, I wanted to use our last full night together to tell him how I felt about him, to hear him say the same, but I couldn’t get the words out.

  Instead, I took the safe approach. “Do you know that I’ve gotten used to you always being a few blocks, or a few miles away? You being accessible, no matter what?”

  “What makes you think I don’t feel the same way?”

  “Do you?”

  “Yes,” he said, kissing my lips. He slowly pulled my shirt over my head and unfastened my jeans.

  I returned the favor, pulling his shirt over his head, unbuckling his belt.

  Smiling, he picked me up and set me on the bed—slowly pulling the pants from my legs. I kept my eyes on his as he took his off, as he joined me in bed and immediately kissed my lips—not letting me control the tempo.

  He kissed me and I shut my eyes—letting him caress every inch of my skin, listening to him whisper my name in between breaths. Within seconds, he pulled me on top of him and positioned me over his cock, slowly pushing me onto it. Grabbing my hips, he slowly rocked me back and forth—all while keeping his eyes on mine.

  I pressed my hands against his chest, feeling the words “I love you” on the tip of my tongue, but soft moans came out instead.

  I collapsed, falling forward and he slowly slipped out of me.

  Catching my breath, I felt him getting out of bed. I wanted to ask where he was going, but he came right back, pulling me against his chest and kissing my forehead.

  Neither of us spoke for a long time. We just looked into each other’s eyes.

  “I’m going to miss you,” he said. “So fucking much.”

  “If we hadn’t ever had sex, would you feel the same?”

  “Very much so. You’re the only person I talk to almost every day.”

  “Unless you have a girlfriend.”

  “No.” He blew a strand of hair away from my face. “I still talk to you the same amount even then.”

  “That’s probably why they all hate me.”

  He grinned, kissing me again. “Probably.” He rolled me off of him and trailed his finger down my side, stopping when he reached my tattoo—a small silver key.

  “When did you get this?”

  “The same night we got tattoos in eleventh grade.”

  “I’ve never noticed it before.”

  “I’ve never had a reason to get naked around you before.”

  “Hmmm. What does it mean?”

  “It means I was drunk and asked for a key, so the technician asked me to describe the type I wanted, and when I couldn’t, he just did his own thing.”

  “How deep and insightful. Tell me something you’ve never told me before …” His hand continued to trail down lower, to my thigh.

  “I don’t think there’s anything I’ve never told you before.”

  “There has to be something.” He kissed my lips. “It doesn’t have to be anything major.”

  “You might’ve been partially right about the bush thing with Scott, although I was, in fact, getting bad vibes that had absolutely nothing to do with that.”

  “Sure, it didn’t.” He smiled. “And once again, for the record, no guy really cares about that.” He glanced down at my legs. “Although, I do enjoy the bare look.”

  I rolled my eyes, blushing. “Your turn. Tell me something you haven’t told me before.”

  “I hated you in third grade, too.”

  “You didn’t even know me in third grade!” I laughed. “Be serious.”

  “I wanted to finish what we started at the EPIC party. I wanted to have you against the wall.”

  “How romantic.”

  “You didn’t say it had to be romantic,” he said. “I am being serious, though.”

  “Okay, wait. I just thought of something you’ve never told me about.”

  “Doubt it, but what do you think that is?”

  “Elliot in eleventh grade. He didn’t come to school for two weeks after my disastrous date with him, after you picked me up that night. Any idea why?”

  “Nope.” He smirked. “No idea at all.”

  “You do know why!” I looked into his eyes. “Tell me!”

  “What do I get in return?”

  “Not sure, but I’ll leave if you don’t comply.”

  “So, this is a threat?”

  I nodded. “A very serious one. Tell me.”

  “After I got my car back the next day, I called Josh and told him I needed his help with something—told him some guy had mistreated you and I didn’t appreciate it.”

  “And?”

  “And we found him and beat the shit out of him. He should’ve never left you alone like that …” He trailed my lips with his fingers. “Anything could’ve happened to you.”

  My jaw dropped, but I quickly recovered. “He never told on either of you?”

  “We gave him plenty of incentive not to.” He smiled. “He deserved it.”

  “I can’t believe you did that.”

  “Believe it,” he said. “I wouldn’t lie to you.”

  Okay, say it now. Say, I think I love you. Say, I think I’m in love with you. I love you, Carter, I—

  His lips were on mine again and my mind lost the thought—deciding to focus on the last few hours of our time together instead of wasting it with more words.

  Twelfth Grade

  Carter

  Subject: Truth or Dare

  Pick one.

  Sincerely,

  Carter

  Subject: Re: Truth or Dare.

  Dare.

  Intrigued,

  Arizona

  Subject: Re: Re: Truth or Dare.

  I dare you to tell me what really happened between you and Matt last night.

  Sincerely,

  Carter

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Truth or Dare

  I picked DARE. That’s a TRUTH. That’s cheating! But since we’re speaking of Matt … GAH! I should’ve said no to being his date tonight. Why is he wearing a yellow tuxedo?

  Embarrassed,

  Arizona

  Subject: Awaiting the Dare …

  You were definitely better off coming to prom alone. I’m starting to think I should’ve done the same.

  My date keeps asking me questions about when I plan on becoming a professional athlete. Tell me what happened between you and Matt, or actually tell me anything. I need some intelligent conversation. My date doesn’t speak much.

  Sincerely,

  Carter

  Subject: Re: Awaiting the Dare

  Meet me at the punch bowl in fifteen minutes.

  You’re welcome (in advance) for the distraction,

  Arizona

  I walked over to the punch bowl minutes later and met Arizona. “I’ve got five minutes before she notices I’ve been away too long.”

  “I’ve got ten.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the ballroom.

  She tugged on all the doors as we walked down the hallway, until she finally found one that would open: A janitor’s closet.

  “We needed to have the conversation in here?” I asked. “Are we in grade school again? Twilight zone, maybe?”

  “It was awful.” She slumped against a small chair. “Absolutely awful.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Losing my virginity.” Sh
e shook her head. “I’m hoping the next time will be better.”

  “There aren’t any do-overs on virginity. That’s not how that works.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I meant sex. I figure he’ll try to do it again tonight, and I’ve heard some girls say it gets better with time, so I can only hope.”

  “I hope it’s better for you, too.” I sighed. “Sorry it wasn’t what you thought it would be.”

  “It’s not your fault.” She looked up at me. “So, when do you plan on telling the media hounds what college you’re attending? You know all of those greedy-eyed recruiters are waiting with bated breath.”

  “You’re not?”

  “Why would I be?”

  “Because I haven’t told you either.”

  “But I know you, so I’m pretty sure it’s an easy guess.”

  “Out of forty-six schools with full scholarship offers on the table?” I crossed my arms. “Try me.”

  “When I get this right, you owe me a trip to Martha’s Waffle Place. Your treat.”

  “When you get this wrong, I’ll take you to the IHOP down the street.”

  She smiled. “South Beach University.”

  I was silent.

  “Is that it?” she asked. “Did I get it right?”

  “Nope.”

  “Liar!” She laughed. “I can see it all over your face. “You should accept the facts by now. I know you better than you know yourself.”

  “No, you just think that you do.”

  “Want to bet on that, too?”

  “As a matter of fact—” I stopped talking as the doorknob turned, as the door suddenly opened.

  In walked Mr. Florence, the same janitor from years past. He looked back and forth between Ari and me, shaking his head.

  “Thank you,” he said. “Thank you both very much for being the perfect sign that I really do need to retire. Now, get the hell out of my closet.”

  Track 20. All You Had to Do Was Stay (4:49)

  Carter

  I had a feeling in my chest when I woke up this morning that I was going to regret this goodbye for the rest of my life. I didn’t try to stop it, though. Didn’t attempt to question or wonder why this unfamiliar feeling had suddenly appeared. I just went through the motions.

  I got dressed early, drove to the airport to meet Arizona, and ignored whatever that unwelcome feeling was.

  “Are you sure you can’t go with her?” Ari’s mom stood by my side at the terminal. “Just to make sure she gets there safely?”

  “Mom …” Ari said. “People fly all the time. I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay.”

  I hadn’t told Ari, but her mom had called me every day this week—asking me to do small things that helped lessen her OCD-like worries: I printed information about the type of airliner Ari would be flying on, the last known accident on the aircraft. I even managed to look up who the pilot would be and tell her he had a stellar record and hadn’t been in any accidents.

  “I need the two of you to take a picture together,” she said. “I need to remember this moment.”

  I walked over to Ari and put my arm around her shoulder. We both held our smiles, looking right at her mom as she clicked the button, but nothing happened.

  “Ugh!” She slapped her forehead with her palm. “I forgot to buy new batteries for this thing. I’ll be right back. Don’t move.” She stepped away and walked to a gift-shop.

  Ari looked up at me and sighed. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Anything.”

  “Do you think I’m making the right choice?” Her voice cracked. “Is this the right choice?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Like, three weeks ago, I was going to Cleveland for culinary school. I was still going to be in the States and I could have flown home once a month maybe more. But two weeks ago, everything changed and I just … I don’t know anymore. Do you think going abroad to this school is what’s best for me?”

  “It’s the second highest ranked culinary school in the world, correct?”

  She nodded.

  “Then I don’t think you need me to tell you it’s the right choice.”

  “I’m just wondering if …” Her voice trailed off. “Never mind. My chest feels like it’s going to explode any minute because I’ve had anxiety ever since I woke up this morning. Just so you know, I still expect you to email me whenever you get a chance, so I won’t have to use so many international minutes, and you have to write me one letter a month.”

  “Via email?”

  “No, a real letter, like old times.”

  “It’s going to take a week or two for it to get to you.”

  “I don’t care. I want one. I think it’s going to feel weird enough not talking to you so much.”

  “Doubt it. I won’t notice your absence at all.”

  She hit my shoulder. “You’ll miss me more than I’ll miss you.”

  “Want to bet?”

  “Twenty dollars.”

  “That’s all I’m worth?”

  “That’s all you’re getting.” She laughed and leaned close.

  I ran my fingers through her hair, suddenly feeling the need to kiss her lips, to pull her close and give her a kiss she’d never forget in front of everyone around us.

  Fuck it. I covered her mouth with mine, claiming every inch of it with my tongue—not letting her go when she pretended like she wanted to. I bit her bottom lip, and smiled as she murmured against my mouth, but when I felt like she needed to take a breath, I finally pulled away.

  Staring at me in shock, her cheeks turned red—a mix of horniness and anger.

  “Add that to the list of shit that never happened between us,” I said under my breath, gently rubbing her back. “For the record, you’re doing the right thing by chasing your dreams. You know that, and you should—”

  “I love you.” She cut me off. “I’m in love with you, and I need you to know that. I think I’ve loved you for most of my life, and even though I’m going away today, I need to know if you feel the same.”

  Silence.

  Her last paragraph repeated itself in my mind on a loop: I love you, I’m in love with you, do you feel the same …

  I knew what I should’ve said, what would make her flight easier, but I had to say what I knew was better. What I knew was the right thing to do.

  “Ari …” I said, looking into her eyes.

  “Yes?”

  “I’m sorry.” I noticed tears welling in her eyes. “Please don’t take this to heart but … I do love you, I love you very much but …”

  “But?” Her face fell. “But what?”

  “But not in that way…You’re my best friend and I know we had sex, but we’re just friends.”

  Wiping away a stray tear, she forced a smile and nodded, stepping back. “Right … Just friends.”

  I reached out and pulled her back. “You’re doing the right thing by going abroad. You’re going to kick ass.”

  “Thank you.” She gave me a hug and we stood still in an awkward embrace before slowly breaking apart.

  “Did I miss something?” Her mom walked back over, looking between us both. “Why is your face so red, Ari?”

  “I have no idea.” She turned away from me.

  Her mom looked between the two of us again but didn’t press any further. “Could you stand next to each other again?”

  We stepped closer and she snapped shot after shot.

  “Okay … How about a hugging pose?” She snapped again. “Give each other a real hug! Like you’re actually best friends who won’t see each other for a while. Ari, you look like you don’t even want to be around Carter right now.”

  If only she knew.

  When she was satisfied with our less than stellar shots, she snapped her fingers and made solo requests for just Ari.

  “Could you go stand by that departure sign, Ari?” Her mom asked. “Oh, and I need to get one of you in front of the international sign, too.”

  Ten minutes later
, when her mom had managed to snap a photo of her at every angle, Ari gave us both a hug.

  “Take care, you two,” she said. “I love you both very, very much.”

  “Love you, too,” we said.

  “They’re going to start boarding in about thirty minutes …” She looked at her watch. “I need to get through security.” Her eyes met mine. “Talk to you later?”

  “Talk to you later.”

  She walked away and I kept my eyes on her until she disappeared. I walked her mom—who’d started to cry, back to her car, and when I was sure she wasn’t too emotional to drive, I headed to my car.

  As I was starting the engine, I felt my phone vibrating. A text from Ari.

  How much did you spend on upgrading me to first class?

  I didn’t upgrade you to first class.

  Someone did … I didn’t pay for this.

  You did. Your seat was always 2A.

  Ha! I knew it. Thank you very much …

  No problem. I figured ten-plus hours in economy class would’ve brought out the worst in you and your anxiety. Be safe.

  Okay.

  Okay.

  I drove off and when I stopped at a red-light, I saw that she’d sent me another text.

  Okay so … Just to be clear because well … I don’t know. Sometimes you push people away when you don’t want to show emotions … When we were having sex … You felt nothing? It was just sex?

  You putting it that way makes me sound like an asshole, Ari.

  I didn’t say you were an asshole. Just tell me.

  Yes. It was just sex.

  Okay. Talk to you later.

  Talk to you later.

  Track 21. Should’ve Said No (2:44)

  Arizona

  I couldn’t stop crying.

  My heart felt heavy, and no matter how many times I wiped away my tears, more of them fell down my face. A part of me wished that I was sitting in coach and not first class, so it would be easier to hide my pain, so flight attendants wouldn’t be so accessible and could stop offering me endless drinks and looks of sympathy.