More Than Him

by Jay McLean

"No he won't," Cam said. He eyed me and jerked his head towards the kid who'd just left. "We'll take care of it."

  Amanda

  "Neanderthals," Lucy stated.

  I laughed. "They mean well." I watched as Logan and Cam caught up with the kid. Logan placed his hand on his shoulder and spoke down to him. He could be intimidating when he wanted to.

  He could also be ridiculously hot.

  I turned back and looked at the spread of food in front of me. Hot dogs, funnel cakes, nuggets, burgers, fries, corn dogs, you name it, it was all on the table. "Okay, Lachlan. What do you think we should get into first?"

  "All of it," he yelled, clapping enthusiastically.

  "Okay, then."

  He giggled as I started giving him portions of all the food Logan had bought. "He's right to have all this?" I asked Lucy. "He's not allergic to anything?"

  She shook her head. "The kid ate dog poop when he was three. He's good to go." Leo's girl giggled next to him. He watched her with a small smile on his face, just like Logan did with me.

  "Hey, bud," Logan said. He stood behind me with his hands on my shoulders, but he was talking to Lachlan. "You think maybe I can have my girl back? Maybe I can sit next to her for a bit?"

  He shrugged. "Maybe later."

  I contained my laugh while I continued making his plate for him. Logan muttered something under his breath, but took a seat on the other side of him. "You planning on stealing her?" He winked at me, his dimples on full show. I couldn't help but smile.

  "Maybe," Lachlan shouted. "Probably not. I love her."

  Logan choked on his soda.

  "Actually," Lachlan started. He eyed the sky, contemplating. "Will you be my mommy? I don't have a mommy. You can be her, right?"

  I sucked in a breath as his eyes locked with mine, the intensity in them so much more than his years should allow. He waited anxiously for my answer. I opened my mouth to speak, but the words caught in my throat.

  Then Logan spoke, "Hey, buddy."

  Lachlan turned to him.

  I let out the breath.

  "You know," Logan said, glancing at me quickly, "I don't have a mommy either. But it's cool, because my dad—he's pretty awesome. I bet your dad's awesome, too, right?"

  Lachlan nodded enthusiastically.

  "And you have a lot of awesome brothers and sisters, as well."

  Lachlan's head turned as he looked around the table. "Yeah." Then he faced Logan again. "Do you have brothers and sisters?"

  Logan smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Yes and no," he answered. His head bent down so he was speaking only to Lachlan. "I mean—your sister, Lucy, and our friends Mikayla and Heidi, they're kind of like sisters to me. And our friends Jake, and Dylan, and even Cameron—they're my brothers."

  Lachlan nodded slowly. "Cameron's my brother, too," he announced. "He's my brother . . . in . . . lawn? No! Low? No!"

  The corner of Logan's lips curled up.

  "Um . . ." Lachlan looked up to one of the eldest boys. "What did you tell me he is? Brother in . . .?"

  "Law," his older brother confirmed. "Brother-in-law."

  Lucy smiled and Cam placed his arm around her shoulders, bringer her in to kiss her on the temple.

  "Yeah. Brother-in-law." Lachlan turned back to Logan now. "So does that mean we're brothers?"

  "Yeah, dude, we can be brothers. I'd like that."

  "But you'd be a good brother, right?" Lachlan's tone was low, serious. "Not like them." He jerked his head in the direction of his brothers. "They all told me to eat dog poop."

  Everyone laughed.

  Logan raised his eyes to me. I love you, I mouthed. He smiled, but it was sad.

  ***

  "C'mon, Lachy. Let's get you cleaned up," Lucy said. Everyone stood and started clearing the table.

  "Okay!" he agreed. He stood on the seat and smacked his lips on my cheeks, leaving a wet stickiness when he pulled away. "Wait up, guys!" He jumped off and joined the rest of his family.

  Then it was just Logan and me. I heard his deep chuckle from next to me. He picked up a napkin and wiped my cheek. "I can't take you anywhere," he joked quietly.

  I turned my head slowly, kissing first his palm, and then his lips. "Are you okay?"

  He shrugged and looked away.

  "Do you think about them?"

  "My mom or Megan?"

  "Both."

  His shoulders lifted again.

  I sighed. "I love you." I didn't know what else to say.

  He was distracted when he replied, "I love you, too."

  I pulled out the vial pendant and held it in my hand. "You know, one day, baby, I'm going to take your nightmares and turn them into dreams."

  He glanced at my hand holding the pendant, and then our eyes locked. "You already do, Amanda. Every damn day."

  My lungs filled with his breath as he kissed me. It was slow, needy, and passionate. He was remembering me. Savoring the moment.

  A tiny throat clearing interrupted us. We both turned to see Lachlan, his hands behind his back and a cheesy grin on his face.

  "Buddy," Logan teased. "You keep killing my game, here."

  We stood up, just as Lachlan wormed his way between us. He held each of our hands in his. "Ferris wheel," he squealed.

  So that's what we did.

  ***

  "I love living here," I told him. We were almost at the top; you could see the town and the city from where we were.

  "Yeah?" he asked. "You plan on staying around?"

  I shrugged. "It depends, I mean—eventually, I think so."

  He waited a while before he asked, "Eventually?"

  I glanced at him quickly, but then turned back to the view. "After we live wherever you go to med school, maybe travel for a bit, come back here, create a home . . ." I trailed off.

  "I was hoping you'd say that."

  ***

  Lachlan passed out within two minutes on the Ferris wheel. I texted Lucy and told her we'd meet her back in the parking lot. Logan carried him to the bed of his truck and laid him down gently, trying not to wake him. We sat on the edge, his arms wrapped tight around me. "I finally got you all to myself."

  I laughed into his chest. "You're so needy."

  His body bounced with his chuckle. "I know. I just miss the shit out of you. You're kind of my drug." It was quiet for a moment. "I think you need to tell Ethan, and I think you shou—"

  "I'm telling him tonight," I cut in. "I decided this morning that the first chance I got, I had to. I hate lying to him. I hate sneaking around."

  "Good," Logan said. "And then maybe after that, once he's okay with us, maybe—I mean, you don't have to—but maybe we could stop missing each other and you could just move in."

  My head tilted back so I could look him in the eye. "Seriously?"

  "Or not." He shook his head, his confidence waning.

  "I'd have to wait until someone could take over my rent and room. I can't just leave right away."

  A huge grin overcame him. "But that means 'yes', right?"

  I bit my lip and nodded.

  His hold on me got tighter. "Oh my God," he mumbled, a disbelieving laugh erupted from him. "How the fuck did I get so lucky?" He held my face in his hands, his grin still in place. He kissed me once, twice. Eleventy-three times. Then he pulled back, his gaze roaming all over my face. "You and me," he said. "We're going to make so many damn moments worth remembering."

  27

  Amanda

  "Babe." I could hear Logan's voice, but he sounded far away. "You're home."

  I opened my eyes slowly, and took in my surroundings. We were in his truck in the driveway of my house. It was dark outside. We’d hung around and had takeout with his dad after the carnival, I must've fallen asleep on the way home. "My car's at your house."

  "Yeah, I know. I didn't want you driving home this tired." He chuckled. "You fell asleep as soon as we got on the highway."

  "Oh," I said, still trying to gain my bearings.

  "
I know you're working tomorrow night, so I was thinking maybe I could pick you up for lunch and we could spend the day together?"

  I sat up straighter and rubbed my eyes. "Okay."

  He smiled. "So you're still going to talk to Ethan tonight?"

  I nodded through a yawn. "Yeah." I looked to the house. The lights were still on.

  "Okay," he sighed. "So just call me when you wake up and I'll come and get you."

  I scooted closer and put an arm around his waist. "I'll miss you tonight."

  Laughing, he lifted my chin with his finger. "You have no idea how much I'll miss you, pretty girl."

  "Thank you for today. I had fun." I kissed him once.

  He returned it. "Thank you for all my days."

  I kissed him again, deeper this time. Pulling away slightly, he whispered, "I'm kind of crazy in love with you, you know that?"

  His words made my eyes drift shut. I'd never get sick of him telling me. Ever. I kissed him again, but he cut it short. "You better go. This is going to make me miss you more."

  I hugged him and smiled into his arm. "You know what this feels like?"

  He laughed quietly. "Our first date?"

  "Uh-huh." I nodded.

  "I didn't want to say goodbye to you then. I don't want to say goodbye to you now." He turned his entire body to face me. Chewing his lip, he linked our hands between us. "It was the hardest thing to do, saying goodbye to you. Not just that night, but the night I left." His voice broke. "It was the hardest and stupidest decision I've ever made."

  "It wasn't stupid," I told him. My eyes dropped to where his thumb skimmed over my tattoos. "Maybe it needed to be done. Who knows? Maybe it wasn't our time then. Maybe we needed that time apart to grow up. Maybe now's our time. Maybe—"

  The front door slamming cut me off. "Amanda!"

  Ethan.

  He walked towards the car, his hand out, blocking the headlights from blinding him. "That better be you."

  "Shit," I muttered.

  Logan held my hands tighter. "It'll be okay." His words were shaky. He didn't believe it, either.

  Ethan got close enough so that the headlights were no longer in his way. Looking into the car, his eyes widened when he saw us. "What the fuck?" he mumbled.

  Then something in him switched.

  Rage filled his eyes. His jaw clenched. His fists balled.

  "Get the fuck out of the car, Amanda!"

  "Ethan," I tried to calm him down.

  He swiftly moved to the driver's side, opened the door and pulled Logan out. I didn't even have time to react before his fist met Logan's jaw.

  "Stop," I screamed. "What are you doing?"

  I jumped out and went straight for Logan, but Ethan held on to my arm and pulled me back. "Get in the fucking house, Amanda." His tone was as loud as it was harsh. I heard the front door open and footsteps, but my eyes were fixed on Logan. He stood with his arms stretched and his hands against the side of his truck. He spat blood.

  I stepped forward, wanting to go to him.

  Ethan blocked my path. His chest heaved with his breaths. "I'm not fucking around, Amanda. Get in the goddamn house."

  "Fuck you, Ethan."

  "No!" he yelled. "Fuck you, Amanda."

  Logan raised his head now, his lip busted, blood pouring from his mouth.

  Ethan continued, "Do you know how fucking worried I've been? I've been calling you all fucking day. Your phone's off. I called everyone. Mom's in a fucking panic. I even called Dad!"

  I sucked in a breath. The guilt took over. He stepped closer. "The whole fucking day I've been tearing my hair out, and you've been fucking around with him? HIM!" He pointed to Logan, but kept his glare on me. Logan's hands went in his front pockets. "You've been fucking around with him—and behind my fucking back. You knew how I'd feel, because you kept it from me. You knew I'd be pissed and you still fucking did it!" His voice got louder. I took a step back, not wanting to feel the full wrath of his words. "I'm gonna ask you one more time," he said, his voice lowered. "Get. In. The. Fucking. House. NOW!"

  "Babe," Logan spoke from behind him. He spat out more blood. "Go," he said quietly. "We're just gonna talk."

  Ethan turned to him. "Don't you fucking tell her what to do." He shook his head, and moved closer to him. "Don't you fucking dare talk to her. Your opinion doesn't count anymore, asshole."

  Logan just nodded, but his eyes were on me. Pleading.

  Then a hand wrapped around my elbow. "C'mon, Dim." Alexis. "Let's just go inside. They have a lot to talk about."

  I looked at Logan. He raised his chin slightly.

  I walked backwards towards the house, my eyes never leaving them. They stood, toe to toe, neither moving, neither talking.

  Alexis closed the front door once we were inside. "It's okay," she assured me. "They're just gonna talk."

  Logan

  As soon as the door shut, his fist was in my stomach. I was expecting something, but not that. It made me fall to my knees. "You can't just fucking come back and pretend like everything's fine!" He kicked the same place he'd just punched. My body fell forward, but my arms held me up.

  "Get up," he yelled. "Take it like a man."

  I used my truck to get back to my feet. The pain in my body was nowhere near the pain in my heart. I knew Ethan. I knew him as the cocky asshole that never took anything too seriously. But this—this was not Ethan. At least, not the one from a year ago.

  "Oh wait," he mocked. "I forgot. You don't do things like a man." He punched me again. My face this time. My head flung to the side, but I took it. I'd take anything he gave me. I deserved it all.

  "Your girlfriend almost got raped and you bailed, right? That's your thing. You just fuck off?" Another punch. They were getting weaker. I'd be able to take a few more before my body failed me. "You fucking left. It was me that was there for her. I had to listen to her nightmares, her screams at night." I lifted my head to face him. I didn't know she’d had nightmares. "Oh." He nodded slowly as understanding dawned. "Of course she wouldn't tell you about that. Poor you, right? We better protect your fucking feelings." I let his words sink in as I took in his state. His knuckles were bleeding, or maybe it was my blood. Who the fuck knows? His shoulders lifted with his heavy breaths, but he could barely get a lungful before he hit me again. Another gut shot. Weaker again.

  I let the pain consume me. I needed to feel it. I deserved to feel it.

  "You've got nothing to say to me?" Another punch to the face. The blows hurt less, but the pain was constant. "Did she tell you she couldn't be home alone? Or that she slept with the light on? I bet she didn't fucking tell you any of that shit!" I tried to swallow the knot in my throat. She didn't tell me, but I’d never asked. I should have asked. He pushed against my chest, too weak to do anything else.

  Thunder clapped and rain poured down.

  Maybe it was a sign. Maybe she had every reason to be afraid of it. I couldn't just turn her nightmares into dreams, not when I didn't know they existed.

  He fisted my shirt in his hand, the rain soaking us both. He got right in my face.

  I waited.

  Then I heard her voice.

  "Stop," she yelled.

  I lifted my chin.

  "Stop it!" she yelled again.

  My head pounded, the beating finally catching up. I tried to square my shoulders.

  Ethan's voice was quieter now, intended just for me. "Do you know what it was like to walk in and see some guy on top of her like that? I got him off just in time, but she'd blacked out." His voice broke. He could've been crying, but the rain hid it. "She blacked out, and I thought she was fucking dead. I thought she'd died, Logan. I thought I'd fucking lost her."

  I shut my eyes tight. The mental image of that night came back to me. I'd locked it away—with the rest of my nightmares. And now it was here. His body on top of her, holding her arm. Her scream as he pushed it against the floor, breaking it. Me, pathetically crawling to get to her. Her tears flowing. Her body slack. She'd
given up.

  And then darkness.

  "Do you know what that was like for me?" Ethan yelled again.

  And then it happened.

  The walls I'd built to block out that night, the heartache, and the turmoil—it all came crashing down around me. I pushed him away. "How the fuck do you think I feel?" I shouted back. I pushed him again, my emotions taking control. "I was right fucking there and I couldn't stop it."

  I heard her say my name but I ignored it. "I couldn't do a fucking thing to stop any of it. It's my fault they were there! It's my fault they hurt her! You don't think I fucking know that?"

  "Stop," she yelled again.

  I kept my eyes on Ethan. "You don't think I have to live with that guilt every day? Ethan, I was right there! It was on me. I couldn't fucking save her!" I was crying, sobbing like a fucking baby.

  "Fuck you," he yelled, pushing against me again.

  "I couldn't fucking save her," I repeated. "I fucking hate myself for what I let those assholes do."

  "STOP IT!" Her high-pitched scream sliced through the night air. We both turned to her. Tristan was holding her back. She wrenched herself free and stepped towards us. "It's my fault."

  "What?" Ethan and I spoke at the same time.

  She glared at both of us before speaking. "It's my fault," she said again. "I should have stayed outside like you'd asked." She turned to me now. "The first thing you did when you knew we were in danger is get me out of that house. You picked me up, threw me out and locked the door. You told me to call the cops. That's all I had to do," she shouted over the sound of the rain. Her voice was strained from her withheld sob. "All I had to do was call the police and wait. But I couldn't even do that. I had to go back in . . . and for what? To save you? How the hell could I save you? One minute. One fucking minute and the cops would've been there, and everything would've changed. I'd be safe, just like you'd intended." She turned to Ethan now. "You would've never seen me in that position. I would've never even been in there. And Logan, he would've never left." She faced me again. "It's my fault. You think you're to blame for it all? You're so wrong. It's me. It's all on me." She collapsed to the ground. Her head fell in her hands.