Kat's Nine Lives

by Laina Villeneuve

  “Those all sound like completely different lives to me,” Drew said.

  Marie chuckled. “Her name, then is apropos. Cats are said to have many lives.”

  Her father laughed. “Just hope she’s not on her last one.”

  “I can see where some lives would end. She’s not the same as she was in high school. And she’s not married anymore, but she’s always going to be a mom. That’s a permanent identity, isn’t it?” Wendy asked.

  “It’s not as literal as the end of a marriage, but there comes a point when the relationship dynamic changes. You and your father are good examples of that,” Marie said. “You were already autonomous when I met you, and now look, you’re your own person who hosts us once a month. It’s nice to be here with you, but we don’t depend on you. One day we will, but that will be yet another phase of your life.”

  “I see what you mean,” Wendy said. “I can see where her son is now in a place where he doesn’t need her so much, but she still lives with her parents. That seems like a red flag when I think about pursuing something more than friendship.”

  “Has she ever lived by herself?” Marie asked.

  “No,” Wendy said, remembering her conversation with Kat at the pier.

  “I’ve always said that everyone should live by themselves for at least a year in order to know who they are and what they want,” Marie said.

  “You’ve never said that,” Drew laughed.

  “Just because you didn’t hear it doesn’t mean I’ve never said it,” Marie said. “Neither of you ever needed to hear it, for which I am very grateful, by the way.” She wrapped her arm around Wendy’s shoulder. “Is there anything we can do?”

  “Dessert might help.”

  “How can you think of putting another thing in your stomach?” Drew asked.

  “It’s not going in my stomach. It’s going in my dessert pocket,” Wendy said.

  “Now your chocolate request makes sense,” Marie said. “Chocolate makes everything better.”

  Except that chocolate made her think of Kat and how much she had liked her brownies. She knew the no-lying-about-the-artichoke-dip, chocolate-loving Kat, not the white-lies high-school Kat. The sexy drummer that she’d like to see more of. Those, together with the wife, mother and daughter brought her up to six distinct lives. But Kat had also been a sister, as well as a survivor of her sister’s death. Eight lives. What would she do with her ninth?

  * * *

  “How do you get this fucking screwy thing in the turny thing?” Kat looked for some kind of release on the drill but didn’t see anything. She went back to the garage and looked for a regular screwdriver and found a drawer with at least a dozen. She carried the whole drawer to the pool yard.

  Jeremy and Evan had scheduled Dave to take the bridge apart the weekend following their wedding. They agreed to leave it up for the second wedding but didn’t know when Dave would be available to come out to disassemble it. At the time, that had seemed fine, but all week, she saw Jack and Ember illuminated by the candles in the pool and hated herself a little more for acquiescing to Jack and not listening to Wendy.

  Had she said no, she would have been able to picture herself and Wendy on the bridge. She would have felt the exhilaration of anticipated kisses instead of the disappointment of Wendy’s excuses for her tardy reply.

  So here she was, screwdriver in hand, determined to take apart the bridge. The screws had an x in the middle, so she selected a pointy screwdriver. Hoping that righty tighty, lefty loosie held for more than just mayonnaise lids, she poked the point in and cranked. It didn’t budge. With two hands, she twisted, but the tool started to move without the screw loosening.

  “The wrong tool will strip the head.” Kat jumped at the sound of her father’s voice. “May I recommend the electric drill for the number of screws involved?”

  “It wouldn’t hold the screwdriver part.”

  Clyde entered the pool yard and in less than a minute assembled the necessary pieces and deftly removed the damaged screw.

  “It is not my intention to intrude if your desire was to disassemble this on your own.”

  Why couldn’t he just ask if she wanted his help or to be left alone? “I appreciate your help.”

  “You could look in the recycling for a yogurt container, something to hold the screws.”

  Kat returned with a small shipping box thinking she would tell her mother how her habitual online ordering had come in handy. She should have been prepared at least mentally if not emotionally when she returned. Her father. Poolside. Crouched.

  Only not over a bridge and screws.

  Over her sister.

  Push, push, pushing on her ribs.

  Breathe.

  Breathe, dammit.

  When had the ambulance arrived? She did not want to remember the lights and sirens. She didn’t want to remember.

  She was so cold. It was so cold sitting in the hospital in her wet swimsuit. Even with a blanket wrapped around her, she was so cold. She heard her mother’s roar when she arrived. Her throat burned raw, and she fought against hands that held her. She opened her eyes to see her father, startled, his hands on her shoulders.

  “Kat?”

  The sound was coming from her.

  “Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!” Her body suddenly burned fire hot.

  He backed away. “What is this?”

  “Why was he more important? You chose him when you should have been by the pool.” The panic she had felt as a child collided with her adult anger.

  “It was an accident. What do you want me to do? Say I’m sorry?”

  “Are you? Or were you more upset to lose Antòn?”

  “You are not the only one who grieved.”

  “And you still won’t say you’re sorry.”

  “Would it help?” Clyde’s voice was eerily calm. Only the rise and fall of his chest betrayed how upset he was.

  “Never mind.”

  “Still you cannot forgive.”

  “No. I can’t. Because of your choice, I have to carry that night. You were the parent but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was getting laid.”

  “Ava did not die because Antòn and I were lovers.”

  “You were distracted.”

  “Parenthood is full of distractions.”

  “You should have been outside telling her not to mess around.”

  “In other words, it’s your guilt that you did not tell her to be careful. Perhaps you should forgive yourself.”

  “No. You put your happiness first, and we all paid the price.”

  “Has your mother not put her happiness before others as well?”

  “I can’t do this.” Kat threw her arms up in the air. “This is why I don’t talk about Ava. The only thing that you care about is proving it wasn’t your fault.”

  “It grieves me that you don’t think I have paid for my mistake. I lost both my daughters that night.”

  Kat could not disagree. Without another word, she walked away from her father. He was absolutely correct that she never trusted him again, and when Millie attempted suicide, she’d lost her mother as well. She knew that her father saw the opposite, that he felt redeemed by preventing Millie’s death with his quick action. It was true that she survived opening a vein at her elbow. But he could not erase the silence on the other side of the bathroom door when Kat had knocked. Could never erase the silence in the car as he drove them all to the emergency room, Kat alone in the back seat wondering which sister would get to have her mother.

  She was no longer a sister, and she didn’t feel like a daughter either. It wasn’t such a surprise, really, that she’d gotten pregnant so early. Her childhood had been pulled out from under her. Being a wife and a parent gave her a clear sense of self and purpose.

  She stormed to her room and grabbed a duffel bag, blindly tossing in clothes from her drawers. Abruptly she stopped and sat on her bed. There was nowhere to go. Maybe if it was just her, she could call Wendy. She threw
the bag across the room and screamed into her pillow. Wendy was the only one who knew enough about her dad for her to unload, but how could she call when she knew Wendy was angry with her?

  For a second, she considered calling Erin. She knew Erin had room in that huge house, but she could not ask her to take in Travis as well. She sat there in her old room stunned. All she had known was this bedroom and the one she had shared with Jack. She had never had a space she had created herself. Could she have her own apartment? She really didn’t have the first clue how to go about it. Jack had set up the phone and the electricity and the… She grabbed a pen and started making a list of all the things she would need. But first she needed to find a place, and if she was thinking about a new place, maybe she should be looking for a new job. Taking a deep breath, she booted up her computer to see what she could do about her own life.

  Chapter Twenty

  I have a favor, Kat’s text read. Wendy hadn’t even had time to formulate a response when another flash of messages came in.

  I keep bothering you. Sorry.

  Wendy started to type an apology for being less available. In the weeks following Jack and Ember’s wedding, any time the happiness from their pier date urged her to get in touch with Kat, the anger she felt when Jack had called had stayed her hand.

  So much happened after the wedding. Sometime maybe we could do lunch.

  What had happened since the wedding? Was Kat embracing her lesbianism? Not that she ever used the label. Was that significant? She allowed herself to contemplate what it would be like to keep dating Kat and be a part of her self-discovery.

  I miss talking to you, Kat texted again.

  Marie’s question about whether Kat had ever lived by herself resurfaced. Like Marie, Wendy thought that it was important. As hard as it was, she had to back away and give Kat space to discover who she was for herself. She wanted to be part of her life but not at the expense of Kat’s independence.

  So much has changed.

  What had changed? Her connection to Jack? With his marriage to Ember, that tie didn’t feel like a threat. The relationship Kat had with her parents was much more troubling. Though Wendy felt certain about Kat needing to live on her own, she also didn’t feel like it was her business. Who was she to dictate what Kat should do with her life? If she really loved Kat, wouldn’t she accept her as she was, despite the tangled connection to her parents?

  Hence the favor.

  Love? When had that happened? The one-way conversation had evolved to the point that her first message made no sense. She hit backspace on the phone wishing it was as easy to back up one’s feelings and find a different trajectory as it was to delete words and begin a new idea. Love? How did she redirect that?

  Can I list you as a reference?

  Reference? Wendy couldn’t say what she thought Kat was going to ask, but would not have guessed that in a million years. Instead of typing, she hit the phone icon.

  “Hi!”

  Even that one word sounded breathless with gratitude, and Wendy felt bad for sitting and letting her type as much as she had. “Hey. I’ve been trying to reply to you, but you’re too fast for me.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m just so excited, it’s hard to slow down.”

  “Don’t apologize! Tell me what’s exciting.”

  “I’m filling out an application for a place that does event planning in Pasadena. At the end, there’s a box where I can say what I’d bring to the position that is unique to me. I’ve put in all my church ties, and how I have experience with weddings and funerals and concerts and…just lots of stuff! I’m sorry I’m rambling! I was wondering if it would be okay with you for me to say that we have worked together and that you could refer both me and the agency to your clients.”

  “Absolutely!” Wendy said without hesitation.

  “Really? You would do that for me?” Kat’s voice lost the confidence that had rung clear initially.

  “Are you kidding? That sounds like a great job for you!”

  “I know, but I was worried about you.”

  Wendy was confused. “Me? Why would you be worried about me?”

  “I wouldn’t be referring business from the church anymore.”

  “Don’t give that idea any more of your brain space. You’re allowed to make decisions based on what’s best for you, you know.”

  Kat laughed. “Easy for you to say. That’s probably how you’ve lived your whole life. I’m not used to thinking about me first.”

  “It’s wonderful,” Wendy said honestly.

  “So I can put you as a reference and talk about how our jobs could complement each other?”

  “I’d love to be a reference.”

  “Super! I’m going to finish it up.”

  “I’ll think good thoughts for you!” Wendy said. Selfishly, she wanted to keep Kat on the phone a moment longer. She missed the sound of her voice, missed hanging out with her. Hearing Kat so focused on something other than Kindred Souls and her family was both wonderful and crushing. Part of her wanted to hear that Kat needed her and missed her.

  “Thanks! Hey Wendy?”

  “Yeah?”

  “How are you? Are things good? I feel bad for…” Kat took a breath, and Wendy waited for her to finish her thought. “I don’t want you to think that I’ve forgotten what was happening between us.”

  “I don’t,” Wendy said, even though that was precisely her worry.

  “Right now, though…All of a sudden I feel like there’s a bunch of stuff I need to do for myself.”

  Wendy smiled. “I totally get that.”

  “You’re the best, you know that?”

  “I didn’t. Thanks for telling me.”

  Kat’s wonderful laugh came through the line. “I’ll try to tell you more often. We need to get together soon. There’s so much I want to tell you. Stuff I’m still sorting out.”

  “There’s time.”

  “I totally know what you mean! I think this is the first time in my life I’ve felt like that. I’ll call you soon, okay?”

  Wendy agreed. When she hung up, she tried to only feel happy about Kat’s excitement, but it was hard to watch from the sidelines. Selfishly, she wanted Kat to suggest they get together to celebrate. But it had only been a few weeks since they had fallen out. This new Kat was all the harder for Wendy to resist, and though she missed spending time with her, she knew that giving Kat space was the right thing to do.

  * * *

  “Do you like it?” Travis asked.

  Floating on the high of submitting her job application, Kat took Travis to see some of the apartments she had found. This two-bedroom apartment would be perfect. Travis could walk to school. The rent would eat up most of her new salary, and her commute to Pasadena would stink. She mustered up as much enthusiasm as she could. “I think it could work. What about you?”

  He shrugged.

  “What’s wrong with it?”

  “It’s just so…small.”

  “Travis…”

  “I know. It’s fine. If it’s what you want.”

  “Honey…”

  Kat keenly felt the attention of the apartment manager. Long brown hair hung from beneath his greasy Yankees baseball cap. His thick glasses and scraggly beard gave him the appearance of a mole reluctantly extracted from its burrow. She did not want to have a private conversation in front of this unappealing stranger. “There are a few others we could look at,” she offered.

  “Two bedrooms?” Travis asked.

  “Yes.” Inside, she was pulling the same attitude Travis was. A two-bedroom apartment. Kat had moved back in with her parents to avoid Travis having to live in an apartment. She thought of Wendy on the other side of the freeway in a much sketchier neighborhood than this one. And Kat had started here because the rent was cheapest. The other apartments were in better neighborhoods and would seriously push her budget.

  “Mom?” Travis pulled her from her thoughts.

  “We’ll give you a call,” she said to the
manager.

  “Mom. I don’t want to live in an apartment. How am I going to practice?”

  The manager looked as uncomfortable as Kat felt. She thanked him for his time and walked to the car.

  “Mom.” Something in his voice made Kat stop. “I want to go home.”

  She heard the assertiveness in his voice that she was just now trying to emulate. She hadn’t missed that he said “home.” She spent so much time worrying about him feeling angry about living with his grandparents, yet he had said “home.”

  Travis was absorbed in his phone, and Kat left him alone. She had already uprooted him once, and here she was about to uproot him again. In a matter of minutes, she was pulling into the drive at her parents’ house. “This doesn’t seem like Gramma and Grandfather’s house to you?”

  “No. I like living here. There isn’t a place you could afford that would give me this much room. But you need a place like this.” He handed her his phone with a photo and description of a lovely mother-in-law unit in Glendale.

  “This is a one-bedroom place. It’s way too small for us, and I’d be fighting traffic to get you to school and then again to get to work.”

  “I just said I like living here. I want to stay here with Gramma and Grandfather. And you could live in Glendale.”

  Her stomach felt like it had bottomed out. “What? That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “Why not?”

  How could she trust her parents with her son? But she couldn’t tell him that. “You’re supposed to live with a parent.”

  “Says who?”

  “Says everyone. What will people think?”

  “You don’t care what people think,” he said.

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Well you shouldn’t.”

  Kat walked to the house. She heard Travis trotting behind her.

  “Don’t be mad.”

  “How am I supposed to feel after you say you don’t want to live with me?”

  “You should be psyched to have the chance to live on your own without your parents or your kid.”

  “What about your dad?” Travis started to open his mouth, and she waved at him to stop. “I know how uncomfortable you are there. I’m sorry. It just doesn’t sit right with me to leave you here.”