Past Perfect Life

by Elizabeth Eulberg

  “I think your focus should be on settling in here and your schoolwork,” Paula states with a nod like the matter is settled.

  “You know,” Craig begins, “I think it would be nice to give the sisters some time alone. Family bonding and all that.”

  “Yeah,” Sarah agrees. “Let me and Ally have some pizza-eating and movie-watching sister time.”

  Craig and Paula aren’t the only ones taken aback that Sarah seems to want to hang out with me.

  “That sounds great,” I add. Even the idea of babysitting gives me a jolt of my past life. The old Ally. She’s still in here somewhere.

  “Fantastic!” Craig claps his hands together. “I’ll call Charlie and let him know we’re in.”

  Paula only nods in response, like she doesn’t trust us to be left alone.

  “I was thinking tomorrow for lunch that I’d do some grilling for the big game. Isn’t that what you usually do when you watch Packers games, Ally?” Craig asks.

  “Yes.” I’m touched he remembers and wants to help keep whatever traditions I can.

  “Requests?” He points around the table.

  “Turkey burger,” Sarah pipes up.

  “What time is this game?” Paula asks.

  “Noon,” I reply.

  “One o’clock here—you’re on East Coast time now,” Craig reminds me.

  “So we’ll eat before the game. Twelve thirty,” Paula states.

  “Oh, um.” I close my mouth. The Packers aren’t going to lose because I eat a burger before kickoff. Although it’s the Bears, and do I really want to risk it? Thank Lombardi I brought my Donald Driver jersey with me.

  “Wait a second, don’t you usually do it at halftime?” Craig pipes in.

  “Yes, it’s tradition.”

  “When is halftime?” Paula asks.

  “Probably around two thirty or three.”

  “No, that’s far too late to eat lunch.”

  “Dinner isn’t until seven, and we’ll have a late breakfast,” Craig argues. “Can’t mess with very important and time-honored football traditions.”

  See, Craig totally gets it.

  “What do you want me to grill up for tomorrow, Ally? Burger? Cheeseburger? Brat? I can go to Whole Foods and get some of those fancy salmon burgers or veggie burgers.”

  “Just a cheeseburger would be nice, thanks,” I reply. I don’t want him to make a fuss, but it does warm my heart that he’s going through all this effort to give me a small sense of my life before.

  “Come on! This is a big game. You got to keep up your strength! You know, I think you should come with me to the grocery store to make sure I don’t get something offensive, like Vermont cheddar.”

  I laugh. It echoes loudly in the dining room. Sarah giggles along, and Craig is pretty pleased with himself.

  “Okay, then, we’ll head over to Whole Foods later. We’ll get some meat and cheese. Maybe some dips. Oh, and I can grab some sushi for dinner later.”

  I wrinkle my nose at the mention of sushi.

  “Have you never had sushi?” Craig asks.

  I shake my head. I’ve seen it on TV, but could never imagine eating raw fish. I’ve watched Dad cut open fish all the time, and it’s hard enough to eat that stuff after it’s been cooked.

  “It’s delicious,” Sarah replies. “Shrimp tempura roll for me.”

  “Got it! It’s in the vault.” Craig taps his head. “We’ll start you off with something easy, Ally. Like a California roll and work our way up to sashimi.”

  “Okay.”

  Paula clears her throat loudly. Her face is sad. “You used to eat only grilled cheese.”

  “What’s that, sweetie?” Craig asks.

  “Mandy would eat only grilled cheese sandwiches when she was little. For dinner. For lunch. Once I had to make her one for breakfast. I couldn’t look at a grilled cheese for years.”

  Way to bring down the room, Paula.

  Besides, wasn’t she the one who said we had to stop thinking about the past?

  After yesterday, I’m slowly coming to realize how much damage my disappearance did to Paula. She’s right: the only way we’re going to move forward is to focus on the future. The past carries too many painful memories for us both. For her, it’s all she missed in my life. For me, it’s the people and plans I’ve had to leave behind. We’ve both been devastated by Dad’s actions. Perhaps even beyond repair.

  Craig seems to understand what we need. He’s the one talking about the future. What we’ll do tomorrow. Things I might want to try, while Paula refuses to leave the past. Maybe it’s because it’s the only thing she and I share? Although there’s a part of me that is starting to get the feeling that maybe it’s because I’m not that little girl who’s been living in her memory all this time.

  I’ve changed. She’s changed.

  And sometimes you can’t force something to happen that’s not there.

  Chapter

  THIRTY-THREE

  Once again, I find myself in the guest bedroom I’m living in now. It’s become my safe space. Craig, Sarah, and I are going to the grocery store in a little bit, so for now I … I’m not sure what.

  I turn on the TV. I haven’t watched the news since I got here. I decide to google my birth name. The main article on the Tampa Bay Times home page reads, Homecoming for Missing Teen. It states that I’m back in Tampa and getting to know my family, but a spokesperson for the family (they have a spokesperson?) has requested privacy. So, of course, that one age-progressed photo fills half the screen. “A source close to the family says she’ll be attending a local public school.”

  Who’s this source? Randy? Paula’s right, Randy’s a jackass.

  There was not one word, except for Dana’s ill-fated attempt at fame, from anybody in Valley Falls. Here in Florida, we have a spokesperson, and someone “close to the family” is blabbing my school plans. Why can’t people shut their mouths and mind their own business?

  I close out the news app and look at the other options, something to entertain me for a while.

  I click on a few apps to see what the Gleasons have been up to, but none of their accounts have been active in days. The last post from Marian (or “Ariel Jasmine” as she named her profile after we spent a weekend binge-watching Disney cartoons) was from my birthday. A selfie of all of us with cake on our forks at lunch.

  Nothing since. From any of them.

  I’m a little relieved to see that I haven’t been left out of anything big since I got here, but it also makes me miss them even more.

  I close the app and see the FaceTime button, and before I can talk myself out of it, I hit one of the ten numbers I have saved on my new phone. I lean against my headboard and hold up the phone to get a good angle.

  The screen comes to life, and there’s some shuffling around, a hilarious “Dammit!” as the phone drops before the screen finally fills with Neil’s face. “Hey!” He tries to sound cool, but I can tell how happy he is to hear from me.

  Okay, okay, I’ll admit that makes me excited.

  “Hey!” I reply with the same silly grin on my face.

  “How are things? How are you? How is your new family? And Florida?”

  “The truth?” I ask.

  “Always,” he replies. Seeing his face and knowing he’s in his messy bedroom at home while I’m over a thousand miles away makes me long to be back on familiar ground.

  “On a scale from one to ten, negative forty-four billion.”

  Neil winces. “I’m so sorry. It’s only been three days; maybe you’ll get used to it?”

  Three days/stars. It feels so much longer than that. The hours are stretching out and making six months until graduation feel like an entire lifetime.

  “Plus, home is just a press of a button.” He points at the screen.

  That will never be enough.

  “How are things back in the sprawling metropolis of Valley Falls?”

  “The truth?”

  “Always,” I reply with a wi
nk.

  “They completely blow. We’re all just angry and sad. Even Rob hardly talks at lunch, so you know things are bad. We all stare at the seat where you should be sitting. It’s not fair that you can just be taken from us. Like, I know she’s your birth mom and everything, but you’re not a piece of property to be passed around.” I lower the volume on the speaker so Paula doesn’t overhear. “I know you don’t want this, either. We miss you.”

  “I miss you guys, too. Even Rob,” I admit.

  Neil’s eyes get wide. “It’s even worse than I thought!”

  We share a laugh, but then Neil’s face creases with worry. “Are they at least treating you well?”

  “Yeah,” I begrudgingly admit. “I guess. Paula got me this phone and all these new clothes yesterday. I have everything I could need: clothes, food, shelter, you know, whatever that hierarchy thing is we learned last year in Ms. Fogelman’s class. But it’s too forced. They don’t feel like family.”

  Neil snorts. “Sorry! But you do realize that your family dynamic here wasn’t normal, right?”

  I give him a look. Yeah, clearly my life was anything but normal.

  “No!” Neil hits his forehead. “That’s not what I mean. It’s just you and your dad are so close. It was cool to see and all. It’s like you shared the same brain.”

  I can’t reply. It’s nearly impossible even to think about Dad and my situation without breaking down. Especially since this hurt, this pain, is all his fault.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  I shake my head to rid myself of the devastating thoughts. “I get that I’ll never be able to have what I had with my dad with them. It’s … I don’t feel at home here. It’s like I’m biding my time until I can leave, but Paula is insisting I look at colleges here.”

  “You can’t stay in Florida.” Neil clenches his jaw.

  “There is zero chance of that happening. When we were at the mall yesterday, Paula wanted me to get all this new stuff for this bedroom so I could make it my own.” I gesture to the pristine guest room. That’s how I look at it: I’m a guest. “I didn’t even want to get a throw pillow.”

  It makes me uncomfortable to keep spending her money, especially on something as frivolous as a forty-dollar pillow to decorate a bed. I should’ve said yes to make Paula happy, but I got on a plane and left my life behind to make her happy.

  “Ah, what’s a throw pillow?” Neil asks. “Is that a Florida thing?”

  “Probably. It’s a fancy pillow used solely to decorate a bed, but then you just toss it aside when you want to actually sleep.”

  “So it’s useless.” He laughs.

  “Pretty much.”

  “They seem to have a lot of money. What do they even do for a living? So, you know, when I grow up I can have enough money to buy throw pillows.”

  There’s admittedly a lot I don’t know about Paula and Craig, but this question I can answer. “Paula works in marketing for a hospital, and Craig’s a CFO—that stands for chief financial officer, so, the dude who handles all the money—for a tech company.”

  Neil’s eyes get wide. “So, yeah, they have money. Do you have to refer to Craig as Chief?”

  “No, Craig’s pretty cool, but the money thing is weird. They don’t worry about it at all here. I’ve had Starbucks every day so far.”

  “Now you’re just bragging. I should remind you that we have fried cheese curds and frozen custard.”

  The smile on my face vanishes. “You know I’d rather be there.”

  “I do.”

  There’s an awkward pause in our conversation. I look away from the screen.

  “I wish you were coming with Marian for Christmas break,” I admit. I can’t look at Neil’s reaction. The distance has made it easier for me to be bold with him. Right now all I want is to be in the same room as Neil. To not have to rely on a phone screen to see him.

  And let me put it out there. I don’t just want to see him. I want to touch him. To hug him; Neil always gives the best hugs. And, yeah, kiss him.

  When I finally do glance at the phone, I see a beaming Neil. “Really? You know I’d love to. I heard you’re going to Disney World.”

  “Oh, so you’re more interested in visiting Cinderella than me? Okay, I get it. I see your priorities,” I tease.

  “Hey, there’s only one princess in my heart.”

  Oh my God, that is the cheesiest thing ever, but I love it.

  I shake my head, even though I’m blushing from his comment. “I mean, it’s Disney World. So we should have fun.”

  What kid hasn’t begged their parents to take them? I used to ask Dad all the time.

  Oh. It just hits me. When I used to ask Dad, he’d say no because we couldn’t afford it. While, yeah, we didn’t have the money for a vacation to Florida, he also couldn’t risk coming here again. Orlando is less than a two-hour drive from Tampa.

  “I wish I could be there. I miss you.” Two dimples appear as Neil frowns.

  “I miss you, too.”

  It’s nice being with someone I can not only be myself with but who I can tell the truth to. With every “fine” and “good” that I tell this new family, I feel like I’m losing a part of myself. Burying the true me.

  What if she disappears completely?

  “Ally?” Neil touches the screen.

  I touch it back. “Yeah?”

  “We are going to work this out, okay? None of us are giving up on you, especially me. We are going to get you back, I promise.”

  I’ve had a lot of promises made to me over the years, namely Dad telling me things would be okay.

  I’ve never wanted a promise to hold up as much as this one.

  Chapter

  THIRTY-FOUR

  “Well, you’ve done it!” Craig throws his hands up in the air at the end of the Packers–Bears game. “You’ve turned me into a Packers fan.”

  We’re in Craig’s man cave, which is on the second floor of the garage. I thought the TV in the living room was huge, but it is nothing compared to the monstrosity in front of us. The room—the size of my old home—has an oversized U-shaped couch, a mini-kitchen with a refrigerator filled with soda and beer (which Craig made sure to tell me with a wink that he keeps tabs on), and every kind of chip you can imagine in the cupboards.

  Sarah came up to watch the kickoff but quickly got bored, while Paula kept coming in to check on us but wouldn’t sit down. I couldn’t tell if she was curious how Craig and I were getting along or if she wanted to make sure I was still there.

  “You’re welcome,” I reply to Craig before I put another piece of cheese in my mouth.

  “And this stuff.” He picks up a piece of Wisconsin white cheddar that was like thirty dollars a pound at Whole Foods. “Amazing. You’ve taught me so much. Aren’t I supposed to be the one to instill life-changing knowledge?”

  “You can show me how to avoid a sunburn,” I offer. My right arm had gotten scorched from the car ride to the grocery store yesterday. I never had to think about putting sunscreen on in the winter. And despite the blazing sun outside, it is winter.

  “Hey, so I wanted to talk to you about a few things.” Craig presses mute on the TV remote.

  “Okay,” I say as a pit forms in my stomach. There hasn’t been a single “talk” by an adult in the past several days that has made me feel anything but worse.

  “I know things are difficult for you. They have been for Paula. She’s been so focused on finding you I don’t think she realized all that comes with you being here.”

  He continues, “The most important thing right now is your safety and privacy. It’s probably best for you to have an alias for school. Paula’s name has been in the news a lot lately, so having you go to school as Allison McMullen might set off a few alarm bells.”

  He’s right. Paula McMullen has been mentioned several times in every article; the photo of her tearstained at the first press conference when I went missing has been plastered all over the media as well.
/>   “Do you want to think about a last name before you visit the school tomorrow?” Craig asks.

  I nod, although Gleason automatically pops into my head. Allison Gleason.

  “Or may I suggest Johnson, since it’s the second-most-common last name in the US behind Smith. I googled,” Craig says with a laugh.

  Allison Johnson.

  It doesn’t feel like me. But neither does Allison McMullen. Or even Amanda Linsley.

  “Sure.” I relent.

  “Great!” Craig says with a thumbs-up before his face turns serious again. “Has your mom talked to you about the social worker?”

  I shake my head.

  He sighs. “It’s probably another thing she doesn’t want to think about, but you have to meet with a social worker. She’s doing a home visit tomorrow, just to make sure everything is okay here. And also, I don’t know how you feel about this, but maybe it wouldn’t be the worst idea for you to talk to a therapist. Is that something you’d like?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrug. No shock that my only experience with therapists is from TV. “What would we talk about?”

  “Anything you’d like. Same as with the social worker. I know this has been a lot for you and, I really hate to use this word, but you are a victim. You were kidnapped.”

  “By my own dad,” I clarify. I know people always hear the word “kidnap” and have these horrible visions. Rightfully so. But that’s not what happened with me. “I really liked living with him. Plus, I didn’t know anything was wrong. At all.”

  Craig nods thoughtfully. “I know. But this is a lot for anybody to handle. You have to reconcile a great deal about your past and your father. I’ve got to be honest: when we heard you were found, I didn’t know what to think. I’d been living with this idea of you for so long I almost didn’t believe you were real. But here you are.”

  No surprise that I hadn’t spent any time thinking about how this all affected Craig. “I’m sorry.” Will I ever be able to apologize enough to them?

  Although it would be nice if someone here would apologize to me, or at least acknowledge how unfair all this has been. Or not pretend that the past fifteen years didn’t exist for me. And they were good years.