Past Perfect Life

by Elizabeth Eulberg

  “Thanks.” I sit down on the floor near their tree.

  “Your pile is over there.” Sarah points to a huge stack of presents near an armchair.

  My eyes are wide. I’ve never seen so many presents in my life.

  “We had a lot of Christmases to make up for,” Paula states with that sad look on her face that appears whenever she looks at me.

  “It’s too much,” I say, but she ignores me and starts unwrapping the gift I got her.

  I’m relieved the presents I ordered online came in time since they each got me at least one present. I had to borrow Craig’s credit card to make the purchases, and he’s refused my repeated attempts to pay him back with the cash I have from my savings.

  Paula rips open the present with the look of, well, a kid on Christmas morning. She holds up the Packers T-shirt. “Oh, what fun!”

  I honestly had no idea what to get the people I didn’t know existed a month ago. So I went with Packers paraphernalia. I figure since they know I’m going to be watching games here, they might want to start coming “to the dark side,” as Craig once jokingly described it.

  “You’re next!” Paula says to me with a little clap.

  I pick up a small silver-and-red-wrapped box from the top of my pile and run my finger along the seam. When I open it up, I find an assortment of earrings in all colors, shapes, and sizes.

  “I thought you’d like some more jewelry to go with your new clothes,” Paula says with a smile. She comes over to me and picks up the silver hoops on the top. “These are my favorite. You should put them on now!”

  She reaches out the earrings to me, a hopeful smile on her face.

  I take them from her. “Oh, thanks. They’re gorgeous. It’s just, um, I don’t …”

  Her face falls as she looks at my ears, which have never been pierced. “I didn’t know …”

  Why would she?

  “It’s okay!” I reply with a pat on her hand. I know Paula’s repeated attempts to help me be more of a girly girl is her version of bonding. I appreciate it, but it’s just not me. I’ll let her dress me up and accessorize me, but there’s no way I’m letting a needle go through my ears. Nope. Not happening.

  “I’m sure Paula won’t mind having to make a trip to the mall to exchange them for whatever you want,” Craig says with a wink.

  “Yeah!” I reply brightly, willing that sad look on Paula’s face to vanish. “That sounds like fun.”

  She brushes my face with her hand. “Okay, sweetheart.”

  “Me next!” Sarah calls out as she picks up a large bag.

  We go around one by one to open presents. Craig particularly likes the Cheesehead I got him, which he proudly puts on. My other gifts from Paula include sparkly shirts and short skirts I would never wear.

  With every passing minute I fall into a deeper depression over how wrong this feels. They’re doing their best to make me feel at home, but it’s having the opposite effect. I feel terrible about it. Expensive presents aren’t going to change how I feel. In fact, it’s the opposite of how I’d spent the holidays. Dad and I would exchange one silly gift—last year he gave me this coin purse with a woman dressed up with a tiara that said, Dress for the Job You Want, while I got him a T-shirt that read, Totally Rad in big neon letters since he likes random weird sayings from the dark ages (aka the 1980s). The gifts weren’t the point. It was spending time together. Like a real family.

  That memory plunges me even further into my funk.

  Sarah bolts up from the floor, which is littered with torn paper and boxes. “Can I FaceTime Stacey to show her what I got?”

  Paula laughs. “Yes.” Sarah takes an armful of her presents and goes into the kitchen. Paula’s attention turns to me. “Feeling better?”

  I shake my head. “Not really.” I can tell that my face isn’t as hot anymore, but that doesn’t change that I want to simply hide under the covers for the rest of today. “Would it be okay if I went upstairs?”

  Paula hesitates for a moment before telling me it’s okay.

  “Thanks.” I start to gather up all my gifts. “And thanks for everything. It’s really nice of you all.”

  I go upstairs and start putting my gifts into piles, so I can write thank-you notes. When I realize I left my glass of water downstairs, I head back out, but pause as I hear Craig and Paula’s conversation drift upstairs. Even though their voices are hushed, I can hear what they’re saying.

  “She needs more time. This is all new to her, and today has to be really hard,” Craig says.

  My stomach churns, as it’s fairly obvious who they’re talking about.

  “What about the past fifteen Christmases for me?” Paula says. “Those were painful. Now she’s here and it’s obvious she wants to be anywhere else. Is it too much to ask that I get to spend Christmas with my daughter?”

  “I know, but, Paula, you need to stop getting mad at her—”

  “I’m not mad!” Her voice rises.

  “Yes, you are. This is a lot for her. I don’t think you realize how you’re punishing Ally for what her father did. You’re still so angry about the past and what you lost that you are pushing her away. You’re so focused on how you want her to behave you’re missing out on the amazing girl who’s upstairs. She’s hurt. She’s scared. This is all new to her; we are new to her.”

  “I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.”

  That makes two of us, Paula.

  “Nobody would blame you for that, but let’s think about Ally. Her feelings matter just as much, if not more than yours.”

  “It’s like I’ve lost her twice. First it was because of Dan; now it’s because she simply doesn’t want to be here.” Paula sighs. “I’m not angry, I’m frustrated. All I want is for her to be happy. Why can’t she just be happy?”

  I don’t want to hear anymore. I go into the guest room and lock the door. I crawl under the covers of the bed and turn the TV on. Mindlessly flipping through the channels, I stop when I see The Christmas Story. It’s at one of my favorite parts. When the bully pushes down the younger brother and because of his mega-snowsuit he can’t get up.

  My lip quivers as I ready for the line Dad and I used to say to each other when we’d get bundled up for winter in northern Wisconsin. We sometimes had on so many layers it was hard to move.

  Then it came: “Randy lay there like a slug … It was his only defense.”

  A laugh quickly turns into a sob. I shut the TV off and throw the duvet over my head, burying myself away into a cocoon of sobs and misery.

  Paula’s right.

  Why can’t I just be happy?

  Chapter

  FORTY

  Whenever there was a bad storm at home, my dad and I would walk outside after the clouds would clear and peer into the sky, looking for a rainbow.

  “Just remember during a storm, Ally Bean, that light will always follow,” he used to say.

  The past few weeks have been a horrible storm for me, but today, today I get a taste of the light.

  It’s day fourteen. I get to see Marian and Baxter.

  The last time I was at the Tampa airport, my nerves were swirling with panic and uncertainty. There was fear of the media that had swarmed the arrivals gate. There was the insecurity of what was waiting for me once I exited the airport.

  Today is different. My stomach is jumpy, but it’s for the excitement of seeing my two best friends.

  Paula drove me to the airport. Things between us remain off. Every time I look at her, I see only someone who wishes her daughter were someone else.

  “The flight’s landed,” I remark to cut through the silence. Marian’s flight from Chicago is here. I begin to scan the crowds of people coming out past security. It seems to take months before I finally see her dark hair bobbing up and down. I move to get a better look, but before I can wave to her, she sees me and breaks into a sprint.

  “Ally!” she screams as she barrels into me. She’s hugging me so tightly and turning me around and around
I’m getting dizzy, but I don’t care.

  We stand there, hugging each other for what seems like an eternity.

  “Good to see you again, Marian,” Paula says. “How was the flight?”

  “It got me here,” Marian replies as she finally pulls away and gets a good look at me. “Look at you! So Florida with your open-toed sandals and tan.”

  I look down at my pale white arms. “I’m not tan.”

  “I know. You do realize that the sun is good for you, right? Vitamin D and all that.” She peels off her bulky winter jacket. “Guess I don’t need this anymore. It was so nice to carry on, since I don’t need fourteen layers to step outside here.”

  Paula starts walking. “I checked with the airline, and we have to get Baxter at the special services desk in baggage claim.”

  Poor Baxter. Not only did he have to fly for the first time, but he’s also too big to fit under the seat, so we had to put him in a crate. He’s never really spent a lot of time in a crate before. Hopefully seeing me will make up for it. It would literally rip my heart out if he doesn’t recognize me.

  And then I’m making him stay in a weird place. I have to keep him in the backyard or Craig’s man cave thanks to Paula’s and Sarah’s allergies. They’re both taking an antihistamine, but I’m hoping if I keep everything really clean and they don’t have any issues that I can keep him here.

  “Oh, I also brought some Wisconsin cheese!” Marian holds up a plastic bag from Gleason’s Grocer.

  Score another point for why Wisconsin is better than Florida: the cheese.

  “Yum! I can’t wait to eat all of that.” My stomach growls to prove my point.

  We get to baggage claim, and I hear Baxter before I see him. He’s straining his leash, barking at me, his tail wagging a thousand miles an hour.

  I run to him. I fall to my knees, and Baxter starts licking my face. “Hey, boy.” I try to hug him, but he’s too excited to see me. I just pet him and let his kisses fall on me, finding comfort in another part of my home.

  Marian’s laugh cuts through all the slobbering.

  “Ahem,” comes from above. It’s the person who has Baxter by the leash. It’s then that I notice the shoes are familiar: green-and-white Vans.

  I look up and there he is.

  Christmas wishes do come true.

  “Hey,” Neil says with a wide grin on his face.

  I stand up and nearly fall over. “What are you—You know what, it doesn’t matter!” I throw my arms around him and breathe him in. He wraps his arms around me in a way that’s gentle but firm. I bury my face in his jacket, not wanting anybody to see the tears that are starting to spill. Baxter is jumping on us and yapping happily.

  Marian, Neil, and Baxter. Three huge pieces of myself have returned to me, and I don’t want to let any of them go.

  Marian turns her face up into the sun. “I have to admit, this is nice. But in a nice-place-to-visit-in-the-winter-and-during-spring-break way,” she clarifies as she unfolds her legs out from under her to get some sun. “Not where-my-best-friend-should-live-permanently nice.”

  We’re in the backyard watching Baxter run around sniffing every inch of the grass. He keeps coming back to me every few seconds to make sure I’m still here. He rests his head on my lap for a moment before a squirrel distracts him.

  The sun is beginning to set. We’ve spent the past three hours talking a mile a minute as if we hadn’t been speaking or texting every day.

  “Okay, besides Disney World and the beach, we want to see your high school while we’re here,” Neil states. “You know, the Death Star.”

  “It’s too big to be a school,” I say with a laugh.

  “I have a very bad feeling about this,” Neil says, completing our new adapted Star Wars quote for the monstrosity known as my school building.

  I still can’t believe that he’s here and that Paula and Craig kept it a secret because Marian wanted it to be a surprise. (Apparently Sarah wasn’t informed, because they thought she’d spill.) Finally, a nice surprise.

  “I also want us to take Sarah somewhere, just the four of us,” I state.

  “Cool,” Marian says. “She seems really sweet.”

  “She is. We’re growing on each other.”

  Neil leans into me, and goose bumps run up my body. “That’s good.”

  “Oh, and I figure that I can let you two have some alone time,” Marian says with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

  Neil’s face lights up. “That’s really, really good.”

  Yes, it is.

  Who knew being a tourist could be so exhausting?

  Yesterday was spent at Disney World. Neil, Marian, and I ran around like little kids having a competition of who would get the most selfies with the costumed characters (Marian won since she spied both Minnie Mouse and Goofy when she went to the restroom). We ate cotton candy until our hands were sticky and rode rides until we felt sick. Neil got sunburn on his ears and neck because he forgot to slather them with sunscreen.

  At the end of the day, we watched the fireworks overhead. Neil’s fingers touched mine lightly before he entwined our hands. We stood there, our heads aimed at the sky, holding hands until it was time to go back to Tampa.

  Now the three of us are sprawled out in Craig’s man cave.

  “Ouch,” Marian says as she sits up. “My legs are sore. Am I so out of shape that simply walking around has made my legs burn? Actually, don’t answer that question.”

  “Well, we did walk, what, like ten miles or something?”

  Paula has a fancy watch that counts her steps, so she kept updating us as she hit different milestones. For the most part, Craig, Paula, and Sarah lagged behind us yesterday. A few times, Sarah was even able to pull them away to something she wanted to do, which left us alone.

  “This couch is insanely comfortable,” Marian remarks as she sinks farther down in the cushions.

  “The pullout is even better,” Neil replies. He’s been sleeping here, while Marian’s been crashing with me.

  I stretch my legs out on the ottoman and fall a little to the right so I’m touching Neil. And, yes, I’m totally doing this on purpose.

  Marian stands up with a few groans. “I’m going to go check in on Rob, make sure he hasn’t burned down the town yet. That dude should not be left to his own devices. Yeah, anyway, I’ll be a while. So …”

  She lets that hang in the air as she goes downstairs.

  Not going to lie, I’ve been waiting for this alone time with Neil.

  I’d been comfortable lounging near him, feeling his heat radiate on my skin. Neil shifts a bit so he can see me better.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I reply shyly.

  Neil looks down at the floor. There’s a beat of silence.

  “I’m really glad you’re here,” I state for probably the hundredth time. It means everything to me that he made the trip.

  “Like anything could’ve stopped me when you said you wished I was coming.”

  “Of course I wanted you here. I can’t believe you thought I wouldn’t.”

  Neil takes my hand. I like the sensation of being linked with him. I feel safe.

  “I’ve really missed you,” he says. “I can’t even imagine how you’re doing with your dad.”

  “It’s really hard.” My voice cracks slightly. The wall I’ve built with Paula with the “fines” and “okays” and just going along with everything has been shattered with the arrival of Marian and Neil. I don’t have to hide how heartbroken I am about everything. “I feel so helpless about it because there’s absolutely nothing I can do.”

  “It’s not permanent,” Neil reminds me. “This isn’t for forever.”

  “This isn’t for forever,” I echo. “But then I get in this vicious cycle of thinking of how I could’ve stopped it from happening if I didn’t apply to college.”

  “No, you can’t do that to yourself. Your dad wouldn’t have been okay with that. He wants a good future for you. None of this is your
fault.”

  “I’m not completely innocent in all of this.”

  “Nobody’s perfect, although you’re pretty damn close.” He gives my hand a squeeze.

  There’s a pause. I can talk to Neil about my dad anytime; that’s always going to be hovering over me. Now that he and I are finally alone and don’t have hundreds of miles between us, I finally do what I hadn’t had the courage to do before.

  “Do you want to know the truth?”

  He smiles at me, and the butterflies in my stomach are flying a million miles an hour. “Always.”

  “I wish I didn’t wait until I was leaving to do anything about us.”

  His eyebrows rise. “So there’s an us?”

  The old Ally would’ve been scared of her feelings. She liked her safe routines. She didn’t want to make things complicated or messy.

  Now, with everything so uncertain, it’s nice to think about a future that isn’t scary. A future that could be wonderful. A future with Neil.

  “Yes,” I say as I look him in the eyes so he knows I mean it. “Us.”

  We both move slowly toward each other. My skin tingles as he palms my face; our lips part and finally meet. This isn’t our first kiss, but it’s a new first. It’s the first of us.

  I sink into him as he continues to tenderly kiss me. My mind is only focused on one thing: Neil.

  And my brain is alight with contentment.

  Then Paula comes crashing in. “Are you going out for dinner?” her voice booms as she stomps up the stairs.

  Neil and I part. I move to the other side of the couch and try to catch my breath. Neil, who’s never been great about hiding his true feelings, looks both elated and busted.

  “I wasn’t sure—” Paula stops as she sees us: a teenage girl and boy alone in a room, both out of sorts. She knows exactly what’s going on. “Well, I just wanted to know if you want me to order something or take you somewhere. Just, ah, just let me know.” She goes to head back to the stairs, pauses before turning to us, opens her mouth to say something, but then changes her mind. “Um, I’ll be in the kitchen, and, yes, ah, let me know. About the food. Yes, dinner.”