by R. G. Angel
He’d forgive me in time. Even if he punished me though, it wouldn’t hurt. Not when compared to the pain of seeing Esmeralda choose an insignificant man and an insignificant life over me and all the treasures I could have given her.
Why did you think she would pick you? You’ve never been picked first, not even once in your life, Caleb Astor. You always were and always would be a second choice, a voice taunted in the back of my head. A voice that sounded just like my mother’s.
I looked through my father's address book on the computer. He had seven law firms on retainers, so it took me over an hour to find the appropriate lawyer, then another fifteen minutes to secure an appointment for later today.
I kept on looking through the files, frowning when I saw one titled ‘ED’ in the annual accounts.
Opening it, I found emails sent by Luke, Esmeralda’s adoptive father, thanking my father for his help with Esmeralda's future tuition. I snorted. The man was so delusional, but now I knew how William Forbes had managed to know about Esmeralda’s existence.
There were photos of her before her world had been turned upside down. Some were of her at school, wearing her football team's colors, cheering with a big smile on her face. She was looking at a jersey that read, ‘12 Deluca’.
My heart squeezed with envy and jealousy as I kept looking through the files. There were photos of her working as a lifeguard, shopping at the mall with a blonde girl, standing with Luke at a barbecue, and hanging out with Ben Deluca at school...always Ben Deluca.
I reached for my phone. Grinding my teeth, I dialed the number I had saved under ‘insignificant’.
“Do you love her?” I asked as soon as he’d answered the phone.
“Excuse me?”
I sighed, keeping my eyes on the photo where he was giving her a piggyback ride. “Esmeralda. Do you love her?”
“Sociopath? Is that you?”
I growled. His lack of respect was infuriating. He was a bug. He knew that I could easily destroy him, yet he stood up to me. It was good though; Esmeralda might need to lean on him in the future.
“Answer the question.”
“What’s not to love?” he replied. Whilst he didn't say the words, I knew exactly what he’d meant.
“You need to be strong for her. You need to remember that what Esmeralda wants and what is good for her might sometimes be two diametrically opposed concepts.”
“Why are you telling me all this?”
“Because I know what you did in Port Harbor.”
“Oh…”
I leaned back in the chair and closed my eyes.
“Did she tell you?”
“Does it matter who told me?”
He laughed. “Yes, it does. Because if she had, you wouldn’t be calling me conceding defeat.”
I opened my eyes, looking at the door. “I’m not conceding anything. She isn’t mine to keep.”
He sighed. “Listen, man. It’s no secret I care about her a lot. I kick myself every day for letting her go without telling her, but it’s done now and there is no turning back.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that I tried to kiss her in Port Harbor and she pushed me back. She never said it was for you, but–”
“It wasn’t for me.” I’d made up my mind; we were bad for each other. I was dimming her light and she was driving me to the borders of insanity.
“If you say so. But I promise, I’ll keep her safe.”
“Your statement lacks conviction.”
“Because she’s not coming back. I’d like her to. I really would, but she won’t.”
I shook my head. “Okay, whatever, just... Just be good to her.” I hung up before I could hear his irritating voice anymore.
I needed to go to school now, speak with Esmeralda and Archibald. We needed to decide on a plan of action before Esmeralda and I went to the lawyers. I knew Luke had contacted my father to help him pay for college. It was something that Archibald and I could easily do.
I was halfway down Mount Hill when I was stopped by a barricade of police cars.
I hit the horn with frustration. Fucking stupid kid had probably raced down the hill with his new sports car without any idea of how to control the horsepower. It happened all the time.
A policeman approached me.
“I need to go through,” I growled. We owned the police. There was no reason to pretend we didn’t.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Astor. I wish I could let you, but there’s a casualty on the scene. You have no other choice than to turn around.”
I followed his gesture with my eyes to the coroner’s truck and I froze. Between the police lines and truck, there was a flash of red. Even from this distance, I could not miss the license plate, the one I had customized to say, ‘Ang3l5’. Bile rose up my throat as cold sweat ran down my spine. It couldn’t be…
I opened my door, dodged the chubby cop, and ran to the accident scene, all the while ignoring the screaming man behind me.
My knees gave in. I hadn’t even realized they had until they met the unforgiving asphalt.
The car was wrapped around a tree. The lifeless body that had gone through the windshield was resting crookedly on what was left of the bonnet. Her long brown hair was caked with blood. Her lifeless mangled arms dangled, dropping blood on the pavement. This was the moment I felt it - my death. I’d thought it was a figure of speech, but it wasn’t. Esmeralda was dead and I was dying inside.
My heart stopped. My breathing stopped. Fuck, my life stopped as I realized, much too late, that I couldn’t do this without her.
My stomach heaved. I rested my hands on the ground as my vision turned blurry.
Fuck, I loved her! I loved her with every part of my broken heart, dark conscience, and tainted soul. I shook my head as tears spilled from my eyes, tears that I, for once, wasn’t trying to hide.
I shook my head. I wouldn’t survive her. I couldn't.
I didn't want to.
Her leaving me, I could have accepted, could have come to terms with as long as she was happy. My heart would have kept on going, beating inside her chest, beside her beautiful heart.
I heard her shout my name and this time, I let out a sob. I was losing my mind. Her voice was calling me over and over again and I didn’t want it to stop. I would much rather take this madness than lose her completely.
Suddenly, I felt hands on my cheeks. Hands that forced me to look up. Despite the blurriness of tears, I saw her.
“Esmeralda?” I tried.
“Yes,” she replied breathlessly. I blinked away my tears. She was kneeling in front of me, her eyes reflecting my sadness. “Caleb, it’s me.”
I turned toward her body lying on top of the car. “Am I dead too?” I smiled at the thought; at least I was with her now.
She shook her head, ran her thumb on my cheekbone. “No. I’m here, Caleb. I’m alive.”
“Please, God, don’t let it be a dream, don’t be that cruel,” I let out as a pained prayer with a voice I barely recognized.
I saw her heart break in her eyes as she turned toward the car, her face paling. “That is not me. I–”
I grabbed her face. “I don’t care.” I pulled her to me, giving her the kiss I should have given her before. The kiss that I hoped conveyed everything I felt for her.
“There is a time and place for this, and now is not it,” Archibald warned coldly, interrupting us before I could deepen the kiss.
I pulled Esmeralda into my arms, resting my face in the crook of her neck. She ran her hand in my hair soothingly.
“Take him home. I’ll deal with this,” he commanded Esmeralda.
I didn't like his tone, but I didn't seem to care right now. I was still having a hard time believing I was holding her. For the first time in my life, it was like my brain and heart couldn’t believe they were so lucky, that the warm soft girl I was holding, was really her.
Don’t leave me.
“I won't,” she replied when I expressed my tho
ughts aloud. “Come on. Let's go home.”
Chapter 16- Esme
It took us over fifteen minutes to get to Caleb’s bedroom. The house was not even five minutes away, but driving had been difficult because Caleb had refused to let go of my hand. He kept looking at me like I was a vision; my heart broke all over again.
I had been coming back early because my car had been stolen by some bitch at school – a bitch who was now dead. Despite the guilt I felt at having the death of a human on my conscience because it was my car that had caused this, I had to let it go for now. Caleb was unravelling and he was my priority. I couldn't afford to care about the dead student right now, not after seeing Caleb so broken when he'd thought it'd been me.
When I'd seen him on his knees sobbing, my heart had split in two. I'd realized that no matter how much he'd denied it, he loved me. In his way he loved me. And no matter how much I wanted to deny it, I loved him too. God help me, I loved him too.
He turned toward me as soon as I'd closed the door and ran his hands up and down my arms. “I’m not a sociopath.”
I frowned. That had come out of the blue. “I never said you were.”
He sighed, finally letting go of me. Some of his tension faded a little.
“Yes, you did. Just like everybody else.” He shrugged as he started to unbutton his shirt. “I might have sociopathic tendencies, or it might just be the consequences of the fucked-up childhood I had, but I do feel... Less often maybe, mostly negatively I admit, but when I feel, it is all powerful, all-consuming, and it swallows everything in its wake.”
“What are you feeling for me, Caleb Astor?” I asked, my voice carrying the tension I felt. His answer was paramount.
He froze. “Everything,” he whispered, as if admitting his feelings could cause him damage.
He turned his back to me and let his shirt fall to the floor, revealing his tattooed back. It was a Japanese bearded dragon, black and grey, its mouth spewing unforgiving blood-red fire. Its fangs pointed aggressively. Its eyes were pulled in a dark angry scowl. A quote was printed at the bottom of Caleb’s spine, held between the talons of the mythical beast: “Pain gave me motivation.”
It truly was as if this was his way to surrender some of his control to me.
I took a couple of steps closer, detailing the tattoo more closely. The more I looked, the more I noticed the slight unevenness of scars on his skin.
I gasped at the number of them. There were at least six. I then understood the purpose of the tattoo; he’d wanted them to disappear.
His head hung low, his shoulders hunched. “This is how the hopeful child was smothered out of me,” he confessed, keeping his back to me. “This is helping me realize the world we live in has no place for love, tenderness, nor trust. The darkness became me. There is no turning back.”
I took a final step closer. Caleb took a sharp intake of breath when I ran my trembling hands down his back, gently stroking it.
I rested my hands on his shoulder blades, letting the heat of his skin seep into my freezing hands.
“We all have scars. I don’t have all the words to say what I would like to, but–” I suddenly felt bold and gave his back a small kiss. “I am feeling what you feel every day and I don’t want you to sink deeper into this. We’re alone now, you and I…” I kissed his back once more, trying to kiss each scar. “Please let down your guard.”
I reluctantly let him go and took a couple of steps back. “Turn around,” I begged.
He turned slowly, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. But how could he be ashamed? I wondered. Exposing himself in such a raw manner was the bravest thing he could have ever done.
I looked at the lone tattoo on his chest, just over his heart. I trailed my fingers over it. It was a heart topped by a crown. The bottom of the heart twisted on top of an eternity symbol.
“Please look at me. Caleb, please, trust me.” I couldn’t help my voice from breaking as my eyes filled with tears over his pain.
He looked up, his face a turmoil of emotion, an exposed nerve. “No, don’t cry for me.” He raised his hand helplessly, reaching for me. “I asked once before if you would cry for me, but I’m not deserving of your tears.”
I shook my head. “You deserve my tears and more. You’re a good man, Caleb. Even if you don't want to admit it. Even if you don’t believe it. I’m sorry for keeping you at arm’s length. You didn’t deserve that.”
My heart accelerated as I reached for his belt, undoing it.
“Your scars, your pain... They don’t make you any less strong. You deserve to be revered and loved and cherished.”
I sank to my knees in front of him, grateful for the luxuriously plush carpet, and unbuttoned his pants.
“Esmeralda.” He looked down at me. Instead of the dominance that had been there the last time I’d been on my knees in front of him, there was awe. It was as if he couldn't believe this was happening.
“I thought you would never get on your knees for me,” he breathed, his voice thick with desire.
“And I thought you would never love me. We were both wrong. Now let me revere you, Caleb Astor,” I added, a reminder of his own usage of the word when he'd made love to me our first time.
I pulled his pants and briefs down just enough to free his penis, which was already at half-mast.
I wrapped my hand around it, squeezing gently. It was quite ironic that this strong, imposing, and powerful part of him was also so soft and warm.
I pumped him a couple of times, watching as it grew bigger and harder in my hand. I had no real clue what I was doing, but I’d heard girls talk about it at school. Like a popsicle, they had said.
I gave the tip a lick. Caleb hissed. “Do that again.”
I smiled and licked the tip once more, longer this time, before putting the tip in my mouth. I then swirled my tongue around it.
“You’re killing me Esmeralda,” Caleb growled. Thrusting his hips slightly, he threw his head back in surrender.
I let go and looked up, floored at how undone he’d become. I might have been the one on my knees, but I was in charge. Seeing him like this, in pure bliss… It pleased me, knowing I was the one unravelling him. I was enjoying our predicament much more than I’d thought I would.
I repeated the action again, this time taking him a bit deeper in my mouth. The animalistic sounds and unintelligible words coming from Caleb were enough to let me know I was doing something right.
I repeated the motion, taking him deeper still, working my jaw to accommodate more of him while wrapping my fingers around the base of his length.
He slid his hand through my hair. Gently cupping the back of my head, he locked me in place as he started to rock his hips slowly, going deeper with each thrust. I rested one hand on his hip to keep the balance as he increased the pace. I gladly relinquished the control, letting him chase his pleasure. Seeing this powerful man come undone with the ecstasy my mouth gave him, aroused me in a powerful way I had never expected.
“No,” he growled, pushing me off his penis. “I’m too close,” he added breathlessly.
I frowned. “Is that a bad thing?”
He yanked me up. “Today it is. Today I want to enjoy the moment, enjoy it like it might be the last.”
“I’m not leaving you Caleb. I’m–” I couldn't finish as his lips crashed on mine. His teeth nibbled on my bottom lip, demanding entrance to my mouth. Once granted, his tongue possessed me, tasting me as if I was his favorite dessert. The frenzy of the kiss had both of us moaning with pleasure.
He walked me back to his bed, never breaking the kiss. He laid me gently on the mattress before pulling away and detailing me, his eyes hooded with desire.
“I’m enjoying this Catholic schoolgirl look,” he grinned, trailing his hands under my skirt. His fingertips left a trail of fire on my skin. Hooking his fingers under my panties, he brought them down slowly.
“The skirt is going to stay,” he instructed, crawling over me while unbuttoning my shi
rt. He kissed my exposed skin between each button. When he reached my navel, he swirled his tongue around it before flicking down into its hollow. “Bra off,” he commanded before trailing kisses back up.
I arched my back and hurried to discard the bra before his mouth reached my breasts and already-erect nipples.
He smiled at the sight. “I missed you too, my friends. More than I can say.”
I chuckled at the passionate, one-sided discussion Caleb was having with my breasts. It helped me alleviate some of the tension about what was still to come.
He bent down, taking one nipple in his mouth as his hand trailed down to my most intimate place. Suddenly, all coherent thoughts escaped me.
All that mattered was his wicked mouth worshipping my breasts and his fingers between my thighs, brushing against my tender, needing flesh. He gently slid a finger inside of me and then another.
“You’re so wet for me, Esmeralda,” he breathed huskily, letting go of my nipple. He trailed his nose up the swell of my breast and across the column of my neck, until he reached my ear.
“Always.” And it was true. His eyes could light a fire in me like an inferno.
He nipped at my earlobe. “Good to know because I'm always hard for you.”
He settled between my legs, parting them wider to accommodate his tapered hips. He entered me slowly, letting my body adjust to his invasion. His eyes locked with mine, showing me all the feelings he couldn’t put into words.
Once he was in to the hilt, he stopped and kissed me sweetly. “You feel amazing. Nothing can compare to you.”
I squeezed him, making him hiss.
“So tight,” he growled, nibbling at my jaw. He thrust shallowly and slowly. It was a sweet, blissful torture that I wasn’t sure I could endure much longer.
I trailed my hand up his back. “Faster, harder,” I begged, arching my back.
“With pleasure.” He pulled out and entered me again in one powerful motion. He started to thrust harder, longer, deeper until the headboard was hitting the wall, until our moans of pleasure turned into animalist screams. His hand came between us. His thumb stroked my clit. I saw stars, experiencing an orgasm so powerful that I finally understood why some people called it la petite mort. The little death as Antoine taught me in his attempt to rail me with his hedonist nature. I felt like an exposed nerve, all my senses heightened.
