Dungeons & Gangsters

by Marco Frazetta

  “All I know is, the guy is basically Bruce Wayne if Bruce Wayne became a cold, mean, ruthless bastard instead of throwin’ on that Batman suit.”

  “Go on,” J-Maxx said.

  As I was about to speak again, Skreech snatched my .40 caliber Smith & Wesson and promptly began to break it down and oil it next to his big ass shotgun, which I hadn’t noticed he had already started to minister to. Good boy, Skreech, I mused. Already gettin’ things ready in case shit gets heavy. We might have to put in some real work on this one.

  “Even if he’s been sneaky with the package—which he has—he still has to use a transport company to ship it. You said all that the Dragon knows about it, or what he told you at least, was that it was a large package—we’re talking ISO container here.” I kept eye contact with J-Maxx. “And there’s a bunch of companies he can use. He can even use his own. What if we get a guy, any guy? Even your ugly human who pisses himself.” I smirked at Maurice real quick “And we put him in there, you know, a regular Joe who needs a job, and he—”

  “The dragon already has people in at Halus-Corp Trucking,” J-Maxx said, interrupting me, “and they’ve shaken loose no fruits. All they’ve turned up is routine shit, nothin’ out of the ordinary.”

  I considered this nugget of information, rubbing my pointy red chin. “Then he’s not usin’ his own house company to move it. That’s fine.” I was irritated that this was already getting overly complicated. “But the thing is, he’s movin’ this shit on the ground somehow. He ain’t having it shipped by plane, that’d be far too much a headache. And the questions, especially after what went down with the terrorists…” I started to pace. How the fuck am I supposed to find this thing?

  Maurice looked at me and smiled maliciously. The prick could tell I was struggling with how to solve this koboldian knot. I looked over and watched Skreech lovingly caress each little piece of metal, each little innocuous instrument that, when assembled together, formed a deadly whole. All those little mechanisms...The guts of the gun…

  “I got it,” I said suddenly. “Halus-Corp hires all sorts of contractors— private contractors, sub-contractors. Sentega can hide and obscure info as much as he wants, but those contractors still have to fill out that government paperwork.” I stopped pacing and snapped my fingers, making sure the orcs were still paying attention. “If we can get our hands on that paperwork, we can find out who was hired by Halus-Corp and what they were hired for, when and how long the commission is for, all that.”

  “How are we supposed to go about gettin’ those papers?” J-Maxx asked. “Uncle Sam ain’t gonna open his books up for us. That’s a boss who keeps his family tight as any.”

  “Let me work that out.”

  “So...You’re in, then? You’ll take the job?” J-Maxx questioned.

  “Yea, I’m in. I’ll take the fuckin’ job.”

  Chapter 4

  The next day, me and Skreech pulled up to this fuckin’ tiki bar at Venice Beach. Real tropical vibe. I know everyone says this, but I love Venice Beach: bunch of suckers walkin’ around in the sun, great view of the ocean, tons of babes, any flavor ya like. I had set up a meet with an old pal of mine, cat by the name of Elmer Higgins, though friends call ‘em Ray—we went to Magic College back in the day together. He’s alright as far as humans go. A big Irish guy you sort of feel sorry for ‘cause he tries so desperately to look young. Fucker still wears logo T-shirts and spikes his hair even though his hairline is running away from his freckly face. More importantly, my old buddy Ray turned out to be a flag-salutin’, pen-pushin’ G-Man. I told Skreech to hit the bar, keep an eye out, then made my way over to Ray, taking my shades off and comin’ up on him from behind. He couldn’t see me from the way he was sittin’ at the table, so I decided to fuck with the guy a bit; he gets a kick outta me bein’ half a wiseguy anyway. I snuck up right behind him, flashed a toothy smile at the busty waitress so she wouldn’t interrupt—her tits looked fuckin’ great, they looked like they were fixin’ to bust out of that little bikini top she was wearin’--then, imitating a gun with my hand, I pressed the “barrel” against the back of Ray’s prematurely balding dome.

  “Freeze, motherfucker,” I growled menacingly into Ray’s ear. The poor guy sat so still and didn’t say anything for a moment, not even taking his hand off of the water he had been sipping on the moment before.

  “Uh...what the…?” Ray started to ask.

  “Drop your pants and grab your ankles! Or I tell the RA you’re the one who’s been eating the burritos from their freezer when you’re hammered.” I nearly burst. I started laughing—I couldn’t help it at this point. Ray snapped his head around, eyes wide and practically popping out of his head, then quickly stood up and broke into a huge smile when he saw me.

  “You’re a real fuckin’ jerk, you know that? I nearly pissed myself!” Ray was laughing too.

  “I’ve heard this before, mostly from humans. I take it as a compliment.” Us hobgoblins had a way of speaking, a kind of rattle in our voice that freaked people out, especially if they had their guard down. I shook hands with him. We both sat down and I motioned for the waitress with the big tits that I had smiled at to come over.

  “How could you let my dear friend Elmer sit here, without a fine, alcoholic beverage, miss…” I took a quick glance at her name tag. “Miss Jenna? Don’t you know beauty is nothing without hospitality?” The girl, a human, but with a pretty face and great rack, became a bit shy, her cheeks turning a deep red color.

  “I’m so sorry, sir,” she said. “I was about to ask the gentleman for his order when you had come in and..and then you came up behind him and…”

  “Relax sweetheart.” Ray smiled at her. “He’s just giving you a hard time. I’ll have a scotch on the rocks, and for my grim friend here…”

  “Bring me a mojito, extra mint and cucumber.”

  The waitress quickly wrote the drink order down and took off.

  “So, Teek,” Ray began, smiling at me. “How the hell are ya? What can I do ya for?” He was in a good and buoyant mood, which struck me as odd since he was usually kinda fuckin’ melancholy. But I quickly deduced, as his eyes roved around excitedly, that it was ‘cause of the waitresses, all of which were very curvy and very scantily clad in their tiny bikini outfits. Whoever made this the mandatory attire for these broads is really on to somethin’. I looked over Ray’s shoulder and saw a real voluptuous girl—hourglass figure didn't say the half of it—with short, wavy, orange hair. She had to have been a orc hybrid. She was thick as fuck—pretty, in an exotic orc slut way—but what stood out most of all about her was her breasts. They were huge, the size of melons...and there were three of them. She saw my eyes widen—something that must have become very routine for her when she’s been encountered for the first time by a member of the opposite sex. She gave me a wink and a smile as she walked by, tapping my shoulder quickly. My dick started gettin’ hot, started to stiffen as my eyes followed that sexy-ass orc bitch.

  “Damn, Teek!” Ray said, sounding impressed. “How the fuck do you do it? Ever since college, I swear you’re the worst wingman. All the girls are drawn to the noble, hard ass hobgoblin and my ass is lucky to catch your sloppy seconds.”

  “Wait...What did you just say?” I looked at Ray, appalled.

  I saw the first waitress was comin’ back over with the drinks, so I waited until after she had set the booze down before tellin’ Ray what was up.

  “Can I get you anything else?” the waitress asked sweetly.

  “I’ll have the pork sliders,” Ray answered thoughtfully, but I just flicked my hand in a ‘be-off-with-you’ gesture. Ray and I sat there for a couple awkward, silent moments after the waitress walked off to put his order of sliders in.

  “What was with this sloppy seconds thing?”

  “Ah, nothing, forget about it.”

  “No, really I wanna know.”

  “Ahhh, well alright then screw it. Quinsell.”

  “Quinsell, the ice magic girl?
With the five sisters?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You were into her?”

  “Into her? We dated for two weeks.”

  “Didn’t know.”

  “Well, I don't know, it just felt weird dating her after you did. Looking back, I shouldn't have let it bother me.”

  “Dated? We had a fling, that’s all.”

  “Right.”

  “Hey, how does the expression go? Brothers before whores.”

  I held my red fist out to him, and got him to crack a smile. He returned the gesture, chuckling. “Yeah, close enough.”

  “All bullshit aside, I wish you had told me. I’d have talked some sense into you, and maybe you would've ended up marrying her instead of you know, that one.”

  Ray shook his head and sighed. “What’s meant to be is meant to be.”

  “If you says so.”

  “Listen, Teek. I just wanna say, I was real sorry to hear about your old man.” Ray cleared his throat. “He was a stand-up guy, always. Remember that one time he snuck us into the Superbowl?”

  “Yea, those were the good days. Damn those 49ers.” I smiled bitterly.

  “What happened with him anyway? Was it that cough he always had?”

  “I don’t wanna talk about it,” I mumbled. “You pick up the pieces and you keep it movin’.” I looked at Ray, annoyed that he brought up something I wasn’t really tryin’ to talk about, but I realized he was just tryin’ to be my friend. He nodded, deciding a verbal reply wasn’t necessary.

  “Listen Ray, to keep it one hundred with ya, I didn’t just ask you to meet up for a friendly meal.” I paused, remembering to keep my voice low. “I need a favor.”

  “Ah, shit, I shoulda figured. My old buddy Teek, the big, bad mobster needs me to help ‘em out of a jam somehow.” Ray sounded somewhat bitter. I looked him in the eyes and felt my own becoming a bright crimson. My long schnozz almost touched his tiny Irish one, I was so up in his face.

  “What the fuck did you just say? The big bad what?”

  “Hey I was just messin around…” He leaned back, eyes flitting away from mine.

  “You outta your mind?”

  “Come on, it’s me.” He gestured innocently.

  I let out a hot breath. “Tell me Ray, how long you been workin’ for the government?” I was changing tactics. “You been over at the I.R.S. for what, seven, eight years now?” Ray gave me a confused look.

  “It’s actually been seven and a half years, can you believe that? Time really flies.” Ray started becoming animated again—people always love telling you about their boring-ass job. “You know, Teek, if it wasn’t for you tellin’ me to take the government exam after Magic College gave me the boot, I don’t know where I’d be now.”

  “Yea, well, you partied and chased ass too much.” I took a healthy gulp of my drink. “And that would have been alright if you could have at least been capable of a little magic. The only magic you could pull off was to recover from a crazy night, bounce back like it was nothin.’”

  “Which is magic in and of itself,” Ray interjected. “Seriously though, I learned it from a leprechaun. No fucking joke.”

  “Sure, man. I know you told me the story a dozen times. But did you ever have any luck gettin’ admissions to see it your way?”

  The waitress brought over Ray’s sliders, gently placing them in front of him and shooting me a questioning glance, almost asking me, ‘You sure? You sure you don’t want any of this?’ I gave her a small nod. Yea, I’m sure. I don’t want any fuckin’ sliders.

  “I know I fucked up. But hey, I was never going to be freaking Gandalf the Grey. Let’s not kid ourselves. But you? You weren’t half bad, man. I remember you got an A on that Intro Conjuring class. Why’d you drop out anyway?”

  “Shit happens.” My hand waved the question away. “So listen—about what I mentioned earlier..”

  “Oh right, right.” Ray’s cheeks looked like a chipmunk as he chewed. “So, what’s the favor?”

  I leaned in real close to him, voice low, ‘cause this was the kind of conversation we we're about to have. An inside thing. “I need you to peep into Hal-Corp’s tax records and which contractors they’ve recently hired.”

  I laid it all out for him. Why sugar coat it? Ray looked at me with this dumb fuckin’ look he always gave when he was perplexed, then looked long and hard at the slider he had picked up. He looked up at me as if to say something, then looked back at the slider and took a large bite. He chewed the shit out of it, prolonging his reply as much as possible.

  “Did you hear what I said?” I was starting to become irritated that he was just sitting there, taking his good old time, chewing and looking at me like a dog that was attempting to understand its master. He simply nodded, almost imperceptibly, and took another bite of the slider. Taking this silence as acceptance and even acquiescence, I went on.

  “It’s like this—you get me that paperwork, and I can take care of what I gotta take care of.”

  “No,” Ray said suddenly, still chewing his slider. “I can’t.”

  “What? Excuse me? Tell me what the fuck you’re saying.” I twirled my index finger in a come-on-hurry-the-fuck-up motion.

  “No. I can’t, Teek,” Ray said. Guy’s face drooped so much I thought he was a bloodhound.

  “The fuck do you mean, ‘can’t’?”

  “I can’t do it Teek! That’s a fuckin’ major federal offense, and if I got caught, if it somehow got back to me, I could lose my job, do time!”

  “Oh yea, Ray? It’s a fuckin’ major federal offense, is it? And what the fuck was murkin’ the orc that was blowin’ out your wife’s ass and disappearin’ him? I put a hole in that piece of shit’s head the size of a grapefruit. What’s that, a fuckin’ misdemeanor?” I was gettin’ really aggravated.

  “Wow, alright Teek,” Ray said, sadder still. “You really had to take it there?”

  “I took a life for you, did you a real big ass favor, and you’re gonna sit there, act all fuckin’ buddy-buddy with me one minute, then tell me the next you can’t grab some fuckin’ papers for me?” If we weren’t in a public place, I swear I would have snatched Ray up by his collar and brought him face-to-face with me. I watched him squirm for a few moments; I could tell he was genuinely upset. Ever since back in the day at college he really went to some lengths to avoid disappointing me or doing some dumb human shit that would irk me.

  Ray looked up at me and met my eyes for a second before rubbing his dirty hand across his face.

  “Alright man, I’ll help you out. But let’s say we’re square after this.”

  “Fine, whatever. Splattered brains for some papers. We should weigh ‘em. See if they’re equal.”

  He let out a hot breath. “And just so you know, I’m hopin’ to work things out with Mindy.” He made a wave motion with his hand. “Move past it all. We're soulmates. I know it.” Maglubiyet’s Everbloody Ax... Some fuckers cling to a woman like a baby Koala.

  “Let’s talk outside. This is not stuff people should be overhearing, even at a whisper.” I quickly looked down and saw the meager tip Ray had left for the big titty human waitress. “Cheap bastard.”

  “That’s a perfectly good tip.” Ray shrugged.

  I only shook my head, reached into my own pocket and put two twenties on top of Ray’s offering. “My father told me when I was young to live generously and life will do you a good turn.” As I was straightening myself out, I felt someone bump into me, hard.

  “‘Scuse me, handsome,” a sultry, playful voice purred in my ear. As I turned towards the owner of the voice, I breathed in her perfume...or maybe it was just her natural scent. Either way, I was intoxicated, enchanted by the heady aroma. I started to harden again. This incredible smell emanating from this individual was definitely awakening my senses. I felt a quick tug at one of my pockets.

  “What the…” I began, startled, turning completely to face my sweet-smelling assailant. Oh, shit. It’s her. My mouth dropped as I sa
w the sexy, triple-breasted orc girl standing before me, smiling.

  “Haven’t seen you around here before, papi,” she murmured. Oh, fuck...She’s good! I roared internally. I struggled to maintain eye contact with her, my eyes fighting to gaze down at her heaving tits—most especially that big, beautiful third tit, nestled sweetly between the other two, seeming for all the world as if it naturally belonged there.

  “You gonna hang out for a bit, have another drink?” she continued, amused by the effects she was clearly having on me.

  “No, I gotta head out,” I said, a little too quickly.

  “Oh.” The orc girl looked me in my eyes, frowning for a moment. “Well in that case, give me a call if you’re still around tonight. Maybe we can link up.” She made a quick phone gesture with her hand. I gave her a questioning look, at which point she patted on her thick, shapely thigh then pointed at the pocket of my pants that she had intruded on a moment before. I rammed my hand into the pocket and extracted a business card for the tiki bar. I looked at it, somewhat confused, then looked up at her again.

  “Turn it over, silly.” Her three massive juggs bounced up and down with her giggles. I turned it over and saw the name Grexy, with a little heart to the right, and a phone number beneath. I looked back up at her with a small grin on my face, leaning my face back a little, my jaw flexing rhythmically—you know what I’m talkin’ about.

  “You better call me,” she said somewhat aggressively, smiling back at me. Then she went on a little sweeter, almost as though she was thinking out loud. “Ya know, I never been with a hobgoblin before.” I noticed that her tusks were very small, and didn’t protrude from her mouth in the obnoxious way that male orcs tusks did. Apparently most orc girls naturally have smaller tusks, but they also file them down from time to time.

  She then promptly turned away from me and walked back towards the bar. I looked over and saw Skreech was completely enamored with the big orc girl and her body, his eyes catching every shake that her three tits and her firm round ass made as she moved. I’m not even gonna lie; I was creepin’ real hard on that thicc bitch too.