Not Until This Moment: Novella (Hope Springs Book 2)

by Valerie M. Bodden

  But he leaned forward, his warm gaze inviting her to continue.

  “Anyway, if things keep up like this, I think I’m going to have to hire some help. At least for the summer.”

  “That’s great. I’m proud of you.”

  She ducked her head and concentrated on cutting through a noodle. “Thanks.”

  She’d met Jared only days before she was scheduled to open her bakery in the cute little building that had drawn her to Hope Springs. He’d encouraged her when the idea of getting a single customer had been daunting. His support was a large part of what had given her the courage to keep going after her first wedding was a disaster, ending with the top of the cake on the floor.

  “I wonder if—” But Jared broke off as the rest of their friends surrounded them. Was she only imagining the flash of disappointment in his eyes?

  “Couldn’t wait for us?” Ethan gave Jared’s shoulder a light bump. Everyone’s cheeks were pink, and they’d brought the fresh scent of the cold in with them.

  “You know Peyton’s stomach.” Jared gave her a private smile that made her insides swoop the way they had when she and Jared first started dating.

  Hopefully no one else noticed the blush she felt rising to her cheeks.

  “You will not believe what happened to me out there.” Leah plopped into the seat next to Peyton.

  As she turned her attention to her friend, Peyton couldn’t help sneaking a glance at Jared.

  And if she wasn’t mistaken, he was watching her, too.

  Chapter 14

  Jared couldn’t stop smiling as he watched the staircase. He’d promised to sit with Peyton again today while the others skied, and he couldn’t wait for her to get down here.

  He’d insisted on being the one to stay with her yesterday only because he didn’t trust Sawyer to stay away unless he knew Jared was with her. But as the day had gone on, he’d almost forgotten about Sawyer. He’d been so caught up in just being with Peyton again.

  All those little things he’d fallen in love with—the things he’d spent the past year trying to forget—were still there. The way she tilted her head to the side when she laughed. The way she lifted a self-conscious hand to her hair whenever someone gazed at her for more than a few seconds. The way she could steal his breath with just a look.

  And there were new things to fall in love with, too. Like the way she looked at him with complete trust even now that she knew the truth of his past. The way she smiled whenever he said her name. The way she’d rested her hands in his and let him pray for them.

  By the time he’d said goodnight to her last night, he’d known he was a goner. He could tell himself he’d get over her someday. But it wasn’t true. And he didn’t really want it to be.

  Because since yesterday, he’d been rethinking what he wanted for the future. And no matter what he did, he couldn’t see that future without Peyton. But he didn’t know how that could happen—if it could. Because the thought of marriage still terrified him. But if that was the only way he could be with her . . .

  He forced his thoughts to a stop. For now, he’d just enjoy this day with her.

  At last, he spotted her at the top of the steps with Leah and Emma. She wore a soft white sweater that made her hair and eyes look lighter than ever. Jared noted with satisfaction that she was limping less, though it meant he’d have fewer excuses to wrap his arm around her.

  Her smile as she crossed the room toward him could have melted all the snow on the hills. If he had to guess, his probably matched.

  “You sure you want to stay inside?” Leah got to him before Peyton did. “There’s some pretty nice powder out there. I don’t mind sitting with her.”

  “I’m staying.” Jared practically growled at his friend, but she shot him a warning look.

  “Jared, it’s not—”

  He held up a hand. “Don’t say it’s not fair.”

  “Well, it’s not,” Leah muttered as Peyton and Emma reached them.

  “Good morning.” His eyes locked on Peyton’s, and he took a step closer.

  “Morning.”

  But Leah stepped between them, turning to Peyton. “I was just telling Jared I’d sit with you so he could get some time on the slopes since it’s our last day here.”

  “Oh, of course. You should ski.” Her lips were still lifted in a smile, but it didn’t mask the disappointment in her eyes.

  If he hadn’t already been decided, he was now. “I’m not skiing.”

  The light that returned to Peyton’s eyes made the small sacrifice worth it.

  “Fine.” Leah huffed. “We’ll be back at lunchtime. Maybe this time you two could wait for us before enjoying your romantic meal.”

  “We—”

  But Peyton laid a gentle hand on his arm as Leah marched for the doors, Emma following with a helpless shrug. “She’s just trying to protect me. Just like you are.”

  Jared nodded. He just wished he wasn’t the one Leah was trying to protect Peyton from.

  Not that he blamed her. He’d already broken her best friend’s heart once. If he wasn’t careful, he might do it again.

  But he would be careful this time.

  Starting with being sure of his own feelings before he talked to her about them.

  Chapter 15

  “Hey.” The soft whisper was followed by the gentle press of lips to her hair, and Peyton snuggled closer.

  She wasn’t sure where she was, but she knew she was safe and warm, and that was enough. She never wanted to leave this spot.

  “Hey.” The whisper was more insistent this time, and a hand squeezed her shoulder.

  “Mmm?”

  “We should get you up to bed. You fell asleep.”

  She opened her eyes, letting them adjust to the low lights, the dark lobby fireplace. An arm was wrapped protectively around her, and her face was pressed into something solid yet comfortable. She jerked upright as she realized it was Jared’s shoulder.

  “Sorry, I—”

  But he smiled at her. “You were in the middle of telling me about the wedding with the flamingos, and you fell asleep.”

  “I did?” She rubbed at her eyes, trying to work out the tangles in her thoughts. “Sorry if I was boring you with my stories.”

  “You never bore me.” He brushed a piece of hair off her cheek. The move was gentle and familiar, and she couldn’t help leaning into his hand.

  “Jared?”

  “Yeah?”

  She meant to tell him she was sorry she’d crossed the line and fallen asleep on his shoulder, but instead, she leaned closer and pressed her lips to his.

  He stiffened and inhaled sharply, but then his arms came around her, and his lips responded softly, gently. This was not at all the hungry kiss Sawyer had tried to force on her. Jared’s kiss made her feel cherished and protected.

  Loved.

  Slowly, she pulled back.

  The past two days with Jared had been nothing short of perfect. But it was late, and tomorrow they’d go back to their lives in Hope Springs. And she’d have to face the fact that as much as she wanted a future with him, that didn’t seem to be God’s plan. Or Jared’s.

  “I’m sorry.” The whisper barely made it past her lips. “I shouldn’t have—”

  A gentle finger tipped her chin up until she was gazing into Jared’s eyes. What she saw there made everything in her warm.

  “It’s okay.” One side of Jared’s mouth lifted, but his eyes remained totally serious. “Peyton, I’ve tried to move on. Tried to pretend I don’t still feel something for you. But the truth is—” He slid his hands into hers. “I still love you.”

  He didn’t move after he said it. Just waited, watching her. She wondered vaguely if he was even breathing, he was so still.

  Then again, she wasn’t absolutely sure she was breathing, either.

  “I love you, too.” She closed her eyes. These next words were going to be the hardest she’d ever had to say in her life. “But we want different things for
the future. And I don’t think—”

  “No, wait, Peyton.” He slid closer, gripping both of her hands in his and bringing them to his lips. The kiss he pressed to them was so tender it made her heart squeeze. “I’ve been thinking about that. And I can’t lose you again. I won’t. And if that means I need to marry you, then—” He blew out a quick breath, it’s warmth tickling her fingers. “Maybe I could consider marriage. Someday.”

  Her eyes filled. If he’d said those words to her a year ago, she would have been in a dress shop by morning. But she wasn’t going to try to force her future anymore.

  “I can’t do this again, Jared.” The whisper scraped against her vocal cords. “I tried so hard for so long to make God give me a future with you. But I’m giving over the reins to him now.”

  Jared’s shoulders sagged, and he directed his gaze to the empty fireplace. “Is this because—” He drew a labored breath. “Is this because of what I told you the other day?”

  “No.” She grabbed his arm and waited for him to look at her. “It has nothing to do with that. I’m so grateful you told me. And if anything, it makes me love you more. To know what you grew up with and to see the man you became in spite of it. But I don’t want you to marry me just because you think it’s the only way to hold onto me. If I do get married, I want it to be to someone who wants to build a life with me. Who’s committed to forever together.”

  “I do want—” He lifted her hands to his heart, but she gently pulled them back.

  “I’m sorry, Jared.”

  He looked away and swallowed hard. When he turned back, his red eyes almost made her take back everything she’d said.

  But she had to give this over to God.

  Had to trust that he had the best plan for her future.

  Jared nodded slowly, pressing his lips together. Then he stood. “Let’s get you up to bed.”

  She pushed to her feet. Her body felt heavier than it had ever been as she followed him.

  Upstairs, he stepped into his room without another word. She watched his door close, then leaned on her own and let the silent tears come.

  She knew trusting God with her future was the right thing to do.

  So why did it feel like she was cutting out her own heart all over again?

  Chapter 16

  Jared rattled the doors of Hope Church one more time, as if expecting them to magically unlock for him. He didn’t know why he’d thought the doors would be open on a Saturday afternoon, anyway. He only knew that he needed to talk to someone, and Dan had offered, but he didn’t know how else to get ahold of him.

  The drive home from Tamarack Wednesday morning had been torture. Every time he looked into the rearview mirror, he’d caught a glimpse of Peyton’s puffy eyes and raw cheeks.

  He didn’t imagine he looked much better after a sleepless night spent trying to figure out how he’d ever let her go in the first place.

  He’d thought being home in Hope Springs would soothe the piercing pain that jolted through him with every heartbeat. But he’d been wrong.

  Instead, his thoughts had locked on her.

  Peyton had said she needed a man who wanted to build a future with her. Who was committed to her forever. Didn’t that describe him exactly?

  Except for one thing. He couldn’t promise her marriage. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

  Still, the thought of marrying her had hovered in his thoughts over the past few days like a tantalizing mirage. One he didn’t dare approach. He’d spent all of his life so sure that he was never intended for marriage. That the only way to make sure he didn’t turn into his father was to remain alone.

  Finally, last night he had dropped to his knees next to his bed. He’d prayed for God to make him content with letting go of Peyton so she could have the future she deserved.

  Instead, the longer he prayed, the more at peace he’d felt with the thought of marrying her.

  But how did he know that wasn’t only his own selfish desire instead of what was best for Peyton?

  Because as much as he would give everything to be with her, he wanted even more for her to have the future she prayed for—the future God had planned for her.

  He’d been hoping Dan could shed some light on the whole knotted mess, but apparently he was going to have to figure this out on his own and pray he didn’t do anything to hurt Peyton’s chances for happiness.

  He was about to get into his car when someone called his name.

  He swiveled in search of the voice.

  “Over here.”

  Jared looked over his shoulder and spotted Dan in the snowy yard of the big brick house next to the church. Dan lifted a hand and jogged over.

  “I got a call from Mrs. Reinhold on the other side of the church. She was all worked up that someone was trying to break into the building.” He laughed and clapped Jared on the shoulder. “I assume that was you?”

  Jared joined in the laughter. Much as he hadn’t wanted to like Dan, he had to admit the guy was easy to get along with.

  “Guilty as charged.”

  “That’s a relief. So what were you after?”

  Jared focused on the asphalt parking lot, stained gray from the layers of salt that had been spread on it during the last snowstorm. “I was looking for you, actually.”

  If Dan was surprised, he hid it well. “Great. You found me. What’s up?”

  Jared kicked at an ice chunk that had been left behind by the snowplow. “I was wondering if your offer to talk was still good.”

  “Of course. Come on in.”

  Jared followed Dan as he led the way across the lawn and into the front door of the old house.

  “Don’t mind the boxes. Still getting unpacked.” Dan wove through the maze of boxes to a worn couch at the far side of the living room. “Have a seat. I’d offer you something to drink, but all I have is water, and I haven’t found the glasses yet.”

  “That’s okay.” Jared sat, his leg bouncing against the couch cushion. Now that he was here, he had no idea how to ask the question that had been eating at him all night. So he blurted it out. “How do I know God’s plan?”

  If Dan found the question abrupt, he didn’t let on. “His plan for what?”

  “Me, I guess.” Jared raised his hands helplessly. He didn’t know what he was looking for exactly, so how could he expect Dan to provide it? “I mean, that pastor at Tamarack said God has a plan for each of us, right? But how do we know what that plan is?”

  Dan studied him, but Jared didn’t feel uncomfortable under the younger man’s scrutiny. “Remember the verse the pastor quoted? Jeremiah 29:11? It says that God has plans to prosper us and not to harm us.” He lifted his hands in front of him. “That’s it. That’s God’s plan for us.”

  “But—” Jared spluttered. “That’s not a plan. I need something more specific. More detailed. Like a sign, I guess. Or something. Anything.” Desperation made his voice go up, but he didn’t care. There had to be more.

  Dan gave a gentle laugh, but Jared could tell it wasn’t at his expense. “You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted that, too. But the thing is, God’s plan is for us to honor and serve him. And there are a lot of ways we can do that―many of them not necessarily better or worse than others.” He twirled his thumbs around each other, not looking at Jared. “Do you mind if I ask you something?”

  Jared grimaced and braced for Dan’s interrogation. For his reprimand that if Jared only prayed harder or went to church more or was a better Christian, he’d know God’s will without having to ask such stupid questions.

  “Is this about Peyton?” Dan met his eyes as he asked.

  Jared startled. How had Dan known?

  But he nodded. There was no point in denying it.

  “I don’t know your story, aside from what Leah told me,” Dan said.

  “She—”

  Dan held up a hand. “All she said was that you two used to date but that you wouldn’t marry her, so you broke up.”

  Dan’s eyes drilled
into his, but there wasn’t any judgment there, and Jared’s chest loosened.

  “And now you’re wondering if you made the right decision.”

  Well, the guy was good. Jared had to give him that much. “Okay, pastor or mind reader?”

  “Definitely pastor. Doesn’t take a mind reader to see how you feel about her.”

  Jared nodded slowly. “But is how I feel about her enough? How do I know God’s plan for us? How do I know I’m even fit to be a husband?”

  Dan was silent for a moment, seeming to weigh his response, and Jared’s heart sank. He’d known it was too much to expect that it would be God’s will for him to marry Peyton.

  “God’s plan is for you to honor and serve him, whether you marry or not,” Dan finally said. “And if you do marry, his plan is for you to honor and serve your wife. To build her up in her faith. To be there for her, to protect her, to love her through everything. So I guess the real question is, do you love her?”

  “You just said you know I do.”

  “I know, but I want to hear from you how you feel about her.”

  “I feel—” Jared cleared his throat. How did he put the depth of his feelings for Peyton into words? “She’s the best part of me. She makes me want to be this fantastic man she seems to think I am. This past year, I’ve felt like I was missing a part of me. Not an arm or a leg, but something inside me that I can’t name. Something vital. Something I can’t live without.”

  Dan’s eyes gleamed as he stared at him. “I think you just answered your own question.”

  “I did?”

  But he knew it, too.

  And he knew what he had to do.

  Chapter 17

  Peyton hummed as she placed the fondant hearts on the cake she’d just finished stacking. It was one of the most breathtaking cakes she’d ever made, if she did say so herself.

  “Aren’t you cheerful.” Leah snatched an extra fondant heart and took a big bite. “Oh . . . This is so good. What’s in it?”

  “Vanilla bean paste.” Peyton grabbed one of the extra hearts and sneaked her own nibble. The creamy vanilla rolled over her tongue.