“That’s not—” She crossed her arms over her chest, daring me to continue. “Okay, you’re right, I had no idea whose house I woke up in a few minutes ago.”
“This I know. Now take the Advil and finish the water before you head back to bed.”
“I can just head home to sleep it off.”
Her eyes traveled down my body and back up again. “You are still in no condition to drive. Go sleep in the bedroom. We can talk when you wake up again.”
For the briefest moment I thought about arguing with her, then I remembered how I always lost when that happened. So, instead of invoking her wrath, I opened the bottle of Advil, dropping two in my hand before washing them down with some of the water. I pushed the water away and Lexi pushed it back to me.
“Finish it. You’ll never shake the hangover if you don’t.”
I wanted to roll my eyes, but I knew it would only hurt my brain. I tipped back the rest of the glass and prayed it would stay down when I was done. When I set the glass down on the table, she pointed toward the door.
“Go, get some rest. We’ll talk later, when you wake up.”
With my eyelids growing heavier, I found the strength and determination to fight with her slipping away. I pushed up from the chair.
“I’ll be out here if you need anything.” Lexi called out to me when I reached the doorway to the kitchen.
Drained, I walked back down the hall to the room I left. My curiosity to know more about the Lexi and what happened were quashed by a rumbling in my gut.
Against my better judgment, not that I should trust my judgment lately, I wandered back into the room and kicked off my shoes and dumped my jeans and shirt on the floor. The bed looked very inviting. I pulled back the covers and climbed inside, letting the soft sheets surround me. The pillow was cool to the touch as I let my eyes flutter shut, willing my body to sleep.
A while later I woke again. The sun had moved higher in the sky, making the light much less blinding. Or that could’ve been the lack of pounding in my skull. It took me a few moments to remember where I was and how I ended up there.
Lexi had brought me home.
I shifted into a sitting position, running through that morning’s conversation in my head. I may not have remembered the night before, but I couldn’t forget the way Lexi’s eyes had shimmered in the light when she mentioned that I hadn’t wanted to go home.
Something I had said had pushed her over the edge. I thought back through the night, but the only thing that came through with clarity was what sent me to the bar in the first place.
Dreams about Christine.
That and Chloe spending the weekend with her grandparents had been too much. I took hold of the sheet and lifted it to throw my legs over the side of the bed. I froze when I realized I hadn’t dreamed about Christine the night before. Not a single dream. Either the alcohol did its job or my brain was finally done trying to find ways to torture me at every turn.
I pushed the sheets to the side and moved my feet to the floor. My clothes were still strewn all over the floor where I’d left them earlier. I reached for my pants first, Lexi’s words floating through my mind.
I was hoping we could talk, but you’re in no condition for the conversation I want to have.
What could she possibly want to talk about with me?
She’d taken me home and got me into bed when I was in no condition to be anywhere in public. Most of the gossip blogs had disappeared when they realized there wouldn’t be a story, but a few tenacious ones appeared every so often to try and get a shot. Last night would have been the perfect opportunity for them. Lexi made sure that didn’t happen. The least I could do was sit down and listen to what she wanted to say.
I tugged on my shirt and shoes and went in search of Lexi. Where I found her hadn’t surprised me in the least. Curled up on the couch reading a book.
“Hey.” I ran my hands through my hair, suddenly nervous. About what, I didn’t know.
She glanced up from her page. “Hey. You’re looking a little less green after some sleep.” She picked the bookmark up off the couch and closed it inside the book.
“I’m feeling a lot better than I did earlier this morning.”
“Are you hungry? I can make you something.”
I shook my head. “I wouldn’t say I’m feeling that much better, but thank you. I don’t really deserve it if I’m going to get that shit-faced drunk.”
She patted the couch next to her. “I think there was a reason for that.”
I sat down. “Is that what you want to talk about?”
“Kind of. I think there’s more problems than just your dreams at night.”
I looked away. I figured I’d told her something in the car. I hadn’t realized I told her more about the dreams/nightmares.
“It’s fine. I’ll get out of your hair now.” I moved to stand when her hand landed on my arm.
“Don’t do that.”
My back straight as a rod, I sat there keeping my head forward. “Don’t head home?”
The grip on my arm tightened, keeping me in place. I felt the couch move next to me. Lexi moved into my line of sight and bent down until we were eye level.
“Don’t pretend like you’re fine. You’re not fine and you really need to stop running.”
“I’m not running from anything. Look, I need to go get Chloe—”
She covered my lips with her fingers. “I know her grandparents have her all weekend, which means we have plenty of time to talk, so that’s what we’re going to do, even if it takes all night. As your friend I can’t let you keep going on like this.”
She stopped and kept watching me. I didn’t want to talk about any of it. It was only going to make it worse, but at the same time, I knew Lexi and she wouldn’t let it go until I said everything on my mind. I hadn’t spoken to anyone except Jackson and my dad. They only knew a quarter of what my life had become.
Was I really ready for this?
11
Lexi
I watched and waited. I knew Aiden warred with himself over how much he wanted to tell me. Hopefully he remembered how patient and stubborn I was. Even if he didn’t realize it, he needed this. Until he laid it all on the table, he’d always be stuck in that moment.
He didn’t deserve that.
His head dropped. “Why make me do this?” His voice barely above a whisper.
I placed my hands on either side of his face and lifted it. “Because you need it. It may not seem like it right now, but you’re stuck and the only way to dig yourself out is to talk about it. Unbury yourself from all the memories trying to press down on you.”
His gaze landed on something over my shoulder. “Talking will only make it worse.”
“How do you know? Have you tried talking to anyone?”
“Jackson’s tried a few times.”
I scoffed. “Let me guess. You told him that things were fine or you gave him a hard time for trying to help you.”
He swallowed hard. “I don’t need—”
I held my hand up to him. “Nope. Try again. You don’t get to say you don’t need help when you drink enough the night before to black out with no memory of what happened.”
He didn’t say a word, so I kept pushing.
“Let me help you. I’ll always be your shoulder to cry on. I can order us something to eat if you’re hungry and we can just sit and talk right here.”
He moved his hands like he was going to push himself up and off the couch. The fear that he would leave settled in the pit of my stomach. The man in front of me wasn’t Aiden. He was a broken half shell of him.
When his gaze meet mine, his eyes were filled with tears. “I see her every night in my dreams.”
Afraid to move and disrupt what he was staying, I stayed put even as my burning calves begged me to stand and move back onto the couch.
“And every night I try to chase her, to catch her and hold her here, but I can never reach her.”
He’d told
me the same thing the night he called, only he hadn’t stayed on the phone long enough for me to ask any questions.
“Does she run from you?”
“No. She begs me to help her. No matter what I try I can’t do anything to stop her from leaving.”
When I was sure he wouldn’t leave, I took the seat next to him and looped my arm through his.
“Tell me about one of the dreams.”
“It always starts with us somewhere, happy as can be. The night before I brought Zeus to you we were in the park having a picnic. Everything was perfect. There was a light breeze and not a cloud in the sky. We were just about to kiss when Christine started to float. At first I thought she was playing a game with me. At least until she floated high enough I couldn’t reach her and started to move backward.”
My heart ached for Aiden. He had these dreams every night.
“I chase her, try to catch her. But no matter how fast or far I run I can’t get her. All I can hear is her begging me to save her.”
Tears slid freely down his cheeks. “I can’t save her.”
A sob left his lips. I moved my arms around his neck, pulling his head to my chest.
“Shh, I’m here,” I whispered, rubbing circles around his back.
His shoulders shook and something down deep told me this was the first time he ever cried for all that he lost. “Let it all out.”
Minutes, maybe more passed as I held him in my arms. One thing he said standing out amongst the rest. Before he started the story he mentioned it was his dream from weeks ago.
Why not tell me last night’s dream? And why didn’t it seem like he’d been startled out of sleep when he came out to the living room earlier?
I could guess he hadn’t dreamed about anything when I first brought him home, the alcohol in his body keeping him in a deep sleep. That didn’t explain when he went back to sleep earlier. He hadn’t been sober enough to drive, but he still wasn’t drunk enough to black out.
Shudders racked his entire body. When he finally lifted his head, I could feel the wetness through my shirt from his tears. My heart ached for him and all he suffered.
“Better?”
He sniffled and nodded. “Yeah.” There was a hint of shock in his voice.
“Sometimes we need to let it out, even if it hurts.”
“You always knew better than I did.”
“Not really. Just know it always worked for me.”
He brushed the tears from his face. “I didn’t realize how badly I needed that. I’ve been trying to stay strong for Chloe.”
“We don’t have to be strong all the time. Sometimes we just need to know whose shoulder to lean on.”
His stomach rumbled, and he covered it with his hand. “I didn’t realize how hungry I am.”
“How about I call for a pizza?”
“Okay.” He moved farther back on the couch, and my shoulders relaxed even more. We were making progress.
“Sausage and peppers still your favorite?” I asked as I reached for my phone.
“You remembered?”
I wanted to say that I remembered a lot of things, but now wasn’t the time. I bit my tongue and dialed the pizza place down the street.
With the pizza ordered, I turned my attention back to Aiden, who now sat with his back against the couch, his head resting along the top.
“Aiden?” His eyes fluttered open, both bloodshot probably from a combination of the hangover and the crying.
“Yeah?”
I moved to face him, bringing one leg underneath mine. “Can I be honest with you?”
He lifted his head the rest of the way. “Oh, now you want to walk on egg shells?”
“Dreams are one thing.” I shrugged. “Besides, you told me about the dreams in the car ride here last night. This is something completely different.”
I knew what I wanted to say was treading on very thin ice.
“Let’s have it. I don’t want to admit it, but you’re right. Something has to change. I can’t keep living this way. I just don’t know how to fix it.”
I laid my hand on his arm. “I don’t think there’s a way to fix it. Your wife died. She took a piece of you with her. A piece that can never be replaced or fixed.”
His eyes shimmered again, staring off into the distance. “If I can’t fix it, how do I go back to my life without hating everything about it?”
Something had to change. He knew it. Everyone around him knew it. But only Aiden could make that happen.
“You learn to live with it and find something that makes you happy again. Something that makes the hole a little less noticeable.”
He sighed. “I’m not sure I’ll ever find something that can make me forget her.”
I shook my head. “I didn’t say forget about her, just something that makes the pain hurt a little less.”
“I guess. It’s just hard to see a future like that.”
“Even with Chloe?”
He closed his eyes and dropped his head back again. “She deserves better than me.”
“You said that last night, but I still don’t believe it.”
He scoffed. “I spend my days working in my father’s firm and once she goes to bed I spend my nights watching TV and drinking in hopes that I’ll pass out and not dream about her when I close my eyes.”
I laid my hand on his thigh. “But it doesn’t have to be that way. You don’t have to work in your father’s firm, so why are you?”
“What else am I going to do? I can’t spend my life sitting on my ass.”
“We both know you’re not doing it for the money.”
He cracked an eye open and lifted his head. “No, but it keeps me from being home all day, staring at the empty walls.”
Empty walls…thinking of Aiden’s living room when I stopped by to let Zeus out, not putting anything up out of fear of taking it down again someday made my chest tighten.
“Why not go back to music?”
He leaned forward and rested his arms on his legs. “I don’t have any more music in me. I haven’t sung or played a note since the day Christine died.”
My mouth dropped open. “Nothing? Not even in the car with the radio?”
His gaze stayed rooted to the floor. “Nothing. I can’t bring myself to do it.”
That didn’t make a bit of sense. He was singing long before he met Christine. Why would any of this stop him from doing what he loved? I could understand him needing a break from the band, but singing nothing? I didn’t know what to do with that.
I thought about not saying anything, but I had to know.
“Why? You always loved singing.”
“Christine and I met at one of my concerts. I saw her standing in the front row watching us play.”
My theory deflated.
“Oh.”
I didn’t have any other words. All the information I had about when they met was in college. I didn’t know where.
“Yeah. I even proposed to her from a stage singing my ass off. I just don’t think I can do it anymore.”
Not only had Aiden lost the person he loved most, he also lost the thing he loved doing the most. So many broken pieces. I wasn’t sure I could help him pick them all up, but I had to try.
The doorbell rang, making us both jump. I’d dug so deep into the conversation that I’d forgotten about the food.
“We’ll figure it. I promise.” I squeezed his hand and stood to pay the delivery driver.
Pizza in hand, I wandered into the kitchen, letting Aiden regroup. Who was I kidding? I was trying to regroup a little myself. When I saw him at my office a few weeks ago, I knew something wasn’t right. Maybe I should’ve realized it when he called in the middle of the night last week.
Then again, how could I?
I never imagined a world where Aiden would give up singing. It was something I had no idea how to deal with. As inexperienced as I thought I was dealing with the death of someone’s loved one, I had no idea how to deal with the loss of so
meone’s dream.
Steam escaped as I lifted the lid on the pizza. Taking two plates down from the cabinet, I placed two slices on each and balanced them on one arm. With the other, I opened the fridge and grabbed two water bottles.
The first thing we needed to tackle was his mundane routine. It left him too much time to dwell in the past and not enough time to make new memories. I carried the plates to the living room.
“Let me help you with that.”
“Thanks.”
Aiden hopped up from his seat and took the two plates, setting them on the coffee table.
I handed him one of the bottles of water. “Drink this. It’ll help.”
He held the bottle up. “A bottle of water is going to fix all my problems?”
I couldn’t stop my eyes from rolling to the back of my head. “No, but it’ll help with the hangover, which we need to take care of before anything else.”
He twisted off the cap and lifted it to his lips, draining almost a third of it before bringing it back down.
“It’s not my first hangover and it probably won’t be my last.”
“Hopefully, we can do something about that too.”
I sat down and picked up one of the plates. The cheese stretched and finally broke as I took my first bite of the greasy goodness. Out of the corner of my eye I was happy to see Aiden do the same.
When he seemed to relax back into the couch, I decided it was time to ask the final question and get the last piece of the puzzle.
I wiped my mouth with the napkin and looked at him. “Why did you call me the other night?”
“I told you I had a nightmare about Christine.”
“And? You just told me you had them every night. So why me?”
He kept his eyes glued to his plate. “Besides Jackson, I knew you were the only person who wouldn’t judge me. Considering it’s been almost nine months at this point.”
“There’s no time limit on grief; it lasts as long as it needs to.”
“A part of me feels like things should be getting better. That it still shouldn’t hurt as much. I gave the house back east to her parents and sold the other. I moved. I haven’t put up a single picture of her in the new house. So why can’t I escape the pain?”
Last and Forever Page 7
