When he turned to face me, his eyes were full of tears again. Pain clear in his gray depths.
“Because you’ve done nothing but try to push away her memory. Yes, she’s gone and I know it hurts to be places she was, but you can’t wipe her completely out of your life.”
I pushed the plate toward him, a plan forming in my head.
“Eat. Today we’re going to relax here.”
“Then?”
“Then we’re going to get to work.”
“Work?” He narrowed his eyes at me. “I don’t think I’m cut out to work in a vet’s office.”
I shook my head and sat back with my own plate of pizza. “Not work with me. We start working to bring her memory back and help you embrace it instead of trying to shove it away.”
“I don’t think that’s—”
I covered his lips with my fingers. “Don’t even finish that sentence. What you’ve been doing hasn’t worked, so it’s time to try something different.”
“I can’t do it by myself.”
“You don’t have too. I’ll be there every step.”
I held my pinky out to him and waited.
“Pinky promise.”
12
Aiden
Pinky promise…
The words paraded through my mind. Memories racing to the surface.
“Girls are dumb,” Austin shouted from across the playground.
He was yelling at the girl who just moved down the street from me a few weeks ago. I’d seen her watching us from the front window of her house, but she never came out to play. Not until today.
Austin had knocked on my door asking if I wanted to ride my bike to the park. Lincoln, Cooper, and Joey were already on their bikes in the driveway.
A few minutes later we were running along the top of the play set at the park for our development. We were using long sticks as swords, fighting to be the pirate captain when a soft voice called out.
“Can I play too?”
We stopped and when I looked down, there was the girl from the window. She had long brown hair pulled up into a ponytail and eyes the color of the sky.
Austin was the first one to answer, but Lincoln pushed him. “Don’t be mean.”
“Yeah, Austin…” I didn’t hear the rest of what Joey said.
I dropped my stick and climbed down the play set until my feet hit the ground. The little girl was already heading back to her bike. She probably hadn’t seen Lincoln shove Austin or heard the rest of us defend her.
“Wait,” I called, running after her.
She had thrown her leg over her bike and was about to leave when I finally caught up. I stepped in front of her bike.
“Please move,” she said. Her eyes were focused on the ground.
“Don’t you want to play with us?”
She lifted her head and I could see where she’d been crying. “I thought girls were dumb.”
“I don’t think girls are dumb. Come play with us.” I stayed in front of her bike. I didn’t want her to leave sad.
She glanced over at Austin. “But then he’s going to be mean the whole time.”
I lifted my hand and held out my pinky to her. “I won’t let him be mean to you and if he is, we’ll go find something else to do. Pinky promise.”
She looked at my hand then back at me before wrapping her pinky around mine.
It had been our thing. Our way of showing one another that nothing could or would break the connection we shared.
Lexi still held her hand out to me, pinky extended. And I did the only thing I could. I lifted my own hand and wrapped my pinky around hers.
“Pinky promise.”
We shook and it seemed as if a bit of the weight I’d been dragging on my shoulders had lifted. The moment seemed to freeze in time.
When I realized we’d been sitting there longer than we needed, I finally broke the connection, moving back.
She smiled, but I noticed it didn’t reach her eyes. Seemed the barrel of emotions I let loose on her had taken its toll. My stomach chose that moment to announce itself and break the tension settling through the room.
She pointed at the plate. “Eat. The rest can wait.”
I wanted to escape the heavy conversation that had surrounded us for the last few hours. We both needed the break and I was more than content to let food be the distraction.
Once we finished the pizza, Lexi led our conversation. Far away from the disaster my life had become, she told me about college. We’d lost touch for so many years. I didn’t know what went wrong.
The thought kept taunting me as I drove home from Lexi’s house later that night. It seemed as if the moment I left for school, I stopped hearing from her. No text. No calls. Nothing. And I’d been too busy making friends in the music program and trying to find connections and create a new band.
A band I left behind.
I pulled into the driveway, the entire house dark, and sighed. The lonely space taunted me. Unease filled me, the same as it always did when I came back to the unfamiliar, empty space.
Thinking back to everything Lexi said to me over the last few hours. For me to move on, things had to change. I couldn’t keep living in the same pattern I had been. And with Chloe away for another night, now was a chance for me to do something different.
Time for a new start.
I reached for the door handle and pushed it open. My hands shook as I walked to the door. It would be the first time I would stay in the house all alone.
I flipped on the light as the front door swung open. The house seemed so quiet when I stepped inside. It was weird not to hear Chloe’s cries fill the house when I got home. Then the sound of Zeus’s nails scratching on the floor as he raced for the door hit my ears.
“Hey, boy.” I scooped him up into my arms. “I’m glad Lexi came to let you out.”
I checked his bowls were still full and let him out the back door. The silence descended on the house again.
But tonight was for new beginnings. I kicked to door closed with my foot, my eyes drawn to the couch against the wall. The pillow and blanket I’d left there two nights ago lay in a crumpled mess at one end.
I picked them up and carried them down the hall to my bedroom, determined to sleep in my own bed for an entire night. Up until now I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the bed alone. The bed seemed so big, the sheets too cold. Tonight I was going to make myself stay there.
It wasn’t that late, but after the previous night a shower and some sleep were in order. Tomorrow, Chloe would be back in her bed and a good night’s sleep wasn’t guaranteed. I dropped the pillow and blanket on the bed, and tugged my shirt over my head. The bed called my name, but I bypassed it and dropped the shirt into the hamper on the way into the bathroom.
I flipped on the shower. As I discarded my jeans, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. The light stubble on my cheeks was slowly making its way to a full-blown beard. My hair needed a trim. The shaggy look that had worked on stage didn’t really go well in the office. But there was only so much of myself I could leave behind.
Steam covered the mirror, blocking the red lines that covered the whites of my eyes. Last night, I’d gone way too far. Thank fuck Lexi had shown up at the bar. Who knew what would have happened if she hadn’t stepped in and gotten me home.
I stepped into the shower, letting the hot water run down my tired muscles. In all the years apart, Lexi still looked out for me. The way any best friend would.
Not to discount Jackson. He’d been there every step of the way for me. But I could tell the last time he’d stopped by, the exhaustion of trying to pull me out of the hole I was in weighed on him. Especially when I basically told him to go fuck himself.
That had been over a month ago and I now had some groveling to do. I filled the sponge with soap and ran it all over my body, focused on how things were different with Lexi.
She’d pushed me the same way Jackson had, but for some reason, I’d been willing to lis
ten to her.
And maybe that said a whole lot about the relationship Lexi and I had with one another. Jackson and I met in middle school and instantly connected through the band. And yeah, we’d faced our fair share of bullies. The jocks always want to make fun of the music kid. Even when you’re bigger than them and they want you to play at their party, they always seem to have some snide comment. But that was easy to ignore. I knew Jackson and I were going to be more successful than they imagined.
Lexi and I, on the other hand, had started our friendship facing adversity. It might have been as simple as one jerk on the playground, but that allegiance to each other meant so much more. Every hard time in my life, I could remember calling Lexi for advice. It wasn’t until college that I started using Jackson as my sounding board and only because Lexi was no longer there.
She’d up and disappeared. Didn’t return calls or texts. Nothing. Years ago, I’d been so absorbed in myself that I hadn’t thought much past that she must be busy, but now I had to wonder. The way she stepped in as my protector when I was in a room full of people, some I most likely knew. She was the only one to take notice, or maybe the only one I hadn’t pushed away.
The water started to run cold. I shut it off and climbed out of the shower. Somehow it was easier to think in the shower. The warm spray seemed to clear my head and make me realize things I hadn’t noticed before.
I grabbed a towel off the rack and dried off, rubbing it through my hair as I walked back into the bedroom. The sweatpants from the other night lay at the end of the bed where I tossed them before heading out to the bar. I tugged them on, not bothering with a shirt, and went to the kitchen for a glass of water.
The bottle of whiskey sat on the counter where I left it. My hand instinctively went to reach for it, but then I remembered the disaster the night before. And even though my hangover had subsided, I didn’t need to add any more alcohol to my system. Actually, I needed to stay away from the alcohol.
I took a bottle of water from the fridge and twisted off the top. Lifting it to my lips, I took long swallows of the cool liquid. Now that I didn’t feel like every part of my body wanted to curl up in the fetal position and not move, I realized how thirsty I was.
As I leaned against the counter, the idea of change I thought about at Lexi’s and in the car on the way home came back to me. I glanced at the half empty bottle on the counter.
I’d been using it as a crutch to sleep each night, instead of facing why I couldn’t sleep in the first place. Lexi was the first person I told about the nightmares, keeping them to myself, not wanting to share the grief with anyone else.
Change.
Time to face what happened instead of pushing it away until it could only chase me in my dreams.
Yanking the bottle off the counter, I took of the top and poured the amber liquid down the sink.
It was time to stop hiding and find a way to deal with all of the emotions I’d been too chicken to face. I chucked the bottle into the trash and went to the door to let Zeus in. He darted in the house and waited at my feet to see where I planned to go. I turned out the light. Going to bed without a drink wasn’t the only thing I needed to face.
Sleeping in my own bed was the next.
I glanced at the couch and turned for the stairs. No matter what, I was staying in my own bed tonight. Legs and body weary from all the revelations today, I climbed the stairs and walked down the hall to my room, Zeus following closely behind.
I stopped at Chloe’s room and flipped on the light. I missed her soft snores and the sound of music playing lightly in the background. Tonight her room was quiet. As much as I missed her, it seemed to be for the best. It had given me the chance to really look in the mirror and see what I was doing to myself.
A chance to recognize my mistakes and make a change.
I shut out her light and walked into my own room. When she got home tomorrow, we were going to have a new start. A place where we didn’t live in the past, but one where we focused on a future.
I crawled beneath the sheets, promising myself that tomorrow and every day forward I was going to do better.
I was going to find me again.
13
Aiden
A banging noise echoed in my ears. I didn’t remember drinking that much the night before, but if past history was any indication I was in for a blinding headache when I opened my eyes. So I kept them closed and took stock of the rest of my body.
With a deep breath, I adjusted my position on the couch, carefully so as not to fall off, and braced myself for the cracks and creaks of my bones from sleeping in such a small space.
The banging continued and realization dawned that someone was at the door. Zeus’s bark filled the house. Unable to lie there any longer, if I wanted the person on the other side of the door to go away, I slid my foot to the end of the couch. When all I was met with was cool fabric, my eyes snapped open.
The contents of my bedroom slowly coming into focus. The tallboy dresser next to the window. Clothes strewn haphazardly all over the floor. Even one of my guitars sat in the corner covered by dust.
What the hell?
Most people wouldn’t be surprised to wake up in their own bed, but for someone who hadn’t slept in his bed, or at least hadn’t slept in it all night in nine months, waking up there shocked the shit out of me.
I awkwardly pushed myself up to sitting when I heard the doorbell ring. Why hadn’t Chloe woken me up before now? If she was still asleep, I didn’t want to wake her.
“I’m coming,” I called, surprised the loud tone of my voice hadn’t made my ears ring.
As the last remnants of sleep faded away and I slowly came to my senses, memories of the day before flashed through my mind.
Chloe leaving with her grandparents.
Waking up at Lexi’s. Her pushing me to talk.
Crying on Lexi’s shoulder.
The doorbell rang again and I threw the covers to the side. Zeus came barreling into the room, ears up, still barking at all the chaos.
“It’s all right, boy.” I yanked on the pair of sweats I left at the end of the bed and scooped Chloe up into my arms. “Let’s go see who it is.”
I trudged down the hall, still coming to grips with the fact I’d slept the entire night in my own bed. No nightmares, no mass quantities of alcohol to make me pass out.
I shifted Zeus under my arm and unthinking, pulled open the door without checking.
“Hey.”
Lexi stood on the other side, two coffees in her hands and a smile on her face.
Like an idiot, I stood there blinking at her.
She stared at me for a moment before taking a step back. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were still sleeping. I should’ve called before I came over.”
She started to turn, but I placed my hand on her shoulder. “Wait.”
When she faced me again, I gave my head a shake.
“Are you okay?”
“Let’s just say it’s been a really weird morning.” I took a step back. “Come in.”
A cautious look passed over her face. “Are you sure?”
“I moved back even farther. “Yes.”
She looked unsure, but stepped into the house anyway. She held out a hand to Zeus. I let him take in Lexi’s scent, helping him recognize that Lexi was the one to help him a few weeks ago.
Zeus settled in my arms. I closed the door and set him on the floor. He continued to smell Lexi’s feet, even as I tried to shoo him away.
“It’s fine. He’s getting to know me. He did the same yesterday.”
“I’m just glad he let you in. A few weeks ago he tried to eat the pizza delivery driver.”
Lexi glanced around as she walked farther into the living room, around the sofa and toward the coffee table.
“I brought coffee, black with sugar. I figured after yesterday you might need it.”
I chuckled. “If you had asked me yesterday, I would have told you hell yeah. But last night was the
best night’s sleep I’ve had in almost a year.”
“Really?” Shocked filled her tone.
“Yeah, I can’t explain it.” I ran a hand through my hair and glanced down at my bare chest. “Let me grab a shirt and I’ll be right back.”
I hurried down the hall and grabbed a T-shirt from my dresser, yanking it over my head. When I made it back to the living room, Lexi had made herself comfortable on the same couch. With a cup of coffee trapped between her hands, I noticed her glancing around the room. Not that there was anything to look at. I hadn’t put a single picture or personal item since we moved in.
I moved forward, making my shadow pass across the room. Her gaze moved around until it finally landed on me.
“Hi.” Her tone was soft.
“Hi.” I came back to the seat next to her and she held the other cup in my direction. “Thanks.”
“Wanna tell me what made it such a strange morning?” Zeus had snuggled up against her while she ran her fingers through his thick fur.
I took a sip of the hot liquid and almost smiled when the familiar taste of dark roast hit my lips. It had been so ling since I could bring myself to make it. “Let’s just say this is the first morning I’ve woken up both sober and in my own bed.”
“I’ll be honest, I wondered when I saw the blankets and pillows on the couch yesterday morning if you’d been sleeping here.”
“When the nightmares hit, the bed seemed way too cold and lonely. But last night was different.”
“I had a feeling it would be. You finally broke down the dam you’ve been keeping your emotions behind.”
She laid her hand on my knee. “I’m glad.”
We sat in a silence for a few minutes, sipping coffee and simply taking in the moment. It was Lexi who broke the silence. “When are Chloe’s grandparents bringing her home?”
“Not until later today. Why?”
“I came to help you start finding Christine’s memory. Even if we have to go through a million boxes to find it.” She gestured around to the noticeably empty house.
Last and Forever Page 8
