Goddess of Loss

by Jennifer Ellision

  “What are you thinking about?” Jay whispered in my ear as we swayed together, my head on his shoulder. “Are you thinking about Luka?”

  I pulled back a little so I could look him in the eye. “Kind of. I was wondering about how this would be perceived in the papers tomorrow. People of The Vale are straight-laced. They might not like the fact I’m dancing with a man who isn’t the new princess’s father.”

  “And does that bother you?”

  I shook my head and whispered back. “Not in the slightest.” Leaning forward, I pressed my lips against his to show him I was telling the truth. All around us, I heard a collective gasp, but I drowned the sound out, preferring to listen only to the music and to fall into the kiss, among the first of many.

  “Let’s go outside.” Jay took my hand, and together, we made our way through the crowds of people. Like most palaces of royalty, ours had a balcony where we would pose for royal photos on days when the public demanded it, such as royal occasions. What most people didn’t know was that we had a private balcony at the back of the palace that overlooked the palace gardens.

  It was lit by a beautiful combination of torches, stars, and fireflies that danced around us.

  “I meant what I said inside. I really don’t care what people think. It took me a long time to get here, but I’m here now. I love you, Jay.”

  I’d never seen his face so lit up or animated at my words. He’d been waiting a long time to hear them.

  “I know that Luka will always be part of your life, I don’t want to change that, I...”

  I held a finger to his lips. “This night isn’t about Luka. It’s about us.”

  “Actually, it’s about Fae, but...”

  I silenced him with a kiss, moving my lips against his in a way that felt so natural that I wondered how I could ever have thought otherwise. I ran my fingers through his dark hair and inhaled his scent of fresh soap and a hint of the staviary that never really left him.

  When I finally pulled away, I noticed some of the unicorns flying over the garden. One of them was Zacharina, followed by Epiphany. My stomach lurched, and for a second, I thought they were coming to tell me something was wrong, but then I saw they weren’t just flying, they were parading in the air, almost a dance, giving the fireflies a run for their money.

  “Jay?”

  “Hmmm?”

  “Did you happen to talk about the ball in front of the unicorns at all?”

  Even in the torchlight, I saw his cheeks color.

  “I might have been practicing the courage to ask you as my date in front of them.”

  I tried to hide the smirk on my face by turning away from him and looking out to the unicorns again.

  Zacharina nodded then flew off into the night, followed by the other unicorns.

  “I don’t know. I sometimes get the feeling that they understand every word we say.”

  Jay held his hand out to me. I still hadn’t told him that, as well as unicorns understanding us, I could understand them and speak to them, too. Even now, with no other secrets between us, I wasn’t quite ready to give this part of me up. It felt too real. It would mean admitting that there was something weird about me. The strangers had all talked about magic, and I’d sat there silent on the subject. Maybe I should have told them. After all, magic wasn’t something to be ashamed of, but they all had powers that made sense. Azia could control dragons. Blaise could swim underwater. Castiel could actually change into an animal. My ability wasn’t really so different from theirs, but I couldn’t control the unicorns, nor could I turn into one. I could only talk to them, both verbally and telepathically.

  “There you are!”

  I turned to find my mother walking out onto the balcony.

  “Sorry to interrupt you love birds, but the orchestra is packing up and people are leaving.”

  She moved toward us and kissed first Jay, then me, on our cheeks. “You two were just beautiful out there. You’ll be the talk of the town tomorrow. The editor of the Echo told me himself he’s going to put you on the front page.”

  “That’s what I’m worried about!”

  My mother furrowed her brows. “Why?”

  “She’s worried that they’ll think she’s awful for dancing with a man that isn’t Fae’s father.”

  My mother tutted, then brought me into a hug. “Of all the silly things to worry about. Didn’t you hear what everyone was saying?”

  I shook my head. I’d seen a lot of them looking at Jay and I dancing and chattering to themselves, but I’d not heard the topic of their conversations.

  She put one hand on my shoulder and another on Jay’s shoulder and began to guide us back inside.

  “After they’d finished up telling me how beautiful Fae was, they all remarked how nice it was to see you looking so happy. You know, I’d not noticed it before, but they were right. You looked radiant tonight, and it had nothing to do with the dress or the hair and makeup. It was the look of complete happiness as you danced with Jay. It’s been too long since I saw you so happy.”

  In the hall, a couple of stragglers were still getting their coats on, but in the main part, the maids had taken over the room and were clearing everything away.

  “I was wondering if you’d permit me to escort Eliana to her room,” Jay asked, his face a picture of complete innocence. Inside I felt the heat rise in embarrassment. Shockingly, my mother answered him with a wink.

  “By the gods, that was embarrassing,” I said five minutes later as we walked up the stairs to my room.

  “Worth it, though,” he answered, backing me up to the door to my suite and kissing me so hard that I completely forgot why I was mad. And, oh, he was right. It was worth it. Williamson and Avery were nowhere in sight. It was just Jay and me.

  His lips crushed mine and I kissed back with urgency. I caressed his head in my hands, pulling him closer, deeper to me. My body ignited, excitement coursing through every pore. It had been a long time since anyone had made me feel this way. A really long time.

  “I want... you… in my room” I breathed heavily, speaking between kisses.

  “For however much I want that, and believe me, I do really want that, tonight isn’t the night. Fae and her nanny are asleep behind that door.”

  I laughed, mainly so I didn’t cry.

  “There will be time for that,” he said, kissing my nose, this time much more chastely. “Tonight was only our first date, remember.”

  “Second,” I pouted.

  This time he laughed. Somewhere I heard the clock strike midnight.

  “Goodnight, Lia.” He kissed my hand and walked away.

  15th May

  I tiptoed past Judith, who was sleeping soundly on the bed my mother had brought up for her and checked the bassinet. Fae was sleeping too, her little chest rising and falling with each breath. Judith had taken her out of her frilly dress and put her in a onesie to sleep in. Fae had managed to kick her covers off completely, so I picked them up and tucked her back in, careful not to wake her. A big part of me wanted to pick the bassinet up and carry it into my bedroom, but that would no doubt wake Fae, which in turn would wake Judith. It was kinder to walk to my room alone and let them both sleep.

  I pulled my dress over my head, then struggled to get out of the corset I’d been squeezed into hours before. When it finally loosened, I took a deep breath, letting my lungs expand and my body return to its natural post-birth shape. With a long sigh, I fell into bed and went to sleep almost immediately.

  My dreams were full of happiness, of dancing and kissing. When I woke up, much later than usual, the memory of a dream of dancing with Luka lingered. But it wasn’t a sad dream. He’d given his blessing to Jay and I. As I had let him go, he was finally letting me go.

  Fae wasn’t in her bassinet when I walked through my sitting room to get to the bathroom, and Judith was also absent. Judging by the brightness coming through the windows, the day was already half over, so it was no surprise that Judith would be elsewhere i
n the castle.

  As I padded across the room in my bare feet, a sudden feeling of panic engulfed me. The sight of the framed picture on my wall, the one that had been there as long as I could remember, reminded me that we were still in danger.

  Rumpelstiltskin.

  I’d not given much thought to him in the past couple of days. My dates with Jay had eclipsed everything, but suddenly his name struck terror in my heart. Had Judith been told to stay in the room with Fae until I woke up? Or had something happened to them? I opened the door to the corridor. Avery caught sight of me in only my nightgown and blushed.

  “Can I help you, Your Highness?” he asked, not knowing where to put his eyes.

  “Have you seen Judith this morning?” I asked, my heart pounding in fear.

  “The lady took Fae down for breakfast with the queen. The queen’s orders were not to wake you.”

  Feeling foolish, I headed back into my room. I walked over to the framed print of the word Rumpelstiltskin and yanked it off the wall. The paint behind it was much brighter and more vivid than the rest of the room. Not that I cared. I wanted the thing to be gone. It had plagued my life enough. It wasn’t as though I was likely to forget his name now anyway. I opened the door again.

  “Avery. When Williamson comes on shift, can you take this and dispose of it?” I handed him the picture that had become the bane of my life.

  Avery raised an eyebrow. “Where would you like me to dispose of it?”

  “I don’t care. Destroy it. Smash the glass and rip the picture up into a thousand pieces. I just don’t want to see it ever again.”

  “Very well, Your Highness.”

  I shut the door and went for the bath I’d set out for ten minutes earlier.

  Now that I knew Fae was all right, I let my mind drift back to Jay. To the kiss we’d shared before I’d retreated to my room. It was no chaste goodnight kiss on the cheek. It was full of the passion we’d both repressed for so long. I’d forgotten how wonderful it was to be touched, how my body felt like it was on fire with each caress. Unfortunately, I hadn’t forgotten that beyond the door I’d been pushed against, my baby daughter—not to mention her nanny—had been sleeping.

  I’d said goodnight to Jay, but I hadn’t wanted to. I hadn’t wanted the night to end at my door, but it had. Just because Williamson and Avery had given us some space didn’t mean they weren’t just around the corner.

  But Jay and I would have our chance to be together again. Last night was just a promise of things to come.

  I washed and dressed quickly and headed downstairs. I found Fae in the grand hall in the arms of my mother who was overseeing the cleanup of the event from the night before. She gave me a knowing smile as she handed Fae over.

  “Did you have a good night?” she inquired with a smirk. My mother never smirked. It just wasn’t something she did.

  “I did, as a matter of fact. I was thinking I’d grab some food and head out to the staviary to see Jay.”

  “He’s not in today.” She saw my look and quickly added “He’s in town sorting out an order, that’s all. Apparently, you two were so busy glancing lovingly into each other’s eyes the other day that neither of you checked the order and some of it’s wrong. I’m sure he’ll be back later.”

  Disappointment flooded through me. “Thank you. Do you want help clearing up?”

  “I think we have everything in hand. Most of it was done last night. It’s just the decorations that need taking down. It’s such a glorious day, why don’t you take Fae out for a walk around the castle grounds? Avery and Williamson can go with you.”

  She waved her hand to dismiss me, so I did as she suggested and took Fae outside. We spent the afternoon in the shade of a tree, resting on the lawn.

  As the sun began to lower in the sky, two unicorns soared down and landed on the grass next to us, beating their wings so hard my hair blew across my face. Zacharina and Epiphany.

  I scrambled up to my knees. “How are the unicorns doing?” I asked, sitting up. Like last night, I felt a lurch of foreboding.

  “We are doing very well.” Zacharina lowered herself, folding her legs beneath her. Epiphany frolicked around Fae in an attempt to make her giggle. “I saw you last night. I hope you don’t mind that we interrupted your romantic evening.”

  “Not at all. I’m sorry that I’ve not been out to see you in a while. I’ve been busy with the party and other things.”

  “Yes, I saw what other things have kept you away from us. Jay is a wonderful human. Although I cannot speak to him the way I speak to you, I feel that he understands the unicorns too in his own way.”

  “I know. I just wish I could have figured it out sooner. I only saw him last night and I miss him already. Does that sound stupid?”

  “Not at all, young one. It sounds like the first flush of love.”

  I felt the blush rising to my cheeks. “I’ve seen Jay practically every day of my life. I didn’t even know it was possible to miss someone after having them there all the time.”

  “You’d be surprised what is possible. You speak to us. Most humans would say that’s impossible, but here we are having a conversation.”

  “In our heads,” I pointed out. Everything she said, I heard in my mind, rather than my ears.

  “It doesn’t make it any less valid.”

  Thinking about talking the way Zacharina and I talked made me think back to the strangers, and the foreboding feeling in the pit of my stomach returned. I hadn’t had a chance to tell her about them yet.

  “I had a visit the other day from a group of strangers. They thought they might be my brothers and sisters.”

  Zacharina tilted her head to the side, and I saw a look of interest on her face. “What made them think that?”

  I absent-mindedly picked at the blades of grass between my fingers as I thought back to the conversation I’d had with them. “You know I’m adopted. They told me that they were adopted as newborns too. Their story is remarkably like mine. They were all left on the doorstep of a ruler of a kingdom by two women. They all had golden rings around their irises like I have. I always thought that had something to do with the unicorns.”

  Zacharina shook her head. “While it’s true that some unicorns have gold-colored coats or golden horns and, yes, golden eyes, I’ve yet to see that in humans. You are the only one I’ve ever met with eyes quite like yours. I cannot deny the link between us, but your eyes are nothing to do with the unicorn world.”

  “Do you think they mean I have magic?”

  She seemed to contemplate this for a while. “I don’t know much about magic apart from the magic of unicorns. I know it exists. Ask yourself this. Before these people turned up claiming to be your siblings, had you met other people of magic?”

  I thought back to the balls my mother and father had held in the past. “I’ve met some. We’ve played host to a number of dignitaries from Enchantia. They are full of magic.”

  “And did they have the gold ring around their eyes?”

  I shook my head. “Before the other day, I’d not seen anyone with the gold ring. Not even the mages of Enchantia.”

  “But you do have magic. You can talk to us.”

  I leaned forward and gave her a stroke behind her ear.

  On the picnic blanket beside me, Fae waved her fat fists at Epiphany, although she was yet to giggle. She was still so young. Her eyes were just like her father’s. The same shade. There was no golden ring.

  “They asked me to go with them,” I said, turning back to Zacharina. “They thought that a great disaster was about to befall The Vale as it had in their kingdoms. They were on a mission to change things. Put them back the way they used to be.”

  Zacharina rose to her feet. “And you did not go with them despite sharing your magic and perhaps your blood?”

  “There’s nothing I want to change,” I said, following suit. “My life is as perfect as it has ever been. I’ve had sadness in the past, but my future looks wonderful. My future is
here in The Vale.”

  She rubbed her head against my side. “In that case, I’m very happy for you, child.” In spite of her words, there was an edge to her tone—a hint of worry or doubt.

  “Do you know if anything bad is going to happen?” I asked, stroking my fingers through her mane.

  “I’m no seer. I only see what you do. If you want my advice, do what makes you happy.”

  With that, she took to the sky, Epiphany following close behind.

  I folded the picnic blanket, picked Fae up and placed her in her bassinet, and headed back to the house. Williamson and Avery, who had been watching me from a distance and enjoying their afternoon of sun, got up and followed.

  “Is Jay not back yet?” I yawned, handing the bassinet to Judith as I entered the dining room.

  Judith took Fae for her nighttime bath and to get her ready for bed. I was so tired I’d probably join them both after dinner. Judith was only to stay with Fae until I took over. I’d been lucky to have her in the sitting room of my suite for two nights, but tonight I was back to looking after Fae on my own, and I was already exhausted after last night’s ball.

  “Not yet,” my mother answered, passing me a plate. “He sent word about an hour ago that he’d be a while yet. He told me to tell you to go to bed, and he’ll see you in the morning. He wanted to get all the stuff put away in the staviary when he gets back.”

  I yawned again and waited for the servant to put food on my plate. I was almost too tired to eat it. However disappointed I was at not seeing Jay, I was craving my bed more.

  Fae was already snuggled up in her bassinet when I entered my room after dinner. I thanked Judith, dismissing her for the evening, then took the bassinet into the bedroom where I placed it next to the bed. Picking Fae up, I snuggled us both into bed for her nightly feed. I sang a soft lullaby as her eyes began to droop, and before long, she was completely asleep.