Heartless Few Box Set

by MV Ellis

  At some point in my speech, the other guys realize I’m serious and go from mocking laughter to listening attentively. Now that I’ve got them, I drop the real bombshell.

  “And if everything goes well, I’m going to be a father, so I guess—”

  I have to stop speaking as Ryan erupts in a choking fit. He splutters coffee all over himself, causing him to wave his hands around like a lunatic. Bad move, considering one hand is still holding the cup of black coffee he’s choking on, which in turn makes him spill more burning hot liquid on himself, and on and on it goes. What a chump. This level of uncool is completely out of character for him.

  Our bass player often seems to play the role of dispassionate observer, hanging back from the group slightly while carefully watching everything that goes down. He has a dry sense of humor, and his killer comments are the hilarious soundtrack to band life. He’s like a sarcastic sportscaster, quietly observing and reporting on life as it happens.

  Apart from the obvious wit, he’s also seriously intelligent. He mostly channels his smarts into pointing out just how not smart the rest of us are, with hilarious consequences. On the other hand, with his tendency to hang back and take shit in, he was the first to realize that Stevie’s fun and games had strayed into addiction, and bring it to the attention of the rest of us, so it’s not all shits and giggles. Even then, because that’s the way Stevie had always been even at school, and because hell-raising is part and parcel of the rock star lifestyle, it was a long time before anyone took the problem seriously, and by then, it was too late.

  People who don’t know Ryan well can sometimes find him shy or standoffish, but actually, he’s neither; he just doesn’t waste words on bullshit, or people who he doesn’t think are worthy of his energy. I guess that’s what people mean when they describe someone as having “hidden depths.” Musically speaking, they say that “the bass drives the band from the back of the bus,” and the same could be said for Ryan’s personality. He might not be the most upfront member of the band, but he makes his presence felt in other ways.

  We all watch this ridiculous dance with amusement. By the time the coughing eventually subsides, Jake is laughing so hard, tears are streaming down his face and I think he’s having an asthma attack.

  Ryan gets himself under control and looks at me again, eyes still watering.

  “Man, I didn’t know whether to give you the Heimlich or treat you for third-degree burns,” I tell him, joining in with the laughter.

  He pats his chest for good measure before speaking.

  “Did someone put something in this coffee? One of you freakazoids wants me so bad you roofied me, and I’m trippin’, right? I thought I just heard you say that you’re about to be a father.”

  “Nobody tried to roofie you, man. First off, there’s nothing you’ve got that we want, but if there was, we all know we wouldn’t have to waste good shit to get it from you.” Jake is on fire today, and he’s not even trying—the laughs just keep coming. I answer Ryan before he wigs out completely.

  “Well at this point, it’s partially true, at least. London is pregnant, but the fact is, I haven’t seen or spoken to her at all since she dropped the bombshell. Her choice, not mine. By the time I even found out, she was on a plane headed for Sydney. As things stand right now, she doesn’t want to see me, probably doesn’t even want to think about me, let alone raise a kid with me.” I’m aware that my life sounds like the plot of a cheap daytime soap opera—it would be called Rock Hard and Restless.

  Silence. You could have heard a flea fart in California.

  Luke crosses the room in a few sleek strides. Sometimes I forget how similar we are, physically if not mentally. Then he does something like that and it’s like looking at myself in the mirror. When he reaches me, he’s beaming from ear to ear.

  “Man, that’s awesome. The baby part. Not the whole Sydney thing. That part sucks. I’ll be honest, I thought I’d witness a snowman’s convention in Hell before I saw the day that you were ready and willing to be a father. How long have you known?” Before I can answer, he has me in a bear hug. “Seriously, congrats. That’s… beyond… I mean it’s wild, but it’s also fucking amazing.”

  I disentangle myself from his embrace.

  “Thanks, man. Yeah, I know it’s a total mindfuck. I still haven’t fully figured shit out in my head, and I can honestly say that the moment a few weeks ago when I found out was the most bittersweet of my life.”

  “A few weeks? What the fuck, man, why didn’t you say something sooner?”

  “I didn’t know what to think, let alone say.”

  “Hmm… I could see something was off, obviously even a fool could, but I couldn’t work out why you were so sideways. I mean I get it, you love her, but even so, it was completely out of character. Man, I was so wrapped up in my own shit….” I don’t miss the wistful, regretful tone of his voice. Before I can ask what’s going on with him, he carries on. “At least I know you’re not losing your mind.”

  “Maybe I was for a moment there. I guess I needed that time in my head to deal with the shock, and let me tell you, it was a monumental shock. London had just broken it off with me over the whole video debacle. We had a farewell fuck, and when I woke up, there was an ultrasound photo on the pillow and she was long gone. She pretty much left my bed and immediately flew to the other side of the fucking world. I’m choosing to believe she just needs a timeout, but who the fuck knows? She could be gone for good, taking my baby with her.”

  My words are received with stunned silence from the guys. Luke’s expression has clouded over, his ecstatic grin replaced by a deep frown. He cracks his neck, again reminding me of me, and goes back to his seat.

  “Shit, man, that’s rough. I wish you’d come to me with this sooner, instead of carrying it all yourself. I could have… I don’t know, even just helped you sink a few bottles or something.”

  He’s right, but I guess I just needed to do this my way and bring it to the group when I was good and ready. Besides, Luke has been keeping himself scarce lately—he hasn’t stayed at the house for weeks. I guess he thought I needed time.

  “Yeah, I know, but I think this is something I just had to go through alone at first, to get my shit straight. Or straighter, at least. The only person I told was Mom.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She said I need to man up and get my girl. She’s right.”

  “You’re going to Australia?”

  “No. I’m giving her the space to do her thing. Cool off, get her head straight about the baby and me, spend quality time with her parents. All of that.”

  “So that’s your ‘plan,’ to do nothing and hope she comes to her senses?” The bite in Luke’s voice surprises me. What’s eating him?

  “No, you dumb knucklehead, that’s not my goddamn plan. Do I look like a fucking chump to you?” He opens his mouth as though to answer, but I shoot him a look that says, “If you value your teeth sitting in your head, don’t say a fucking word.” He closes his mouth again, choosing to remain silent. Smart guy.

  “No, dude. When have you ever known me to sit back and do nothing? In any situation? If I’m going down, I’m going down fighting. You know this. When she gets back here, I want her and our baby in my life, and while I have a pulse, I’m going to make sure that happens. But if this is going to work, she has to think it’s her idea—if she feels backed into a corner, she’ll take off again. I need to show her that she wants and needs me in her and the baby’s lives, or it’s all over. Jesus, I never thought it was possible, but that woman has a harder head than I do.”

  “Bigger balls too!”

  I think I may have to end Stevie, although he’s probably right.

  “Suck my balls, then suck hers, you dick.” Everyone erupts into laughter, breaking the tension. One by one, the rest of the band approach to give me their personal congratulations—a bro hug and a wisecrack about how unbelievable the situation is.

  “So, changes are coming. First
, I’m going to try and maybe be a little less of a douche. But as Stevie so wisely pointed out, we’re talking about breaking a lifetime of habits here. I don’t know how well that’s gonna work for me. Baby steps. No pun intended.” The looks of disbelief on the guys’ faces are priceless. I think they think they’re being punk’d or something. Fuck them.

  “The biggest shift is that I’m moving back to New York. I mean, I guess that’s obvious by the fact that I asked London to move in with me here, but anyway, I guess you can say I’ve moved back already. I’m going to start using my office at the club for something other than storage, and I’ll be taking on a more hands-on role there. Hunter is nailing the running of the place, but I think I can put his skills to even better use elsewhere in my businesses. I haven’t told him yet, so if you do happen to run into him by some fluke, don’t spill your guts.”

  As everyone makes their way back to their seats, I carry on.

  “So the net-net of all that is that even with me taking on more responsibility at the club, you’re gonna be seeing more of me around here than you ever used to, and I guess you’re just gonna have to deal with it, suckers!” Predictably, they all look like I’ve just given them an STI. They can go fuck themselves with a rusty screwdriver.

  Stevie is the first to speak.

  “Wow. You know, I got on really well with London when we were on tour. She’s mad smart, funny, and warm, but obviously doesn’t take any shit, least of all from you. And of course, she’s hot as living fuck.”

  I clench my fists and shoot him a look that I hope conveys the depth of my hatred for him right now. He shrugs, grinning like the cat that got the whole fucking dairy, not just the cream. Even though I know he’s just being an ass, trying to push my buttons, it’s still working. I don’t otherwise acknowledge that he’s spoken, which he takes as his cue to continue poking the bear.

  “But even with all that, I must have really underestimated her, because I never thought I’d see the day when the great Arlo Jones would wake up, smell the espresso martini, and realize what an epic asshat he is. Am I right?” He looks to the other boys for backup. Everybody nods as though their lives depend on it. Bunch of jerks.

  I scowl at him and leer at the rest of them. “Listen, man, I said I’m going to try to be a little less of a dick. I don’t remember saying anything about turning into a complete pussy, and I’m damn sure I didn’t say anything about not whooping your ass if you carry on trash-talking me. I’ll let that one through the keeper for free, but you better watch yourself in the future, because next time I won’t be so nice about it.”

  “Nice,” Stevie mutters under his breath.

  Fuck that asshole.

  “But yeah, you’ve nailed it, Stevie. London’s this tiny little Pandora’s box of a person, but you take the lid off and boom! There’s an explosive firecracker.”

  She’s kicked my ass like nobody ever has. She had me on the ropes from day one, and I’m not out of the woods yet. I guess I’ve been in my corner tending to my wounds, but now I feel like I have a plan that will get me back into the fight. Skin. In. The. Game.

  That said, as things currently stand, nothing with her is certain. Not even close.

  Fourteen

  “So one of the reasons I called this meeting, apart from spilling my guts to you all like a big crybaby, was to ask for your help. I’m gonna need you to tie up these last few loose ends on the album without as much input from me as you normally have. I need to take care of business elsewhere, you know? I’m going to be focusing on doing everything in my power over the next few weeks to get my house in order, figuratively and literally, so when London comes back from Down Under, she’ll see things have changed and she’ll consider letting me be part of hers and Squirt’s lives.”

  “Wait, who the fuck is Squirt?”

  I look across at Ryan.

  “Well, dumbass, I don’t know if we’re having a boy or a girl, and have no contact with London to start thinking of names either way, so right now, I’m calling this baby Squirt.”

  The boys snicker. I guess it is kind of an ironic name for an unplanned baby.

  “First housekeeping priority is to end this shit show with Marnie once and for all. London is adamant that the split is less about the video and more about the craziness of my life in general. In her mind, the video is just one example of that. She has a point, of course. This shit has been our ‘normal’ for so long that it can be easy to forget how overwhelming it can all be if you’re not used to it.”

  I guess it’s hard for any of us to think about it this way. We’ve been in the game since we were just kids. We basically grew up together in the industry, so this is almost all we know. While we realize it’s not how everyone lives, it’s hard for us to see it through their eyes because it’s been so long since we’ve seen it that way ourselves. It’s not like London is some country bumpkin straight off the bus from Kansas, either. Until her car accident, she was a professional ballet dancer, and like us, she’s toured the world for work. Having said that, I get the feeling that touring with a ballet company and with a band are two very different animals.

  After shadowing us on the tour, I’m pretty sure London’s overall impression of us—with the exception of Jake—is that we’re feral man-whores rampaging around the world doing whatever and whomever the fuck we like. In some senses that’s a fairly accurate view, but in other ways, she’s so far off base, it’s not even funny. Even on a wild day now, we’re so much mellower than we were when we were starting out.

  Jake has his wife and the kids, and is just about ready for retirement, the way he carries on sometimes. Stevie is a changed man now that he’s sober. Luke is… Luke. Ryan has always been way too smart to get into much trouble. Now that I have London, there’s nothing that gets my blood pumping—mostly straight to my dick—more than the thought of being with her. Whenever, wherever, however. Now with little Squirt in the mix, it’s a whole different ball game again. Our worst hell-raising days are well and truly behind us, for sure.

  Of course it wasn’t always like this, and as young bucks on the road, you can be sure we took advantage of all the “delights” that the rock star lifestyle had to offer, and then some. There are stories I could tell London, but never will, that would have her refusing to speak to me for a whole lot of other reasons than the ones she already has. It’s a good thing that what happens on tour stays on tour. As for the shit that happens at home, I guess I’m just going to have to hope she never finds out most of that, either.

  “She said she doesn’t care if Marnie and I did or didn’t get together again after I was with her, but I’m calling bullshit on that. Of course it fucking matters if I cheated on her, and with Marnie of all people. If I can categorically prove that I didn’t fuck Marnie or anyone else after we were together, it’s one more thing going for me instead of against me.” I look around the room. Everyone is listening intently, Luke more so than anybody.

  “I guess that’s going to be life with London—a series of challenges designed to show her I’m not as much of an oxygen thief as I seem to the outside world. At least that’s the way it’s been so far. I guess until she can fully trust me, I need to be prepared to earn my stripes every fucking day. Who knew that all these years of embracing the bad boy thing would eventually come back and bite me in the ass? I guess it’s karma, but if it means I get my girl, I’m gonna pay my dues, no matter what it takes. It’s a small price to pay, right?”

  Jake nods slowly. He’s really the only one who knows what it’s like to work hard to be with somebody. Things between him and Kris haven’t always been easy, but they’re rock-solid now after all these years.

  “Basically, I want to shut the whole incident down and show London that it doesn’t mean shit—it’s just an unfortunate and badly timed blip. Really meaningless, and really badly timed. The sooner we forget about it and move on, the better. The lawyers are on the case as we speak, and I’ve told them to spare no expense and leave no stone unturned
. I want this thing gone so we can move the fuck on with our lives.”

  Luke looks at me as though I just filled his boxers with poison ivy. I hold his stare, daring him to say something—contradict me or question me. He remains silent, clearly valuing his head attached to his body.

  “They’ve brought a private dick in to do some digging, and he has a team of techy geeks who do shit with data that I don’t even understand. He has already tracked her down, so at least we know where to serve papers to when the time comes. The nerds have also unearthed some interesting evidence about the video. It doesn’t look like Marnie was responsible for circulating it—she may have been hacked, and the video leaked. Still, I’m 100 percent sure she was the one who shot it, without my consent. And I can’t stop thinking about the fact that if it weren’t for her and her stupid fucking antics, London and Squirt would still be with me right now. Ironic, really, that London’s the one I want and she’s gone, while I’ve never wanted Marnie and she’s still hanging around.”

  Luke clears his throat a few times, and I shoot a look his way. What’s his fucking problem?

  “Something to say there, douchey?”

  “Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.”

  This should be interesting.

  “Well, come on, dear brother of mine, don’t keep me hanging, I’m all ears. Shoot.” I can see a confrontation brewing, and if I’m not mistaken, it’s going to get ugly. I just can’t work out Luke’s angle.

  “Look, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m wondering if you shouldn’t cut Marnie some slack instead of going all A Few Good Men on her ass with a lawsuit. I mean, it just seems a little harsh after all these years of friendship. Surely there’s a better way to deal with the situation?”

  “Are you for real right now? You’re reminding me about the years of friendship between us? Is that some kind of sick fucking joke? Where were those years of friendship when she was recording us fucking without my knowledge? Or how about when said footage was leaked to the press and drove a wedge a mile wide between me and my woman and our unborn child. Where was our friendship then? What about when I was trying to contact her to talk about it and she completely ghosted me?”