The Living Canvas

by Pepper Winters

  I had no time to question or let shock trickle through my bloodstream.

  I’d been processed.

  It was done.

  I was guided to a small room where more paperwork was presented and signed, a monitoring anklet was locked around my leg, and the terms and conditions of my bail advised even though I had no way of taking them up on their offer.

  With the condemning device strapped to my ankle, the guard guided me back to the holding cell. This time, the icy depressing space was empty.

  “In.” The officer pushed me forward.

  I hissed as my wound twinged. I sat on the metal bench and rested my head in my hands.

  Now what?

  If I couldn’t post bail, would I have to stay here until my trial?

  Would they at least give me a blanket because I was fucking cold?

  Would they let me see my doctor tomorrow like she requested?

  I didn’t even know O’s cell phone number to call and tell her what happened. To make arrangements for Olive. To advise her that Justin would once again have to pick up my fucking pieces so O could run far away from the mess I’d caused.

  Fuck, poor Olive.

  She wouldn’t understand.

  She’d hate me for failing her all over again.

  My grey sneakers would soon be traded for prison shoes. My jeans would become a jumpsuit. My business no longer operational. I would never paint again. Never watch TV with Olive again. Never tell O every answer to her every biting question.

  It’s over.

  I couldn’t catch a proper breath as I accepted that fate had once again fucked me over.

  I’d lost my freedom, daughter, and the love of my life all over again.

  And this time, I only had myself to blame.

  * * * * *

  “Clark, you made bail.” A guard banged his hand on the bars, wrenching my eyes open.

  I hissed between my teeth as I moved too fast, hurting my side. I would kill Jeffrey all over again for some painkillers and a hoodie.

  The guard opened the cell, waiting for me to exit.

  The prison vanished for a moment as my blood pressure dropped. The goosebumps that had permanently decorated my skin increased as my bones complained of being so cold.

  I hauled myself to my feet, fighting a body that craved rest.

  I’d been stupid to think I was cured.

  I wasn’t nearly as healed as I’d hoped.

  Clearing my throat, I moved into the corridor and waited for the guard to lock up. “Who paid my bail?”

  He shrugged. “No one tells me nothing.” Striding forward, he looked back at me. “Come on. I don’t have all night.”

  Following him as fast as I could, I kept my hand on my wound as we entered the foyer of the precinct and I signed yet more paperwork that they shoved under my nose.

  My back prickled as someone came up behind me.

  Someone I knew.

  Someone I owed more than I could ever repay.

  Turning slowly, I held out my hand to shake Justin’s. Half of me wanted to punch him while the other wanted to bow in defeat. “You didn’t have to do that.”

  “I know.” He nodded, his dark blond hair neat and body encased in a suit from work. “But I couldn’t let you rot in there awaiting trial. Besides, I know you won’t run, so it’s not like I’m going to lose my investment in you.”

  We broke contact. “I won’t cost you bail.” I frowned. “How did you find out about it? No way should you have had to part with two hundred grand for my sorry arse.”

  He smiled, heading toward the exit and waiting until I fell into step with him. “You’ve listed me as next of kin. They called and asked if I wanted to post your bail or knew of someone who would.”

  “Why did you do it?”

  “It’s either free your sorry arse or become surrogate father to your child.”

  “I wouldn’t expect you to do that.” I winced. “I’ve already asked so fucking much of you.”

  “So you’re okay with O looking after your kid?”

  “O needs to be free of me. I’ve already hurt her too much.”

  “So your plan is to let O run away and Olive to be packed into foster care?”

  My heart stopped beating. “Fuck, no. But I refuse to put my fuck-ups on others anymore. None of you deserve this. I should’ve handled the situation better. I should’ve—”

  “Look, I’m going to be black and white here, all right?” His eyes flashed. “You don’t have a choice. You need us, mate. Me and O. You need our help. There is nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make us hate you for asking for help. But it does get old when you constantly fight the help we’re trying to give you.”

  I had no reply. I stared at him dumbfounded.

  The first time Justin had shown a spark of temper and he’d put me in my place like a kick to a barking dog.

  He sighed, shrugging. “Sorry, but that’s the reality of the situation. You have no choice but to lean on us, all right? The other shit? It doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past.” His long legs ate up the pavement, his back ramrod straight. “Just focus on getting better. The rest we’ll figure out.”

  I wanted to argue. To tell him I would figure this out without him, but fresh air licked over my skin as we strode through the door and into the night sky, and reality smashed me in the face.

  I was lucky.

  So fucking lucky to have people who hadn’t given up on me, no matter what sort of bastard I’d been.

  Relief tried to worm under my overwhelming guilt.

  I would never take freedom for granted. I would forever be in Justin’s debt. But I also couldn’t justify his sacrifice.

  Why had he put so much on the line after only a troubled year of friendship?

  Who did that?

  Who was that selfless?

  O.

  O is that selfless...and so is Justin.

  Two similar people who’d been lumped with the unlucky job of looking after me.

  My teeth ground as self-hatred wormed through my chest. “You’ve given me time, Miller, and for that I’m terribly grateful. I will cherish every moment I have with Olive, I’ll do my best to repair what I did to O, and I’ll figure out a way to pay you back, but you can’t keep doing this. I’m not your responsibility. I know I listed you as Olive’s godfather but I don’t expect you to adopt her if this all turns to shit. Don’t feel like you’re trapped just because I am.”

  He closed the gap between him and his parked car. Resting his hand on the roof, he scowled. “You’re a friend, Gil. Friends help out.”

  “There’s helping out and then there’s being too fucking generous.”

  “Look, I put myself in your shoes. I thought about how shit I’d feel being locked up when my daughter is too young to take care of herself. I don’t know a hell of a lot of what you’ve been going through, but I know it hasn’t been easy.” He unlocked the black sedan, cracking open the door. “I’m still waiting for that explanation, by the way. But in the meantime, just accept it for what it is. Despite all your efforts, you actually have two friends who care about you. You should be with them until...” His eyes flickered away.

  “Until I’m sentenced.”

  “Pretty much. Yeah.” He waited until we’d both slipped inside, and I’d puffed with pain to fasten my seatbelt.

  He asked softly, “Do you know when they’ll call you to court?”

  I shook my head. “They didn’t say.”

  He started the car and shoved it into gear. “It can sometimes take months for a hearing.”

  Staring out the window, I didn’t reply as my gaze landed on a small group of people with placards walking down the road to the police station in the dark. Streetlights highlighted a banner linked between the two women walking in front.

  A banner that said, ‘Gilbert Clark deserves the death sentence.’

  My heart stopped beating.

  The placards all depicted paint spla
shes and pictures of the girls who’d worn my colours and who’d died because of it.

  The family of the murdered.

  “Shit,” Justin muttered as he stomped on the accelerator and shot in the opposite direction.

  Yep, shit.

  The world was out for blood.

  And I was at their mercy.

  Chapter Thirteen

  ______________________________

  Olin

  UNKNOWN NUMBER: O, it’s Gil. I’ve typed, deleted, and retyped so many messages to you, but none of them sound right. No amount of apologies will be enough. No number of thank yous will ever come close. So...I’ll keep it simple. I’m back home. I saw you arrive at the hospital today with Olive as I was driven away by the police. I tried to get in touch but was refused. I don’t know what the staff told you, but I was officially arrested, booked, and granted bail. Anyway, I just wanted to say, you’re free to travel now. I can look after Olive and figure out another scenario for her before my court date. I’m desperate to see her. Tomorrow, I can pick her up or you can drop her off. Either way, I’m extremely grateful to you for looking after her.

  I re-read Gil’s message ten times, sipping on a glass of cheap supermarket wine, glancing at my bedroom door to make sure Olive stayed asleep and none the wiser.

  I’d never had a message from Gil before.

  The novelty sent shivers down my spine.

  A teenage reaction to flirting and fun when neither of those options was real.

  The wine was to settle my fear over what’d happened to him. After seeing him being driven away in a police car and being turned away at the hospital because he’d been discharged, I’d hid my own concern to protect Olive. I’d taken her to the library and checked out whatever books she wanted—mainly sketching and painting workbooks—and done what I could to distract her.

  After a week of living with her, I’d grown used to her triggers.

  Her bravery was sometimes far too good. She could laugh and joke and seem like any normal child her age. However, there’d be a moment. A fleeting second when her guard would drop and I’d see the truth. The worry over being in public if I’d gotten too far away from her. The bitten lip if a man walked toward us on the street. The jumpiness if someone came up behind us unannounced.

  The fact she could hide her true fears as well as Gil drained me because my instincts took over—just like they had when doing my best to help Gil through his secrets.

  My brain told me to give her space—to watch but not hover, to accept that time would heal her from the worst of being held hostage—but my heart wasn’t interested in giving her space or letting time heal her. My heart wanted to cure her. It wanted her laughter to be true and not some carbon copy of joy. It wanted her to be able to stroll down a supermarket aisle and not freeze in panic if I wasn’t there.

  I sighed.

  Poor thing.

  But at least, she had her father back.

  She could go home now.

  She could bask in normalcy until Gil was summoned for trial.

  Saving his number into my phone, I typed a reply.

  Olin: I’m glad you’re back at home. Did everything go okay with the police? I can drop Olive off tomorrow around mid-morning if that works. She’ll be beyond happy to be home with you. She’s really missing you.

  I inhaled sharply as I pressed send. I didn’t want to go to his warehouse. I still wasn’t prepared to enter the place where Gil had painted me. But I equally didn’t want him in my space, either.

  Dropping Olive off was the best choice because I could leave straight away. If he came here, he might stay...he might try to talk.

  Gil: Okay, great. Thanks. By the way, don’t feel like you can’t keep using my car if it makes your life easier. I’ll figure out an alternative.

  Olin: It was kind of you to let me borrow it to drive Olive around, but it’s yours. I’ll just catch the bus back after I’ve driven her to you.

  He took a long time to reply, as if he was once again typing and deleting multiple responses. My heart flurried as words flashed over my screen.

  Gil: I know it’s over between us but...if you want answers, I can give them to you. I’m done with lies and hiding. I’ll tell you all of it...if you ask.

  My eyes flashed to my bedroom door as it cracked open. Olive rubbed her eyes sleepily, her forehead furrowed with exhaustion. “Oh, good. You’re still there.”

  I tossed my phone onto the couch, climbing to my feet and going to her. She walked into my embrace, squishing her face into my chest. “Of course, I’m still here. I told you I’d keep you safe.”

  She pulled away, looking up at me. “You’re the best, O. My second favourite person after my daddy.”

  “Wow, that’s a great honour.” I smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “And you’re the greatest little girl I know.” Holding her shoulders, I pushed her away until I could study her face clearly. “What woke you? Another nightmare?”

  She dug her barefoot into the carpet. “I thought I heard something. A man.”

  “Nope. Just us.”

  “That’s good.”

  She’d grown used to Justin but not to the degree of our bond. Justin had come over a couple of times with pizza and Thai takeaway. He told kid jokes, brought dessert, and braved through a Netflix program for little girls. He was allowed to touch her shoulder in goodbye and take her dishes into the kitchen, but that was where her comfort level ended.

  If Gil did get sentenced, who would care for her? Who would step up to be the parent she needed—the protector, the artist, and the disciplinarian?

  “Want to know something awesome?” I made my voice bubbly and light.

  Her eyes widened in excitement. “What?”

  My phone vibrated on the couch behind me, signalling a new message had been delivered.

  Gil.

  God, why couldn’t we have messaged each other before? It would’ve made a lot of his secrets easier to share via a faceless text.

  “You’re going home tomorrow. Your dad healed enough to leave the hospital. How freaking cool is that?”

  Olive froze, then pure joy rippled through her. She clapped her hands and spun in place with the biggest grin. “Oh, wow, really?!” She bounced on the spot. “Yay! Yay!”

  I pointed at my bedroom door. “It’s going to be super fun tomorrow, so you better get some sleep. You don’t want to be tired, do you?”

  She turned deadly serious. “You’re right. I don’t want to be tired. I get cranky when I’m tired.”

  “Yeah, me too. Should we go to sleep, and when we wake up, we’ll go see your father?”

  She threw herself at me, planting a wet kiss on my cheek. “Yes, please!” Pulling away, a frown stole her smile. “Wait...you’ll stay with us, right? You’ll come live at the warehouse?”

  I stiffened. “That’s your home. This is mine.”

  “But I like living with you.”

  “You’ll love living with your dad more.”

  Her face fell. “But...I’ll miss you.”

  I hid the dagger she stabbed me with. The dagger of kindness and affection. After living a lonely life, being told you’re wanted was the worst kind of drug because you could swiftly become addicted to it.

  Smiling broadly, I turned her around and marched her back into my bedroom. “You won’t miss me, silly. You won’t even notice I’m not there the moment you’re back with your dad. Now, go to sleep so you have lots of energy tomorrow.”

  Closing the door, I returned to the couch and let out the tangled breath I’d been holding.

  What was it about Gil and his daughter that turned me inside out? How did both of them have the power to reach inside my chest and claim what wasn’t theirs to claim?

  The sooner I leave, the better.

  My phone revealed the newest message that’d come in, flashing in warning as I clicked on it.

  Gil: I have no right to say this after what I’ve done, but I love you, O. I always have. I always wi
ll. I know I don’t stand a chance to fix what I’ve broken, and I’m not asking you to forgive me. I guess...I just wanted to be honest. To finally be honest how it’s always been you. I was in love with you for two years before we even officially talked. I was in love with you the entire time we were apart. And I’m still in love with you, even though I know I will never deserve you. I guess that’s my true punishment. I won’t bring it up again. I won’t make you uncomfortable. But I had to say it.

  Anyway, goodnight.

  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for looking after my daughter. If I know her as well as I think I do, I know she’ll miss you. She’ll ask you to move in with us. She’ll be as in love with you as am I.

  And I don’t blame her.

  I slouched against the pillow, my heart racing, my blood gushing. Tears glazed my vision as I read and re-read his message. A text like that had the power to drop my guard and give me permission to forgive anything and everything.

  It reeked of a promise of love and togetherness and home.

  It made me want to type that I loved him too. That I always had and probably always would. To accept his proposal to become a part of his life, to possibly become his wife, and mother to his child.

  I could have my very own family.

  No.

  Stop it.

  You can’t.

  Our foundations were rotten and full of holes.

  Our walls were riddled with secrets and lies.

  Our trust was torn apart.

  There is no us anymore.

  And it’s for the best.

  Swiping away a tear, I clung to my resolution of being stronger this time. Of not letting my need for company and closeness belittle my own self-worth. Gil had taken and taken from me.

  The small part that was left had to remain mine.

  Olin: Goodnight, Gil. I’ll see you tomorrow.

  My hands shook as I sent the polite message back.

  A message that didn’t just give a generic goodbye but an entire fistful of honesty.

  An ending hidden behind the simple phrase.

  It’s too little.

  It’s too late.

  We’re friends.