by McKayla Box
He sighs. “You could've. I'm sorry you had to sleep on the floor. You could've dumped me there and you could've had the bed.”
“I thought about it.”
He looks at me.
“I'm kidding,” I say. “It was fine. Really.”
He exhales again, then winces. “Jesus. My head.”
“Uh huh.”
He squints like he's trying see something. “Did I get into it with Brett?”
“Yeah.”
He frowns. “Great.”
“Don't worry,” I tell him. “Just apologize. He'll understand. And stay off the fucking pier.”
He looks down at his chest. “I'm probably gonna need a tetanus shot or something.”
“Probably.”
He looks at me. “Presley.”
“Trevor.”
“I love you and I don't want to break up with you,” he says.
His words take me by surprise. It's the last thing I'm expecting to hear.
“I'm pretty fucked up right now,” he says. “I don't mean drunk. I mean fucked in the head. Half of what comes out of my mouth, I don't know where it's coming from.” He looks at me. “I need some time to get my shit together. To deal with this shit. But I love you and I don't want to be your ex-boyfriend.”
I sit down on the edge of the bed. “I can't do the whole crazy, psycho Trevor thing. If you've got more stunts up your sleeve like last night, I'm out. I can't watch you self-destruct like that.”
He shakes his head. “I won't. I know. I'll get it together.”
I put my hand on his arm. “It's okay to be sad. And it's okay to not have your shit together. But it's not okay to scare the shit out of me and Brett and the other people who care about you. Brett said it last night. He's already lost one friend. He doesn't want to lose another.”
He reaches for me and pulls me under the covers with him. He kisses my forehead, then my lips. “I'm not going anywhere. I may fuck up, but I'm not going anywhere.”
I trace my finger along one of the cuts on his chest. “You're allowed to fuck up. Just don't do it on purpose.”
He wraps his arms around me and I snuggle into him.
“You can get through this,” I say. “We can get through this.”
“I know,” he says. “Thank you.”
“You don't have to thank me.”
“Yeah. I do. Bringing me home last night, getting me into bed. After I'd been a complete asshole.” He nods. “I do need to thank you.”
“Then thank Brett, too,” I tell him. “He's the one that texted me. He tried to get you off the pier, but he couldn't.”
“But you did,” he says.
“Eventually. Yeah.”
“I do remember seeing you in the water,” he says. “And I do remember thinking that you were fucking crazy for being out there.”
“Not as crazy as the guy playing Tarzan under the pier,” I say.
He laughs and it's the first time I recall hearing anything resembling laughter come from him in days.
“Do you have to leave?” he asks. “It looks like you were getting ready to go.”
“In a little bit,” I say. “I know my dad is probably worried. I texted him last night, but I'm sure he's still worried.”
“Can you stay just a little bit?” he says.
I kiss one of the cuts on his chest. “Yeah. Of course.”
We lay there for awhile, under his blankets, our arms around one another, neither of us saying anything. I put my ear against his chest and listen to his heart beat.
Last night seems a million years away.
THIRTY FOUR
“That's a wild night,” Bridget says.
We're sitting outside Juanito's. She's next to me, Maddie and Gina across from us. I left Trevor's and went home to calm my father's nerves. To my surprise, he was actually okay. He asked about Trevor and if he was okay. He didn't ask me any embarrassing questions.
Bridget texts while I'm talking to him, asking if I want to get lunch. I respond, telling her I do, and telling my dad I'm going to go get food with them. He seems happy that I'm doing something normal.
Half an hour later, we're all sitting at Juanito's in the sunshine.
“It was,” I say. “But he's okay. No one got hurt. And I think he and I are okay.”
“For real?” Maddie asks.
“I think so,” I say. “It was a momentary...blip.”
“Hurray for momentary blips,” Bridget says.
Gina is picking at the corner of her burrito, but not really eating it.
“Gina,” I say.
She looks at me like she's surprised to hear her name. “Yeah?”
“It's fucking weird when you're this quiet,” I tell her. “I'm not asking you to change, but I want you to know it's weird.”
She smiles. “Yeah. I just...I don't feel much like...me. If that makes any sense.”
“It does,” I tell her.
“I just can't get over the fact that he's gone,” she says. She starts to say something else, then catches herself.
“What?” Bridget asks. “Just say it. Whatever it is, just say it. Get it out there.”
She takes a deep breath. “Please don't laugh at me.”
“Never,” Maddie says. “Not with...this.”
Gina pushes the burrito away, like she can't stand to be near it. “All I keep thinking about is that I should've slept with him. We joked around about it all of the time, but it never happened. And I've had all of these weird thoughts. Like, what if we'd snuck off and we were doing it when Kane showed up? Then he wouldn't be dead. Why did I screw around with him like that? And now I can't change it. I can't tell him that I always thought he was cool and that I thought he was funny and that I really probably would've gotten together with him because even though he teased me, he never made me feel like I had to. It was never like that with him. He never threatened me.” She shakes her head. “He actually probably would've been a great boyfriend. Not just to me, but to anyone. And it just fucking sucks that I can't change any of that.”
Maddie puts her arm around her. “I would never laugh at any of that. Never. I get it.”
“Same,” Bridget says.
I nod. “Yeah. I totally get it. You think there'll be time for everything and then in a flash, it's all gone. You don't get the time. And it's fucking unfair.”
“It really is,” Gina says. “I don't wanna be that girl who makes it about her, but I really miss him. And I just wish I could tell him that. That's all.”
We all nod.
“I always thought you were going to hook up with him,” Maddie says.
Gina pulls away from her. “Seriously?”
“Duh,” Maddie says. “You guys just had the whole back and forth thing down. You can be a real pain in the ass and so could he. But there was kind of a chemistry there. I never thought you disliked one another. I thought just the opposite.”
Gina thinks about that for a moment, then looks at us. “Did you guys think that, too?”
Bridget and I both nod.
“Shit,” she says. “I'm an idiot.”
“No you're not,” I tell her. “It's super easy to look back and think you should've done a hundred things differently. We all miss opportunities when we think things will always be the same. We don't think that something terrible is going to happen and change our lives. We don't operate like that on a daily basis. So we take stuff for granted. We think there'll be time.” I shake my head. “But...that just isn't always the way it works out.”
Gina looks at me. “I don't want to miss more opportunities.”
“Me, either,” I say. “I don't think anyone does. The hard part is trying to live your life like that. Not second guessing decisions. Not talking yourself out of things.”
Gina takes a deep breath and lays her hands on the table. “I promise you guys. From now on, I'm going to do my best to...seize the day. Or the moment. Or whatever the fuck you wanna call it. I don't want to have a ton of regrets an
d I don't want to ever feel like this again. And I know that sounds like it's all about me, but I swear it's not. I really miss Jake, more than I ever thought I'd miss anyone. Maybe it's because he's the first person I know that's died? I don't know. But I also think he'd be making fun of me for acting like this, for being so down. He'd give me shit for that.” She laughs and shakes her head. “So maybe the best way I can keep his memory alive is by trying to remember that I don't want opportunities to slip by.” She shakes her head again. “I'm just rambling now.”
“I get it,” Maddie says. “We all get it.”
Bridget and I nod.
Gina looks at her untouched burrito. “He'd also steal my food if I hadn't eaten it by now.”
The four of us laugh.
She pulls the burrito back toward her and stares at it. She picks it up and takes a bite, then sets it back down on the paper. She swallows the bite and takes a sip of her soda. She tilts her head back and looks up at the sky, squinting into the sunlight. “You see that, Jake? I just ate that for you.”
We laugh again and it's nice to share a laugh with them.
And I know what Gina is trying to get at.
Jake's death has sort of crystallized things for me. I can't be afraid to make decisions because I might not get the chance to make that decision later on. Putting things off, procrastinating, all of that stuff is a surefire way to create regret.
And I'm going to do the best I can to not let things get away from me.
I'm going to school.
I'm going to study oceanography.
I'm going to love Trevor.
I'm going to tell my friends I love them.
I'm going to say yes to more things.
I'm not going to be afraid of any of those things, even if I'm worried about the consequences.
I'm going to live.
“Can I bring up something shitty for a second?” Maddie asks.
We all nod.
“How have they not found that fucker yet?” Maddie asks. “How does that motherfucker just vanish into thin air?”
She means Kane, of course.
“I have no idea,” Bridget says. “I heard that they've been watching his house and that they think he might've gone to Mexico.”
Maddie makes a face. “I don't believe that for a second. This isn't some shitty action movie. And even if he did, how can they not find him? You're telling me he's just gone off the grid since that night? I so don't believe that.”
“I don't, either,” I say. “I feel like he's lurking, waiting for something. I'm not sure what, but it's infuriating that the police can't catch him. Haven't caught him. But I also feel like they aren't doing very much. I mean, I haven't watched much news, but it's not like his face is out there. It's not like there's this giant manhunt. It feels like a thing only we know about. And it sucks.”
The other three nod.
I know that I'm overreacting a little bit. I'm sure that the police are trying to find Kane and I'm sure that he's making it difficult on them. But, for us, it feels more urgent that. We know what he did, we know that our friend is dead, and we know that he's still out there.
And that isn't okay.
“He'll screw up,” Bridget says. “He's not that smart.” She shakes her head. “I know that better than anyone. He's manipulative, but he's so arrogant. He thinks he's smarter than everyone else. And that makes him not nearly as smart as he wants to be. He'll screw up. Or he'll do something dumb.”
I touch her arm just to let her know that I know that it's still hard for her. He tricked her, he used her, and he embarrassed her. That's a hard thing to get over. I know she still feels guilty that she played some part in the video Athena made of me, even though I've told her multiple times it's not her fault. She might want to see him caught more than any of us because she probably hates him more than the rest of us.
“I hope so,” Maddie says. “I really fucking hope so. I hate that it feels like he's getting away with it.”
Gina looks up at the sky again. “Jake. He's not gonna get away with it. We swear he won't.”
I hope Jake can hear her.
And I hope she's right.
THIRTY FIVE
My phone rings as we're finishing lunch, my phone rings.
It's Trevor.
I answer. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he says. “Busy?”
“Having lunch with the girls.”
“Cool. We're gonna do a paddle out tonight for Jake.”
“A paddle out?” I ask.
“Yeah, it's this surfer thing,” he says. “I need to get the word out, but I'll explain later. Can you just be down at the beach at sunset?”
“Of course.”
“Tell the girls, too,” he says. “And bring your board so you can get in the water.”
“Okay.”
We hang up and I walk back to the table.
“Everything cool?” Bridget asks.
“Yeah,” I say. “It was Trevor. He said there's going to be a paddle out for Jake tonight? I don't even know what that means.”
“Oh, I've seen those before,” Maddie says. “Surfers paddle out into the water to, like, pay tribute to someone who's died. The pictures I've seen are beautiful.”
“Well, I guess he's organizing one at sunset tonight,” I tell them. “And he said to tell you guys, too. He's trying to get the word out.”
“Not everyone goes out in the water,” Maddie says. “People stand on the beach, too. It's usually just people who've shared the water with the person being honored that paddle out.”
“That sounds kind of amazing,” Bridget says.
“So you guys are in then?” I ask.
All three of them nod.
“Okay,” I say. “I guess we're going to a paddle out.”
THIRTY SIX
The beach is packed.
We finish lunch and go home. I take care of some stuff related to school that I've been putting off. I answer emails, I fill out forms, I put dates on the calendar. I pick up my room and clean the kitchen. I throw laundry in. I try to be normal for just a little while.
And I mostly succeed.
I have dinner with my dad, tell him I'm going to the paddle out, and that I'll probably be home late. He asks me about the paddle out and I tell him what little I know. He says it's good that we're all acknowledging that we miss Jake and that we're celebrating his life.
I agree.
I change into my swimsuit, pull a T-shirt on over me, throw some clothes in a bag, and strap my board to the roof of my car. I pick up Bridget and when we pull into the lot at the beach, we realize this is a bigger deal than we thought.
Because the beach is packed.
Maddie and Gina pull into the lot and park in the spot next us.
“Wow,” Gina says when she gets out. “There must be three hundred people here.”
“I was gonna say more,” Bridget adds. “Awesome.”
I get the board off the roof and we make our way down the sand.
Most of the crowd is in T-shirts and shorts. But there's a group of about thirty down at the water's edge and they all have their boards. A few are in wetsuits, but most are just in board shorts.
Trevor sees us, says something to Brett, and walks over. “You made it.”
“Told you I would.”
He smiles and it's the first genuine smile I've seen from him in awhile.
I've missed it.
“We're gonna wait a couple more minutes,” he informs me. “Then we'll go out.”
“What exactly do we do?” I ask.
He leans down and kisses me. “You'll see. Don't worry. It'll be cool.”
Ten minutes later, those of us with surfboards are walking into the water. I'm between Trevor and Brett. The sun is just hitting he horizon line and melting into the edge of the Pacific.
I drop onto my board and we paddle out beyond the break. The water is fairly calm and it's an easy swim. When we're a good hundred feet past the waves, Trevor s
its up and whistles. The rest of the people out with us stop paddling and move to form a circle. Once we have sort of a sloppy circle formed, everyone sits up on their boards.
I look around. There are some familiar faces, but there are some I don't recognize. There are several guys older than my dad and that surprises me. I’m not sure why, but it’s a good reminder that I didn’t know Jake that long and really only knew a small part of his life.
“Thanks everyone for coming on short notice,” Trevor says as we all bob up and down in the water. “I’m Trevor.” He points at Brett. “This is Brett. I know most of you already know us, but if not, we were both friends with Jake since we were little kids. We grew up surfing with him and we thought this would be a pretty cool way to honor his life.”
People nod.
“We didn’t want this to be too formal, so we just thought we’d let people talk if they want to talk,” Trevor says. “If you don't want to, that's cool, too. When we're done, everyone is welcome to hang out on the beach. I know some people brought food and that kind of thing, but we just really wanted this to be a celebration and memorial for Jake. The one thing I'd ask that we do is to join hands to form the traditional paddle out circle.”
He holds his hand out to me and to the guy on the other side of him. I take Trevor's hand, then Brett's. Everyone else does the same.
“I can start,” Trevor says, squinting into the sinking sun. “Like I said, I grew up with Jake. We surfed for the first time together.” He nods at Brett. “Brett, too. And I'm not sure there was another day we didn't touch the water after that. Think we were six? Not sure, but it feels like a long time ago.”
A few people laugh.
“Jake was really my brother,” Trevor continues. “I didn't have any brothers or sisters from my parents, but Jake and Brett have been my brothers my whole life. And it's really hard to think about my life without Jake. I'll miss being out here with him. I'll miss eating Mexican food with him. Doing stuff we weren't supposed to be doing. I'll miss having him make fun of me for doing stupid crap. I'll miss hearing his laugh. I'll miss hearing him give other people a hard time.” He smiles. “Probably everyone out here was a target again at some point.”
