Carl Hiaasen Collection: Hoot, Flush, Scat

by Carl Hiaasen

  In the end, Mother Paula’s had no choice but to abandon its plan to put a restaurant on the corner of East Oriole and Woodbury. There were the nagging headlines about the missing E.I.S., the embarrassing resignation of Kimberly Lou Dixon, the TV footage of Chuck Muckle throttling Kelly Colfax ... and, last but not least, those darn owls.

  Everybody was upset about the owls.

  NBC and CBS sent film crews to Trace Middle School to meet with the student protesters, as well as with faculty members. Roy lay low, but he later heard from Garrett that Miss Hennepin had given an interview in which she praised the kids who took part in the lunchtime protest and claimed she’d encouraged them to participate. Roy was always amused when grownups lied to make themselves look more important.

  He wasn’t watching TV that evening, but his mother burst in to report that Tom Brokaw was talking about him and Beatrice on the network news. Mrs. Eberhardt led Roy to the living room just in time to hear the president of Mother Paula’s promise to preserve the Coconut Cove property as a permanent sanctuary for burrowing owls and to donate $50,000 to the Nature Conservancy.

  “We want to assure all our customers that Mother Paula’s remains strongly committed to protecting our environment,” he said, “and we deeply regret that the careless actions of a few former employees and contractors may have put these unique little birds in jeopardy.”

  “What a crock,” Roy muttered.

  “Roy Andrew Eberhardt!”

  “Sorry, Mom, but the guy’s not telling the truth. He knew about the owls. They all knew about the owls.”

  Mr. Eberhardt muted the television set. “Roy’s right, Lizzy. They’re just covering their butts.”

  “Well, the important thing is you did it,” Roy’s mother told him. “The birds are safe from the pancake people. You should feel great about that!”

  “I do,” Roy said, “but it wasn’t me who saved the owls.”

  Mr. Eberhardt came over and put a hand on his son’s shoulder. “You got the word out, Roy. Without you, nobody would’ve known what was happening. Nobody would have showed up to protest the bulldozing.”

  “Yeah, but it all started because of Beatrice’s stepbrother,” Roy said. “He’s the one who should’ve been on Peter Brokaw or whatever. The whole thing was his idea.”

  “I know, honey,” Mrs. Eberhardt said, “but he’s gone.”

  Roy nodded. “Sure looks that way.”

  Mullet Fingers had lasted less than forty-eight hours under the same roof with Lonna, who’d spent most of that time on the telephone trying to drum up more TV interviews. Lonna had been counting on her son to keep the Leep family in the limelight, which is the last place he wanted to be.

  With Beatrice’s assistance, the boy had snuck out of the house while Lonna and Leon were arguing about a new dress that Lonna had purchased for seven hundred dollars in anticipation of appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Nobody from Oprah’s program ever called Lonna back, so Leon had demanded that she return the dress and get a full refund.

  When the Leeps’ shouting reached the same approximate decibel level as a B-52, Beatrice lowered her stepbrother out a bathroom window. Unfortunately, a nosy neighbor had mistaken the escape for a burglary in progress and had notified the police. Mullet Fingers made it only two blocks before speeding patrol cars surrounded him.

  Lonna had been furious to learn her son was up to his old runaway tricks. Out of spite, she told the officers that he’d stolen a valuable toe ring from her jewelry box, and demanded that he be locked up in juvenile detention to teach him a lesson.

  There the boy had lasted only seventeen hours before breaking out, this time with an unlikely accomplice.

  Hiding in the laundry basket with his new best friend, Dana Matherson undoubtedly had no clue that he’d been specially selected to join the jailbreak, that the scrawny blond kid knew exactly who he was and knew all the rotten things he’d done to Roy Eberhardt.

  Being of simple mind, Dana probably had thought only of his unexpected good fortune as the laundry basket was loaded into the laundry truck, which was then driven out the gates of the detention center. Even the approaching sirens probably hadn’t worried him until the truck braked and the back doors flew open.

  It was then the two young fugitives leaped from the smelly bundle of dirty clothes and made a run for it.

  Later, when Roy heard the story from Beatrice, he knew instantly why her stepbrother had chosen Dana Matherson as an escape partner. Mullet Fingers was fleet and slippery while Dana was sluggish and sore-footed, still not fully recovered from his encounter with the rattraps.

  The perfect decoy—that was Dana.

  Sure enough, the police had easily caught up with the big thug, though he shook off two officers before eventually being tackled and handcuffed. By then, Beatrice’s stepbrother was a distant blur, a bronze-colored wisp vanishing into a snarled tree line.

  The police never found him, nor did they search particularly hard. Dana was the prize catch, the one with the rap sheet and the bad attitude.

  Roy couldn’t find Mullet Fingers, either. Many times he’d ridden his bicycle to the junkyard and checked the Jo-Jo’s ice-cream truck, but it was always empty. Then, one day, the truck itself vanished, dragged off and pressed into a rusty cube of scrap metal.

  Beatrice Leep knew where her stepbrother was hiding, but he’d sworn her to secrecy. “Sorry, Tex,” she’d told Roy, “I made a blood promise.”

  So, yes, the kid was gone.

  And Roy knew he’d never see Napoleon Bridger again, unless he wanted to be seen.

  “He’ll be all right. He’s a survivor,” Roy said, for his mother’s benefit.

  “I hope you’re right,” she said, “but he’s so young—”

  “Hey, I’ve got an idea.” Roy’s father jangled his car keys. “Let’s go for a ride.”

  When the Eberhardts arrived at the corner of Woodbury and East Oriole, two other vehicles were already parked at the fence gate. One was a squad car, the other was a blue pickup truck; Roy recognized both of them.

  Officer David Delinko had stopped on his way home from the police station, where he’d received another commendation from the chief—this time for aiding in the recapture of Dana Matherson.

  Leroy “Curly” Branitt, who was temporarily between jobs, had been driving his wife and mother-in-law to the outlet mall when he’d decided to make the brief detour.

  Like the Eberhardts, they’d come to see the owls.

  As dusk fell, they waited in a friendly and uncomplicated silence, though there was plenty they could have talked about. Except for the fence with its fading streamers, the land bore no sign that the pancake-house people had ever been there. Curly’s trailer had been towed, the earthmoving machines hauled away, the Travelin’ Johnnys returned to the toilet-rental company. Even the survey stakes were gone, uprooted and carted off with the trash.

  Gradually the night air filled with the buzz of crickets, and Roy smiled to himself, remembering the boxful he’d released there. Obviously the owls had plenty of other bugs to eat.

  Before long, a pair of the birds popped out of a nearby burrow. They were followed by a wobbly-legged youngster that looked as fragile as a Christmas ornament.

  In unison, the owls rotated their onion-sized heads to stare at the humans who were staring at them. Roy could only imagine what they were thinking.

  “I gotta admit,” Curly said with a fond grunt, “they’re kinda cute.”

  One Saturday, after the Mother Paula’s scandal had died down, Roy went to watch Beatrice and her friends play a soccer game. It was a sweltering afternoon, but Roy had resigned himself to the fact that there was no change of seasons in South Florida, only mild variations of summer.

  And though he missed the crisp Montana autumns, Roy found himself daydreaming less often about the place. Today the sun lit up the green soccer field like a neon carpet, and Roy was happy to peel off his T-shirt and bake.

  Beatrice scored three goals befo
re she noticed him sprawled in the bleachers. When she waved, Roy gave her two thumbs up and chuckled, because it was pretty funny—Beatrice the Bear waving at Tex, the new kid.

  The high sun and the steaming heat reminded Roy of another bright afternoon not so long ago, in a place not so far off. Before the soccer match ended, he grabbed his shirt and slipped away.

  It was a short ride from the soccer field to the hidden creek. Roy chained his bike to a gnarly old stump and picked his way through the tangled trees.

  The tide was very high, and only a weather-beaten wedge of the Molly Bell’s pilothouse showed above the waterline. Roy hung his sneakers on a forked limb and swam out toward the wreck, the warm current nudging him along.

  With both hands he grabbed the lip of the pilothouse roof and hoisted himself up on the warped bare wood. There was scarcely enough space for a dry perch.

  Roy lay on his belly, blinked the salt from his eyes, and waited. The quiet wrapped around him like a soft blanket.

  First he spotted the T-shaped shadow of the osprey crossing the pale green water beneath him. Later came the white heron, gliding low in futile search of a shallow edge to wade. Eventually the bird lighted halfway up a black mangrove, squawking irritably about the high tides.

  The elegant company was welcome, but Roy kept his eyes fastened on the creek. The splash of a feeding tarpon upstream put him on alert, and sure enough, the surface of the water began to shake and boil. Within moments a school of mullet erupted, sleek bars of silver shooting airborne again and again.

  Atop the pilothouse, Roy scooted forward as far as he dared, dangling both arms. The mullet quit jumping but assembled in a V-shaped squadron that pushed a nervous ripple down the middle of the creek toward the Molly Bell. Soon the water beneath him darkened, and Roy could make out the blunt-headed shapes of individual fish, each swimming frantically for its life.

  As the school approached the sunken crab boat, it divided as cleanly as if it had been sliced by a saber. Quickly Roy picked out one fish and, teetering precariously, plunged both hands into the current.

  For one thrilling moment he actually felt it in his grasp—as cool and slick and magical as mercury. He squeezed his fingers into fists, but the mullet easily jetted free, leaping once before it rejoined the fleeing school.

  Roy sat up and gazed at his dripping, empty palms.

  Impossible, he thought. Nobody could catch one of those darn things bare-handed, not even Beatrice’s stepbrother. It must have been a trick, some sort of clever illusion.

  A noise like a laugh came out of the dense knotted mangroves. Roy assumed it was the heron, but when he looked up, he saw that the bird had gone. Slowly he rose, shielding his brow from the sun’s glare.

  “That you?” he shouted. “Napoleon Bridger, is that you?”

  Nothing.

  Roy waited and waited, until the sun dropped low and the creek was draped in shadows. No more laughing sounds came from the trees. Reluctantly he slid off the Molly Bell and let the falling tide carry him to shore.

  Robotically he got into his clothes, though when he reached for his shoes he saw that only one was hanging from the forked bough. His right sneaker was missing.

  Roy put on the left sneaker and went hopping in search of the other. He soon found it half-submerged in the shallows beneath the branches, where he figured it must have fallen.

  Yet when he bent to pick up the shoe, it wouldn’t come loose. The laces had been securely entwined around a barnacle-encrusted root.

  Roy’s fingers trembled as he undid the precisely tied clove-hitch knots. He lifted the soggy sneaker and peeked inside.

  There he spied a mullet no larger than a man’s index finger, flipping and splashing to protest its captivity. Roy emptied the baby fish into his hand and waded deeper into the creek.

  Gently he placed the mullet in the water, where it flashed once and vanished like a spark.

  Roy stood motionless, listening intently, but all he heard was the hum of mosquitoes and the low whisper of the tide. The running boy was already gone.

  As Roy laced on his other sneaker, he laughed to himself.

  So the great bare-handed mullet grab wasn’t a trick. It wasn’t impossible after all.

  Guess I’ll have to come back another day and try again, Roy thought. That’s what a real Florida boy would do.

  Praise for FLUSH:

  “Hiaasen scores again. Fans of spy stories, action, environmental intrigue, and, well, Hiaasen, will cheer for this one.”

  —The Bulletin

  “Enough twists and turns to satisfy even the most serious adventure junkies.”

  —The Horn Book Magazine

  “Features a wacky father, an astute set of siblings and a polluting casino boat.”

  —Chicago Tribune

  “Hiaasen is able to portray the world as flawed, weird, yet sometimes wonderful.”

  —USA Today

  “It’s classic Hiaasen—laugh-out-loud satire in a Florida setting.”

  —Life

  “One of the most enjoyable books around.”

  —The Globe and Mail (Toronto)

  “Good guys, bad guys, dumb bullies, and lots of action with just the right touch of humor.”

  —The Oakland Press

  “Another keeper from an author whose tales know no limits.”

  —The Oregonian

  “A comic eco-thriller with an undercurrent of outrage. The far-fetched plot and nonstop one-liners belie a dead-serious exploration of the messy politics of conservation.”

  —The Washington Post

  “Biting humor, wacko characters, and a take-no-prisoners attitude toward rapacious developers.”

  —Seattle Post-Intelligencer

  “Flush contains Carl Hiaasen’s irrepressible mix of wacky eccentrics, ecological barbarians and heroic underdogs in an entertaining adventure set in steamy Florida.”

  —Financial Times

  “Readers will be hooked.”

  —School Library Journal

  “Outrageous but utterly believable.”

  —St. Petersburg Times

  “Hiaasen has written another winner.”

  —The Charlotte Observer

  “Droll dialogue, quirky characters … extremely amusing.”

  —Voice of Youth Advocates

  THIS IS A BORZOI BOOK PUBLISHED BY ALFRED A. KNOPF

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The legend of the green flash, however, is well known in the Florida Keys.

  Copyright © 2005 by Carl Hiaasen

  All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Alfred A. Knopf, an imprint of Random House Children’s Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

  Originally published in hardcover as a Borzoi Book by Alfred A. Knopf in 2005.

  KNOPF, BORZOI BOOKS, and the colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

  www.randomhouse.com/kids

  Educators and librarians, for a variety of teaching tools, visit us at www.randomhouse.com/teachers

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Hiaasen, Carl.

  Flush / by Carl Hiaasen.

  p. cm.

  SUMMARY: With their father jailed for sinking a river boat, Noah Underwood and his younger sister, Abbey, must gather evidence that the owner of this floating casino is emptying his bilge tanks into the protected waters around their Florida

  Keys home.

  eISBN: 978-0-375-83752-4

  [1. Environmental protection—Fiction. 2. River boats—Fiction. 3. Fathers—

  Fiction. 4. Florida—Fiction.] I. Title.

  PZ7.H495Flu 2005

  [Fic]—dc22 2005005259

  v3.0

  Contents

  Master - Table of Contents

  Flush

&nbs
p; Copyright

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  For the mighty Quinn

  ONE

  The deputy told me to empty my pockets: two quarters, a penny, a stick of bubble gum, and a roll of grip tape for my skateboard. It was pitiful.

  “Go on inside. He’s waiting for you,” the deputy said.

  My dad was sitting alone at a bare metal table. He looked pretty good, all things considered. He wasn’t even handcuffed.

  “Happy Father’s Day,” I said.

  He stood up and gave me a hug. “Thanks, Noah,” he said.

  In the room there was another deputy—a broad, jowly bear standing next to the door that led to the jail cells. I guess his job was to make sure I wasn’t smuggling a hacksaw to my father so that he could break out.

  “It’s good they let you keep your own clothes,” I said to Dad. “I figured they’d make you put on one of those dorky uniforms.”