The Dating Game

by Sandy Barker

  Session? What? ‘Er …’

  ‘Mediation session,’ she adds.

  ‘Oh … yes. Sorry, was quite focused―just a little fuzzy-headed.’

  ‘Mmm,’ she says, holding my gaze a little longer than usual. Oh god, is she suspicious? I glance over at Stevie, who seems absorbed in a WWII drama. ‘Actually,’ says Becca, closing her book and swinging her legs over the edge of the sofa, ‘have you got a sec? I want to ask you about something.’

  This time when I look at Stevie, her eyes flick to meet mine then return to the page. ‘Of course.’ Becca stands and walks out to the patio and I follow. She pulls out a chair at the long table and sits, staring out at the water where Kaz is bobbing about on a blow-up flamingo. I take the chair next to Becca.

  ‘It’s becoming real,’ she says quietly. ‘Or, more real.’ There’s a dead leaf on the table that’s fallen from the eucalyptus tree overhead and she picks it up and twirls it by the stem.

  ‘Yes, agreed.’

  ‘I’m going to be honest with you, Abby.’ Oh, god. ‘I thought I could compartmentalise our friendship and my feelings for Daniel, but I don’t think I can anymore. When I saw the two of you talking this afternoon, before the lunch date … I felt sick, you know. And it suddenly hit me that he could choose you and then I’ll lose both of you.’ She captures the leaf between her fingers, folding, creasing, and snapping it until it becomes a pile of leafy shards on the table.

  ‘You won’t lose me, I promise.’ She glances at me, a furrow between her brows. ‘You won’t.’

  ‘You can’t say that, Abby.’

  ‘Of course I can.’

  ‘Well, no, you can’t―because I don’t think I’ll be able to stand it.’

  ‘What if he chooses you?’ Oh, please let that be what happens. ‘We can still be friends then, right?’

  ‘How? How do you see that happening? I mean, think about our situation. We essentially have the same boyfriend―I mean, we’re both dating him, we’ve both kissed him and told him our secrets, our dreams’ ―only her secrets and dreams aren’t fabrications― ‘and if Daniel and I end up together, how do you envision being friends with your ex and his new girlfriend―or wife even? That’s not normal, Abby.’

  My concept of ‘normal’ is markedly different from what it was a few months ago, something else I can’t share with her. And I will never, ever refer to Daniel as ‘my ex’, that phrase steeped in deep, raw emotions.

  ‘Maybe this conversation is moot and he’ll choose Kaz,’ I say, trying to lighten the mood. It doesn’t.

  ‘Look, I adore Kaz, you know I do―she’s a great chick―but she doesn’t give a flying fuck about any of this. She’s still here because … well, she’ll be fun for the audience to watch and she’s basically making up the numbers. She’s …’

  ‘Entertaining,’ I offer, impressed by how accurate Becca is.

  ‘Exactly. And I love her to bits but she’s not my competition―or yours.’

  ‘What about Stevie?’

  ‘Come on, Abs, Stevie rolls her eyes every time Daniel opens his mouth. She hates him.’

  ‘Hate is a strong word.’

  ‘Loathes? Detests? She doesn’t like him, Abby. It’s obvious she was only brought in to shake things up―the Interloper always is.’ I remain quiet―no sense in arguing a position I know is untrue. Then the irony smacks me in the face, because isn’t that what I’ve been trying to do? Prove to Becca that we can still be friends after The Stag even though, deep down, I know it’s impossible?

  Oh, god, I’m going to lose Becca.

  And, yes, we’ve only known each other a couple of months, but we’ve lived together that whole time, sharing not only a room but this unique experience. We’ve confided in each other. We’ve been a dynamic duo, standing up to bullies, supporting our fellow Does. She’s a ‘great chick’, like she just called Kaz. And when you can count your close friends one hand, a friendship like this is precious.

  But she’s right. When all this is over, no matter the outcome, it’s unlikely we’ll stay friends. Maybe it’s Becca who’ll become ‘my ex’.

  ‘Don’t worry about it, darl. It lasted way longer than I expected.’ Kaz is packing while I watch from the other bed and she has no idea why I’m as glum as I am. As anticipated (and dreaded), neither she nor Stevie received a pin in last night’s Pin Ritual. Stevie’s flight to Adelaide left early this morning and Kaz will be on an aeroplane back to Perth in a few hours.

  ‘I know, I just wish …’ My voice trails off, unable to explain my churning emotions―me, the writer, unable to express myself.

  ‘What?’ She stops folding and eyes me curiously. ‘Something’s up with you. What is it?’

  I exhale slowly. Just like with Becca, if I tell Kaz anything beyond how much I’ll miss her, I’ll be crossing a line. And that could land me―and Jack and Harry―in serious hot water. ‘It’s just … look, when you watch the show, particularly the later episodes, please don’t hate me.’

  She tosses the half-folded T-shirt into her case and sits on her bed facing me. ‘What the hell are you talking about?’

  I shake my head. ‘Never mind. Don’t wor―’

  ‘Spill. You know you can trust me, Abs.’ She’s right. I can and do trust her. And as she gazes at me, her brown eyes lacking any guile or malice, I realise that our friendship may just survive beyond The Stag.

  ‘What can I tell her?’ I ask myself. ‘Nothing, Abby―it’s not worth the risk.’ ‘I’m not really able to say, but―’

  ‘Well, now I definitely wanna know!’

  ‘Really, it’s nothing.’ Why did I open this can of worms? All things considered I would make a terrible spy. I’d be given a state secret and be busting with it before I left MI6, blurting it out to the security guards in the lobby.

  ‘Oh, I know what it is!’ she says. ‘They’ve made you the baddie, haven’t they? Hah, of course! They needed one after the Cruella Sisters left.’ Well, I can’t be blamed if she guessed the truth, right? But before I can answer she throws her head back and laughs. ‘Oh, that’s bloody hilarious.’

  I shake my head. ‘Hilarious? Why hilarious?’

  ‘Because! You’re like the most decent person in here. Well, Stevie’s a sweetheart―Becca too. Hang on …’ Her head tips to the side, the machinations of her thoughts playing behind her eyes. ‘You took a bullet for one of us, didn’t you?’

  ‘How do you mean?’ God, if she were any closer to the truth …

  ‘So, who was it supposed to be? Me? Damn, I wish I’d known. I’d love to be the baddie.’ She punctuates this with a cackle. ‘No, for reals, who? And how did you find out? Actually, never mind,’ she says, leaping up and answering her own question, ‘it’s hardly ASIO around here, is it? I mean, it’s a minor miracle that Daniel doesn’t know we all think he’s a massive dickhead. Well, except for Becca.’

  I’m wondering when she’ll take a breath when she asks, ‘Abby, come on, who was it supposed to be?’

  ‘Becca.’ I expel the name like I’m choking on a hairball. Perhaps that’s what this is―one giant karmic hairball where I’m having to atone for sins I accumulated in a previous life. I must have been the person who invented pyramid selling.

  ‘Holy shit! Does she know?’ asks Kaz.

  ‘No―and she can never know. Ever.’

  ‘No worries. Your secret’s safe with me.’ She resumes packing. ‘Oh, hey, is that why you went off with Daniel yesterday at the Botanic Gardens? You being a baddie?’ She waggles her eyebrows at me.

  ‘Oh, er, no. Actually, it was Daniel who pulled me aside.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘It’s nothing, really.’ Her eyes narrow; she’s dubious. ‘He just wanted to ask me about something my mum said,’ I say, deflecting.

  ‘Oh, yeah, meet the fricking family. I can’t wait to talk to mine. I’ll bet you a thousand bucks my brother gave Daniel shit. He deserves it though, don’t you think?’ What I think about Daniel seems to change daily, even
hourly―Daniel is a massive twat; Daniel is less of a massive twat; Daniel is a massive twat again. Fortunately, Kaz’s question seems rhetorical.

  ‘Ooh, did you have to do those sneaky confessionals where you’re, like, a total bitch?’ I shrug. ‘I neither confirm nor deny these allegations.’ ‘Don’t worry, Abs, I know it’s all a load of shit.’

  This makes me giggle, a welcome release. ‘I really cannot understand why you came on this show, Kaz. I’m so glad you did―truly―but it continues to baffle me.’

  ‘Like I said, best long-service leave ever.’

  ‘Really?’ Now I’m dubious. ‘How so?’

  She stops packing again and counts off on her fingers. ‘One―for sure! I spend ninety-nine per cent of my working life surrounded by blokes and it’s been awesome having you girls to hang out with. Two―this place! It’s fricking gorgeous and I totally lucked out with Ellie leaving two weeks in―my own room, baby! And there’s the eye candy! I mean, come on. Harry is hot! And Tim. And even Jack’s kinda cute in a geeky way.

  ‘Plus, there’s all the cool shit we’ve done and the private beach and the booze on tap. It’s even been nice having a reason to dress up and make an effort. When you spend your days wearing a high-vis vest that clashes with your hair, it feels good to look like a girl from time to time, you know? And it’s so frigging cool that I’m gonna be on TV! I mean, how many people get to say that? Like, hardly any!’

  ‘You have a wonderful way of looking at the world―you’re a true optimist.’

  She shrugs good-naturedly and tosses the rest of her clothes into the case, seeming not to care how wrinkled they’ll be on the other end of her journey. ‘There!’ she says, zipping it up. She checks the clock on the bedside table. ‘Another hour before the car comes. Whaddya reckon? Time for a quick drink?’

  It’s barely even noon but with Kaz, it’s almost always ‘time for a quick drink’.

  ‘What did you have in mind?’

  ‘One of those bottles of white in the fridge isn’t too shabby―the Chardy from Margs.’ I learnt some time ago that ‘Chardy’ is ‘Chardonnay’ and ‘Margs’ is ‘Margaret River’, a wine region in Western Australia. Along with dozens of other words and expressions, I’ve added them to my ‘Glossary of Australianisms’, something I’m thinking of sharing with Anastasia’s readers.

  ‘Or are you more of a Pimm’s girl this time of day?’ Kaz teases, yanking me back into the conversation.

  I chuckle. Doe Abby likely is a Pimm’s girl, but I’ll be happy with the Chardonnay. ‘The wine sounds good. And we should see if Becca wants to join us.’

  ‘Yeah, for sure―get in my final moments of hanging out with you girls. I’m really gonna miss you.’

  I leap up and throw my arms around her, overflowing with affection for my lovely friend. ‘I’ll miss you too.’

  She returns the hug, squeezing tightly. ‘When I get outta here, I’ll track you down on social media or something, ’kay?’

  ‘Sure.’ It’s another reminder that all my worlds and personas are about to collide.

  The Stag in Sydney Recap:

  Hunting season is coming to a close

  by Anastasia Blabbergasted

  Well, well, well, hasn’t this been an eventful season thus far?

  * * *

  As we head towards the finale of The Stag in Sydney, we commence the penultimate episode with four Does, ending it with only two. But before we get to that dramatic conclusion, let’s take a moment to remember (or is it ‘lament’?) those who have departed the Manor.

  * * *

  Our Filler Does, Tabitha and Laura (oh Laura, we will never forget your rather voracious love of all things ‘country’, right down to your cowboy boots and faux western drawl), departed (as foretold) in episode one, followed closely in subsequent weeks by Merrin, our Tasmanian cat lover who was desperate to get home to her pussies, Ellie and her constant companion, Little Ellie (narcissistic much, love?), and dear Elizabeth.

  * * *

  Oh, Elizabeth. Adorable? Yes! But it was clear from the outset that our Lizzie was far too timid for Staggy Daniel. Remember that overly chaste kiss during the cooking class? Rather cringey. There’s more sexual chemistry between Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith on The Great British Bake Off than these two. That said, the Manor’s very own Lady Di seemed utterly crushed when Daniel (literally) sent her packing.

  * * *

  Next up saw the departure of not one, but two Villains―Tara leaving the Manor under less than auspicious circumstances, middle finger raised high and spouting enough foul language to make a surly seafarer blush. It does make one wonder what took place to drive the raven-haired vixen off the premises, but perhaps she decided that she was destined for greater things―like running a ring of pint-sized pickpockets out of inner London à la Fagan from Oliver Twist.

  * * *

  Close on Tara’s heels, Kylie was denied a pin at the next Pin Ritual, though unlike the yin to her yang, she left without so much as a peep, quiet as a little mouse. This did baffle me somewhat considering her … ahem … exploits in body painting, but perhaps her time in the Manor curtailed her predilection for drama. No doubt she’s off somewhere meditating or something (wink, wink).

  * * *

  Justine was the next to depart the Manor and let’s just say, she may have seemed a tad keen to leave. Perhaps she realised Daniel was not the man for her, particularly as she is an ‘Aussie girl’ through and through and relocating to London never seemed to appeal to her. That and she’s a bit more ‘party circuit’ than ‘charity season’.

  * * *

  Surprisingly, the most recent Doe to depart was our original frontrunner for Bride, Daphne.

  Though a shock to the rest of us, it seemed no one was more surprised than Daphne herself. Did you her see hugging Abby after the Pin Ritual, clinging to her like drowning woman clutching a life preserver?! Haven’t those two been at odds since day one in the Manor?

  * * *

  And (ouch), not seemingly satisfied with breaking her heart on (inter)national television, Daniel wanted one last word with the Lady of Stag Manor. Lo and behold, knock me down with an ostrich feather, it was to apologise! Daniel must have seen the error of his none-too-kind ways, having touted the ‘stiff upper lip’ approach to overcoming her panic attack (poor Daphne will likely never want to climb so much as a ladder again, let alone a bridge). It was a tad insensitive, Danny Boy, but well done you for making things right. Well, attempting to, in any case. That apology may have made you feel better but (poor) Daphne couldn’t escape fast enough.

  * * *

  That brings us to the top four Does.

  * * *

  The impossibly beautiful Interloper, Stevie, who not only looks like a Bond girl, she’s an accomplished psychologist to boot! And didn’t the producers get a bang for their buck when she stepped in to help Daphne descend Sydney Harbour Bridge? Typically, a woman like Stevie would induce some industrial strength envy, but she has certainly fit in well with the other Does.

  * * *

  Speaking of ‘fitting in’, surely this season’s Miss Congeniality Award goes to the affable and much-loved, Kaz. Though I picked her as a Dark Horse in my first recap, I really didn’t expect to see her in the top four. Daniel must have realised early on―just like we did―how much fun she was to have around. And haven’t we acquired quite the vocabulary of Australian expressions thanks to our Kaz, the ‘cack’?

  * * *

  Sadly, however, Stevie and Kaz did not receive pins in this week’s Pin Ritual, with Kaz laughing off the rejection and Stevie seeming to accept it in her usual measured way.

  * * *

  And then there were two!

  * * *

  As I predicted, the lovely Becca is still in contention for Bride and if I had to put my money on a front runner―and let’s face it, I absolutely do―it would be our Becca. Not only does Daniel’s gaze follow her about with laser beam precision (perhaps he’s imagining how she’ll l
ook on his arm as they boot about London town), Becca seems to have made the strongest connection with Daniel, their quiet conversations often straining the limits of what the microphones can pick up. (Have you, like me, found yourself leaning in to capture every last morsel of their romantic escapades?) And though she is both beautiful and intelligent, it would be nice if Daniel spent more time complimenting the latter than the former (hint, hint, Staggy Boy!).

  * * *

  Shockingly, the other contender for Bride is Abby. And yes, she was also pipped as a Dark Horse, but her transformation to Villain has been sudden and extreme. Once caring and big sisterly, Abby has taken to snarky villainy so adeptly, my spinning head resembles that pivotal scene from The Exorcist.

  * * *

  And who could have foreseen her OTT confessional?

  * * *

  ‘If only Becca were as savvy as she is academic. She has no idea that I’m edging closer to Daniel or that her “yes-Daniel-no-Daniel-three-bags-full-Daniel” approach is wearing thin. He wants a woman who can challenge him. And that’s me.’

  * * *

  Careful, Abby. If Becca catches even the slightest whiff of your altered loyalties, we may just see a ‘scrag fight’ reminiscent of Actual Homemakers (with thanks to Kaz for this delightful term). It’s one thing to be in competition with your fellow Doe-friend, it’s another when she’s outright out to get you! And perhaps Becca is cleverer than Abby thinks, as I did glimpse a side-eye or two this week.