Joint Venture

by Tey Holden

  Addy choked on her last words and had to pause again. Alex didn’t miss her mother’s reaction. Addy was dying inside as she was speaking. Deep down, she hoped that Alex would never accept the offer. Karen knew part of what Addy would say and was dying inside the house as well.

  “You don’t have to decide immediately, it’s a very difficult decision for someone so young, so take your time. Remember what I’ve always told you. Life is full of choices, and when making a choice the most important thing is to learn to live with the ones we make.”

  Alex was shaken. She kept looking at Addy unbelieving what she was hearing. Addy, however, remained calm. She later said that she felt as if the hand of God was on her shoulder because the calmness with which she spoke in that particular moment was not of this earth and was certainly totally unlike her.

  Alex was pierced. She had the face of one who was about to fall into an abyss of darkness, but suddenly the tears stopped. Although her heart longed a hug from the woman sitting next to her and whom she adored, Alex’s face went blank and unemotional. Addy was taken aback, all of a sudden realizing that she was looking at a replica of Karen’s poker face.

  It was an expression she knew too well and had seen many times over the years. It only meant that she had reached deep into Alex, and that her defense mechanism had kicked in. Seeing that face now gave her a strange sense of comfort. She had always thought it a gift for Karen to be able to control her emotions so well, and now seeing Alex’s face made her happy.

  This is not to say that she didn’t have a moment of fear, since she still didn’t know the outcome of her stunt, but she hoped that her daughter wouldn’t let her down and that the heart of the young girl she had nourished over the years would be there when needed. Today it was needed. “I have nothing more to say, Little Bit, just tell us what you want to do.”

  Alex swallowed. She said nothing and walked into the house, directly past Karen, and went up to her room almost running at this point. In her room she broke down and cried.

  Karen had been watching her from inside the house, and knew that Addy needed some time to recuperate from the chat and that if she went to her now, they would both end up crying. She stepped by the door to make sure Addy could see her. Addy saw her, but didn’t move from the patio swing. Some time passed, and Addy remained sitting by herself outside.

  Karen came out at last and hugged her. “Dinner is ready.” They said nothing and just held each other for a while. “Come on. Let’s get something to eat.” They walked inside still hanging onto each other. Addy went to the refrigerator got a bottle of water and came to the table to sit with Karen. They looked at each other, not knowing what to say.

  Karen broke the silence. “Addy, whatever happens. It will be okay.” Karen’s tone was reassuring, but nothing was good enough at this moment.

  Addy didn’t respond. She didn’t want to talk. She raised her hand and shook it. She didn’t want Karen to say anything. She was practically holding her breath knowing that if Alex didn’t react as expected, she had failed. Karen didn’t say a word. She knew exactly how Addy felt and wished she could offer comfort. But the comfort Addy needed had to come from Alex and not from her. Karen knew that later tonight, Addy would cry in her arms.

  Suddenly, they heard footsteps coming down the stairs. They stared at each other in expectation.

  “May I sit down?” Alex asked

  “Yes, you may.” Karen answered.

  Alex did not sit immediately. She stood and looked at Addy. “I’m not actually very hungry. I just need to talk to both of you.” Since Alex was speaking so formally and had her poker face on, the women braced for the worst. When Karen saw the face, she recognized it and looked to Addy. Addy never took her eyes off Alex.

  “Okay.” Karen responded when she realized that Addy would not. The lump in Addy’s throat wouldn’t allow words, and Karen knew better. The green young eyes were fixed on Addy, cutting her like blades, and Addy was barely holding up.

  “There is no choice for me to make. I think you gave me that choice because you know that I would never choose to go to boarding school.”

  Relief was immediate for the two moms. Addy remained serious, still looking into Alex’s eyes. Karen had a hint of a smile inwardly acknowledging how well poised Alex was, she was truly her pride and joy, even in the worst of moments. Addy nodded, because she could hardly speak. She couldn’t even look at Karen for fear of breaking down. Alex was still fixed on Addy, as if needing to say more.

  “I was in my room not thinking about any choices. I was just thinking about what to tell you.” Alex paused and looked down to the table, then looked up again and continued speaking. “All the kids in my classroom are always talking about how much they hate their parents, and about how they can’t wait to grow up and leave home. They all have mothers and fathers. I’m the only kid in my classroom that doesn’t hate her parents, and they always wonder how come I like to do things with you.” She then looked to Addy specifically and continued, “it’s like what you said bout the view outside, M’Addy. It’s always been there, but you never realized it was the best view in the world until you thought about it. I never, until now, thought about why I don’t feel about my parents like the other kids feel about theirs. Maybe my family is different than the theirs, but I’m the happy one.” She looked at Karen who had totally lost the poker face and was breathing very fast, and then she looked at a very choked up Addy and smiled. “M’Addy?”

  “Yes, Alex?” Her voice, barely a whisper, trembled.

  “I don’t want to be anywhere, but here. I love you, and I love mom. I’m happy here. This is my home and where I belong, and I’d like to stay here. I’m sorry for the trouble at school. It won’t happen again. I will think about how to deal with people, and of ways to handle things.” As she spoke, she looked to both women, then she looked at Addy specifically. “Without fighting.

  Addy breathed deeply, gathered her strength, and smiled. “Come here!” Alex ran to her arms. “We love you so much! We wouldn’t want you anywhere else but here. This house would be very empty without you.”

  Karen got up and knelt in front of them to embrace her family. “We love you,” Karen added.

  “I know, mom.”

  “You do understand that there will be other instances in your life where people will—.” Addy wanted to make sure that Alex understood.

  “I know, and I don’t care, M’Addy. I will not let people make me feel bad for things I feel good about. I won’t. I will never let that happen again.”

  Alex was getting ready to go upstairs, but Addy held on to her. Addy was in tears, but she managed to speak. “Can I have another hug?”

  Alex smiled and crashed into her arms again. This time she cried. “I’m sorry M’Addy. I’m sorry I upset you and mom.”

  “It’s alright, baby. It’s alright, I think Mommy Karen might need another hug too.” Alex looked at Karen and was surprised when she found tears in her eyes. It was very unusual to see Karen cry. The vulnerable Karen was always reserved for Addy. It was so unusual that Alex could hardly believe it. Alex went to Karen and hugged her tight. Karen kissed her on the head.

  “I am very proud of you, little girl.”

  Alex pulled out of the hug. “Thanks, Mommy. I’m proud of you too, of both of you. I better go study now.”

  “Go.” Karen swatted her gently in her butt.

  The minute she disappeared, Addy rested her forehead on her right hand, her elbow on the table. Karen got up and went to her. Addy turned and pressed her head to Karen’s stomach, and Karen raked her hair and kissed her on the head, then knelt in front of her and caressed her face. “You did great, baby.”

  “We have a great daughter, Larsen.”

  Overwhelmed, Karen rested her head on Addy’s chest wrapping her arms around her. “Yes, we do.” Addy held her and they cried in the quiet stillness of the night.

  If there were ever any other incidents with Alex at school, they never heard of them.
Certainly, there was no more fighting. Alex simply lived and handled her life. She was always proud of her moms and never denied the fact that they were lesbians. And if ever she was asked if she too was a lesbian, she gave them the honest truth. “I don’t know. I guess if I am, I’ll know some day.” She found out that people hardly knew how to reply to an honest answer, more so when the answer obviously indicated that whatever she would be didn’t matter to her because either way was fine. People always liked her honesty and openness.

  ***

  A few days later Karen received a phone call. “Yes, I can. When? Tomorrow morning at eleven is fine. I’ll be there.” This had never happened before. The Women’s Imaging Center wanted her to go in again to repeat the mammography on her left breast. She was concerned, but she was more concerned about telling Addy. She didn’t want to worry her, but she had to tell her.

  “Addy, I need to tell you something, but I don’t want you to worry. They say this happens a lot.”

  Addy was very attentive. “What is it?”

  “I have to go in for another check on my mammography. The left breast picture was not right.”

  “That happened to me a couple of times years ago. Don’t worry it’s probably nothing. When do you have to go?”

  “Tomorrow at eleven.”

  “Do you want me to go with you?”

  “Nah! I’ll be okay.” Karen went into the living room a lot more relieved thinking how well Addy had taken the news. Addy was a box of surprises. Sometimes a small thing triggered a monumental response, and then sometimes things Karen thought were important seemed almost casual to her. Karen always preferred the casual treatment. It was Addy’s unfounded fears, and exaggerated concerns she had difficulty understanding.

  She went the next day to the imaging center and got the results that same afternoon. They wanted her to see her doctor. When she told Addy, Addy didn’t look so casual anymore.

  “I’m going with you this time.”

  “Yes, but let’s not panic. This is why we have this torturous thing they call a mammogram done every year, so they can find things when they are still small and can be taken care of.”

  “Yes, I agree. I’ve known many people who have had biopsies and they turn out to be nothing. But let’s not go there yet. I will be going with you though. I want to hear what Tiffany has to say.” Tiffany was the Ob-gyn who had delivered Alex, and the one they always went to for their annual exams. Addy wouldn’t show it, but she was concerned. She also knew Karen, and knew she was putting on the happy face, but that she was already dreading the worst.

  Tiffany talked to them. “Karen, they found a little something and we need to do a biopsy to see what it is. Don’t worry, a lot of times this turns into nothing, but it’s better to be safe and take a look.” She referred them to the surgeon who would perform the biopsy. He was a friend of Tiffany’s and was in the same building where she had her office.

  “He’s good, Karen. You will be in good hands.”

  As they left Tiffany’s office, Karen’s mind was already on overdrive. Addy took her arm, and they walked out hanging on to each other

  Karen’s mind was speeding faster by the second. She thought that this was going to be it for her. She was already thinking whether she would go through treatments, or maybe just accept her fate. She didn’t want to put Alex and Addy through the treatment phases, and then have it be for nothing but to last a few more months. She wouldn’t have that, but she also knew that Addy would want to fight everything until the very end. That night at home, she began to look over her will and became lost in her thoughts. Addy knew this behavior. She had seen it before whenever Karen was under extreme stress.

  “What’s going on with you, Blondie? Come on let’s take a walk to the thinking tree.”

  As they walked, Karen looked at her very seriously. “I’m freaked out, Addy. What if—.”

  “Don’t start! I don’t want to hear any of that!” After she spoke she was quiet for a few seconds. “I’m sorry, Ker. You get on my nerves sometimes with your dreadful thoughts.” They reached the thinking tree and sat on the bench. Addy took her hand and continued to talk. “I know you are scared. I’m worried too. I won’t lie to you. But I would like to think positive and think that all will be fine. We will face this like we’ve always faced everything, together, Ker. Always together.”

  Karen caressed her hand. “I’m not worried about me.”

  Addy rolled her eyes. “Don’t you think I know that? Do you think I don’t know you after all these years? I know what is going through your mind. I know you too well.”

  Karen smiled and kissed her hand. “What if I have to have a mastectomy?”

  “We’ll get through it.”

  “But it won’t be the same. I won’t be complete. It’s not fair to you.”

  Addy looked at her. “Is that what you are worried about?” Addy seemed outraged, she got up and continued to talk while pacing in front of Karen. “Ker, sometimes I can’t believe you! Do you think that kind of thing matters? Honey, this may come as a surprise to you,” she paused and chuckled, “it’s not your tatas that have kept me here all these years! If that had been the case, I’d consider myself a total loser!” Addy proclaimed still joking. She wanted to lighten up the mood, and she was achieving her purpose because Karen was grinning. “I don’t want to burst your bubble, but those tiny things you call breasts, are not your greatest attribute.” She chuckled again. She was also trying to minimize the importance of that part of Karen’s body.

  Karen continued to grin. “Thanks for making me feel so good about my tiny things.”

  “Ker, what I’m trying to say is that you are a whole package. I love the whole of you and nothing will ever affect that. Nothing, baby! Can’t you understand that?”

  Karen nodded. “It could be worse.”

  “Oh! Here comes more dread. Give it to me!” She sat again. “Yes, it could always be worse. And we could get struck by lightning right here, right now, under this tree, or better yet this tree could fall on us, or an airplane engine may fall from the sky right now! What I’m trying to say, Ker, is that nothing is ever guaranteed and that we have to take each day with whatever it brings.”

  “Okay, baby. Okay.”

  “I will go with you next week for the biopsy. And we’ll take it from there. Now come here. Let me hold you.” Addy could feel the tension in Karen’s body. It was always the same whenever she felt helpless when facing certain situations.

  That night, neither one of them slept well. They’d woken up many times to snuggle, kiss and caress each other. At one point in the middle of the night, Karen got up. She was looking out the window into the dark sky, when she felt Addy come behind her.

  “Sorry, Addy, didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “I was not asleep.” She wrapped her arms around Karen’s waist and placed her face on Karen’s shoulder blade.

  “We’ve had a great life, Addy. You’ve made me happy.”

  “Ker, stop the nonsense, or you’ll make me cry, please. I think that you’ll live longer than I will. I really do, so stop this shit! You are getting ahead of things without knowing all the facts. This will be nothing, you’ll see.” Addy assumed a tough position because she was about to break down. Karen turned and could not hold her any tighter. “Okay, okay.” They kissed and cuddled back into bed.

  Karen thought that if it was cancer, she would have a mastectomy. It would be terrible, but not the worst. But what if the cancer had spread? She’d have to go through all the chemo and radiation treatments and in the end, it might not make a difference. The thought of putting Addy and Alex through all that was agonizing, and then what if after doing everything the inevitable happened? The thought of leaving Addy on her own was pure torture. She had always felt her responsibility was to protect her family. Deep down she knew that Addy was a strong woman, and that Alex would always be fine with her, she was certain of that. But she feared she might not be around to see Alex grow up into a woman
, and that she would not be around to love and care for the one she loved more than her own life, her Addy.

  There were times during the next few days, when Karen needed to cry, but didn’t want Addy to see her, so she cried in the shower. Addy found her a couple of times in the shower and got in with her, clothes and all. “I love you, Addy. Why did I have to love you like this? Why did you have to be the very best always? And why do you love me? You don’t even like my breasts!” Then they laughed and kissed. “You’ve made me laugh through life, Addy. I’ve often wondered what my life would have been like without you, and I thank God every day for bumping into you that the day at the gym. There wouldn’t even be Alex if it weren’t for you. I had her for you, and she’s turned out to be our greatest achievement. She’s yours Addy, she’s the gift of my love for you. Don’t you ever forget that! She’s a part of me that you will always have.”

  “Look at me, all dressed and wet in here, this is why I love you, you make me do crazy things!” Karen laughed even harder. “Help me take off my clothes. Let’s make the most of this shower.”

  ***

  The day of the biopsy, they dropped Alex off at school and then continued to the hospital, it was an outpatient procedure. When Alex asked why they were both taking her to school, they told her that Karen was going to have some tests done and that James was going to pick her up after school. Alex accepted the reply as given, but something told her that there was more going on than they were willing to share at the time. She thought eventually they would let her know whatever she needed to know. Karen looked back and saw her reflection in the face of the young one sitting on the back seat. It was almost incredible how much they looked alike. She exchanged a smile with her daughter, then looked at Addy and back to the road.