by Bree Wolf
Nathan swallowed. “And what was that?”
“That you had your heart broken,” she said and her brows rose as though daring him to contradict her, “before we even met.” A soft chuckle left her lips. “I never had a chance, did I?”
Nathan didn’t know what to say.
“But it all happened the way it was supposed to happen,” she said then, warmth and joy glowing in those deep blue eyes. “If you hadn’t sent me away, I would never have met the love of my life. You gave me a wonderful son and, although it pained me once, I no longer regret the turn my life took back then.” A deep smile came to her face. “I’m happy now.”
“I’m glad for it,” Nathan replied, relieved to hear that he had not ruined her life as he’d feared. “I came to speak to you today.”
“So I heard.”
“I wanted to apologise,” Nathan told her, and once again Blair’s little face popped into his head. “I’m sorry for the way I wronged you. You and Collin. You did a wonderful job raising him, and I’m so relieved you two are happy. I always worried, but I never dared to ask.”
“Thank you,” she said. “It feels good to hear you say it, to know that there’s a caring heart inside that cold exterior you often portrayed.”
Nathan couldn’t help but drop his gaze. “Your brother was furious with me, why aren’t you?”
Kara shrugged. “Life is too short to hold a grudge.” Nathan smiled, and her eyes narrowed in thought. “You don’t look miserable anymore,” she observed. “May I ask who she is?”
Nathan’s jaw dropped.
Kara chuckled. “Don’t let her get away or you’ll regret it for the rest of your life; but I think you know that.”
Nodding rather like a fool, Nathan stepped away as Ainsworth, Mr. Brewer and Collin joined them in the foyer. While Ainsworth contented himself with casting Nathan another lethal glare before striding out toward their waiting carriage, Mr. Brewer offered him a polite few words of farewell; then he ushered his family out the door. Nathan stood in its frame and watched them walk down the front steps and then enter their carriage.
A moment before the carriage finally rolled out of sight, Collin’s little face appeared from behind the curtain. His eyes looked directly at Nathan and, without thought, Nathan waved to him.
It was such a normal gesture that he couldn’t help but laugh.
For a long time, Nathan simply stood in the doorway, his gaze directed at nothing in particular as he replayed all that had happened that day. It had been one day, and yet, it had changed his life in every way. There was hope now. Possibility. The chance for a future he’d never even allowed himself to long for this past decade. There were Maggie and her children. His childhood friend, Robert. And Collin.
“My son,” Nathan whispered as he watched the sky behind the tall townhouses of his neighbours slowly darken. “I spoke to my son.” The words were utterly overwhelming, but they painted a smile on his face that felt even stronger for it was so unexpected.
Nathan could not say what the future would hold, but after today he felt somehow liberated. Freed of the burden of his past. And he vowed he would never make mistakes like these ever again.
They’d already cost him too much.
They’d cost them all too much.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Mother & Son
Rushing after Niall, Maggie was relieved to see that her son was heading toward her brother’s townhouse. After all that had happened today, including Collin’s disappearance from his home, Maggie had feared that Niall would feel inspired to react in a similar fashion.
And so only when she saw him hasten up the front stoop and then disappear inside, Maggie slowed her steps, relieved that Blair had been able to keep up with her frantic pace.
“Today was a good day,” her little daughter commented, her eyes raised to look at her as Maggie dropped her gaze.
“Was it?” she asked, with a heavy sigh. Her heart was constantly torn in a multitude of directions that she hardly knew what she felt.
Blair nodded. “‘Tis not good to keep secrets, and perhaps now Niall will share his own.”
“His own?” Maggie asked with a frown. “What secrets?”
Blair shook her head. “That’s not for me to say. Ye’ll need to ask the right questions.”
Maggie smiled at her daughter. “Ye knew we would find Collin at the park, did ye not?”
Blair nodded, the hint of a mischievous grin on her face.
Maggie frowned, trying to piece together all the small steps that had led them to this point here, now. “Did ye know Collin would overhear Nathan speak to his uncle?”
Her daughter’s nose crinkled in thought. “Some things are difficult to see.” They climbed up the front steps side by side. “Everything moves. Each step we take changes things.” The door opened and Robert’s butler allowed them inside. Blair’s chin rose and she turned to look at her mother. “But I’d hoped.” A deep smile came to her face before she skipped down the hall, a soft melody on her lips.
Stepping into the hall, Cecilia smiled as she looked after Blair, who skipped past her with a friendly wave. “I hope you had a nice picnic,” she said to Maggie, a curious gleam in her pale eyes.
Maggie sighed. “A most informative one.”
Cecilia nodded, the look on her face suggesting that a thousand questions were at the tip of her tongue held back by a deep sense of compassion. “You look tired. Would you like some tea?”
Maggie smiled at her sister-in-law. “I’d love some, but first I need to try and speak to Niall.” She squeezed Cecilia’s hand. “I’ll find ye later.”
Smiling at her, Cecilia nodded. “I think he’s outside. I saw him disappear around the hedge in the back.”
Thanking her sister-in-law, Maggie went outside in pursuit of her son.
The sun already sat lower in the sky, but its warm rays still lingered, casting a golden glow over the world. Each step took Maggie deeper into the small, green oasis of the gardens, and the soft trills and chirps around her made her heart yearn for the green hills of Scotland.
Indeed, she could not imagine ever living anywhere else again. Would that fact alone forever stand between her and Nathan? Not considering all the others that made a life together seem impossible?
Coming around the corner in the back, Maggie found her son once more seated on the small stone bench, his hands dangling between his knees and his head bent. Utter sadness engulfed her heart at the sight, and she inhaled a fortifying breath, remembering her daughter’s words. But what were the right questions?
“May I sit with you?” she asked softly.
Not looking up, Niall shrugged.
Gently, Maggie lowered herself onto the bench next to him. “A lot happened today,” she began, uncertain what to say. She wished she could look into his eyes to at least glimpse the emotions currently twisting and turning in his little heart; but Niall kept his gaze averted. “I feel overwhelmed, and I dunna know what to think. My heart and mind feel heavy somehow. I wish I knew what to do.” Slumping against the backrest of the bench, Maggie felt a small weight lifted off her shoulders.
Indeed, it felt good to voice one’s own confusion in the simplest of words. To be truthful as much as one could.
Niall sighed, and Maggie could not help but think that it was not only in acknowledgement of what she’d just said, but also in agreement.
“Did Blair tell ye why she wanted to go to the park today?” she asked Niall.
For a long moment, her son remained utterly still like the stone bench he sat on. Then he softly shook his head.
“She seems a bit like a puppet master, that sister of yers,” Maggie said with a chuckle. “She seems to have all the answers, never uncertain. I wish I could feel like that.”
Niall leaned back and then pulled up his legs, his feet coming to rest on the seat, his chin settling on his knees as his arms wrapped around his legs, holding on tight.
Maggie sighed. “What…what Nath
an said today,” she couldn’t bring herself to call him Lord Townsend for despite the distance the past ten years had forced on them, he still felt like her other half, “it hurt ye, didna it?”
Niall’s arms tensed on his legs, and he lowered his head, his forehead coming to rest on his knees.
Maggie swallowed. “I need ye to know that…that I wouldna have married yer father, had I not loved him.” If only she could have fallen in love with him. “He wasna simply someone who replaced the man who held my heart. Ian was a dear friend to me. Someone utterly special. He was a wonderful father to ye and to Blair. Ye know that. And I was grateful to have him by my side all these years. I only wish I could’ve made him happy. He woulda deserved that.” Her eyes filled with tears as they swept over her miserable child. “I couldna give what I didna have. Niall, I’m so sorry. I made mistakes, but I never meant to hurt anyone.”
A small sob escaped Niall’s tight control, and she saw his fingernails almost dig into his arms.
“Oh, mo chridhe,” Maggie mumbled and without thought she reached out to pull her child into her arms.
At first, Niall stiffened, holding himself apart, unwilling to surrender. But then his resolve lessened and he sank into her arms, his own still tightly wrapped around his legs. Maggie could feel his chest rise and fall with each soft sob and his tears drop onto her hands as she brushed his wild auburn curls from his face. “I’ll always be yer mother, mo chridhe. Always. And I want ye to tell me what lives in yer heart so I can help ye. Please, dunna shut me out. Tell me what makes ye so sad.”
One little hand loosened its hold and reached out to grasp hers. Still, Niall’s lips remained sealed as he clung to her, allowing her to comfort him. Maggie wished he would confide in her, but it seemed she’d not asked the right questions.
In fact, she’d not asked any questions at all…for she thought she knew the answer. Niall was grief-stricken over his father’s loss, was he not? And he considered her connection to Nathan a betrayal, was that not what he’d said? Was that not what put such utter sadness into his eyes? Or was she missing the point? Was there something else he simply could not say?
Holding her son tightly in her arms, Maggie began to hum an old lullaby, reminding herself that Rome wasn’t built in a day. She would need to be patient and reach out a hand to her son again and again. After all, he’d taken it today.
He would again.
And one day, he would look up and meet her eyes and then she would know what plagued his little heart.
Chapter Twenty-Six
No Excuses
“But then you can marry him!” Claudia exclaimed, her eyes wide with joy as she leaned forward to grasp Maggie’s hand. “Isn’t that what you’ve always dreamed of?”
Swallowing, Maggie squeezed her friend’s hand in return. Then her gaze drifted over the garden where she spotted a child’s head bob up here and there among the bushes. Claudia’s eldest, Aiden, as well as her own two children were playing hide-and-go-seek with Sophie and little Robbie. Their laughter felt wonderful and soothed Maggie’s soul; still, whenever her eyes fell on Niall she could not help but feel that his joy shone in a dimmer light than that of the others.
“Then why do you look so glum?” Claudia enquired, a hint of reproach in her voice as she sat back in her chair, her gaze rather unsettling as it rested on Maggie. Indeed, she looked like a very determined scientist thoroughly inspecting a rather odd specimen. “Although I admit you’ve never said as much, it’s been quite obvious that you’ve been in love with this Lord Townsend all your life.” Before Maggie could say anything, Claudia threw up her hands. “Don’t you dare deny it! Yes, I thought him the devil until only a few minutes ago, but having become aware of the circumstances of your separation, I can only say, seize this chance or you will forever regret it.” Her eyes were gentle now. “Maggie, you’ve longed for him for more than ten years.” Frowning, she shook her head. “Why are you not happy now? What’s changed?”
Letting her head roll back, Maggie closed her eyes. “So much happened yesterday that I dunna quite know what to think.” Had it only been yesterday morning that Nathan had come to see her? That she had learnt that he had never married?
“Is it Niall?” Claudia asked, a small grin coming to her lips when Maggie’s head snapped up to stare at her. “Don’t look so surprised. The boy has a stare that can burn you into the ground if you’re not careful.” She chuckled softly. “He feels betrayed, does he not?”
Maggie nodded, slumping back into her chair. “He blames me for Ian’s death, for his misery, for everything that happened. How can he not?”
“He’s hurt,” Claudia counselled. “He doesn’t mean it. You need to give him time. You’ll see, before long, he’ll−”
“But what if he doesna?” Maggie interrupted as bitter disappointment surged through her. “What if time doesna matter? What if he’ll always feel as he does now?” Shaking her head, she forced back the tears that pricked the backs of her eyes. Would this never stop? “I canna hope again and then have it all fall apart.” Shaking her head, Maggie stared at her friend, wishing there was something Claudia could say to make this pain go away. “I’ll not survive if I dare open my heart to this chance again and then have the door slammed shut after all.” She dabbed her fingers at her eyes to stem the tears that had formed against her will. “I’ve lived without Nathan for over ten years; I can do so again for a few more.”
“For a few more?” Claudia asked with a dark frown. “You sound like an old woman, contemplating her last years on this earth.” Her hand grasped Maggie’s. “Maggie, you have half your life ahead of you, can you truly live it knowing what you could’ve had?”
Maggie shot to her feet, her hands flying up to settle on her hips. “And what will ye have me do? Betray my son?” Her lips pressed together into a thin line as she shook her head. “No, I canna do that. I know how that feels. My mother betrayed me, and it ruined my life. It ruined Ian’s life. It−” Burying her face in her hands, Maggie wept, unable to hold back the tears any longer.
“What are you afraid of?” Claudia asked as she walked over, then gently drew Maggie into her arms. “There’s something you’re not saying. I can see it in your eyes. Tell me.”
Holding on to her friend, Maggie let her tears run freely down her face as her heart ached within her chest, torn in half by two lives, two paths that simply wouldn’t walk hand in hand. “If my mother hadna lied to me, I would never have had Niall and Blair.” She looked up, seeing Claudia’s face slightly blurred through a curtain of tears. “How can I regret the life I’ve had? How can I wish for−?”
“Stop!” Claudia ordered, her blue eyes shimmering with a steely determination as she grabbed Maggie by the shoulders and gave her a shake. “There is no point in thinking about what would have been, what you would have done differently, what you could have had. None! You cannot change what happened so there is no point in dwelling on all that could have been but never was.” She inhaled a deep breath, and her voice grew gentler. “You cannot undo your past, but you can learn from it. Believe me, I know regrets. I know how all-consuming they can be. But in the end, they serve no purpose but to remind us what it is that we want.” A soft smile came to her lips. “What do you want, Maggie? And be honest.”
Oh, how long had it been since Maggie had last asked herself that question? She hadn’t dared for she’d known the answer would only serve to hurt her. And so she had pretended. She’d willed herself to believe that all was as it should be.
But her children had known. They’d seen the truth, had they not?
Remembering the conversation Blair and Niall had had with Collin only the day before, Maggie realised that as much as she’d tried to shield her children, her lies had hurt them as much as her mother’s lie had hurt her. But no more! The lies had to stop!
“I want to be happy,” Maggie whispered in a hushed voice as though revealing something utterly shocking.
Claudia smiled at her, and her hands
moved from Maggie’s shoulders to grasp her hands. “And what do you need to be happy?”
“My children,” Maggie replied on a sob. “My family…” Claudia’s brows rose, daring her to finish the thought. “And Nathan.” She nodded her head up and down, afraid the words alone would not suffice. “I want him, Claudia. I’ve always wanted him.”
“Good.”
“But−”
“No buts,” Claudia insisted sternly. “I’m not saying you can simply have what you wish for, but before you can do anything else, you need to admit to yourself what it is you want.” Her hands squeezed Maggie’s. “Share this with your children,” Maggie tensed, “and ask them for their hopes and wishes in return.”
“But−”
“No! Niall has a right to be angry, and you need to listen to him. Acknowledge how he feels, and don’t excuse everything that happened. Give him time.” An encouraging smile came to her face. “You cannot have all you want this very day, but if you’re patient, the day will come when all you wish for will no longer seem so impossible.”
On a sigh, Maggie sank into her friend’s arms, grateful for Claudia’s counsel. Indeed, with all that had happened, Maggie had begun to feel trapped in a vicious circle of regret and guilt. She’d been so focused on what had gone wrong, on what could not be that she’d forgotten to see the possibilities. Aye, Niall was furious with her. He felt betrayed and hurt, but that was today.
Who knew what tomorrow would bring?
Had he not already taken a step toward her? Had he not allowed her to comfort him? Had he not turned to her in his time of need?
Indeed, he had and that thought gave Maggie hope.
Perhaps there was hope for all of them. Not only for herself and Nathan. But also for her children and Collin as well. He had seemed quite frightened the day before at Hyde Park, but also deeply determined to find the answers to the questions that plagued him. After packing up their picnic, they’d taken him to Nathan’s townhouse and, for a moment, Maggie had stood out on the kerb, wondering about the lives they’d lived and where they’d brought them.
