Human Croquet
Page 32
Colder and colder. One day, the last bird sings its feeble farewell and drops like a stone. On another day the final leaf falls and no more buds come. In the beginning was the word, but at the end there is only silence.
I am the storyteller at the end of time. I know how it ends. It ends like this.
‘Ah see ye not that broad broad road
That lies by the lily leven?
O that is the way of wickedness,
Tho some call it the road to Heaven.
‘And see ye not that narrow road,
All beset with thorns and briers?
O that is the way of righteousness,
Tho after it but few enquires.
‘And see ye not that bonny bonny road,
Which winds about the ferny brae?
O that is the road to fair Elfland,
Where you and I this night maun gae.’
From ‘Thomas the Rhymer’, Anon
A GOOD GAME FOR A PARTY
A game which provides little exercise, but plenty of laughter, is Human Croquet. A large number can take part, and no previous experience at all is required.
First the ‘hoops’ must be placed in position – scattered about the field, in approximately the same fashion as for real croquet. Each hoop consists of two people who stand facing each other, with hands clasped and arms raised so as to make an arch under which another person can walk. It will not be necessary for the hoop to remain in this position all through the game; it is quite enough if the two people assume it whenever a player is wanting to pass.
Each ‘ball’ is a person who is blindfolded, and who does not move except when ordered to.
Finally, there are the ‘players’, each in charge of a ‘ball’.
As far as possible the game follows the style of ordinary croquet. Each player has one stroke in turn, and is allowed an additional one when his ball passes through a hoop or hits another ball.
To begin the play the first player gets his ball on to the starting line, standing behind him gripping his arms, and aims him at the first hoop – which of course the ball cannot see. Then the player says ‘Go,’ and the ball trots forward, until his owner calls ‘Stop.’ If the ball has passed through the hoop another ‘stroke’ is allowed; if not, the second player makes his attempt.
Every ball must run in a straight line, and must promptly stop when ordered. When two balls collide the one that is struck stays where it is, but the other is given another ‘stroke’, and ordered off afresh. No player may speak to his ball while it is in motion, except to stop it, nor touch or re-direct it in any way.
That player wins who first gets his ball through all the hoops, in their proper order, and back to the starting line, or to a post at the middle of the ‘court’.
Interest and fun is added to the game if each player and his or her ball are made to wear some distinguishing colour – either ribbon or hat or rosette, so that couples are more obviously linked.
Hoops must never move from their stations, and must give no indication of their whereabouts to oncoming balls. When one game has been played the players and balls exchange roles.
Playing Human Croquet, showing how two players link hands
to form hoops. Other players, blindfolded, are balls.
WHEN WILL THERE BE GOOD NEWS?
Kate Atkinson
‘Genius . . . insightful, often funny, life-affirming’ Sunday Telegraph
In a quiet corner of rural Devon, a six-year-old girl witnesses an appalling crime. Thirty years later the man convicted of the crime is released from prison.
In Edinburgh, sixteen-year-old Reggie, wise beyond her years, works as a nanny for a G.P. But her employer has disappeared with her baby, and Reggie seems to be the only person who is worried. Across town, Detective Chief Inspector Louise Monroe is also looking for a missing person, unaware that hurtling towards her is a former acquaintance - Jackson Brodie - himself on a journey that is about to be fatally interrupted.
‘Funny, bracingly intelligent. . . Kate Atkinson is that rarest of beasts, a genuinely surprising novelist’ Guardian
‘An exhilarating read. Her wry humour, sharp eye and subtle characterisation are a constant joy’ Daily Mail
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EMOTIONALLY WEIRD
Kate Atkinson
‘Funny, bold and memorable’ The Times
On a peat and heather island off the west coast of Scotland, Effie and her mother Nora take refuge in the large mouldering house of their ancestors and tell each other stories. Nora, at first, recounts nothing that Effie really wants to hear, like who her father was - variously Jimmy, Jack, or Ernie. Effie tells of her life at college in Dundee, the land of cakes and William Wallace, where she lives in a lethargic relationship with Bob, a student who never goes to lectures, seldom gets out of bed, and to whom the Klingons are as real as the French and the Germans (more real than the Luxemburgers). But strange things are happening. Why is Effie being followed? Is someone killing the old people? And where is the mysterious yellow dog?
‘A truly comic novel - achingly funny in parts - challenging and executed with wit and mischief Meera Syal, The Express
‘Sends jolts of pleasure off the page . . . Atkinson’s funniest foray yet... it is a work of Dickensian or even Shakespearean plenty’ Catherine Lockerbie, The Scotsman
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NOT THE END OF THE WORLD
Kate Atkinson
‘Moving and funny, and crammed with incidental wisdom’ Sunday Times
What is the real world? Does it exist, or is it merely a means of keeping another reality at bay?
Not the End of the World is Kate Atkinson’s first collection of short stories. Playful and profound, they explore the world we think we know whilst offering a vision of another world which lurks just beneath the surface of our consciousness, a world where the myths we have banished from our lives are startlingly present and where imagination has the power to transform reality.
From Charlene and Trudi, obsessively making lists while bombs explode softly in the streets outside, to gormless Eddie, maniacal cataloguer of fish, and Meredith Zane who may just have discovered the secret to eternal life, each of these stories shows that when the worlds of material existence and imagination collide, anything is possible.
‘I can think of few writers who can make the ordinary collide with the extraordinary to such beguiling effect... left me so fizzing with admiration’ Observer
‘Exceptional . . . sharp, witty and completely compelling’ Daily Mail
‘An exceptionally funny, quirky and bold writer’ Independent on Sunday
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Table of Contents
HUMAN CROQUET
Contents
BEGINNING
STREETS OF TREES
PRESENT
SOMETHING WEIRD
WHAT’S WRONG?
PAST
HALF-DAY CLOSING
PRESENT
LEAVES OF LIGHT
A BABY!
PLEASE LOOK AFTER ME
PAST
BACKWARD PEOPLE
PRESENT
EXPERIMENTS WITH ALIENS
PAST
THE FRUIT OF THIS COUNTRIE
PRESENT
EXPERIMENTS WITH ALIENS (Contd.)
THE ART OF SUCCESSFUL ENTERTAINING
KILLING TIME
PRESENT
MAYBE
THERE IS ANOTHER WORLD BUT IT IS THIS ONE
PAST
THE BONNY BONNY ROAD
NO BABY!
PRESENT
THIS GREEN AND LAUGHING WORLD
PAST
THE ORIGINAL SIN
FUTURE
STREETS OF TREES
A GOOD GAME FOR A PARTY
WHEN WILL THERE BE GOOD NEWS?
EMOTIONALLY WEIRD
NOT THE END OF THE WORLD