The Great Ex-Scape

by Jo Watson

  “Shit!” I turned back to the bar as quickly as I possibly could. “This is a swingers’ convention. We are on the wrong yacht!” I whispered over at Alex, who still seemed to be totally oblivious to what I was saying.

  “Let me paint a very clear picture for you then, Alex,” I said, leaning over to him and gently placing my hand over his for added emphasis. “The people who have come on this cruise are swingers. Not from trees, or ropes or even on swings—unless they’re sex swings—they have sex with each other. Partner-swap. Drop their keys in a bowl at the door.”

  Alex’s face still looked blank, still processing and absorbing this information. I tapped his hand, hoping the movement would help him along. And then he laughed. Shook his head and smiled at me.

  “Nonsense,” he said, “that couple over there is too old fo—” He turned and looked at them, and then as fast as I’ve ever seen anyone move their head, his eyes were back on me. Wide as saucers. “She has her breast out.” He reached for his drink and sipped it.

  “She’s not the only one,” Julian chuckled. “Look around.”

  I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head. “I don’t know if I want to look around.”

  “Well, you’re going to see it at some point,” Julian said with a laugh in his voice.

  Alex and I stared at each other and then both slowly turned our heads around. Yup, things were really starting to become quite crystal clear now. The woman wearing nothing but her lingerie at the edge of the pool seemed to help clarify things for me. The naked couple in the pool that she and some others were now watching seemed like a dead giveaway too.

  “Alex, we have to get out of here,” I said.

  Alex didn’t speak, he just nodded.

  “Bye, Julian,” I said, as the two of us quickly made a dash for the other side of the deck where the exit was. But just as we were almost there, we felt the yacht move.

  “Oh no.” I started to run down the stairs and arrived at the bottom just in time to see the yacht pulling away from the pier.

  I turned and looked at Alex in panic. “We’re stuck here.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  We couldn’t go back up to the top bar deck, things were really starting to get out of control up there, so we headed inside to look for a place to hide. A corridor stretched out in front of us. Lined with doors, most of them closed, most of them with “Occupied” labels hanging outside. I didn’t dare to venture into one, I could only imagine what exactly was occupied.

  Finally, we came to an open door right at the end of the corridor. The lights were off and Alex fumbled in the dark for a few moments before finding the switch. He flicked it on and the images and shapes in the room started coming into focus. Alex closed the door behind us.

  “Is this a gym?” Alex looked around. Oh God, this man really needed to watch more films with the word “Grey” in the title.

  “Alex, do you really not know what this is?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “It’s a sex room.”

  “What?” He seemed genuinely shocked. As if it was such a leap to imagine a kinky sex room at a swingers’ party. I looked around at all the things. There were a few of those big round balls that you find at the gym, the ones that work your core, but these were no doubt being used for an entirely different core workout. Straps hanging from the wall that also looked like those things you find in the gym. A few cupboards against the walls, I dreaded to know what was in them.

  “Maybe we should leave,” I said. But just as the words were out of my mouth three people burst through the door, all of them semi-nude and really just a tangle of arms and legs. A man, that much I could see. Two women, one redhead, one brunette.

  “Oh God!” I jumped.

  “Well, hello there.” The man disengaged himself from the women and looked over at us. Dear lord, what was he wearing? I tried to avert my gaze, but couldn’t. It was just so, so, so . . . in your face. He was wearing a tight shirt and nothing else but a pair of red budgie-smuggler underpants.

  “Uh . . . Hi!” Alex stuttered, I could see he was also trying to pry his eyes away from what actually looked a little like a red fire hydrant. “We were just leaving.” The two of us started inching our way towards the door.

  “You don’t have to go. The action hasn’t even started yet.” The man took a step closer to us and the red front pouch swung from side to side. What was he keeping in there. An elephant trunk?

  “That’s okay,” I said as Alex and I continued to shuffle our way towards the door. “We’ve already had so much action tonight, haven’t we?” I glared at Alex and he nodded.

  “So much! WOW!” Alex wiped his brow as if he were sweaty. There wasn’t a bead of sweat in sight.

  Mr Red Bulge raised a brow as if he didn’t quite believe Alex.

  “Really?” the man asked.

  “Yup! She’s like a wild animal, this one. Let me tell you.” He looked over at me pointedly. I could see he was urging me to say something.

  So I did. And it was so almightily embarrassing, but it was such a bizarre, awkward situation, it just kind of came to me. “Meow,” I hissed at the three of them and then immediately cringed.

  “No worries,” the guy said with a smooth smile. “You can always just watch if you want,” he then offered.

  “No, thanks,” I quickly said. We were almost at the door now, just a few more steps to go and then we would be free.

  “Suit yourself,” the guy said.

  “Thanks for the offer though,” Alex said politely. “It’s very thoughtful of you three.”

  “Yeah, have a super fun evening,” I said. And with that, I felt a tug on my leg and felt myself fall forward.

  “Shit!” I went crashing to the floor. I had no idea what had tripped me up until I looked down at my ankle. Twisted around it was one of those straps that was hanging from the ceiling. Alex reached out to pull me up.

  “I’m okay,” I said, totally embarrassed by my tumble. “I’m totally fine.” I quickly untangled my foot and then grabbed onto one of the cupboards to hoist myself up. But then disaster struck. I grabbed the handle by accident and the cupboard door went flying open.

  “Crap, crap, crap!” Things felt like they were going in slow motion now; a strange, shiny, black plastic shape seemed to come falling out the cupboard like a sack of potatoes. What the hell was it? It pushed me over and then fell on top of me, pinning me to the floor.

  “What the—?” I desperately tried to push it off me. But every time my hands came into contact with the thing, it let out a long, high-pitched squeaking sound, like shoes on a squash court. And it was slippery. Why was it slippery?

  “Val, are you okay?” I felt Alex grab me by the arm and pull. But the strange, big black creature was still on me. It wasn’t coming off and, damn, it was heavy.

  “What is it? What is it? What is it?” I flapped about in panic now. Was it a dead body in a bag? That’s what it felt like! I finally managed to wiggle free and climbed to my feet. I looked down.

  It was definitely human. That much I could see. The two blue eyes looking up at me through the little holes in the full face mask told me so. The eyes blinked a few times and so did I. I was trying to take it all in. The person on the floor was covered head-to-toe in a black latex skintight suit. The other three in the room had walked over and we all stood staring as it flapped around.

  “It’s trying to say something,” Alex pointed.

  “Is it?” I asked. From what mouth exactly? It didn’t have a mouth. Its whole face was completely covered.

  “I can hear it too,” one of the girls said. She crouched down and we all followed her lead.

  “What are you trying to say?” she asked, leaning in.

  We all kept silent as the murmur came out from under the mask.

  “I can’t hear you, sweetie.” She leaned in even more. We all did.

  “Mmmm, uhmmm, fffhjhhaaa . . . yttttthhhhhmmmmmmgggrrrhhhh,” it said. (Or something like that.)

/>   “Are you in some kind of trouble?” I asked, speaking slowly and loudly. “Do you need us to get you some kind of help?”

  It shook its head at me.

  “Look, there’s a zip.” Alex pointed at the face part and I saw it. A little zip across the mouth area. Alex looked at me and I shuddered. Then he slowly, tentatively, reached out and unzipped him.

  “Thanks,” the voice from behind the mask said. He had such an ordinary voice. Like he could be the guy on the other end of a call center line, or the man at the bank, or even a school teacher.

  He continued talking. “Master won’t be happy if I’m out of my cupboard. Can you guys put me back, please?”

  I looked up at the other three in the room. They seemed totally chilled and relaxed by all this. The redhead was even chewing on a piece of gum casually and twirling her hair around her finger.

  “Sure, mate,” the man with the red budgie smugglers said.

  “Sure,” Alex agreed awkwardly. The sooner we did this, the better. Then we could be out of this strange room.

  So we all picked him up. God, he was slippery! We finally managed to get him back into the cupboard where he retreated into the corner, disappearing into the shadows once more.

  “Thanks,” he said.

  “No worries,” Alex replied, trying to sound upbeat and nonchalant. We immediately resumed our escape. But he stopped us . . .

  “Would one of you mind zipping my mouth shut again and closing the cupboard door?” I looked over at Alex and shook my head. I wasn’t going to do that, and the other three were already starting something on one of those swings.

  “Of course.” Alex moved back to the cupboard, zipped his mouth shut and closed the door on him. Alex looked up at me and he didn’t have to say a thing, I could see exactly what he was thinking. We both nodded at each other and then ran straight out of the room.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Alex and I threw ourselves out the door and slammed it behind us. We turned and looked at each other and shook our heads. As if we couldn’t believe that had just happened.

  “We should probably get out of here,” Alex said.

  “Probably,” I replied. It’s not that I was against this kind of thing, in fact, I’d written many an article about swingers and fetishes, but being here with the strange smell of latex and leather in the air was another thing entirely.

  We walked back down the long corridor and pushed our way outside and onto the deck. Everything seemed to have dialed up a notch since we were last there. Clothes lay strewn across the floor, so many that it looked like it was made of a patchwork quilt. We moved through everyone and were almost at the bar when we were stopped.

  “Hi.” It was Bethany in almost all her glory.

  “Hey, guys.” Paul joined her. “So, what are you into?” he asked, moving closer. “Full swap, soft swap, same room, water sports, MFM, FMF or GG?”

  “We’re into making an E.X.I.T,” Alex spelled and then started pulling me again.

  “Yup. We should definitely leave,” I whispered as we dodged all sorts of strange and sticky things, pushing our way through the crowd.

  Alex and I arrived at the bar where Julian was. “How do we get out of here?” Alex immediately asked.

  Julian burst out laughing. “You could swim.” We both turned and looked at the sea. The shore was in sight, and not a far swim at all, by anyone’s standards.

  “The water is actually very shallow past that buoy.” Julian pointed out. “You could probably walk the rest of the way from there. And the coral reef is out there, so you won’t step on anything sharp.”

  Alex and I walked over to the edge and looked out. The buoy was only about fifty meters away, and maybe another fifty to shore.

  “What do you think?” Alex asked.

  “I . . . I . . . I don’t know.” I looked down into the clear blue sea wondering if I should, when something bumped into me. I turned to see what it was. “Oh God!” I jumped in fright.

  I was now face to face with a big, blow-up sex doll. It had come crashing into me. Its garish, blue-painted eyes stared at me. They almost had a look of desperation in them. Her big, wide, gaping mouth seemed to be saying something to me . . .

  Get me out of here! Get me out of here!

  “Let’s do it!” I turned to Alex, clutching the doll under my arm. Alex’s eyes widened as he looked at it in shock. “Floatation device,” I said. I kicked my shoes off and indicated for Alex to do the same. Then I rushed them over to Julian and put them on the bar. “We’ll get them from you at the hotel,” I said with utter determination, and a blow-up sex doll under my arm.

  Julian laughed. “You guys are mental!”

  I rushed back to the side of the boat.

  “There’s a place for you to jump off into the sea over there.” Alex had discovered a small platform that jutted off the edge of the boat. We rushed towards the platform and both jumped off it without giving it any extra thought.

  I felt my body fly through the air for a few moments, and then I landed in the warm water with a splash. The blow-up doll I was clutching quickly brought me to the surface. I held onto her and started kicking my legs, using it as a board. Alex joined me and soon we were both clutching onto her, kicking. I tried to ignore the fact that one of Alex’s hands was now firmly gripping her big balloon breast. We kicked like this for quite some time until our feet finally came into contact with the soft sand and we were both able to stand up. The water was chest-deep for me and I stood still, trying to catch my breath.

  “We made it,” Alex said. I could hear he was also out of breath.

  We both turned and looked at the big yacht behind us. Julian was standing at the railing. He gave us a massive thumbs-up and a wave. I turned to Alex and we both stared at each other for a while. No one said a word.

  “Did that just happen?” I asked Alex, breaking the silence.

  He started nodding his head. Slowly at first, until it got bigger and bigger.

  “That wasn’t a dream? That really happened to us?” I asked again.

  Alex stopped nodding and then a tiny smile spread his lips. I felt my mouth twitch too. Our smiles began slowly, gaining momentum until they were spread wide across our faces. And then we started laughing. Our laughter was loud, uninhibited and raucous.

  “Oh my God,” I wailed. “That was insane!”

  Alex clutched his sides as he laughed. I couldn’t help notice how his wet shirt was now clinging to all the defined lines on his chest and stomach. And when he laughed, they all seemed to ripple and writhe and wriggle around. Suddenly I wasn’t laughing anymore. I was gawking at his body through the tight wet shirt. For some reason I reached up and touched my neck. The back of my knees tingled again, almost as if I could feel his fingers on them. He threw his head back and laughed even more and I tried NOT to stare, but his wet pants were clinging tightly to him, you see. I bit my lip and I swear I heard the sex doll next to me let out a little breathy moan, or was that me?

  “Come, let’s get out of here.” Alex stopped laughing suddenly and I quickly looked away from his crotch area (God, I was a perv) and started nodding my head vigorously. We walked the rest of the way and when we arrived on the beach, that’s when we realized we weren’t alone.

  “Hi.” Alex waved at the couple on the beach, the ones who were sharing what looked like a once very romantic dinner.

  “Hi,” I mumbled at them and gave a little wave. They looked at us in utter shock and then, simultaneously, their eyes drifted down to my hand. I was still clutching the sex doll.

  I looked up at them coyly and gave a small shrug. Alex burst out laughing again and the two of us ran across the beach, sex doll in tow.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  I woke up to the sound of my patio door being opened and heard Alex’s voice. At first I couldn’t make out the words Alex was saying through my sleepy haze, but as I began to regain consciousness words started coming into focus.

  “Breakfast . . . Bethany .
. . enormous sausage . . . thank me for the cupboard . . . romantic dinner on beach . . . glaring at me . . . and that’s why we need to get out of here.”

  “Huh?” I started to sit.

  “Did you just hear a word I said?” Alex asked.

  “Not really,” I confessed, rubbing my eyes.

  “I went to breakfast without you, didn’t want to wake you, and let’s just say that we don’t want to stay here in this hotel any longer. Unless you want to run into Bethany and Paul again. Oh, and by the way, the man we stuffed into the cupboard last night, his name is Dave. He says ‘hi’.”

  “What?” I opened my eyes. “Are they all staying here?”

  Alex nodded. “Yup. And they were all very hungry this morning at breakfast. And speaking of which, here.” Alex sat down on my bed and put a plate of pastries in front of me. “And I also got our shoes back from Julian,” he said, dropping mine onto the floor.

  “Thanks.” I immediately reached for one of the Danishes and started eating. I was starving.

  “Oh, and the hotel manager wanted to know why we didn’t come to the yacht on pier threeeeee. Three. Not four.”

  “What did you tell him?” I asked.

  “I told him that you had suddenly come down with an acute case of pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.”

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “A cough,” he said casually as he sat on my bed eating. “Was she a good cuddler?” Alex pointed to the other side of the bed. I blushed when I saw what was there.

  “I wasn’t . . . I didn’t . . .” I stumbled. “It was just . . . I . . .” I stopped talking and looked at him blankly, not sure what to say in my defense. There was a blow-up sex doll lying next to me on the bed, after all. “She was great,” I finally said, playing along.

  Alex laughed. “Well, in that case she can come with us.”

  “Where are we going?” I asked, my mouth full of pastry.