Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs

by vHow to Overcome Rejection on the Way to Your YES (pdf)

  HadIusedtheSpecialForcesmantraIrecentlylearnedof—“Slowissmoothandsmoothisfast”—andtakenthe slower,smootherroutein2003,perhapsIwouldhavehadmoresuccessthatspring.Ifyou'rethinkingI'mbeingtoo self-criticalanditwasjustamatterofbadluckandunfortunatetiming,youcouldberight.Butthatinterpretation rendersmepowerlessbyforcingmetothinkofmyselfasadefenselessvictimwhoisatthemercyofthewhimsof theuniverse.

  Whilewearesusceptibletotheforcesthatbangupagainstus,wearealsocapableofincorporatingpracticesthataid ourchancesofsuccess.Inthiscase,examiningmyactionsandacknowledgingwhereIcouldhavemadedifferent choiceswithoutjudgingmyselforgoingagainstmycharacter,Icanusetheprinciplesofmeditationtoletsomeof thoseprevioushabitsandchoicesflowdowntheriversoIcanchoosenewonesthenexttimeI'minasimilar situation.

  “IfIkeptbusy,ifIkeptmyselfinperpetualmotion,Iwouldn'thavetoanswer,Iwouldn'thavetolookintomy soul.Andsotheuniversegavemeaboutthreewarnings.And,intheend,went,‘Oh,okay,girl.Youaregonnabe slappeddownandslappeddownhardandnowyouhavetofaceitandnowyouhavetodealwithit.’”

  —SueHollis,NamedOneofAustralia'sTop10FemaleEntrepreneursbySmartCompany Thesimultaneousbeautyandcurseofmeditativepracticesisthatwenevergraduatefromthem.Eventhemost enlightenedindividualsareengagedinconsciouslydetachingthemselvesfromresultsfortherestoftheirlives.So maybethenexttimeyoudoattempttopulloutayogamatandfollowameditationapp,anactualteacher,oryour ownbreath,youwillgoeasieronyourselfandacceptwhereveritisthatyouareinthatmoment.Fromexperience, thisisnoteasytodo,butitisanecessarypartofanyone'sjourneytowardsuccessinanyfield,aswellasanyone's fulfillmentinthislife.Believeitornot,sometimesstoppingtosmelltheroseswillgetyoutoyourdestinationfaster thansprintingasfastasyoucan,ignoringwhat'saroundyou.

  TopThreeTakeaways

  1. Meditationhasgrowninpopularitybecauseithasproducedgreatresults.Itisworthtryingifyouhavenot yetdoneso.

  2. Underneathmeditationisthesimpleideaofacceptance.

  3. Hustleandgrindareusefultools,buttheyarenotusefulineverysituation.Consideraddingmeditationto yourrepertoire.

  CHAPTER12

  BeliefandFaith

  “Fearbelievesinanegativefuture.Faithbelievesinapositivefuture.Soifneitherhashappenedyet,why wouldn'tyouchoosetobelieveinthepositivefuture?”

  — JonGordon,NewYorkTimes Best-SellingAuthor

  Beliefandfaithgohand-in-handwithrisk.Ifriskisonthetacticalsideoftheequation,involvingreal-worldchoices andoperations,beliefandfaithareonthespiritualandphilosophicalside.Youmaynotneedtohavefaithorbelief thatyourlightwillreachothersifyou'regoingtokeepithiddenunderyourownlittlebushel—butwhatkindofalife isthat?Crampedandlonely,withnoroomforgrowth,suchalifewouldnotbeveryfulfilling.Itmightbesafefrom thepotentialdangersoftheworld,butatwhatcost?Ifyounevertaketheleap,thereisnochancethatyouwillfly.

  Butifyoudohavethecouragetotaketheleap,youwillneedahealthydoseofbeliefinyourself,fordoingallofthe thingsdescribedinthisbook,andfaithintheworldbeyondyou,thatitwillsupportyouandprovidethewind beneathyourwingssoyoudon'tcrashupontheshorebelow.

  Don'tBetheGuy(orGal)WhoWokeUponThirdBaseThinkingHe HitaTriple

  Agoodpathtobelievinginyourselfisfindingawaytobelieveintheworldaroundyou.Thiscanbeachallengeifyou weremistreatedorabusedorgrewupwithverylittle.Byacknowledgingthattheworldhasalreadysupportedyou, evenwithverylittleevidencethatithas,youcangrowyourfaithbyembracingtheideathat,ifyoudoyourpart,the worldwilleventuallysupportyoureffort.Therearesomemenandwomenwhohavepulledthemselvesupbytheir ownbootstrapsandtheydeserveourrespect.Itmaybehardforthemtogiveintothe“weak”conceptofhaving faith.Theydon'tneedfaith,thelogicgoes,becausetheywerepreparedontheirown.Theydon'tneedprotection, theysay,becausetheywerestrongenoughtowithstandharshrealities.WhileIcompletelyunderstandthatlogic,I believethateventhestrongestamongourraceofimperfecthumansgottowheretheyaretodaybecauseatsome point,maybeaftermassiveamountsofeffortontheirpart,theyhadtostartrelyingonsome thingorsome one outsideofthemselves.

  Oneneedsonlytoexperienceanearthquaketorealizethatweareactuallyemployingfaithinthingswemostlytake forgranted,likegravityandthegroundbeneathus,everysingleday.Byloggingallofthesethingsthatwecan alreadybegratefulfor rightnow,wecanmakeourselvesmoreawareofthisbeliefandfaithandthen cultivatemore ofit.Thisisawaytoincreasethechancesthatitdoesn'tshowuponlywhenthewindblowsatexactlytheright angle.

  “IgottothepointwhereIhadeverythingIthoughtIeverwanted,butIstilldidn'tfeelhappy.SoIsoldmy companiesandstartedanewone.ThewholepointwasthatIwantedtoreplacethethought,‘I'llbehappierwhen ______’withthethought,‘I'mhappiernow,because______.’”

  —NatalyKogan,Owner/CEO,Happier,Inc.

  NatalyKogan,oneofmypastguestsonthe 10,000NOspodcast,hadeveryreasontobelieveinherself.Whenher familycametotheUnitedStatesfromRussiashedidnotspeakEnglish.ShecreditsAlyssaMilanoandrerunsof Who'stheBoss? forlearningthelanguage.Eventually,throughinordinateamountsofhardwork,shebecamea successfulentrepreneur.But,justasOprahpreachesthathappinesscomesfromgratituderatherthanmaterial possessions,Natalydiscoveredthatwhatwaslackinginherlifewastheacknowledgmentthatshehadplentytobe gratefulforrightnow.Shecreatedanentirecompanyandmobileapptoencourageherselfandotherstostop lookingforhappinessaroundthenextcorner.

  CreateYourOwnSystemforGratitude

  IhavenevercoinedacatchyphraselikemyguestCharlie“Rocket”Jabaley.Hismantra,“I'monawinningstreak,”

  wentviralafterheconvincedtheDukemen'sbasketballteamtoshoutitinunisonwithhimonInstagramthedayhe deliveredamotivationaltalktothem.Priortothat,hehadrepeatedlytoldhisfollowersthemantracanbeutteredto celebratethingsastrivialashavinganespressomadeatStarbucksandasmonumentalasclosingabusinessdeal.I didrealize,however,thatI'dbeendoingsomethingsimilarmyentirelifewithoutbeingawareofit.Asmykidscan gladlytellyou,Iamannoyinglyconsistentwhenitcomestoacknowledgingbeautyaroundme.

  EverytimewedrivedowntheCaliforniaInclinestripofroadbetweentheSantaMonicabluffsandthePacificCoast Highwayonourwayhome,IpointatthemountainsnearMalibujuttingintothePacificOcean,“Doyourealizehow luckyweare?Peopletravelfromaroundtheworldtoseethisview!”Aswouldbeexpected,theyshowtheirgratitude forDad'slifelessonwithaneye-rollandashakeofthehead,butIcan'thelpmyself.Likewise,Imakeapointof tellingfamilyandfriendshowmuchtheymeantomeonaregularbasis,whetherthroughtext,email,orjustina conversation.Tryit.Whatyou'llfindisthat,whenthingsaregoinghorriblywronginyourlifeanditfeelslikeyou can'tcatchabreak,you'llatleasthaveevidencethatreinforcestheideathattheworldisgoodtoyouinsomeway, shape,orform.Itwillsystematicallyincreaseyourabilitytohavefaith.

  LookingbackattheskydivingstoryIsharedinthechapteronrisk,whatallowedmywifeandmetoexperience

  hurtlingthroughtheairtowardtheearthfrom13,000feetatterminalvelocitywasanimplicittrustinthe equipmentandthemanufacturer'sabilitytodesignandcreateit.Ourfaithwasnotjustintheropes,pulleys,and parachutes,butalsotheplane,theengines,andthepilot.Wehadtohavefaiththatourguide,GusKaminski,andhis trainingandexpertiseasthecaptainoftheNavySEALLeapfrogteamwouldgetustothegroundinonepiece.In fact,fromtheminuteeveryoneofuswakesup
eachday,weareplacingourfaithinhundreds,ifnotthousandsor more,ofpeoplewhocamebeforeus.ThereasonIcantypethesewordsintomycomputeristhehundredsof thousandsofhoursofresearch,trialanderror,bloodshed,andhardshipthatwentintoitscreation,aswellasthatof everylittlegadgetwetakeforgranted.Liferequiresaheftyamountoffaithinothers,bothlivinganddeceased.And yet,whenwearecalledupontohavefaithinlargerareasofourlife,webecomeskepticsandcynics,unabletotake chancesforfearofgettinghurt.

  “Hesaid,‘Whatdoyouwanttodo,LittleHeath,whenyougrowup?’Iwaslike,‘Oh,I'mgonnaplayintheNFL.’

  AndIrememberhimlookingtomyDad,andthisismyfirstconscious,memorablethoughtofsomeonekindof doubtingwhatIfeltlikeGodjustputinmeasayoungster.Hesaid,‘Thekiddoesn'thaveacluehowharditisto makeit.’AndIwasfour.HowIrememberthat,Idon'tknow.Ithinkitwasthatfirstkindofheartwoundoflike,

  ‘Oh.Youtryin’tosquashwhatI'mdreamingof?'”

  —HeathEvans,10-yearNFLfullback,SuperBowlChampion

  WhenIdecidedtobecomeanactor,withnoPlanB,itwasfaiththatkeptmefromturningback.IhadatrustthatifI didthework,andhadsometalent,someonewouldeventuallyacknowledgeit.Itrequiredgritanddeterminationon mypart,sure,butallofthatwouldhaveamountedtonothingifnotfortheteachers,friends,mentors,and opportunitiesthatIbelievedwouldshowuptohelpme.Andtheydidshowup.Exceptwhentheydidn't.Andwhen theydidn't,I'djusttellmyselfitwasforareasonIcouldn'tyetsee,andI'dbelievethey'dshowupthenexttime.

  Somepeoplehearmystanceonthistopicandthinkthatit'sblind.They'renotcompletelywrong.Rememberthat phraseItoldmywife,“willfuldenial”?Icouldalsocallit“intentionalblindness.”Havingfaithrequiresustosee whatwewanttobelieve,evenifit'snotrightinfrontofus.Andwhilefaithisnotaskingustoignorewhatisrightin frontofuswhenitisnotpleasing,itissaying,“Yes,thismaybethecase rightnow,andyouneedtoacceptit,but thatdoesn'tmeanyouhavetofocusonitandmakeit worsethanitreallyis,orthatitcan'tchangeforthebetter.”

  MylatecousinDavidFerrara,asuccessfulentrepreneurbeforehisprematuredeath,usedtosay,“Ifyou'renot stretching,you'renotgrowing.”MorganFreeman's ShawshankRedemptioncharacter,Red,whomIquotedinan earlierchapter,famouslysaid,“Getbusylivingorgetbusydying.”Eitherdirection,changeisoccurringallthetime.

  Faithisabeliefthatthatchangewillnotalwaysbeagainstyou.Cancellingmybartendingshiftthenightbeforemy Sopranosauditionwasinfaiththat,againstthelikelyodds,Iwouldatleasthaveashotatthatrole.Ican'tcount howmanytimesbeforeandafterthatauditionIhaveriskedfromthatsamepremiseandlost.But,becauseIchoose toseethoselossesmerelyasstepstowardmynextwin,triumphisinevitable.

  WhyNotMe?

  Iamawarethatthecynicsamongyouthinkthissoundslikecompleteandutterhogwash.Badthings dohappento goodpeople,andgreateffortisoften notrewardedwhilecheatingandboisterousbehaviormanytimes are rewarded.Allthatbeingtrue,myquestion,likeJonGordon's,is: Whybelieveanythingbutthatwhichwillempoweryou?

  WhenIfailedtoscoretheroleinthesoapoperaaftermyscreentest,wouldithavebeensmartertointerpretthatas asignthatIhadnorighttobeaprofessionalactor?IfIhaddonethat,Ineverwouldhaveauditionedfor The Sopranosjustashorttimelater.WhenIwastoldIwasthefrontrunnerfortheroleon TheSopranos,butatthefinal callbacksawthenamesofactorsfromthebiggestagenciesinthebusinessonthesign-insheets,wouldithavebeen smartertoleavetheofficeandtakethesubwayhome?Irememberconsideringthat.Ihadmadeitthisfar,butitwas ludicroustothinkthatashowofthisstaturewouldevergivethisjobtome.Butthefactis,theydid.Sometimesitis you.ThisiswhyIoftenaskmyself,“Why notme?”

  I'llneverforgetwalkingdownFifthAvenueaboutanhourafterthatfinalcallback,December20,2001.Ihada messageonmyphonefromcastingdirectorGeorgianneWalkenanditdidn'tsoundgood.“Hey,honey…Ijust wantedtotellyou…”hervoicesoundedsomberuntil,afterabriefpause,sheutteredthelinethatchangedthe courseofmycareer,“Yougotthepart,kiddo!”WhenIwokeupthatmorning,Ididn'tknowthatwouldbethecase.

  And,likewise,whereveryouarerightnow, youhavenoideawhereyou'llbetomorrow.Noneofusdoes.Itcouldbe inthepositionyou'vedreamedofforalifetime,oritcouldbeinamorgue.Soundsmorbid,Iknow,butit'sthat razor'sedgethatwestraddleeverydaythatgivesvaluetoeverybreathweareluckyenoughtobreatheaboveground.

  Withsuchlimitedbreaths,whywouldyouchoosetobelieveinanythingbutyourgreatestdreamscomingtrue?

  LosingtheBattlebutWinningtheWar

  Ratherthanjustshareanexampleofwherebeliefandbehaviorledtoawin,Iwanttoshareastoryofoneofmy 10,000NOsguests,RobWhitaker,whowasbattlingcancerwhenwesatdowntotalk,abattlethat,sadly,he eventuallylost.Whitakerhadeveryreasontocomplainandbeavictim:atage43hewentinforatypicalannual physicalandjustafewdayslater,completelyoutoftheblue,wastoldbyadoctorthatheshould“gethisaffairsin order.”RobwasdiagnosedwithStageIVcoloncancer.Hecouldeasilyhaverolledoveranddiedrightthen,but insteadhechosetofighthiscancerbylivinghislifetothefullestwithhiswifeandchildren.Healsofoughtitwithan irreverenthumornotcommonlyappliedtocancer.

  “IseealotofthisatSloan,cancerpatientsarefunny,right?Theyliketotalkandtheyliketotalktootherpeople withcancer…buttheyliketotalktopeoplewithcancerthatareworsethanthem.Right?It'skindofaf#%kedup hierarchyinthere,right?There's,like,yaknow,theFreshmanandtheJVsandtheVarsityandthen,eventolike theGradguys,yaknow?Theprolevelcancers.And,uh,unfortunately,I'mlikeprolevelcancer.”

  —RobWhitaker,onhisfightwithStageIVcoloncancer

  Insteadofusingthehushedandprecioustonethatiscommonlyassociatedwithconversationsaboutcancer,Rob wouldwritebeautifullycrafted,wickedlyfunnypassagesthatdocumentedhistrialsandtribulationsinbimonthly emailstohisfamilyandmanyfriends,titlingthem“Rob'sC-Notes.”Theyweresofunnyanduniquethatwhenmy sister-in-law,afriendofRob's,readthemtousonemorningafterIhadjustlaunchedmypodcast,IsaidIneededto meethim.Byapproachinghisbig“no”withtheheartofawarrior,Robinspirednotonlyhiswifeandchildren,who havesufferedthroughhisdeath,butmanyothercancerpatientsandtheirfamilieswhofacesimilarlylongodds.He isaprimeexampleofhowagoodattitudeandbeliefinsomethinglargerthanthechallengesinourimmediatesight canallowustowinthewarforothers,evenifweloseourownparticularbattle.

  KeepYourOwnScorecardandStartwithEasyWins

  Manypeopledefendtheirlackofexpansionbyvehementlyexclaimingthat“youarewhoyouare.”Buthumansare capableofhugechange.Evendoubtersadmittheyhaveacapacityforchangewhenitcomestotangibleskills.They justdon'tbelieveitappliestoaspectsoflifethattheyconsidertobeintangible,likebeliefandfaith.Theseskeptics writeofftheideathattheycansystematicallyincreasetheirabilitytobelieveinthemselvesbecausetheymistakenly imaginepeoplelikemyselfproposingaprogramthatconsistsofrepeatingamantraforeighthoursadaywhilenot doinganythingdifferently.WhatIamproposing,however,ismorealongthelinesofDonSaladino'sadviceinthe chapterontransformation:startsmallatfirst,andallowyourever-increasingself-belieftogrowwitheachtinywin.

  Bitingoffmorethanyoucanchewisagoodpathtoeventuallyquitting.I'veseentoomanyyoungactorsthrowinthe towelbecausetheycomparedthemselvestoGaryOldman.Thegapbetweenhisabilityandtheirswassolargethat theonlylogicalthingtodowasquit.WhileIwholeheartedlybelieveinstrivingforgreatnessandeventuallybeing consideredoneofth
eelite,partoftheproblemwiththisapproachisthatit'slikeanantweighingitselfonan elephant'sscale.HadIberatedmyselffornotbeingnominatedforanOscarformyperformancein TheNorthEnd, myfirstfeaturefilm,thatwouldhavebeeninsane.JustasNFLgreatTomBradydoesnotberatehimselffornot hittingasmanyhomerunsasformerMajorLeagueBaseballstarDerekJeter,becausefootballdoesn'tallowfor homeruns,youneedtopullthingsintoyourownwheelhousefirst.Onceyoubuildmomentumandgainconfidence, thenyoucanrecalibrateyourscaleandstarttoworktowardyournextgoal.Thewayoneeatsanelephantisonebite atatime.

  YouDon'tNeedaScorecardtoKnowIfYouWonorLost

  Momentumisagamechanger,soyouneedtocultivateit.MyfriendChrisMessinaandIusedtojokinglycall ourselves“TheDaliChrissy”or“TheDaliMatty”whenwewereonahotstreakasactorsbecause,atthosetimes whenoneofuswasemployed,ouradvicetotheunemployedcounterpart(meorChris,dependingonwhowasup andwhowasdown)wasalways,“Justrelax…it'llcometoyou.”That'seasytosaywhenthingsaregoingyourway, butnotsoeasywhenyoucan'tgetajobifyourlifedependedonit.

  Forthatreason,myfriendBlakeRobbinsandIcameupwithanapproachtoscoringourownauditionsthatdidnot relyonoutsideopinions.AfterreadingabookonJohnWooden,oneofthewinningestcoachesincollegebasketball history,IsharedoneofmytakeawayswithRobbins.WoodentoldhisplayersthatwhentheyreturnedtoUCLAon thebusfromawaygames,hedidnotwanttheirfamiliesorgirlfriendstoknowiftheywonorlostbasedontheir behavior.Hebelievedthattoomuchcelebratingafterawin,ortoomuchsulkingafteraloss,meanttheyhadjudged theirperformancebythefinalscoreonthescoreboard.Inhisopinion,thegamewaswonorlostbeforeitwasplayed bythewaytheteamprepared.Hewasmoreinterestedinthem“leavingitallonthecourt.”Ironically,whentheydid that,theyusuallywononthescoreboard,too.Fromthenon,whenRobbinsandIwouldgradeourownauditions,we woulddescribethemasa“win”ora“loss”beforewefoundoutifwegotthejob.Thiswasawaytocontrolourown internalbarometerandsetitforsuccessratherthanallowingsomeoneelsetoturnitwayupordown.