by Claire Angel
“I know what you’re doing and maybe some things should be left unsaid. We need them at peak performance and your interference could unravel all the hard work put forth to boost their morale. Dredging up the past is never a good idea,” Cadence stammered over the words and I was well aware that another trigger had been activated.
Subconsciously, he was referring to something that happened in his past, but his mind wasn’t ready to reveal the ugly details. It was a work in progress and it could be detrimental to his mental well being to dig too fast to the root of his problem.
Everybody went their separate ways with some heading for the nearest diner across the street for early morning sustenance. I could see through the window how the blue-collar workers were getting a start to their day with an injection of caffeine.
The smell of eggs and bacon reminded me that I was being very careful about my cholesterol. I avoided sugars for the most part and actually found myself discarding the skins from my chicken knowing that it was the unhealthiest part.
“I think we need to be alone. I’ve been to Cleveland before and I know there’s a park nearby that could benefit our next session. It’s not going to look suspicious for me to single out the star quarterback. I can’t promise to find the truth, but the first step is for you to open up willingly without any reservation,” I implored and found him amenable until we were hailing a taxi and driving away from the stadium.
I sat close to him with my fingers playing along the edges of a ripped piece of crimson upholstery underneath me. I didn’t want to do anything to scare him, but I did feel this anxious need to show him my bedside manner in a different way.
The partition was glass and the driver was humming along to a tune on the radio with the lyrics in French. His accent was authentic and he probably came to the states looking for his piece of the apple pie.
“I’m feeling a little anxious. What does the doctor prescribe for that?” He asked with his eyes darting back and forth in his head.
I had a few ideas, but none of them was fit to repeat.
“Take a deep breath and hold it for 2 seconds before letting it out,” I commanded and he began to hyperventilate until he had the hiccups.
“I want you to clench your teeth together and put your tongue back as far as it can go along the roof of your mouth. Rub that soft spot with the tip of your tongue.” I encouraged not really remembering where I had heard such nonsense, but it worked.
He began breathing normally and holding my gaze using me as a tether. It was a personal connection. Seeing into the windows of his soul was giving me a new understanding of the strength it took for him to admit that he had a problem.
We were getting closer and staring at each other. He had the tip of his tongue playing across the edge of his mouth.
I mimicked the same response to the stimuli from being too close to him.
He put his hand on the back of my neck and his eyes travelled down over my curves paying particular attention to my breasts encased in the sweater. He looked back into my eyes and the moment was upon us.
He tilted his head to the side and I did the same. It was going to happen and I was ready for the heat of the moment to become too much for us to handle. There were several motels and I was positive the driver could direct us to one that didn’t exactly ask any questions.
My eyes were slightly closed and my mouth parted in an open invitation. It was going to be a passionate interlude and the very thought of kissing him had my entire body trembling with this unspoken need. I was prepared to accept him into my bed where the only sound was going to be our heavy breathing and loud moans of surrender.
“Watch where the fuck you’re going.” The mood was broken and we both blinked back into focus before sitting back with a deep sigh.
The driver had almost run over a pedestrian jaywalking across the street.
His outburst and loud exclamation of frustration had made us both realize that we were about to make this huge mistake that would affect our working relationship.
“That was a close one. Let’s make sure that never happens again. One of us is going to have to be strong for the other. I know it’s asking a lot, but we need to keep things platonic without stepping over that line.” It was easy for me to say that, but implementing it was another matter altogether.
“I’ve never felt light headed and a little queasy at the same time. It was like those romantic movies where everything was happening in slow motion. It’s an experience I wouldn’t mind repeating, but I understand what you’re saying,” He said, shifting in his seat and holding onto the door handle for dear life.
The park was coming up on the right side of the road and it would afford us the necessary privacy to delve a little deeper into his problems. It didn’t matter what I did or what I said to the contrary. My body was craving something more than lip service.
It was like a laser beam of focus leaving me a little unbalanced. There was this high voltage chemistry between us sizzling like electricity. It was perfect symmetry. He was everything that I wanted and more.
I was worried about my self-control and how I would handle plugging back into his psyche with access to the pretty packaging. I had to bury those tendencies in a deep dark hole.
“It’s a crush and nothing more. It’s not uncommon for a patient to become fixated on the person healing them. I don’t blame you.” That would explain his behaviour, but it certainly didn’t explain mine.
“That does make sense and I guess you have seen this plenty of times before. It’s a novel idea to fall in lust with my therapist. How cliché is that?” He asked while he was getting out of the taxi and offering his hand outstretched through the door.
I was afraid to bring forth those feelings that I was trying to keep under wraps. Touching him would’ve been a catalyst to a night that we would both never forget. I was human and my ethics could be corrupted by a smooth talker that was a little damaged in desperate need of my healing ways.
It was kind of hard to talk with my mouth feeling like it was full of cotton. I was trying to move past it, but hearing his voice was weakening my resolve. It was hard to be faithful to my ideals when I was praying that his pants would come down a little.
I was walking a tight wire without a net underneath me. I could easily fall with the slightest sexual provocation. I could think of the smallest detail that would be my downfall and give me a reason to throw caution to the wind. Running my hands through his hair was at the top of the list.
His hand on my back spontaneously had me stumbling on my heels with my legs feeling like jelly. I grabbed for the first thing I could find which turned out to be his proportional shoulders. I brushed him aside, clearing my throat and walking ahead of him making myself a spectacle for his eyes.
I purposely gave him a show by bending over to retrieve a penny on the sidewalk. It was the only way that I could stop myself from telling him that what he was feeling wasn’t one-sided.
I didn’t bother glancing over my shoulder and I could hear his footsteps pursuing me. He was trying to keep up with my power walk which had the intentional side effect of making my legs quite supple and form-fitting in my jeans. My ass was my best feature and it made me giddy to know that he was staring at it unabashedly from behind.
I shook my head at the absurdity of falling into the trap. He was depending on me and I didn’t want to let him down. It was time to peel back the layers and see what was lying underneath waiting to be discovered.
Chapter 8
Cadence
I could hear her voice in the air and it didn’t seem to belong to the setting that I was in. The water was cool and I floated on my back letting it carry me away.
“I want you to get rid of all of your negative thoughts. They are only going to get in the way. Take yourself back to the earliest memory of when you felt these headaches. Physical symptoms are your body’s way of telling you something is wrong. Most people ignore it until it is too late
. You’re one of the lucky ones to seek out counsel.” Her words had this calming effect, but the clear sky had suddenly turned tumultuous.
This private consultation was in a public setting with me sitting on a park bench painted freshly green. It was part of the beautification program that usually only happened when there was a political reason like an election coming up.
I was deeply under in a world of my own making.
A wave was coming toward me in my happy place. The clouds were menacingly black and the first crack of thunder made me begin to flail my limbs to find my way back to shore. I went under and once again came up sputtering water looking around with only miles of water all around me.
I suddenly saw this very old rowboat with spindly looking oars cracking with age. I swam toward it, getting closer with each long stride until a flash of lightning streaked across the sky. The boat was there one second and gone the next.
Every sudden flash brought it back into focus. I wasn’t about to give up when salvation was at hand. The water was weighing me down and it felt like something was pulling at my ankle. I kept trying to kick it loose, but it was only getting tighter.
“I can’t do this. I’m drowning. Somebody help me.” I felt the oar of the boat hit my head.
I lost consciousness doing the dead man’s float with the water turning red around me churning and bubbling with steam rising from the surface. I was dying and somebody was laughing. I didn’t see anything funny about it.
“I hope you can still hear me. Follow the sound of my voice. Let it guide you back to safety.” Her voice was followed by this life preserver with a name embossed along the sides.
The letters were jumbled and didn’t make any sense.
I grabbed it and something began pulling me toward shore away from the rowboat and the cackle of laughter behind me. I tried to see the source of the laughter, but there was this dark shadow keeping me from getting a clear picture.
“I don’t want to go. Keep me under. I’m begging you to keep me under. No matter what happens, I don’t want you to stop until I finally get to the bottom of this,” I pleaded, but the life preserver was still pulling me away from the truth and I had no choice but to let go.
“We don’t have to do this in one session. The human mind is fragile and there’s no telling what will make it shatter into a million pieces. Revealing these things too quickly could destroy all the hard work I’ve done for you. I’m bringing you out and I don’t care if you hate me. I just hope it’s a long and healthy hate.” The life preserver was back and this time it was around me holding me in its embrace and dragging me away from where I wanted to go.
I reached out my hands and screamed silently with no sound coming out of my mouth.
I closed my eyes and opened them to find myself on the football field completely naked with the crowd laughing and pointing.
Where the ball should’ve been in my hands in place of it was this tiny stuffed animal. It was a sheep and it was covered in what I could only assume was blood. The ground was soaked and I felt it begin to sink underneath me.
I was clawing at the ground and bringing back clumps of bloody earth getting underneath my nails. My hair was sopping wet and dripping sweat. I felt like I was on the edge of my sanity with one single thread holding me together. I could easily become unravelled gibbering like an idiot and rocking back and forth in the fetal position with my arms around my knees.
The dirt was covering me and I fell into this dark abyss until I was looking up at people dressed in black. They were crying with a priest in white overseeing the proceedings.
I got up and tried to get out, but the earth kept giving away. I punched holes, but they filled in with more earth.
They were standing around what appeared to be a grave and I was the recipient. They didn’t seem to see me and I saw this little boy’s hand reaching down with a very distinguished ring on his finger.
It was pure gold with some kind of insignia in the middle, but I couldn’t make it out with the sun bouncing off of it. We were a few inches apart and I tried jumping, but my feet were encased in mud.
“It’s your fault. How can you possibly look at yourself in the mirror every day knowing what you did?” The very same question was mimicked by those in attendance in perfect harmony.
Something I had done in the past had come back like a demon ready to be excised from my life. I had this feeling of guilt and this heaviness was lying on my chest. I began crying with bloody tears streaking down my cheeks until I could taste the copper on the tip of my tongue.
I was learning too much and I didn’t want to know anything more. It was painful to relive and whatever had happened was apparently my fault. I had blocked it out hoping never to dig up those of skeletons from where they lie in the darkest recesses of my mind.
“Cadence…Cadence…CADENCE.” Her voice was calling to me in a whisper that turned into a booming echo.
I held my hands over my ears trying to drown her out, but it was a futile effort. The scene changed and I was back in the ocean hanging onto the life preserver with those letters stencilled along the side shifting every so often as if by magic.
I was shaking and my fingers were freezing, turning blue along with my lips.
I was flung onto the sandy beach lying there like a beached whale. The sand was sticking to me but I was no longer in panic mode.
“Come back to me…god damn it…come back to me.” Her voice was closer and she was practically whispering into my ear over and over again like some kind of broken record.
I bolted straight up when I felt the cold hard slap across my face. She was shaking me with concern in her eyes by the way that she was staring at me unblinking.
“Don’t do that to me again. I thought I was going to have to call 911. You began convulsing and fell to the ground. You don’t know the depths of my despair. I had to turn you over to make sure that you didn’t swallow your tongue,” She said frantically with her fingers digging into my shoulders leaving a mark.
I looked around and there were people muttering underneath their breath, not unlike those that were looking down at me from above the grave. The big difference was these people were taking photographs with their phone and most likely going to share them with friends and loved ones.
I could play it off as being related to my concussion and nobody would blink an eye. I could easily procure a doctor’s note. Everything was for sale. It was a matter of what somebody’s number was. Everybody was different.
“I can barely talk. I’m glad you were here to make sure nothing happened.” I swallowed and could taste the salty brine of the ocean like I had really consumed an abundance of water.
“I wouldn’t say nothing happened as evident by these people. I’m afraid there wasn’t a medical doctor amongst them. I know this is terrifying, but I feel we are close.” She helped me to my feet and the crowd applauded like somehow they were responsible for my remarkable recovery.
I leaned on her and I could see down her sweater. The swell of her breasts had me forgetting about everything else. I was drawn to the tips of her nipples poking against the fabric of the sweater. I could definitely get lost between her legs for hours of uninterrupted pleasure. It would culminate with both of us lying there exhausted and covered in this sexual dew.
“There’s nothing to see here. He’s under my care.” She shielded me from the crowd and made them part to allow us access.
“My body feels like I just swam a marathon.” I was choking and I thought for sure that water was going to sputter from my mouth, but it didn’t
“A memory like that can be very jarring and feel like it’s really happening. Drowning is a common recurring dream, but you mentioned something about a grave. Everything you saw is subjective,” She said while patting my back like a concerned parent.
I suddenly heard the same laughter and I whirled around to find the source, but nobody was there. I pushed her aside and bent over with my hand
s on my knees. I didn’t understand any of it, but I knew deep down that I didn’t want to know the truth.
“It’s nothing more than a panic attack,” I lied and I didn’t know how to tell her that I was hearing things that weren’t there.
She would probably want to have me committed for a 48-hour evaluation and I had no interest in spending any time in a padded cell. I saw only one solution and it wasn’t going to be pretty.
“This is going to get worse before it gets better. This shows what kind of strength you have and I admire you. I don’t say that lightly. The light is on, but the darkness is still holding you back. Don’t give it that kind of power.” She beseeched, but I was no longer listening to her or any of her sage advice.
I took a few steps and my legs buckled until I was on my knees. Every muscle in my body was screaming at me. Struggling in a battle between life and death even in a dream had profound effects.
I knew what I had to say, but I didn’t want to.
Deep down there was something trying to get out and I was determined to bury it 6 feet under. It was pulling me in enough to keep me guessing, but something inside me told me it was better to let things go. Something was holding me back manipulating my decisions.
I took a deep breath and steeled myself for her response when I finally said those words practiced over and over again in my head.
“Your services will no longer be required. I’m done with therapy and with you. You are a cold-hearted bitch to make me go through this. I can’t even look at you without being sick to my stomach. I’m through playing this game. I can’t do it anymore,” I protested and when she tried to touch me, I brushed her away with a shrug of my shoulders and left her standing there.
My career was hanging by a thread. There was obviously something in my past trying to raise its ugly head, but I felt the revelation would be crippling. I couldn’t afford to lose a lucrative endorsement deal. It was all in my head and I was going to have to live with it.
