by Claire Angel
I heard my phone and I was somewhat relieved to find out that he wasn’t going to make our session. It was actually a load off of my mind, but the implications for the reason why struck me between the eyes like a ball peen hammer.
I read those two sentences over and over again unable to tear myself away. I practically memorized them with my mouth moving to mimic the words. I was at a crossroads and this decision wasn’t going to be easy.
“An impromptu fundraiser dinner in mandatory this evening and then I will be on the road for the next few days. I discussed this matter with my agent and he has encouraged me to invite you along.”
I thought about sitting on a bus next to him in the darkness where nobody could see what my hands were doing.
I had the entire day to prepare and I went and did some shopping before having something to eat at a local dive. I found that the best food could be found by word of mouth. This place didn’t even have a sign. It was a greasy spoon, but it had the best clams and chips I had ever eaten in my life.
I could get extra tartar sauce for 25¢. I didn’t have to shop around to know that it was a great deal. I left there completely satiated and my appetite for food had been satisfied.
I had a few clients in the late afternoon that stretched into the early evening by phone. I couldn’t leave them in the lurch. Technology made it easier for me to conduct my sessions from anywhere in the world.
There were exceptions and I was told that the caveat for working for a sports team would be to be there in person. They didn’t want to take a chance of one of their finest athletes falling through the cracks.
I was getting behind and the last session was 2 hours. By the time I finally finished, I had this mental exhaustion to deal with. I took the opportunity to have a nap without setting my alarm clock thinking that my internal alarm clock would wake me up. It didn’t.
I woke up to find that I had less than an hour to get to the stadium.
I began packing without giving it much thought. I threw everything together in a mad panic to reach him before he disembarked.
I carried my luggage over my arm and took one last look where he had been sitting in a compromising position. His chest and those massive biceps were going to be in close proximity. There was going to be no place to hide.
Chapter 6
Cadence
I was kicking myself and couldn’t believe I had the nerve to send that invitation after everything that had transpired. The damage had already been done and she had sent nothing back to confirm that she was coming along for the ride.
The panic attacks were getting worse and I almost fainted in the shower when everything began to spin out of control. I had this vision of a child’s face that I didn’t recognize, but it made me go cold inside.
I got dressed in a daze before getting on the bus idling with the engine running in the parking lot.
I was at the back of the bus leaning against the window and staring out into space. The fundraiser was a tedious exercise, but it was a mandatory function. Money for equipment and a new arena didn’t come cheap. It would need somebody with deep pockets to step forward.
I made small talk and posed for several pictures with the game ball from last year’s run for the Super Bowl. We came very close and this year was destined to be the year that I finally got that Super Bowl ring on my finger.
“If she’s not here by now then she’s probably not coming and maybe that is for the best. We act the fool and talk about women behind their back explicitly. I don’t want to have to censor myself afraid of offending her delicate sensibility.” Robert was my counterpart, lean and mean with a fighting spirit of a warrior running through his veins.
He was the only one privy to my condition and he had done everything he could to rally the troops. I was grateful for him for stepping into a leadership role while I was sidelined temporarily.
He was a good blocker and found his purpose by clearing the field for me. His position was temporary and I knew one day that he would walk a mile in my shoes. He followed my lead, but off the field, he was a dog.
There wasn’t one woman that was safe. I was reminded of a song from my youth when I was in the phase of hard rock. They would have to lock up their daughters and wives to prevent them from succumbing to his manly charm.
“The rest of the team believes that she is a reporter given an exclusive to shadow us for a huge story. I don’t want them to know any different. I know that I can count on you for your discretion.” His family had a complicated medical history involving mental distress.
He knew that there was a stigma that could follow an athlete and ruin their career. I didn’t have to explain it and he was able to paraphrase it in a few distinct sentences.
It was a sickness and nothing to be ashamed about. I wasn’t sure that I could prescribe to that notion. Mood swings were common and my temper was legendary with a few lockers with dents to prove my point.
Blinding headaches forced me to take a step back. They were debilitating and crippling worse than any migraine I had when I was a child.
The team arrived and stored their luggage under the bus. They were laughing and joking, punching each other in the arm having a bit of fun at each others’ expense.
I could only imagine what ridicule I would have to endure if my condition were to become public knowledge. I wasn’t going to take the risk of revealing that I was under the care of a mental practitioner. I led them to believe it was a physical anomaly that I was working through with physical therapy.
“We both know that concussions are a hazard of this profession. People are taking it a lot more seriously these days. Some of your symptoms sound like something you would find after being hit too hard, but not all of them. I will never utter a word to anybody and you have my assurance.” His blond hair was his trademark signature and the press had dubbed him Sampson.
I grabbed my headphones and found inspiration through psychological conditioning. This man gave me the courage to prevent chemicals from entering my body. I was never going to resort to pharmaceutical aids.
I heard his inspirational speech giving me the motivation to rise above expectations. It was highly subjective and the material could be equated to some kind of cult following. The only thing I knew for certain was that his words helped to alleviate the angst and give me a sense of peace.
Deborah was the only other person to show some compassion. Her personal approach and bedside manner was a little unnerving. I wasn’t sure that I could trust myself and how she would respond if I were to come on a little bit too strong.
I breathed a sigh of relief knowing I wasn’t going to have to handle an awkward situation. I sat back with my eyes closed listening to this man’s voice and feeling my heart rate going back to normal.
Somebody sat down next to me and it surprised me considering there were more than enough seats on the bus to accommodate the entire team including the coaches and trainers. I really didn’t think much about it until somebody touched me.
There was an unwritten rule. I wasn’t opposed to those members of the team revealing their sexuality, but this was taking things a little bit too far.
“I’m sorry that I’m late, but you know how hard it is to get a taxi at this time of night. I hope I didn’t keep you waiting. Sit back and relax. I don’t want you to get overtaxed,” She stressed and held my hand in a non-sexual way, but I was feeling this sudden itch that I couldn’t scratch.
I was trying to smile, but the air was heavy and dry suffocating me. I couldn’t understand why I had become tongue-tied. Having her close to me was too much to handle and I had this flight or fight instinct battling to see which one was going to be supreme.
“I thought you weren’t coming and I hate to admit this, but I was secretly relieved. Don’t take that the wrong way. I really do appreciate everything you have done for me. The first session broke down a barrier.” I said with my mind coming up with some dirty scenarios.
“I would like you to expand on that statement. This could be the breakthrough we have been looking for,” She suggested with her fingernails grazing the skin on my hand making me a little bit uncomfortable in my own skin.
“I can’t explain it, but I’ve been starting to get flashes of things I don’t remember happening,” I whispered with my head turned toward the window.
Her hand never moved from where it was on my hand. It was dark enough that nobody could see what was going on and the bus began to move with everybody settling in for the long haul.
It wouldn’t be long before everybody was sleeping soundly wearing their earplugs to cut out the ambient noise of the traffic. I had suggested it and found some resistance until they tried it for the first time. They never had a more peaceful sleep and many of them didn’t even wake up until they arrived at their final destination.
“If I were to make an educated guess, I would say that you are starting to relive some repressed memories. I’m not going to lie. This kind of thing can be painful and whatever trauma you had in the past is coming to the surface.” She moved a little closer until our legs were touching and I couldn’t make a scene without waking up the rest of the team.
“I’m surprised that you could make it on such short notice.” I was trying to change the subject.
Something about talking about my past gave me this feeling of somebody walking over my grave. Whatever was happening to me was now manifesting into physical symptoms. I was getting nosebleeds and this sudden bout of arthritic pain in my hands with the sensation of freezing cold.
I had taken a few Tylenol, but they merely masked what was going on inside of me physically and emotionally. It was basically a stopgap solution to a greater problem.
“Nice try, but I’m not going to bite. I do have other patients demanding my time, but nothing is more important than your state of mind. I was able to juggle things around and still be able to do my job. With that out of the way, I want you to think back to the first time you saw a memory that you didn’t have before and tell me every detail no matter how small it might be.” She was rubbing my knee and my pants were starting to get a little bit too tight for obvious reasons.
“I see this little boy with his eyes bugging out of his skull. I don’t recognize him, but I believe that I know him. It’s the damnedest thing and I hope that you can make sense out of it.” I tried to do what she told me to do, but it was creating this painful explosion in my head.
“I want you to keep going, but I can see that this is taking a toll on you. We can stop and revisit this in the morning when you are fully rested.
“What is happening to me? I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t sleep and I can barely eat. I have to get this monkey off of my back and get back to what I do better than most. Isn’t there some quick fix that you can prescribe? What about breathing exercises or hypnosis?” I asked, feeling like I was always in second gear going nowhere fast.
“The mind is a mystery and there’s no telling what will trigger repressed memories. It could be as simple as a word or something you see. I am very good at my job,” She bragged, but she was proving to be a great asset in a troubling time.
“I have this raging headache and if I wasn’t sitting, I would be down on my knees screaming. If I stay completely still, it sometimes helps, but not always.” I lay back against the seat with my eyes closed.
I could feel her fingers inching a little bit closer along the inside of my thigh. I could have stopped her, but it felt too damn good when I was in a fair amount of pain.
I sighed deeply and the pain subsided to be replaced by pleasure. It was merely a tease but ignited a firestorm inside of my mind. I wasn’t sure if this was unethical, but it was working to relieve me of the most severe symptoms. She didn’t touch me directly, but she did circle the area.
“I know that feels good from the expression on your face, but we’re risking going down the same road. The best way to fight those headaches is with something more pleasing. Tactile touch is a therapeutic technique and I’m not just saying that. Don’t give it any more thought and just go with the flow,” She urged with her fingers playing over my body in a not so subtle way.
I had a physical reaction and my zipper was barely able to contain my enlarged condition. I didn’t know where her hand was going to be next and half the fun was guessing.
She had her hand going up my back with her fingernails raking down along my spine. She was pressing her thumbs into my skin every so often eliciting this very low moan of approval from my lips.
I gasped a few times when the pleasure that she was inflicting made my cock jerk in my briefs. They were tight and constricting, but the blood flow through my cock was strong and prominent. I had risen to the occasion. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been so hard. It was like it had a pulse of its own.
“I have a multitude of tricks up my sleeve. There are pressure points in the body to release those pleasurable endorphins. I studied under a master and learned how best to use the body’s own healing properties.” She confessed with her fingers still making my body into an experiment with favourable results
“I feel so relaxed and I have you to thank for that.” My eyes were drifting and getting heavy.
The last thing I heard before darkness swallowed me was something that gave me a lot to think about. I just didn’t have time to fully appreciate how far she was willing to go to make me feel better
“It’s my pleasure and I’ve been wondering how I was going to get my hands on you again. Who knew that it was going to be this easy?” She said not realizing that I was still listening.
Chapter 7
Deborah
I don’t know how I managed, but I didn’t take advantage of him. It was harder than I wanted to admit. Each time was making me look at him differently. He was a feast for my eyes and those thoughts that I couldn’t say out loud was feeding me the necessary encouragement.
I did watch him sleep peacefully with a smile on his face. It made me feel good to give him that momentary respite, but I knew the work had only begun. I should’ve referred him to another doctor but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I had grown quite fond of him and I was determined to see him through to the end. I didn’t have to think about it. He was important to me and I was overcome with these intense feelings that held me hostage.
I was able to relax and I found myself grabbing for his headphones which were lying in his lap on top of the object of my desire.
The drivel coming out of this man’s mouth on the tape made me sick to my stomach. He was pandering to the lowest common denominator. It would have given me great joy to wrap my hands around his throat for taking advantage of those that didn’t know any better.
It was his soothing words and not the message behind them. It was giving those willing to fork out the money for a placebo effect. A lower register could lull somebody into a false sense of security.
It perturbed me that he could flippantly take the hard earned cash from the pockets of those that were suffering from a real mental illness. He was exactly like a sex worker talking on the phone with the kind of voice to make you feel like you were on cloud nine.
I didn’t sleep much and Cadence finally roused when the sun was temporarily blinding him. The crack of dawn was followed by the incessant squawking of vehicle horns. We had made it to Cleveland no worse for wear.
“I can’t remember the last time I slept like a baby.” He was rubbing his temples and then he popped a couple of pills which wasn’t the answer. “I’m taking them as a precaution and I need to be at my best tonight to face the Browns. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t look like you got much sleep. I feel bad that I kept you up worrying about me.” He looked pretty damn smug about it and I was going to have to burst his bubble.
“Don’t flatter yourself. I have problems sleeping in a moving vehicle. It’s been like that since I was young during r
oad trips with my family. I have this acute motion sickness and I have to see where I’m going to prevent myself from being sick.” I gathered up my jacket in brown suede, but first I looked out the window to make sure that it wasn’t going to be ruined by the elements.
I followed the trail of zombie-like bodies mumbling underneath their breath and wiping the sleep from the corners of their eyes. They had been awakened from a deep sleep courtesy of the earplugs which all of them were wearing including the trainers and coaches.
I turned to Cadence, but he figured out what I was going to say before I said it
“It’s a trick that I learned from my grandfather. He was always using them to drown out my grandmother’s snoring, but he never came out and said that at the risk of getting his ears smacked,” He snickered and held his hand over his mouth, but it didn’t stop me from seeing the wide smile on his face.
I punched him playfully on the arm and he feigned to be the injured party by grimacing. I knew that he was acting hurt and he cringed when I tried to do it again before breaking out in hysterics.
The rest of the team turned and gave us a funny look. We had to be careful and rumors could be started with the smallest inclination. I didn’t want them to think that I was giving him preferential treatment when I was given a part to play.
This time I had come prepared with an old style cassette deck. I excused myself and went down the stairs to confront a few of the players about their latest performance and how they planned to improve.
They were jovial and gave me their honest opinions which I recorded for posterity. It was never going to see the light of day, but I felt empowered by my fake press credentials to dig a little deeper into their psyche. They didn’t know it, but I was getting them to open up about their family dynamic and pinpointing certain areas that were causing me some concern. Those were future problems.
