Finding Sarah

by Sarah Ferguson

  Then something within me began to shift: an internal changing of the guard, of the past relinquishing itself to the future—my future. I had broken into the sadness and I hugged my pain … and it wasn’t so terrible after all.

  Once you stop fighting the pain or trying to mask it, it loses its viselike grip over you. You have to embrace it; it lets you know there’s life there. It is the bright light of hope and strength for healing. It gives you the wisdom and inner confidence to know that it’s not the end of the world.

  Unless we feel the pain, we can never get past the sadness or hurt.

  I was moving forward, shedding a skin, realizing that the purpose of being human is to undergo metamorphosis.

  On April 29, I said “good-bye” … good-bye to an old existence that I am no longer part of. I fully accepted that it is in the dark places that we find ourselves. My days had often been dark, and I knew the light would be wonderful when it came.

  32 Found

  I charted a course to serve me, and the wind brought me home.

  MY JOURNEY CHANGED me in ways small and large. I am no longer the fixer of my parents’ brokenness, nor the perfect princess or duchess who is expected to get it all right. I am not the person who used to beat herself up emotionally because she thought everything that went wrong was her fault. I am not the person who spends all of her time trying to win approval so everyone will like her.

  That person has vanished, and there is no need to send out a search party.

  In her place is simply Sarah, me at my true core.

  I used to feel abandoned because, really, I abandoned myself. At age twelve, I locked up my true self, and I remember buying the padlocks. I created a person, someone I didn’t want to be, who I hadn’t been able to get in touch with for a long time. I felt totally and utterly useless. I had created quite a pity party for myself and it was a party of one. There were moments when I felt panic that maybe I was just a shell of a person, that there really was nothing left inside. I lost myself in that life for a long time.

  Between my true self and where I stood, there fell a distance. And so I set out to transverse that gap and discover who I am, not so that my family or friends know but so that I would know. I questioned every part of my life, layer after layer, deeper and deeper.

  The experience awakened my heart and connected me to the joy, love, and wisdom inside me. It enabled me to recognize and see angles and corners of myself that I neither knew about nor believed existed. I grew aware of possibilities and quantities of freedom that loosened the locks and chains that had gathered rust over so many years. I let my true self out of prison.

  Slowly I learned to feel free and whole, whereas previously I’d let fear, anxiety, and anger gnaw at me and dictate my way of thinking and acting. I had acquired these destructive emotions from my environment and took them to be the most suitable armor for defending myself against a sea of pain, fear, and desperation.

  Of everything I faced, the most testing thing of all was self-hatred. Before, when I looked in a mirror, I did not think nice things about myself. Or if I walked into a room, and someone looked me up and down, I would immediately think I had done something wrong, that I looked awful or ugly, or that that person didn’t like me. I believed the hatred of myself to such a degree, that if horrible things were written about me, I believed them to be true.

  I no longer think like that.

  I discovered I am smart. I am special and unique. Very sensitive, loving, caring, and sooo funny. My friends and family will love me no matter what. I am important. I have the right to love and to be loved. I can be whatever I want to be, because I already possess all I need to succeed.

  I discovered, too, that the best job I have ever done was as a mother. It has been my greatest joy to watch my daughters unfold—formulating their own beliefs and values from the foundation I created for them. I have simply watched them in this process, needing to step in very seldom. They live with the power of example, and I have taught them to find love in everyone, never shutting the door, even if that means only a small crack of life, love, or light can shine through.

  Have you ever considered why, on an airplane, the flight attendant tells you to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you help your child? It is because your child’s well-being depends on it. If you aren’t grounded, present, calm, and able to breathe, there is no way you can help others. I have learned to put my own oxygen mask on first. If I don’t nurture myself first, I’ll have less nurturing to give to those who most need me.

  I am living proof that patterns of unhealthy behavior as well as decades-old issues of self-hatred can—with intervention, examination, and commitment—be changed. In the sixth decade of my life, I look back on my times of turbulence, and, in a way, I am grateful they happened. If I had not taken the wrong path I would not be where I am today. Finding myself, and then getting myself back, are the true beginnings of a better life.

  Are there aspects of myself I am still working on? Absolutely. I am working hard to forgive myself for my divorce and leaving Andrew. We had such a love, we still do, and although we now both love each other unconditionally, to live with regret is so difficult. Every day I face it. A very dear friend of mine says, “Forgiveness comes when you give up hope of being able to change the past.” So true.

  I still go back and forth about answering my critics. My conceived notions of others’ opinions were so much a part of me and shaped my overall self-concept. As hard as I tried to ignore the cruel comments of others, they eventually became subconsciously embedded in my mind. Now I realize that, in one sense, acknowledging them gives them power. In another sense, defending yourself can be a source of strength. Either way, there is a fine line between getting into a useless name-calling game and trying to right the wrongs. Sometimes I think it seems pointless to try to counter the critics because they will always be there. But, honestly, I would like to live in a world where people are judged by what they actually do instead of what the media says they do.

  I know I am a work in progress. I am sure to make mistakes. But I am no longer afraid of adversity. I can see it as the gift it really is. Adversity tests our courage, forces us to create new solutions, and imbues us with empathy for others and the world. When we face adversity, we can do one of two things. One, we can learn from the experience, strive to do better, apply ourselves, and rearrange our lives to make it work, and maybe pull it off, despite a rocky start. Or, two, we can receive the information of our failure as feedback, use it to help us learn about ourselves and figure out where we could best direct our energies. Adversity is our greatest teacher. It taught me that our most important task is to conquer the demons that rob us of living full out every moment of every day.

  Here is what I would ask of you: Examine your own life and truly take a look at yourself. Do you feel you have charted the course you desire? With the knowledge that our time on earth is limited, it is important that you ask yourself if you are living life well. Are you living with a sense of joy, happiness, and generosity to others? If not, what do you need to do to change your direction? Fortunately, this process of recognition, review, self-understanding, and insight can lead you to find the promise of peace, hope, love, and joy that exists in every one of us.

  The essay “The Station” by Robert J. Hastings contains these wonderful lines:

  But uppermost in our conscious minds is our final destination—for at a certain hour and on a given day, our train will finally pull into the station with bells ringing, flags waving, and bands playing. And once that day comes, so many wonderful dreams will come true. So restlessly, we pace the aisles and count the miles, peering ahead, waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.

  “Yes, when we reach the station, that will be it!” we promise ourselves. “When we’re eighteen … win that promotion … put the last kid through college … buy that 450SL Mercedes-Benz … have a nest egg for retirement!”

  From that day on we will all live happily ever after.

>   Sooner or later, however, we must realize there is no station in this life, no one earthly place to arrive at once and for all. The journey is the joy …

  So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, swim more rivers, climb more mountains, kiss more babies, count more stars. Laugh more and cry less. Go barefoot oftener. Eat more ice cream. Ride more merry-go-rounds. Watch more sunsets. Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough.

  As for me, I am sitting in the sunlight and looking out over my bluebell wood. I do not know when I will arrive at the next station in life, or what it will bring, but in waiting for it, I feel more excitement than I do apprehension. I have purpose, I have joy, I have peace, I have love.

  And I can see my smile in a cup of tea.

  NUGGETS:

  • Don’t believe that everybody has the right to answer—check with yourself first.

  • I want to tell you that no matter how insurmountable your problems may seem, you can change yourself for the better. If I can do it, so I can you.

  • I’m living my life as I see fit, despite what others think or what the press say about me. Today I am living my life according to my truth.

  Girlies we are the Tripod; we are united with our golden cord wrapped around our Hearts. Wherever, whenever, TOGETHER.

  I am a work in progress, my new life is just beginning. It feels like I have just woken up from a long dream. I am now awake and aware, and it feels like a peaceful warm blanket to my heart and soul. I am honored to be your Mother, in fact it is the one job that I have done really well. I am never more proud of you in every way, you are strong, confident, hard working and true to the depths of your Hearts. No mother could beam with more pride and joy than when I look into your eyes and squash you into a Bear Hug of excitement when I see you.

  I love you my Dearest Darling Angels.

  your devoted

  Acknowledgments

  TO ALL THE staff at Royal Lodge, led by Terence Holdforth. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your goodness and for making it possible for me to stand and smile. To Amanda-Jane, my friend who has been by my side forever.

  To Colin Tebbutt, Dafydd Jenkins, Harry Galliven, Phil Danvers, and Mark Harry—your loyalty knows no bounds. Thank you, Colin. We have seen each other through thick and thin, you have been constant to me and my family, and words are not enough to honor you. Thank you.

  To all my devoted staff, past and present, who have stayed strong and robustly loyal at the coalface. Thank you all for never ever letting me fall, when I am sure you must have been weak with exhaustion.

  To Madge—my dear Kate Waddington. You have been for twenty years at the coalface with me; I cannot thank you enough and always I send big love … And to all at Sputnik—thank you, especially Katherine.

  To John-Boy, I will never forget you XX.

  To Helen Jones—I miss you and your loyalty knows no bounds—with my devoted love.

  To Gerry Casanova with love and thank you to my artistic Libran.

  To Paul Lachman, thank you for your kindness and loyalty.

  To my magical friends who have remained steadfast, kind, and full of compassion. I am so deeply grateful for your friendship—thank you.

  To Poppina… your mother, Carolyn, my Angel, would be so proud of you, love you x.

  To my Debonnaire and Eric Buterbaugh, you MADE it possible to carry on. All love and thank you.

  To my darling Frooty, Christopher Ambler, and Poppy, you are my family and your strength is beyond words.

  To Giuseppe Cipriani—you are always my shelter in a storm. Thank you.

  To Stefania and Olivia Girombelli with love & LADY BUGS.

  To my dearest Bonita, you are my lovely most special sister.

  To my lovely darling Lee who makes my life shine, and everyday is better with her in it.

  To Martino and Grant, you make my life better.

  To Simon Griffiths and his lovely wife, Lisa, how do you manage with such compassion and love? Thank you for all my financial support.

  To Amanda Thirsk, thank you for all your help. I am deeply grateful to you. You always keep calm and fight on for the family.

  To Tim and Janey Ryan, thank you for your magical friendship—and for always being at the end of the telephone and for being there when my world fell apart.

  To James Henderson, thank you for your unending patience and loyalty in the press trenches. To Alex Boyd-Carpenter thank you for keeping James and me upright whilst looking after all my press and publicity.

  To Amanda Lewis—with my love and here’s to Khyber Road! Thank you.

  To Camilla de Caires and your kind heart. Thank you.

  To Rachel Virden, thank you for your enthusiastic goodness, and always picking up the telephone.

  To Harry Keogh, Mark Simmons, and all at RBS. Thank you.

  To Sachi Caldera at HSBC. Thank you.

  To Marcus Leaver and all at Sterling Publishers.

  To Josh Salzman, my buddy.

  To Marcus Weston, you are my shining star.

  To Karen Wellman and Zana Morris, thank you.

  To all my charities, you give me the strength to go on. Thank you.

  To Children in Crisis and my friends at Stewart’s Road.

  To Olivier and Zoe de Givenchy.

  To Libby Caudwell—You are my shining star and I love my Libs.

  To John and Claire Caudwell and your kind strength in adversity; when all turned their backs, you did not.

  To S. With love and thanks from your Emma Harte.

  To Hugh Lillingston, you have changed my life. Thank you.

  To all the porters and doormen in the hotels that I visit. Thank you.

  To all at Heathrow and Gatwick Special Services, you make my life so much easier.

  To Mimi Poskett and Antonia Marshall with so much gratitude and big love.

  To Heather McGregor, thank you for all your advice, friendship, and love.

  To all my lovely friends at the OWN network.

  To Lisa Erspamer, Kimi Culp, Rod Aissa—what would my life be like without you? Thank you so much.

  To my Lisa (Louis and Lily). You have never broken your word, you are a pillar of strength, and you guide me with creative brilliance. Thank you, my sister.

  To Kimi and her babies, thank you for fighting for me.

  To Cindi Berger and Janet Ringwood, you are professional, strong, kind publicists, thank you.

  To all my special friends at World of Wonder—thank you.

  To Fenton Bailey, thank you for believing in me all those years ago.

  To my lovely Elise Duran, you are my special friend lovely hairy dog.

  To Anne Keating, with all my love and thank you.

  To Ken Sunshine, my friend who suggested going to Oprah.

  To Jack and Cindi Mori. Thank you for helping me to Oprah and being so kind and full of love.

  To Heidi Krupp, thank you for helping me to Oprah with love and thanks to you.

  To Dr. Peter Prociuk, for all your help, advice, and support. You have been amazing.

  To Libby Moore and Peggy, and the Sarah Summit. You have held on to Sarah, and thank you for caring so deeply.

  To my little magician lady, the beautiful Robin McGraw, with my love and so many thanks.

  To Dr. Phil, thank you for all your friendship, wisdom, and being the giant of strength who has guided my life.

  To Suze Orman, LYLAS. I have no words to thank you, I follow in your footsteps. Thank you for your loving guidance and goodness.

  To KT, for kindness and love and mustard pots!

  To Anamika, you are my shining star, my steadfast friend, my rock in stormy waters. I love you.

  To Martha Beck, thank you for being incredible and my sister. All my love to you.

  To Koelle, you are superb and so much love.

  To Mark Nepo, you have inspired me, and thank you from my heart.

  To Prudence Hall and all at the Hall Health and Longevity Center. You have given
me my energy and life back. Thank you.

  To my friends Ken Browning and Julie Groome, thank you.

  To Eric and Mary Cowan, thank you so much for all your guidance and compassion and so much love.

  To Bill and Aimee Beslow and all the magic of Charlotte and Beatrice. Thank you so and much love.

  To Sara Weinstein, you give me strength, love, and wisdom. I admire you.

  To Faith Cheltenham, you are exceptional and now you Twitter and connect me to the world—you live up to your name. Thank you.

  To Nick Gonzales, with my huge thanks for your expertise and help.

  To Agnes, my sweet Polish hairdresser, thank you.

  To Tatyana, with all my thanks.

  To Kat Miccio, with my huge thanks and love.

  To John Scott, thank you so much.

  To Larry Schwartz, you are my Planet.

  To Angela Mathes Shapiro, with all my friendship, love, and thank you.

  To Lou Palumbo and Kevin Jacobsen. I will never be able to thank you enough.

  To Claudio Visconti, my fast and furious driver—thank you.

  To Stedman Graham, thank you so much for all your wise and strong advice—you are a pillar of strength; I am in awe of your wisdom.

  To Janet Ripley, thank you.

  To Angella Cole and your deliciousness from Picky Eaters. Thank you.

  To all the Affleck family. Thank you for my stay in Yellowknife.

  To Ray Zahab and Bob Cox. You make Impossible to Possible.

  To Terry Woolf, I won’t forget your words in the Arctic, they inspired me to carry on.

  To all my friends in Spain and lovely Michele and Dave.

  To Paula Wiseman, thank you for your kindness in always being there for me with love.

  To Linda Medvene and Gabriella, you are always with me with love.

  And finally to all those who have helped me with this book:

  To Judith Curr, thank you for this amazing book and for your patience and friendship.

  To Emily Bestler, for all your publishing brilliance.