Gulliver's Travels into Several Remote Nations of the World

by Jonathan Swift

  CHAPTER III.

  The author sent for to court. The queen buys him of his master thefarmer, and presents him to the king. He disputes with his majesty'sgreat scholars. An apartment at court provided for the author. He is inhigh favour with the queen. He stands up for the honour of his owncountry. His quarrels with the queen's dwarf.

  The frequent labours I underwent every day, made, in a few weeks, a veryconsiderable change in my health: the more my master got by me, the moreinsatiable he grew. I had quite lost my stomach, and was almost reducedto a skeleton. The farmer observed it, and concluding I must soon die,resolved to make as good a hand of me as he could. While he was thusreasoning and resolving with himself, a _sardral_, or gentleman-usher,came from court, commanding my master to carry me immediately thither forthe diversion of the queen and her ladies. Some of the latter hadalready been to see me, and reported strange things of my beauty,behaviour, and good sense. Her majesty, and those who attended her, werebeyond measure delighted with my demeanour. I fell on my knees, andbegged the honour of kissing her imperial foot; but this graciousprincess held out her little finger towards me, after I was set on thetable, which I embraced in both my arms, and put the tip of it with theutmost respect to my lip. She made me some general questions about mycountry and my travels, which I answered as distinctly, and in as fewwords as I could. She asked, "whether I could be content to live atcourt?" I bowed down to the board of the table, and humbly answered"that I was my master's slave: but, if I were at my own disposal, Ishould be proud to devote my life to her majesty's service." She thenasked my master, "whether he was willing to sell me at a good price?"He, who apprehended I could not live a month, was ready enough to partwith me, and demanded a thousand pieces of gold, which were ordered himon the spot, each piece being about the bigness of eight hundredmoidores; but allowing for the proportion of all things between thatcountry and Europe, and the high price of gold among them, was hardly sogreat a sum as a thousand guineas would be in England. I then said tothe queen, "since I was now her majesty's most humble creature andvassal, I must beg the favour, that Glumdalclitch, who had always tendedme with so much care and kindness, and understood to do it so well, mightbe admitted into her service, and continue to be my nurse andinstructor."

  Her majesty agreed to my petition, and easily got the farmer's consent,who was glad enough to have his daughter preferred at court, and the poorgirl herself was not able to hide her joy. My late master withdrew,bidding me farewell, and saying he had left me in a good service; towhich I replied not a word, only making him a slight bow.

  The queen observed my coldness; and, when the farmer was gone out of theapartment, asked me the reason. I made bold to tell her majesty, "that Iowed no other obligation to my late master, than his not dashing out thebrains of a poor harmless creature, found by chance in his fields: whichobligation was amply recompensed, by the gain he had made in showing methrough half the kingdom, and the price he had now sold me for. That thelife I had since led was laborious enough to kill an animal of ten timesmy strength. That my health was much impaired, by the continual drudgeryof entertaining the rabble every hour of the day; and that, if my masterhad not thought my life in danger, her majesty would not have got socheap a bargain. But as I was out of all fear of being ill-treated underthe protection of so great and good an empress, the ornament of nature,the darling of the world, the delight of her subjects, the phoenix of thecreation, so I hoped my late master's apprehensions would appear to begroundless; for I already found my spirits revive, by the influence ofher most august presence."

  This was the sum of my speech, delivered with great improprieties andhesitation. The latter part was altogether framed in the style peculiarto that people, whereof I learned some phrases from Glumdalclitch, whileshe was carrying me to court.

  The queen, giving great allowance for my defectiveness in speaking, was,however, surprised at so much wit and good sense in so diminutive ananimal. She took me in her own hand, and carried me to the king, who wasthen retired to his cabinet. His majesty, a prince of much gravity andaustere countenance, not well observing my shape at first view, asked thequeen after a cold manner "how long it was since she grew fond of a_splacnuck_?" for such it seems he took me to be, as I lay upon my breastin her majesty's right hand. But this princess, who has an infinite dealof wit and humour, set me gently on my feet upon the scrutoire, andcommanded me to give his majesty an account of myself, which I did in avery few words: and Glumdalclitch who attended at the cabinet door, andcould not endure I should be out of her sight, being admitted, confirmedall that had passed from my arrival at her father's house.

  The king, although he be as learned a person as any in his dominions, hadbeen educated in the study of philosophy, and particularly mathematics;yet when he observed my shape exactly, and saw me walk erect, before Ibegan to speak, conceived I might be a piece of clock-work (which is inthat country arrived to a very great perfection) contrived by someingenious artist. But when he heard my voice, and found what I deliveredto be regular and rational, he could not conceal his astonishment. Hewas by no means satisfied with the relation I gave him of the manner Icame into his kingdom, but thought it a story concerted betweenGlumdalclitch and her father, who had taught me a set of words to make mesell at a better price. Upon this imagination, he put several otherquestions to me, and still received rational answers: no otherwisedefective than by a foreign accent, and an imperfect knowledge in thelanguage, with some rustic phrases which I had learned at the farmer'shouse, and did not suit the polite style of a court.

  His majesty sent for three great scholars, who were then in their weeklywaiting, according to the custom in that country. These gentlemen, afterthey had a while examined my shape with much nicety, were of differentopinions concerning me. They all agreed that I could not be producedaccording to the regular laws of nature, because I was not framed with acapacity of preserving my life, either by swiftness, or climbing oftrees, or digging holes in the earth. They observed by my teeth, whichthey viewed with great exactness, that I was a carnivorous animal; yetmost quadrupeds being an overmatch for me, and field mice, with someothers, too nimble, they could not imagine how I should be able tosupport myself, unless I fed upon snails and other insects, which theyoffered, by many learned arguments, to evince that I could not possiblydo. One of these virtuosi seemed to think that I might be an embryo, orabortive birth. But this opinion was rejected by the other two, whoobserved my limbs to be perfect and finished; and that I had livedseveral years, as it was manifest from my beard, the stumps whereof theyplainly discovered through a magnifying glass. They would not allow meto be a dwarf, because my littleness was beyond all degrees ofcomparison; for the queen's favourite dwarf, the smallest ever known inthat kingdom, was near thirty feet high. After much debate, theyconcluded unanimously, that I was only _relplum scalcath_, which isinterpreted literally _lusus naturae_; a determination exactly agreeableto the modern philosophy of Europe, whose professors, disdaining the oldevasion of occult causes, whereby the followers of Aristotle endeavouredin vain to disguise their ignorance, have invented this wonderfulsolution of all difficulties, to the unspeakable advancement of humanknowledge.

  After this decisive conclusion, I entreated to be heard a word or two. Iapplied myself to the king, and assured his majesty, "that I came from acountry which abounded with several millions of both sexes, and of my ownstature; where the animals, trees, and houses, were all in proportion,and where, by consequence, I might be as able to defend myself, and tofind sustenance, as any of his majesty's subjects could do here; which Itook for a full answer to those gentlemen's arguments." To this theyonly replied with a smile of contempt, saying, "that the farmer hadinstructed me very well in my lesson." The king, who had a much betterunderstanding, dismissing his learned men, sent for the farmer, who bygood fortune was not yet gone out of town. Having therefore firstexamined him privately, and then confronted him with me and the younggirl, his majesty began to think that wh
at we told him might possibly betrue. He desired the queen to order that a particular care should betaken of me; and was of opinion that Glumdalclitch should still continuein her office of tending me, because he observed we had a great affectionfor each other. A convenient apartment was provided for her at court:she had a sort of governess appointed to take care of her education, amaid to dress her, and two other servants for menial offices; but thecare of me was wholly appropriated to herself. The queen commanded herown cabinet-maker to contrive a box, that might serve me for abedchamber, after the model that Glumdalclitch and I should agree upon.This man was a most ingenious artist, and according to my direction, inthree weeks finished for me a wooden chamber of sixteen feet square, andtwelve high, with sash-windows, a door, and two closets, like a Londonbed-chamber. The board, that made the ceiling, was to be lifted up anddown by two hinges, to put in a bed ready furnished by her majesty'supholsterer, which Glumdalclitch took out every day to air, made it withher own hands, and letting it down at night, locked up the roof over me.A nice workman, who was famous for little curiosities, undertook to makeme two chairs, with backs and frames, of a substance not unlike ivory,and two tables, with a cabinet to put my things in. The room was quiltedon all sides, as well as the floor and the ceiling, to prevent anyaccident from the carelessness of those who carried me, and to break theforce of a jolt, when I went in a coach. I desired a lock for my door,to prevent rats and mice from coming in. The smith, after severalattempts, made the smallest that ever was seen among them, for I haveknown a larger at the gate of a gentleman's house in England. I made ashift to keep the key in a pocket of my own, fearing Glumdalclitch mightlose it. The queen likewise ordered the thinnest silks that could begotten, to make me clothes, not much thicker than an English blanket,very cumbersome till I was accustomed to them. They were after thefashion of the kingdom, partly resembling the Persian, and partly theChinese, and are a very grave and decent habit.

  The queen became so fond of my company, that she could not dine withoutme. I had a table placed upon the same at which her majesty ate, just ather left elbow, and a chair to sit on. Glumdalclitch stood on a stool onthe floor near my table, to assist and take care of me. I had an entireset of silver dishes and plates, and other necessaries, which, inproportion to those of the queen, were not much bigger than what I haveseen in a London toy-shop for the furniture of a baby-house: these mylittle nurse kept in her pocket in a silver box, and gave me at meals asI wanted them, always cleaning them herself. No person dined with thequeen but the two princesses royal, the eldest sixteen years old, and theyounger at that time thirteen and a month. Her majesty used to put a bitof meat upon one of my dishes, out of which I carved for myself, and herdiversion was to see me eat in miniature: for the queen (who had indeedbut a weak stomach) took up, at one mouthful, as much as a dozen Englishfarmers could eat at a meal, which to me was for some time a verynauseous sight. She would craunch the wing of a lark, bones and all,between her teeth, although it were nine times as large as that of afull-grown turkey; and put a bit of bread into her mouth as big as twotwelve-penny loaves. She drank out of a golden cup, above a hogshead ata draught. Her knives were twice as long as a scythe, set straight uponthe handle. The spoons, forks, and other instruments, were all in thesame proportion. I remember when Glumdalclitch carried me, out ofcuriosity, to see some of the tables at court, where ten or a dozen ofthose enormous knives and forks were lifted up together, I thought I hadnever till then beheld so terrible a sight.

  It is the custom, that every Wednesday (which, as I have observed, istheir Sabbath) the king and queen, with the royal issue of both sexes,dine together in the apartment of his majesty, to whom I was now become agreat favourite; and at these times, my little chair and table wereplaced at his left hand, before one of the salt-cellars. This princetook a pleasure in conversing with me, inquiring into the manners,religion, laws, government, and learning of Europe; wherein I gave himthe best account I was able. His apprehension was so clear, and hisjudgment so exact, that he made very wise reflections and observationsupon all I said. But I confess, that, after I had been a little toocopious in talking of my own beloved country, of our trade and wars bysea and land, of our schisms in religion, and parties in the state; theprejudices of his education prevailed so far, that he could not forbeartaking me up in his right hand, and stroking me gently with the other,after a hearty fit of laughing, asked me, "whether I was a whig or tory?"Then turning to his first minister, who waited behind him with a whitestaff, near as tall as the mainmast of the Royal Sovereign, he observed"how contemptible a thing was human grandeur, which could be mimicked bysuch diminutive insects as I: and yet," says he, "I dare engage thesecreatures have their titles and distinctions of honour; they contrivelittle nests and burrows, that they call houses and cities; they make afigure in dress and equipage; they love, they fight, they dispute, theycheat, they betray!" And thus he continued on, while my colour came andwent several times, with indignation, to hear our noble country, themistress of arts and arms, the scourge of France, the arbitress ofEurope, the seat of virtue, piety, honour, and truth, the pride and envyof the world, so contemptuously treated.

  But as I was not in a condition to resent injuries, so upon maturethoughts I began to doubt whether I was injured or no. For, after havingbeen accustomed several months to the sight and converse of this people,and observed every object upon which I cast mine eyes to be ofproportionable magnitude, the horror I had at first conceived from theirbulk and aspect was so far worn off, that if I had then beheld a companyof English lords and ladies in their finery and birth-day clothes, actingtheir several parts in the most courtly manner of strutting, and bowing,and prating, to say the truth, I should have been strongly tempted tolaugh as much at them as the king and his grandees did at me. Neither,indeed, could I forbear smiling at myself, when the queen used to placeme upon her hand towards a looking-glass, by which both our personsappeared before me in full view together; and there could be nothing moreridiculous than the comparison; so that I really began to imagine myselfdwindled many degrees below my usual size.

  Nothing angered and mortified me so much as the queen's dwarf; who beingof the lowest stature that was ever in that country (for I verily thinkhe was not full thirty feet high), became so insolent at seeing acreature so much beneath him, that he would always affect to swagger andlook big as he passed by me in the queen's antechamber, while I wasstanding on some table talking with the lords or ladies of the court, andhe seldom failed of a smart word or two upon my littleness; against whichI could only revenge myself by calling him brother, challenging him towrestle, and such repartees as are usually in the mouths of court pages.One day, at dinner, this malicious little cub was so nettled withsomething I had said to him, that, raising himself upon the frame of hermajesty's chair, he took me up by the middle, as I was sitting down, notthinking any harm, and let me drop into a large silver bowl of cream, andthen ran away as fast as he could. I fell over head and ears, and, if Ihad not been a good swimmer, it might have gone very hard with me; forGlumdalclitch in that instant happened to be at the other end of theroom, and the queen was in such a fright, that she wanted presence ofmind to assist me. But my little nurse ran to my relief, and took meout, after I had swallowed above a quart of cream. I was put to bed:however, I received no other damage than the loss of a suit of clothes,which was utterly spoiled. The dwarf was soundly whipt, and as a fartherpunishment, forced to drink up the bowl of cream into which he had thrownme: neither was he ever restored to favour; for soon after the queenbestowed him on a lady of high quality, so that I saw him no more, to myvery great satisfaction; for I could not tell to what extremities such amalicious urchin might have carried his resentment.

  He had before served me a scurvy trick, which set the queen a-laughing,although at the same time she was heartily vexed, and would haveimmediately cashiered him, if I had not been so generous as to intercede.Her majesty had taken a marrow-bone upon her plate, and, after knockingout the marro
w, placed the bone again in the dish erect, as it stoodbefore; the dwarf, watching his opportunity, while Glumdalclitch was goneto the side-board, mounted the stool that she stood on to take care of meat meals, took me up in both hands, and squeezing my legs together,wedged them into the marrow bone above my waist, where I stuck for sometime, and made a very ridiculous figure. I believe it was near a minutebefore any one knew what was become of me; for I thought it below me tocry out. But, as princes seldom get their meat hot, my legs were notscalded, only my stockings and breeches in a sad condition. The dwarf,at my entreaty, had no other punishment than a sound whipping.

  I was frequently rallied by the queen upon account of my fearfulness; andshe used to ask me whether the people of my country were as great cowardsas myself? The occasion was this: the kingdom is much pestered withflies in summer; and these odious insects, each of them as big as aDunstable lark, hardly gave me any rest while I sat at dinner, with theircontinual humming and buzzing about mine ears. They would sometimesalight upon my victuals, and leave their loathsome excrement, or spawnbehind, which to me was very visible, though not to the natives of thatcountry, whose large optics were not so acute as mine, in viewing smallerobjects. Sometimes they would fix upon my nose, or forehead, where theystung me to the quick, smelling very offensively; and I could easilytrace that viscous matter, which, our naturalists tell us, enables thosecreatures to walk with their feet upwards upon a ceiling. I had much adoto defend myself against these detestable animals, and could not forbearstarting when they came on my face. It was the common practice of thedwarf, to catch a number of these insects in his hand, as schoolboys doamong us, and let them out suddenly under my nose, on purpose to frightenme, and divert the queen. My remedy was to cut them in pieces with myknife, as they flew in the air, wherein my dexterity was much admired.

  I remember, one morning, when Glumdalclitch had set me in a box upon awindow, as she usually did in fair days to give me air (for I durst notventure to let the box be hung on a nail out of the window, as we do withcages in England), after I had lifted up one of my sashes, and sat downat my table to eat a piece of sweet cake for my breakfast, above twentywasps, allured by the smell, came flying into the room, humming louderthan the drones of as many bagpipes. Some of them seized my cake, andcarried it piecemeal away; others flew about my head and face,confounding me with the noise, and putting me in the utmost terror oftheir stings. However, I had the courage to rise and draw my hanger, andattack them in the air. I dispatched four of them, but the rest gotaway, and I presently shut my window. These insects were as large aspartridges: I took out their stings, found them an inch and a half long,and as sharp as needles. I carefully preserved them all; and havingsince shown them, with some other curiosities, in several parts ofEurope, upon my return to England I gave three of them to GreshamCollege, and kept the fourth for myself.