Living Out Loud (The Austen Series Book 3)

by Staci Hart

  He pulled his shirt back on, and I mourned the loss of my view when he turned around.

  “It was a few weeks after my mom died. I was on the subway on a mostly empty train, and at one of the stops, this Indian man came in and sat right beside me, asked me my name, told me his. We chatted for a little bit, I can’t even remember what about now, but just before we reached his stop, he looked into my eyes—his were so brown, they were almost black—and said, An end is just a beginning in disguise. And he handed me a silver token with Ganesh on it, saying something in Hindi before he disappeared. I wish he’d told me what it meant.”

  He looked down at his hands. My throat squeezed so tight, I couldn’t speak.

  “Anyway, it was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right moment, you know? So I got this tattoo for my mom. Ganesh is the god of beginnings, the mover of obstacles. He’s the god of the first chakra, the one that roots you to the earth, the one that governs your safety and stability, the foundation for all your other chakras.”

  “Did you know all that when he gave it to you?”

  He shook his head. “When I started researching, it just felt right, you know?”

  I nodded. “I do.”

  Penny’s machine buzzed as she tested it out. “You ready, Annie?”

  I took a deep breath and lay back down on the table. “Yep,” I said more confidently than I felt.

  “Okay, I’m gonna do a little bit just so you can see what it feels like. One, two, three.”

  The buzz hit my ears first, then my skin, through the muscle, into my ribs, and up and down my spine in a jolt.

  She stopped within a second. “What do you think?”

  I assessed myself. Mostly, I felt the adrenaline zipping through me and my heart’s da-dum but not really any pain, just a little sting, not even as bad as a paper cut.

  “I think I’m okay. That wasn’t so bad! I feel lied to. Cheated.”

  They both laughed.

  “Wait until you’ve had something done that takes a few hours, and then tell me how you feel,” Penny said. “I’m gonna go for it. Shouldn’t take more than twenty.”

  She started up again, and a few minutes in, I could see how it could maybe get uncomfortable. My lips pursed. I could feel the vibration behind my eyeballs, which was more distracting than anything.

  “Hanging in there?” Greg asked, concerned.

  “Mmhmm. Tell me a story.”

  “Okay,” he said, thinking. “So, my mom used to have this psychotic Chihuahua.”

  A laugh bubbled out of me.

  “His name was Jacques Poosteau, and I’m almost entirely certain he was part of the legion of hell. He hated everyone but my mother, and he’d sit on her lap like he was guarding the Crown Jewels. And if anyone got close—anyone—he would bark and snarl and bite and snort in a blast of noise like a hairy chainsaw. Look, I’ve still got scars.”

  He held up his fingers in display, pointing at a few dashed white marks on his skin.

  “So, my sister, Sarah, was obsessed with trying to get Satan’s Mouthpiece to love her. She would bribe him with hot dogs—he didn’t give a shit about dog treats, only the best for the King of Hell—trying to lure him into her room. More than anything in the world, she wanted that dog to sleep with her, cuddle up and snuggle like a normal dog. She even tried to dress him up once. She had this little sailor suit with a hat and everything—one of her doll’s, I think.”

  “What happened?” I asked raptly.

  “She got it on him and even had enough time to get a photo with our old Polaroid. And she only needed two stitches.”

  Penny and I laughed as Greg went on, “Anyway, so Sarah was a nut about it, had convinced herself that he was coming around. And, one morning, she woke up, and what do you know? Jacques Poosteau was curled up in her bed, fast asleep. She started yelling and screaming, and we all ran in there. Sure enough, there he was, but Mom’s face fell. Her eyes darted to my dad, and then she started making this big production about getting us all out of the room. But Sarah wasn’t to be deterred. She moved to pick him up, and…”

  My eyes were wide. “And what?”

  Greg leaned in. “He was dead, gone back to hell where he belonged. But before he’d jumped into bed to terrorize that her one last and most permanent time, he’d ripped all the stuffing out of her favorite stuffed animal, Mr. Bigglesworth.”

  My face dropped, but I laughed. “Oh my God.”

  He chuckled. “He was nineteen by the time he finally took the long sleep. But Sarah made us all hold séances and burn sage and everything for years after that. She was convinced Jacques was still hanging around. She might not have been wrong; we got a cat after that, and I swear, she’d go in there and hiss at corners. The moral of the story is, never fuck with a sure thing. Just leave it alone and let it be what it is. Jacques, he was the surest of things.”

  I laughed again, the discomfort mostly forgotten as he told another tale—this time of his brother and a rollerblade incident gone horribly, comically wrong—and before long, she was finished.

  When I sat up, I took the mirror from Penny again to look in the opposite mirror. The ink was deep and black, my skin red and hot around the edges, and it was absolutely perfect.

  “I love it,” I breathed. “Thank you. Thank you so much, Penny.”

  She smiled. “Hey, no problem at all. I’m just glad to be your first,” she said with a wink.

  And I found myself blushing, my mind on Greg.

  He knew the extent of how many firsts I still had to cross off the list, and that knowledge made me feel vulnerable in the most decadent way; he knew my secrets, and he would handle them with care.

  “All right, let me cover this up for you, and I’ll get you some salve and instructions.”

  Greg stood. “I’m gonna use the restroom. Be right back.”

  I sat up as Penny gathered tape and an opaque sheet of plastic.

  “So, how long have you and Greg been dating?”

  My cheeks caught fire. “Oh! No, no—we’re not…we aren’t…”

  She raised one brow at me in the mirror in front of me, but she was smiling. “Well, why not?”

  I made some sort of airy noise and rolled my eyes. “Because he’s, like, way older than me.”

  “So?”

  “I mean, I’m only eighteen.”

  “I know. But I honestly don’t think that really matters if you’re into him.”

  Was I into him? I didn’t know for sure, and the thought made me uncomfortable.

  “Well, I think he’s into you. I’ve known Greg for a while, and I’ve never been able to figure out why he hasn’t been snapped up yet. He’s hot, he’s funny, he’s got a great smile, that jaw…I mean, the guy’s a catch.”

  “He’s my boss.”

  It was her turn to make a noise like an air leak. “Please, Cam and Rose don’t give a shit about that. But do you?”

  “Do you what?” Greg asked innocently enough that I knew he hadn’t heard us.

  I said a little prayer to Ganesh in thanks.

  “I asked if she needed to hear the instructions for tattoo care again,” Penny said like the hero she was.

  “Nope!” I cheered. “Got it all the first time. Locked in. Right here.” I tapped my temple like an idiot.

  She laughed. “I bet you do. Come on, let’s get you checked out.”

  A few minutes later, we said goodbye to Penny and were standing on the sidewalk, the itinerary cleared—even the sushi dinner, which I had decided I should have left alone—and the day was done. My feet were sore, my heart was full, and I’d had one of the best days of my life.

  But it was over. And that shouldn’t have made me so sad, but it did.

  Greg and I stood outside the tattoo parlor, watching each other for a moment, and when we spoke, it was at the same time, my, “Well, I should probably—” on top of his, “Can I give you a ride home?”

  “A ride home?” My brows pulled together.

  H
e smirked. “On my board.”

  I eyed it sticking out of his backpack. “Is that…how do you…”

  “It’s easy. I have a longboard. You stand on the tail; I stand on the deck. I skate; you just hang on.”

  “I don’t want you to go to any trouble, Greg. You’ve already wasted your whole day on me.”

  “Trust me, it wasn’t a waste, Annie. Not at all.”

  I looked up at the quality of his voice, dusky and rough, but he looked away, slipping off his backpack to unstrap his board as he kept talking.

  “I bet you’ve never ridden a skateboard before.”

  I chuckled. “How’d you guess?”

  He glanced up at me, smirking. “Just a hunch. Let’s cross off another first. Come on, we’ll take the traverse through the park.”

  “Is that safe at night?”

  “Sure, on the bike paths and main roads. They’re well lit. You get in trouble when you go wandering around in the park. And anyway, you’re with me. I wouldn’t put you in any danger.”

  I knew without a doubt that was true.

  As he put one foot on his board, he looked up at me with truth in his deep blue eyes, backpack in one hand and the other extended, palm up. “Do you trust me?”

  I slipped my hand in his and said, “I do.”

  He kept hold of it as we walked out to the street, only letting it go to dig around in his backpack.

  When his hand reappeared, it was with a navy sweatshirt, which he pulled over his head, then a sweater cap, which I expected him to put on his head. But instead, he stepped into me and slipped it on mine, tugging it over my ears.

  “It’s gonna be cold,” he said as he situated it, taking a moment longer than was necessary.

  My heart stopped, my breath frozen. His face was so close to mine, I could see the tiny creases in his lips.

  He stepped away, breaking the connection when he grabbed his pack and put it on backward.

  He’d kept my breath, taking it with him. I wondered if I’d ever get it back.

  I wondered if I even wanted it back.

  “Okay, so stand back here on the tail, feet next to each other, parallel to the deck. You’re gonna have to hang on to me, which will help our balance. Just lean with me; don’t try to stand still.”

  “Got it.”

  “All right. Alley-oop.”

  The board was crowded with both of us on it, but I found my footing on the back and wrapped my arms around his waist, slipping them between his pack and his sweatshirt.

  “Put your hands in my pockets—they’re freezing.”

  “Thanks,” I said, sliding them into his kangaroo pouch.

  “Okay. Ready?”

  I laughed. “I think I’ve been asked that question more today than I ever have in my life.”

  He turned his head. He was smiling, his nose strong and straight and masculine, his breath coming in warm puffs against the dark night. “Must mean you did something right.”

  And then, he kicked off.

  I squeezed, squealing a little as I tried to hang on to his bobbing torso.

  Greg laughed, turning his head again so I could hear him. “You okay?”

  The sound hit my ears and my chest, reverberating through his body into mine as I hung on.

  “Stop asking me that,” I said with another laugh.

  It was colder once we were moving, and I wished I’d had my mittens and my big coat. My hands really were cold. But we went on, the rough pavement under us sending tremors up my legs and numbing my feet. He leaned with a turn, and I leaned with him, the world tipping up just a little as we rounded a curve. His body bobbed again as he kept us going.

  He was warm and sturdy in my arms, the comfort of him both surprising and befitting. It felt right—the comfortable ease of two people who were well suited.

  In friendship. That’s all he wants—to be your friend.

  My heart ached at the thought, and I closed my eyes, touching on every sense. The vibrating of my feet and legs from the wheels on the pavement. The chill on my cheeks like an icy kiss. The feel of Greg—his narrow torso in my arms, my cheek in the valley of his wide back. And I burned every sensation into my memory to keep.

  Once he built up some speed and seemed sure of my balance and his, he took my hands out of his pockets and put them on his shoulders, shooting me a wink before he knelt down.

  The wind hit me in a gust. We were on top of a hill and picking up speed, the dark park on either side of us, trees rolling by as the street under the wheels blurred past. And I held on to his shoulders, my lips parted and smiling and heart thumping hard enough to almost hurt. But it was the best kind of hurt.

  I felt alive.

  When I let out a whoop, Greg smiled up at me, his nose red and a happy laugh on his lips. The wind whipped my face and hair, numbing my knuckles, but I didn’t feel anything but joy.

  Too soon, we slowed, and he had to stand again.

  My hands were in his pockets the second they had the chance, and my smiling cheek pressed against his back once more. His own hands covered mine in the depth of his pocket, big and warm and strong and good. And for a long time we rode like that, time marked only by intervals of his foot against the pavement.

  And then we were at my building, and the day really was over.

  I stepped off his board, and he put his foot on the tail to tip it up and grab the nose. And we stood there in front of each other, both of us smiling, neither of us seeming to know how to say goodbye.

  “So, what’d you think?” he finally asked.

  A slow smile spread on my face. “It was the perfect way to end today. Thank you. For all of this, for everything.”

  “You’re welcome, Annie.”

  Another long moment stretched out before he finally looked away, dropping his board back to the ground. “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  And I grinned at him like a fool and said, “Goodnight.”

  I didn’t go inside until he rode away.

  When George saw me coming, he popped out to hold the door open. “Hello, Miss Annie. Have a good day?”

  “The best, George,” I said with a giggle and kissed him on the cheek before heading inside.

  A few minutes later, I was walking into the still apartment. The only light was over the oven in the kitchen. I could hear a television going from Susan and John’s side of the house, but the Daschle side was dark and quiet.

  I walked past my room, depositing my coat and shoes and bag before hurrying to Elle’s room where I knocked softly on her door.

  No response. Her light was off, too.

  So, of course, I opened the door. “Elle,” I whispered. “Are you still awake?”

  Silence.

  I walked over to her bed, noting the slow rise and fall of her chest. “Elle,” I said only quietly. When she didn’t speak, I gave her a shake.

  “Whahum?” she mumbled, dragging a breath through her nose.

  “Oh, good, you’re up. Scoot over.”

  She shifted to give me room, blinking at me before rubbing her eyes. “How was your day?”

  “It was so good! I had hot dogs and rode a bike and got a tattoo and walked around Central Park and rode a skateboard!” I rattled off. “I had sushi too, but that was mostly just weird.”

  She laughed sleepily. “I’m glad you had fun. You were with your friend…Greg, right?”

  “Yeah, he’s so great. I mean, he taught me how to ride a bike, Elle. The man has the patience of a saint. And he told me stories while I was getting my tattoo, and I even got to see one of his, on his back. And let me tell you, he has got a nice back.”

  One of her brows rose, and she rolled over to face me, smiling. “So, Greg is cute, huh?”

  “Oh, man, so cute. His hair is this thick, gorgeous mess, and he’s got this jaw that’s covered in scruff, square without being Paleolithic. And—gah!—his smile is so pretty. And he’s got the best laugh. Seriously, his laugh could make me smile through the end of Old Yeller.”
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  “Does he like you, too?”

  “What?” I said with flaming cheeks. “I don’t like him. Not like that.”

  A little voice in my rib cage whispered, Liar.

  Elle frowned. “Oh.”

  “We’re just friends, you know?” My confidence wavered as I considered her question. “I mean, there were a couple of times he looked at me like…I don’t even know how to explain it. Like he wanted to ask me a question, but he never did. And he held my hands in his hoodie, but they were ice-cold. He was just warming them up. Right? Like, he wasn’t trying to hold my hand or something, was he?”

  She looked skeptical. “He spent all day showing you around the city, sitting with you at a tattoo parlor, riding you home on his skateboard. If I had to guess, I’d figure he probably likes you. I mean, if he’s not gay. He’s not gay, is he?”

  I laughed. “No, I definitely don’t think he’s gay. But wouldn’t I know if he didn’t just want to be friends? He’s never asked me out or anything. In fact, I had to beg him to take me around. There are a million reasons he wouldn’t want me—the topmost being that, when he was eighteen, I was eight. What would a grown-ass man want with someone like me? He needs a grown-ass woman, one with a real job and goals and relationship history and references.”

  “Well, you definitely aren’t eight now, so I don’t really think your age difference matters.” She paused, assessing me. “You really don’t like him? Because it sounds like you like him.”

  “Of course I like him.” A frown touched my lips as I really thought about it. “He’s funny and kind and smart. And he’s super hot, but…I don’t know. I had fun with him today, and I like being around him. I’d totally run around with him again without hesitation.”

  “But?”

  “But I guess I honestly don’t know if I like him or if I don’t, and I don’t know if he likes me. Which leaves me certain that I am not interested in him in the romantic way.” The statement was so decisive, I almost believed it myself.

  A laugh shot out of Elle. “That is not the conclusion I would have come to.”

  I propped myself up onto my elbow. “If I really liked him, I wouldn’t question it. There wouldn’t be any wondering. You know that old saying, If you have to ask yourself the question, the answer is probably no? Well, I shouldn’t wonder. I want to be with someone who I have to scream from the mountaintops that I need them.”