by R J Nolan
And now you're hiding in your office to avoid going home.
Jess dropped into her chair with an sigh. She buried her face in her hands. God. What am I going to do?
Jess parked in front of the house. An icy ball filled her stomach. The house was dark, and Kim's Jeep was not in the driveway.
It had never dawned on her that Kim wouldn't come home.
She looked into the backseat at Thor. "I really fucked up, boy."
Pain weighted her shoulders as she unloaded Thor and then made her way into the dark house.
The silence was oppressive.
"Come on, big guy. Let's get you fed."
Jess went about feeding Thor on autopilot. With Thor taken care of, she returned to the living room and flopped down on the couch.
She stared at the cold, dead ashes in the fireplace. They were the perfect representation of what her life had been like before Kim. Kim was the spark that breathed life and fire back into her world.
If you don't do something, your fear is going to cost you the best thing that has ever happened to you.
Steely resolved filled Jess. No. It's not going to end like this.
She grabbed her keys and headed for the door. Please let her be where I think she is.
The meager light from the fireplace did little to pierce the darkness of the room. A musty, unused smell permeated the air.
Kim sat huddled in the corner of the couch, her knees drawn up to her chest. She stared into the flickering flames.
Her mind was filled with memories of Jess. In front of this very fireplace, Jess had held her and comforted her over a patient's death.
Tears flow down her face. This is what happens when you open your heart and let yourself love someone.
She had been happy with Jess. Her relationship with Jess was unlike any of her previous ones. She had opened herself to Jess in a way she had never done with anyone else.
That was what made Jess's repeated lies all the more painful.
Memories of the past tortured Kim every time Jess looked her in the eyes and lied. She shut down a little more each time it happened.
You love someone, and in the end they will leave you. They lie and then leave you — one way or the other.
Something had snapped inside her today when Jess ran from her. All those old fears she had tried so hard to overcome came roaring back.
A knock on the door startled Kim. I can't deal with anyone right now.
The knock came again, louder than before. "Kim? Are you there?"
It was the last voice Kim expected to hear. She came for me?
Kim wiped her face on her sleeve. She flipped on the lamp next to the couch and then moved to the door.
Her hand hovered over the knob.
Jess knocked again. "Please let me in."
Kim opened the door and found a very disheveled Jess. She looked as if she had raked her hands through her hair countless times.
"You weren't at home," Jess said.
Kim was tempted to correct her but bit her tongue. "I had some things I needed to get done around here." Now who is lying?
Jess shoved her hands into her pockets. "Can I come in?" Her voice held a pleading note.
Every instinct told Kim to say no. She gazed into Jess's vulnerable blue eyes and lost the battle. She didn't have the heart to refuse her.
"Okay."
Kim walked away, leaving Jess standing in the doorway.
Jess stared after Kim for a moment, then stepped inside and shut the door behind her.
Kim sat on the couch and stared into the fire.
Jess followed and eased down on the opposite end of the couch. She had never seen Kim like this — so closed off. Even her position reflected her withdrawal. Kim's knees were drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped tightly around herself. She reminded Jess of a flower bud, its petals folded over each other in a tight cocoon, protecting the vulnerable inner center.
Fear shafted through Jess. You're losing her. She scrubbed her hands on her pants. "I'm sorry about what happened at work."
Kim turned her head. Her gaze pierced Jess. "The case upset you?"
Jess's jaw clenched. Don't lie. "Yes... It reminded me of the past... of what happened... to me." Her hands gripped her thighs with viselike force. "I've wanted to tell you. I swear. I... I..." Tell her.
Her heart was roaring so loudly in her ears she missed Kim's words.
"What?"
"I've never told you about my dad."
Jess blinked at the non sequitur. She stared at Kim. In all the time she had known her, Kim had mentioned her father only once. She never talked about him. Why now?
"I was such a daddy's girl," Kim said. "Even at sixteen, I still loved going places and doing things with my dad." Her eyes took on a faraway look as if she was seeing another time and place.
"Right around the time I turned seventeen, things began to change. Small things at first. I'd find my dad sleeping in his recliner on a Saturday afternoon. He was never one to sit around, much less sleep during the day." Kim's arms tightened around her legs. "Then it got too obvious to ignore. He didn't have any energy and was losing weight."
Kim turned and looked at Jess. "I kept asking him, 'What's wrong, Dad?' He always said the same thing, 'Just a little under the weather.'" Kim's hand slashed sideways. "'It's nothing.'" Her hand slashed again, punctuating each word, "'No. Big. Deal.'"
Jess flinched hearing her own words.
Kim's eyes locked on Jess's with laserlike intensity. "And I believed him."
Realization slammed home. Oh, God. No.
A single tear slid down Kim's face. She rested her chin on her knee.
"Four months later, he was dead."
"I'm sorry," Jess whispered. Her heart broke for Kim. She longed to reach out and comfort her but feared her touch wouldn't be welcome. She sat on her hands to keep from giving in to the impulse. "I'm sorry," she said again, at a loss for exactly what to say.
Pain and sorrow filled Kim's eyes. "For a long time I thought he had been trying to shield me from what was happening." She rocked back and forth. "But no matter how he rationalized it to himself, what he was really doing was protecting himself."
Just like you. Jess's stomach lurched and bile burned the back of her throat. She struggled not to give in to the nausea.
"He didn't want to face telling me he was dying. He set all his affairs in order. I found out later, even my older brothers knew." Kim let her legs drop to the floor and turned to faced Jess fully. "I loved him so much. But right up to the end, he looked me in the eyes and lied." She captured Jess's gaze and held it. Her eyes glistened with tears, but her voice remained firm. "I can't do that again. I won't do that again."
Jess's restraint broke. She slid across the couch and wrapped her arms around Kim. "I'm so sorry. So sorry." Her words held a multitude of meaning.
The twisted knot in her stomach let go when Kim's arms wrapped around her waist.
Jess buried her face in Kim's neck, only then becoming aware of her own tears. "So sorry," she whispered again.
A soul-deep sigh escaped Kim's lips. She soothed her fingers through Jess's sweat-damp hair. Although she didn't quite remember how, they had ended up face to face, entwined on the couch. Their shared tears had mingled in a cathartic release.
Seeing Jess struggle earlier had made Kim realize just how difficult what she was asking of Jess was.
Jess had her face buried in Kim's neck.
"Jess?" Kim pulled back a little.
A whimper escaped Jess, and she tightened her arms around Kim's back.
"Come on," Kim said. "You must be smothering."
Muttering something unintelligible, Jess pressed closer.
Kim brushed Jess's hair back and placed a soft kiss on her jaw line.
Jess lifted her head. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and her face was splotched with color.
Kim was sure her own appearance was a similar sight. She pressed her forehead to Jess's. "I've said it before
and I'll say it again. We're quite the pair — aren't we?"
A wobbly smile trembled on Jess's lips. "Yeah."
After disentangling herself from Kim, Jess sat up. She reached down with a trembling hand and gently stroked Kim's face.
Kim leaned into the touch. After having shared her deepest pain and secret fear, there was no keeping an emotional distance from Jess. She sat up next to Jess. Her brow furrowed when Jess moved away to sit on the far side of the couch.
Jess wedged herself into the corner and drew her legs up under her. She wrapped her arms across her belly.
She's trying to comfort herself.
"Jess?"
"I should have told you. You deserve to know."
Now that Jess had admitted what Kim had suspected all along, she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the details. You owe it to Jess to hear them, no matter how painful.
She faced Jess and waited.
Jess rocked back and forth. "I... It was... He..."
It killed Kim to watch Jess struggle, stopping and starting but never quite getting the words out.
This is hurting her too much. You can't force this.
"Jess. It's okay. I know."
Jess shook her head roughly. "I have to tell you." Her gaze met Kim's.
Worry gripped Kim at the look in Jess's eyes.
Jess's demeanor reminded her of an abused dog she had once seen — eyes filled with fear, yet desperate to please.
Kim moved closer, then slid off the couch and knelt in front of Jess.
"And you will tell me, but it doesn't have to be today. Whenever you're ready." Kim leaned up and softly brushed their lips together. "You're worth waiting for."
A sob escaped Jess's lips. "Thank you." She brushed at both their tears. "Will you come home? Please."
A kiss filled with all the love in Kim's heart was her answer.
CHAPTER 35
STILL HALF-ASLEEP, Jess reached for Kim's warm body and encountered empty space. She jolted into full alertness, and her eyes popped open. That was when she became aware of Kim spooned up against her back. She went limp with relief.
How did she end up behind me? She always held Kim, not the other way around. Then she remembered the dream. A cold shiver chased down her spine.
Kim stirred, and her arm tightened across Jess's belly.
She comforts me even in sleep. Jess's heart filled to overflowing with love.
Kim lifted up and placed a sleepy kiss on Jess's temple.
Shifting onto her back so she could see Kim's face, Jess smiled at her. "Morning."
"How are you doing?" Kim propped her head on her hand and used her free hand to stroke Jess's belly. "You were pretty restless last night."
"I'm fine. It was noth —"
Kim stiffened. Her hand froze on Jess's abdomen.
Don't lie. Jess bit her lip. She forced herself to meet Kim's eyes. The warmth there just a moment ago had dimmed.
"I had a bad dream." She swallowed heavily. "About the... past." Jess looked down, unable to hold Kim's gaze.
The tension drained from Kim's body. She resumed her gentle stroking of Jess's belly.
Jess braced herself for all the questions. She was determined to answer them, no matter what it cost her.
The questions never came. She started when Kim finally spoke.
"The alarm is about to go off," Kim said.
As if on cue, a strident beeping filled the room.
Jess slid across the bed and shut off the alarm and then scooted back over next to Kim. "I'm sorry. I have to get ready for work." She met Kim's gaze. "I'm not trying to avoid —"
Kim pressed her finger to Jess's lips, her gaze full of love. "We're fine. I promise." She kissed Jess gently on the lips.
Jess sank into the loving touch. She drew Kim into her arms and held her. "I love you," she said, soft and low.
Kim's arms tightened around her back. "I love you too."
Loath to move, Jess sighed. "Duty calls." She reluctantly released Kim and climbed out of bed. Despite Kim's reassurances Jess still felt vulnerable and unsure. Kim running from her yesterday had spooked her. She gazed down at Kim. Although nauseated at the very thought, Jess knew she couldn't put this off. "We'll talk tonight. After work."
Kim sat up. "You don't have to do that, Jess."
Resolve stiffened Jess's spine. She locked gazes with Kim. "Yes. I do."
Kim stopped outside the staff lounge door to try and tame her smile. This couldn't have come on a better day — for either of us. It had filled Kim with guilt to see Jess so tentative and scared this morning. The depth of Jess's reaction to her running had shocked her.
This will cheer her up. Kim poked her head in the door.
Jess was getting herself a cup of coffee.
A quick glance around showed the lounge was empty. Perfect.
"Hey, Jess. Have you got a minute? There's someone I'd like you to see."
"Sure." Jess set her coffee down. "What have you got?" she asked as she followed Kim down the hall.
Kim tried hard to hide her smile. "I need to show you." She stopped outside an exam room door.
Jess arched an eyebrow.
Biting the inside of her cheek to keep from grinning, Kim pulled open the door and stepped inside before Jess could question her.
What the heck is she up to? Jess followed Kim into the exam room.
Kim headed straight for the woman standing next to the gurney.
Jess quickly surveyed the scene.
A thirty-something, stocky man, dressed in faded blue jeans and a flannel shirt, stood on one side of the gurney.
The woman, about the same age, also dressed in jeans, stood opposite him. She was what was commonly referred to as pleasingly plump.
A dark-haired little girl, maybe four years old, sat on the gurney, playing with a stuffed animal. There was something vaguely familiar about the little girl, but Jess saw so many patients she couldn't place her.
Kim motioned Jess forward. "Mr. and Mrs. Bailey, this is Dr. McKenna," she said.
Mr. Bailey strode over and grabbed Jess's hand. He pumped it enthusiastically. "We can't thank you enough for what you did for our little girl."
Am I supposed to know them? Jess shot Kim a puzzled look.
Kim grinned. She gestured to the little girl on the gurney. "You remember Tara?"
The little girl looked up at the sound of her name. Bright blue eyes met Jess's.
Jess's jaw dropped and she stared. That's Tara? She could not reconcile the filthy, skinny little girl they had taken care of with the pink-cheeked, cherubic angel on the gurney. She took a step toward Tara, then stopped. She gazed over at Kim.
Happiness shone on Kim's face. She moved over next to Jess. "Mr. and Mrs. Bailey are fostering Tara until they can adopt her."
Jess smiled. Oh, little one. I'm so happy for you.
"I helped Daddy," Tara said. She stood up and leaped off the gurney into Mr. Bailey's arms.
Fear widened his eyes even as his arms wrapped tightly around Tara.
"Land sakes!" Mrs. Bailey said. She came around the gurney. "None of your antics, young lady." She tugged on Tara's pant leg. "We've had enough excitement for one day." Standing on her tiptoes, she pressed a kiss to Tara's forehead.
"Daddy makes me fly," Tara said. She laid her head down and snuggled against Mr. Bailey's chest.
Mrs. Bailey wagged her finger at her husband. "No more flying today." Her husband glanced away, a sheepish look on his face. She looked back at Kim. "Those two are going to make me gray before my time."
They all shared a laugh.
That's when Jess remembered just where they were — the ER. Tension stiffened her muscles. She had not seen any sign of injury, but that didn't mean anything. Her gaze darted to Kim. "Is she okay?"
"She's perfect," Kim said. She unobtrusively touched Jess's back.
She's got your number. Jess threw Kim a grateful look.
"She was helping her daddy in the garage and stuck a metal s
crew up her nose," Mrs. Bailey said. "I was going to take her over to our family doctor's office, but someone," she shot a mock-scowl at her husband, "panicked and insisted we rush her to the ER."
Mr. Bailey flushed and shuffled his feet.
"But I'm glad we did." Mrs. Bailey met Jess's gaze, and her eyes misted with tears. "We can't thank you enough for what you did for Tara."
Jess shook her head. "It was really the police. I just checked her out when they brought her in."
"You did more than that." Mrs. Bailey moved forward and gave Jess a quick hug.
Jess felt her cheeks heat.
"We're friends of Val Williams," Mrs. Bailey said.
Was she supposed to know who that was? Jess's brow furrowed. She glanced at Kim.
Mrs. Bailey answered before Kim could. "She's the police officer who brought Tara in that day. She told us how gentle and caring you were with Tara."
A moment's confusion cleared at the memory of Officer Williams coming into the room after she had finished her exam. Jess had been sitting on the gurney with Tara, gently rocking her in her arms, singing softly to her.
Mrs. Bailey smiled brightly at Kim and reached out to squeeze her arm. "You and Dr. Donovan both."
Jess didn't know what to say.
Kim came to the rescue. "You're very welcome. It's wonderful to see Tara so healthy and happy."
Mr. Bailey moved up next to his wife. His big arms were wrapped securely around Tara. "She's the light of our life," he said.
Jess's pager shrilled. She glanced down at the screen. "I'm sorry. I have to go."
"We appreciate your time. We just wanted a chance to thank you," Mrs. Bailey said.
After taking one last long look at Tara, Jess waved and headed for the door. She turned back at the last moment and sent a bright, loving smile Kim's way.
CHAPTER 36
KIM WATCHED AS Jess pushed her food around her plate. She had been quiet since they got home from work. The shadows in Jess's eyes had lifted after her encounter with Tara earlier in the day, but they were back now, deeper than ever.
Jess looked up. Stress lines framed her eyes.
"Done?"
