“Who’s there?”
“Stop being a fucking dick and talk to Aaliyah.”
I lowered my head and released a weighted sigh. He was right, but I wasn’t sure how to go about any of it.
“Hey, Damian?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you do some digging on Marie Rollsfield?”
He seemed surprised by my request. When we first met, I made it clear that I didn’t want him digging up anything on anyone I knew before meeting Damian. But something felt off with Marie. I knew something was wrong with the whole Jason situation, I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
Without question, Damian nodded. “On it.”
I knew I needed to talk to Aaliyah, because Damian was right. There weren’t a lot of times when the guy was ever wrong about anything. I just needed to build up the courage to go home to see Aaliyah, to actually hold a conversation with her. Yet, all of my plans evaporated the moment I showed up late one night and found her in her bedroom, packing some boxes.
“Hey,” I said, walking to her open door. She paused her movements and looked over to me. “What’s going on?”
She blinked a few times, seemingly confused. She was probably thrown off that I was actually at the house after being MIA for days.
“I’m packing.”
“For what?”
“I found a new apartment. I’m moving this weekend.”
My insides twisted at her words. Shit. I knew I was dealing with my own demons, but I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted her to stay. I wanted her to stay so bad, but I’d been a fucking idiot over the past few days. “You don’t have to go.”
She didn’t look at me as she shrugged. “No, it’s fine. My boss gave me an early raise, and I’d been able to save up enough for a decent place. This situation between you and me was always temporary anyway, right? So, I’m moving on to my next chapter.”
I wanted to tell her to stay. I wanted to man the fuck up and stop being a dick and tell her that I was just scared. That I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that she wasn’t going to be around forever. I wanted to tell her that I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing or how to process my emotions.
But instead, I said, “What about the interview?”
I wished I hadn’t said that because I saw the flash of hurt that washed over her face from my words.
“What?”
“We never finished the interview. You were supposed to come down to Kentucky to see my past.”
“Yeah, well, that’s not going to work out. Besides, my doctors don’t think it’s safe for me to travel with my condition.”
With her condition.
Those words were another reminder to me that she was sick. That she was dying. That she was facing a time limit against life, and she was losing. Please don’t die...
Emotion sat at the back of my throat. I was on the brink of falling apart, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t express myself; I couldn’t tell her how I felt, so like a damn idiot, I stayed quiet.
“Besides, I think I have enough to write the article. I have everything I need,” she explained.
I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t be man enough to actually spit out the words. I should’ve told her to stay. I should’ve told her I’d be in her corner no matter what happened. I should’ve pulled her into my arms and comforted her because she had to be scared. She had to be terrified of everything that was happening.
I should’ve begged for her to stay, but, instead like an idiot, I let her walk away.
39
Connor
I left New York and flew down to Kentucky with my tail between my legs. I knew I’d made a huge mistake ending things with Aaliyah, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it right. Also, the idea of losing her was still so heavy on my chest. I couldn’t stop researching heart failure ever since I’d found out. I’d been looking for treatments, calling specialists, falling apart and hating the universe for bringing Aaliyah back into my life to only take her away from me again.
This shit wasn’t fair.
As my plane landed in Kentucky, I was greeted at the baggage claim when Mom rushed over to my side. Within seconds, her arms were wrapped around me, squeezing me so tight. I got choked up just from the comfort of her embrace. You’d never knew how much you needed your mother’s hug until you were on the verge of a breakdown.
“Oh, sweetie! I’m so happy to see you!” She looked around the area with wide eyes filled with hope.
My chest just about caved in when I realized she was searching for Aaliyah. “She’s not here, Mom.”
“What? But I thought you were bringing her into town to show her—”
“She’s dying,” I spat out. I couldn’t hold it in anymore as I choked on my words. Tears began falling down my cheeks as I whispered. “She’s dying, Mom.”
We got back home, and I fell into a deeper depression, just thinking about Aaliyah. I hated myself for being such a little shit. I hated myself for being afraid of losing her. I hated myself for abandoning her.
“Heart failure? But she’s so young,” Mom said as she made a pot of coffee. “That’s so heartbreaking.”
“Yeah,” I said. It was all I could manage.
Before she could say anything else, the front door opened, and a man walked into my mom’s house as if he owned the place.
“Honey, I’m homeeee!” he said in a singsong voice. He came marching into the house, and the moment he saw me, he clapped his hands together. “Oh, my goodness! Connor! Put it there!” he said, grabbing my hand and shaking it aggressively. It must’ve been that Danny guy Mom had been going on and on about. Great.
Clearly, he couldn’t read the energy of the room because he was smiling and giddy as ever. He was dressed in a Hawaiian shirt with pink and yellow flowers all over it, neon green pants, and a tie-dye hat on his head. The dude was well into his sixties, dressing as if he were a toddler who got to dress themselves for the day.
Really, Mom? Him?
“Yeah, good to meet you, too, Dan.”
“It’s Danny,” he said. “So, where’s this special lady that I heard you were bringing home today?” he asked.
I knew he didn’t mean for it, but that question was a sucker punch to my soul.
Mom walked over and wrapped her arms around Danny’s waist. “I wish this was better news, but it turns out Aaliyah has some serious health issues. She wasn’t able to make it.”
“Is she going to be okay?” Danny asked.
“No. She’s not. She’s fucking dying and I can’t save her. I broke up with her, because I can’t sit there and watch her die.”
Mom’s face dropped. “You broke up with her? You two were dating?”
“Yeah, we were, and yeah, I did. She’s moving out of my place as we speak. It’s over.”
“No…Connor. You can’t do that…I mean…I know this is a lot, but you can’t abandon her…I know you’re scared but—”
“I’m not scared, Mom. I’m fucking terrified. I’m terrified. But I can’t do it again. I can’t sit there and watch someone I care for lose the battle of their life. I can’t go through that. I did it twice with you, watching you fight, and I can’t do it again.”
Mom’s eyes watered over, and she covered her hand with her mouth, choking up. I didn’t want to make her cry, but I was being honest. I couldn’t suffer through that trauma again. I couldn’t spend late nights sitting up wondering if Aaliyah was still breathing. I couldn’t sit on the edge at all times, wondering if today was the day I was forced to say goodbye. I couldn’t watch her die.
Danny stepped forward and gave Mom a half-smile. He was much more somber than before, his energetic personality taming. “Can I talk to him alone for a minute, sweetheart?”
Mom nodded, and left the room, leaving me uneasy with the idea of interacting with Danny. I didn’t even know this guy.
He sat down at the table with me and released a weighted sigh. “Life is shitty sometimes, eh?”
“No offense, Dan, but I—”
“Danny.”
“Right. Danny. No offense, but I don’t want to talk about this. Especially with someone who is pretty much a stranger to me.”
“I get it, but I understand where you’re coming from.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yeah, I do, Connor. Probably more than you’d believe.”
“No. You have no clue what it’s like to go through what I’ve been through. You have no clue how hard it is to watch someone you love battle cancer two times. You have no clue what that can do to your head. Then when you get past that trauma, you have no clue what it’s like to fall for someone who will bring up those same fears. You don’t fucking know.”
He brushed his thumb against the bridge of his nose and sat back in his chair. He stared forward as if he were looking past me, and he pushed out a forced grin that didn’t have a drop of happiness in it. “You might not think I know what it’s like, but I do, young man. I was married before I met your mother. Her name was Jules, and she was phenomenal. I was by her side through her first cancer scare and through her second that took her life.”
Danny’s brows knitted together as he lowered his hands to his lap and fiddled with his fingers.
My heart sat heavily in my throat as he revealed his truths to me, and I felt like a complete jackass because I didn’t have a clue what he’d been through.
“No one suffers more than the victims of that ugly disease, of any disease, truly. No one knows what the pain those individuals went through was like. But I remembered I’d prayed to God that he’d shift it. Shift her pain to my body. Give me her hurts so I could feel them for her.”
I remained quiet but invested.
I prayed that prayer one too many times, too.
“But the people who hurt the most after the ones with the diagnosis? Their loved ones. I never showed her my sorrow, because I didn’t want her to have any more of a burden to bear. I knew her sadness and fear was tenfold more than my own. She was already suffering more than words. What kind of asshole would I have been if I told her that I was hurting, too? Instead, I cried in my car. Before work. After work. During my lunch break. Whenever I had a chance to fall apart, I’d fall. I’d fall apart because the woman I loved, the woman I cherished with all of my heart was slipping away from me and I had no control over it.”
He took a deep breath and clasped his hands together. “Please believe me when I say, I know the fears you have with Aaliyah. When I met your mother and found out about her past run-ins with cancer, I hesitated just like you. I thought what if it comes back? What if she leaves me sooner than I’d hope? What if I have to go back to that part in my life of falling apart in my car again? The what-ifs are the worst part of it all, because there’s no way to truly ever know.”
“How did you get past it?”
“With her smile, with her heart,” he said effortlessly as if loving my mother was the easiest thing to do. “You don’t meet a woman like your mother and skip the chance of happiness because of the fear of loss. No, you dig your feet in deeper. You hold on to her tighter because you know her love will be worth it, time and time again. I realized that I couldn’t live my life, waiting for the unknown, but I had to take the leap. Besides,” he breathed out a cloud of hot air and smiled. “What kind of lucky bastard like me gets to fall in love with two extraordinary women in his lifetime? If life needed a reason for existence, love is the solution.”
Damn.
I really wanted to hate that guy.
“I already messed things up with Aaliyah,” I said, feeling gloom and doom about the whole situation. Fuck, I missed her. I missed her so much that I didn’t even know how to cope. I didn’t know my heart could do that—I didn’t know it could keep shattering into a million pieces each day that passed. It was my own fault for pushing her away, too. Due to my struggles. My fears. My past.
“Do you love her?” Danny asked.
“Yes, I love her.” That was the first time I’d admitted it. It was the first time I’d allowed those words to leave my mouth even though they’d been sitting heavily in my chest for weeks.
“Does that scare you?”
“Terrifies me.”
“Good.” He nodded. “Sometimes you have to be afraid of the things you love in order to make sure you don’t ever lose them again.”
“She’s already gone. I can’t even blame her. I’m the asshole who pushed her away when she was struggling the most.”
“Do you think she loves you, too?”
I nodded slowly. “I believe so. I hope so.”
“Then it’s not over. When two people love each other, you work through the pitfalls. You fight for one another. You don’t give up. Now, just figure out a way to prove to her that no matter what, no matter when times get hard, that you will not run anymore. From the sound of it, this poor girl has been abandoned in her life. Prove to her that you’re here to stay.”
The next morning, I woke up feeling even more exhausted than the night before. Perhaps drinking half a bottle of whiskey with my newfound friend Danny-boy wasn’t the greatest idea, but at least I wasn’t drinking alone.
“Connor! You have a visitor!” Mom hollered through the house, making me groan.
My head was pounding as I pulled myself out of bed and headed to the living room. A small, broken smile hit me as I looked up to see a familiar face.
“Hey, kid,” Jax said, frowning. He slid his hands into his oil-stained jeans. “Heard you were in town.”
“My mom called you?”
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “She said you were going through some major shit.”
“Yeah.”
“As you know, I’m not really good with dealing with emotions and stuff…so how about instead, we go old school and you join me on a plumbing job this morning?”
“Like the good ole days?”
“Yup. Come on. I made you a protein shake.”
I grimaced. “Can we just grab some donuts?”
“Never. Go get dressed fast, will you? You’re late.”
I hurried off and went to get ready. About fifteen minutes later, I was hopping into Jax’s passenger seat and I instantly was transported back to when I was seventeen-years-old, having my daily drives with him. Sometimes I wished I could go back to that time period, just so I wouldn’t have to feel the way I felt today.
“How’s Kennedy and Elizabeth doing?” I asked about his wife and daughter.
“Good, good. Elizabeth’s into gymnastics nowadays, and let me tell you, that’s not a cheap fucking hobby. But I can’t say no to the girl, even if she’s a demon child as a preteen. Kennedy’s pregnant again. We just found out last week. I’m not supposed to tell anyone yet, but you’re not anyone, you’re you.”
“Me, your bestest friend in the whole world.”
He rolled his eyes. I smirked.
Some things never changed.
We showed up to Old Man Mike’s house, which was fucking disgusting. Mike was a hoarder, with at least thirteen cats running around his house. Everyone in town knew that the idea of going into Mike’s house was hell. Whenever he made pies for the town’s festivals, people smiled in his face as they took a slice, then tossed it into the trash.
We were working Mike’s toilet, which looked as if it’s been backed up for years. The color of the water along with the smell almost made me gag.
“I don’t miss this job,” I confessed, holding my shirt over my nose. Jax seemed unmoved by it.
“Mostly I focus on the landscaping business, but every now and then I pick up a plumbing job. Keeps me connected to my roots,” he explained. “You see, the thing about these pipes that Mike has is they are old, and he allowed them to build up junk for too long. He didn’t face the damage right away, and just looked away from it. Never really acknowledging the shit that’s been building for years up until one day, it began to overflow.”
He grumbled as he worked the snake down the drain, fishin
g it around as he kept talking. “But’s never too late to start clearing out the shit that’s been sitting there for so long. The shit he overlooked, the shit he tried to pretend didn’t exist”—he hit a mark with the snake, and the toilet automatically flushed, signaling his breakthrough—“can all be fixed with time, forgiveness, and care.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Are you trying to use a poop analogy on me, Jax?”
“I’m a small-town man. I don’t know what an analogy even is,” he joked.
“No. You’re saying my soul is full of shit and I need to deal with my emotional trauma from my mom, so I can flush this stuff out and be there for Aaliyah.”
He grabbed a rag and began wiping his hands clean. “Is that what you heard from what I said?”
“Yeah. You said I was full of shit.”
“That’s because you are full of shit.” He shrugged. “Kennedy’s my best friend. If I found out we only had today left, I’d do everything in my power to spend every last second with her. So do it, Con. Clear out your shit.”
“Do all middle-aged men in this town just have powerful words of wisdom up their sleeves?”
He stood up and patted me on the back. “Call me middle-aged again and I’ll knock your teeth out.”
“Whatever you say, old man.” I paused for a moment. “Are you currently touching me with your shit hand?”
“Yeah, I am.”
“And this is exactly with I don’t miss this job, but, I do miss you.”
“Don’t be corny, kid.”
“I love you, too, Jax.”
Just then, my phone dinged with a message from Damian. I opened it and felt as if my chest was seconds away from collapsing.
“What is it?” Jax asked, noticing the look of panic on my face from what I read.
“It’s Aaliyah. I have to get back to New York.”
40
Aaliyah
Exhaustion wasn’t a strong enough word for what I’d been feeling as of late. Each morning I felt worse than the previous day. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and fall into a deep slumber, but I still had a job to do. I was trying my best to hold on to any kind of normality, even though it was seeming more and more impossible each day.
Eastern Lights Page 29
