I’d turned my article on Connor in to Maiv for approval right when he showed up to my office. Greta texted me straight away when he’d entered the building. When he reached my office, I felt as if I would pass out simply from my nerves.
“Hi,” he breathed out, days after he’d gone off to Kentucky. I figured that was the end of our story. It had to be the end of our story. I couldn’t allow myself to give him any more of me. It wasn’t healthy for us, it wasn’t right.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I said, trying to hide any true emotions. I couldn’t let him see how him being close made me want to step in closer. I couldn’t show him how much I missed him, how much I wanted him back with me. How I still craved every single thing about him.
“I hurt you.” He sighed. “I’m sorry, Aaliyah. I panicked and pulled away.”
“I’m over it.”
His brows lowered as he stared at me. My coldness toward him probably threw him off, but I couldn’t help it. I had to be cold so I could be strong.
“Give me another chance, Red. Please.”
I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. “You’re too late.”
“I love you,” he breathed out, his voice cracking and pained.
I looked at him, and I was certain my eyes were flashed with emotions. Then I parted my mouth and whispered the words, “I loved you, too.”
“Loved?”
“Yes. Loved.”
Past tense. It was a lie, but one I had to tell him.
“Aaliyah—”
“Please leave,” I stated sternly.
“But I…I hurt you,” he whispered again, his voice pained with the realization of what had taken place.
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Let me try again.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because the first time it was you hurting me. If I let you come back, the second time would be me hurting myself.”
“Aaliyah—”
“I don’t have time for this, Connor. I don’t have time to waste anymore. I can’t do this back and forth thing with you.”
He slightly gave a nod, before parting his mouth to speak. I couldn’t let him do that, though. I couldn’t allow him to give me another word because his sounds made my heart skip beats. His sounds made me want to fall into him and forgive him. His sounds made me weak.
I couldn’t be weak anymore.
Still, his voice…
The way it spoke to me…
Just a little bit more of him…I just wanted a little more…time.
“I know you’re upset with me, and I know I’m a fucking idiot, but I need to tell you something, Aaliyah, something really important,” he urged.
“Can you leave?” I asked, not wanting him to go, but needing him to leave.
“I will, but I need you to know that—”
“Connor, I mean it, can you—”
“She’s your mother,” he blurted out, making me still my body completely.
“I’m sorry what?” He took a step in my direction, and I took a step backward. I held up a hand. “Stop, what do you mean? Who’s my mother?”
“Marie. She’s your mother. I uh…” He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “I had Damian do some digging into her after she showed up to my office acting like a nutcase. She was going on and on about how she didn’t go through all of this only to have you end up with someone other than Jason. Honestly, it was erratic, and crazed, and made no sense until Damian brought me proof.”
“Proof,” I huffed, shaking my head in disbelief. Why was he doing this? Why was he saying those words? There was no way that Marie was my mother. I would know if she was my mother. I would know if I was her daughter.
There’s no possible way…
I felt lightheaded as my mind began spinning trying to recall every situation that I’d been in with Marie. I met her at my barista job. She was always so kind to me. She introduced me to Jason. She told me she always wanted a daughter like me. She cried every time I called her a good mother.
No.
There was no way that could be true.
“I need you to leave,” I pushed out, feeling as if I was on the edge of having a mental breakdown. This was all too much for me to deal with. I was already swimming in a pool of issues, and I didn’t have the mental strength to add something this massive to the pile.
“Aaliyah—”
“Please,” I begged, closing my eyes to try to still my dizzy spell. When I reopened them, his blues were pinned on me. “Please leave, Connor.”
He swallowed hard and nodded slowly. “I’m sorry, Aaliyah. For everything. I know this is a lot, but I figured you should know. I love you, Aaliyah. I always will, and I hope you truly know that.” His eyes locked with mine for a brief second before he slid his hands into his slacks and whispered. “I’m never giving up on you. On us. I’m going to keep showing up for you. I love you, Aaliyah, and I’m not going to give this, give us, up.” He turned around and walked away.
If it weren’t for my brain, my heart would’ve begged him to stay. I didn’t let him walk away because I hated him. I let him go because I loved him. I knew he was sorry, and I knew if I allowed it, he’d stay. But I didn’t want that for him. I didn’t want him to suffer as my life came to an end.
I knew his past traumas. I couldn’t put him through more. Therefore, I lied to him in order to allow him to let me go. As he walked away, he hadn’t even known that he took a piece of me along with him.
I melted into my chair and tried to push down my emotions. My mind went right back to Marie. Breaths became harder and harder to breathe as she filled my head. Before I could process everything that had taken place, Maiv was standing in my doorway with a stern look on her face. Which wasn’t surprising, a stern look was Maiv’s default.
“Aaliyah. I read the article,” she said with lowered brows.
“Oh? If there’s anything you need me to change—”
“Congratulations on the promotion. You’re going to make a great senior editor.”
My heart didn’t know what to do with itself. It was broken from losing Connor, but proud for myself. I knew I wrote the hell out of that article, because I wrote it straight from my heart, broken pieces and all. I bled those words onto the page, highlighting Connor in the only way I knew how—the brightest of lights.
It was easy to write about someone as special as him.
“I’m thinking we’ll title it The Modern Day Gent. This is one of the best reads this magazine has ever had. You should be proud of your hard work. I expect nothing less than this moving forward.”
“You have my word,” I told her. She left my office as I sat and thought about the title. The Modern Day Gent was fitting, it described Connor Roe perfectly.
After my work day, I hopped right into a taxi and headed to Marie and Walter’s home. I knew for a fact that I wouldn’t be able to do anything else until I looked her into her eyes and asked her the question that had been sitting heavily against my chest.
She wasn’t home when I arrived, so I sat on her front porch, waiting.
Hours passed as day kissed nightfall, and I kept waiting. When her car pulled up, and she climbed out of the vehicle, she seemed stunned to see me sitting there. She hurried over to me with a look of alarm. “Aaliyah, sweetheart, are you okay?” she asked, probably noticing the paleness to my skin and the heaviness that sat in my eyes.
I stood up from the steps and looked her straight in the eyes as my whole body began to tremble. “Are you my mother?”
The moment’s hesitation and guilt that flooded her stare told me more than any words she’d deliver ever could’ve.
Oh, my goodness, I was going to be sick.
“You can’t be serious!” I cried out, my voice cracking as I placed my hands on top of my head. My heart pounded at an unbelievable speed against my chest as I sat on the verge of a panic attack.
Tears hit Marie’s eyes as she took a few steps toward me. “Swe
etheart—”
“Don’t,” I cut in, holding a hand toward her. “Do not call me sweetheart.”
“I don’t know how you found out, but…” She swallowed hard as her hands trembled. She placed her palms together in prayer formation and held them against her lips. She shook her head. “You weren’t supposed to find out. I had it worked out so you’d never find out, but we were going to be a family. You were always going to be a part of my family when you married Jason. I know it sounds insane, and odd, but I knew that there would never be a good way to bring you back into my life without all of the guilt and trauma attached to the fact that I—”
“Abandoned me. You abandoned me at birth.”
Her tears fell down her cheeks, but I refused to allow mine to do the same. “It’s not that simple.”
“Don’t make it simple. Just tell me the truth.”
“I grew up like you…I was young and alone. When I met Walter, I felt as if for the first time, I meant something to the world. Someone wanted little ol’ me. It was magical at first. Then, Walter began to work later. He became obsessed with success, and he did anything—and anyone—to climb up the ladder. When I found out he was having an affair, my whole world crashed. I felt betrayed. Disgusted with him, with myself. So, I figured I should be a better wife. A better woman to him. So, I tried to get pregnant. I couldn’t. He kept cheating, so I went and gave myself to another man. I figured if he was a cheater, I should be, too.”
I waited for her to continue. I needed all the pieces to the puzzle I’d been searching for my whole life. No matter how much it burned me.
“I, um, I met a man at a bar. His name was Cole Simms. He was smooth and funnier than any person I’d ever met. He was a jazz performer and played at Ralph’s in Queens every Saturday night. I went for weeks to listen to him play. Then, I fell into his bed. Came out pregnant with you. I told Walter everything. He told me that he’d never take me back unless I’d give the baby up at birth. He told me he’d leave me with nothing and ruin my life. I know it sounds insane, but Aaliyah, I had nothing. I was just a poor girl with nothing to my name, and I didn’t expect to get pregnant. All I wanted to do was make Walter feel an ounce of what he made me feel.”
“So, you gave me up to stay with a man who’d been unfaithful to you.”
“It’s so much harder to explain…” she told me, but I knew it was a lie.
“No. It’s not. You gave me up, you left me alone and abandoned, then you adopted a little boy to call your son.”
She lowered her head. “I know how it sounds…”
“It sounds like you’re the devil,” I agreed, feeling short of breath.
I can’t breathe…
“I think it was Walter’s punishment for me. After I had you, and gave you up, he began to speak about how much he actually wanted a child. A boy. He said if he could have that, he’d start therapy with me. So, we adopted Jason…a five-year-old, because Walter didn’t want to deal with diapers and those early years.”
“You chose Jason over me.”
“You need to understand—”
“The-there’s no-nothing to under-st-and,” I breathed out, feeling an ache in my chest.
I took a step backward, and Marie moved in my direction.
“Aaliyah, you should sit. You’re really pale,” she ordered.
“What happ-ened to my fa-father?” I pushed out, feeling faint.
Syncope.
Noun.
Definition: The temporary loss of consciousness caused by a fall in blood pressure.
Also known as the medical term for passing out.
I felt it coming as my vision waved in and out.
“Aaliyah, please,” she urged.
“Tell me.”
She grimaced as more tears kept falling from her eyes. “I went back a few years ago when Walter and I hit a tough patch, to see if Cole still played jazz music. I found out he passed away.”
“How?”
She swallowed hard. “He had a heart attack. He had a genetic family trait that was passed down the line and…” She shook her head toward me and cupped her hand over her mouth. “I’m so sorry, Aaliyah. I’m so sorry. The moment I found out about his condition I went on a mission to find you. I found out where you worked, and I knew after meeting you, I couldn’t go on not having you in my life.”
So many thoughts crashed into my head. So many feelings, so many emotions, so much pain.
Pain.
I was in pain.
I began to fall backward, catching myself as I hit the step of Marie’s porch. I lowered myself down and placed my hand over my chest as I fought for every breath that came to me.
“Marie?”
“Yes?”
“Call 9-1-1.”
41
Aaliyah
My blood pressure plummeted quickly at Marie’s home. I was rushed to the hospital and put on oxygen. Each breath felt exhausting to take. Once Dr. Erickson found out about my condition, he showed up to the hospital to check in on me. The paleness on his face showed me how dire my situation had become. Then again, I didn’t need him to tell me what I already knew, what my exhausted heart had been telling me for so long.
I was dying.
Marie tried to visit me, but I refused to grant permission to see her. I wasn’t ready to deal with her when I was trying to come to the realization that my life was ending.
I wasn’t leaving the hospital, and I knew that for a fact. Not in my condition. A full day passed as I was being monitored. The room felt so cold as doctors and nurses filtered in and out of the space. They pricked me with needles and watched my numbers, making sure I was still stable.
I felt tired all the time.
All I wanted to do was sleep.
All I wanted to do was close my eyes and make the pain go away.
To my surprise, on day two of my stay in the hospital, I had a visitor. One I’d never expected to be standing in my doorway.
“Damian. What are you doing here?” I asked as he walked into my room. He looked down and somber as he always did. “How did you know I was here?”
“I’m pretty good at finding things out. Can I come in?”
“Sure, but…I’m confused as to why you’re here.” It was no secret that Damian and I weren’t close. We’d only crossed paths a handful of times.
“I’m here on behalf of Connor,” he said flatly.
“I don’t understand.”
“He loves you. You probably don’t want him here because he hurt you. But I’m here because he loves you and he wouldn’t want you to be alone, so I’m going to sit here.”
“Thi-is is crazy,” I breathed out, fatigued. Exhausted.
“Yeah, well, I hear love can make situations a bit crazy.” He scratched at the stubble on his chin. “You need to give him another shot.”
“Damian—”
“Listen, I’m not here to stress you out or anything. Clearly, you’re going through some serious shit. But I just needed to say that. I get it. I grew up in the foster system, too. I got a lot of jaded thoughts about people and trust issues. I have abandonment issues that I can’t even began to express, but Connor isn’t the bad guy, Aaliyah. The rest of this fucked up world is.”
“I don’t know…”
“I get it. You’re hurt. Be hurt. But then, give him another chance.”
“It’s not that easy, Damian.”
“It has to be. Because this is personal to me.”
“How so?”
He clasped his hands together and leaned forward. “You saved me.”
I raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“You saved my life. Almost three years ago now, I was at my lowest point. I was thinking about ending my life. I felt lost and alone. I had nobody who gave a shit about me, and I sure as fuck didn’t give a fuck about myself, so I figured what was the point. Then out of nowhere this goofy-ass guy with bad jokes came into my life and kept hammering at me to open up to him. He wouldn’t let up, either. He
kept pushing me with his sunshine and corny persona to get me to let him in. After all that work, I asked him why it was so important to him. He told me he met Little Red Riding Hood, and she changed his life for the better.
“He wanted to be able to do the same for someone else. If you never existed…if you never changed Connor’s life, he would’ve never changed mine. I wouldn’t be alive today if it weren’t for you, Aaliyah. You brought someone into my life who believed that my life was worth living. Someone who gave me a shot to make something of myself when the rest of the world ignored me. So, understand me when I say this is personal to me.”
His words soaked deep into my soul. I hardly could believe what he was sharing with me, but then again, I could because that was the type of person Connor was—he helped people. Still, I was scared of letting him back in.
“Have you ever been in love, Damian?”
“No,” he quickly replied. “But I’d be damned if I ran from it when it came to me. People like us don’t get the happy beginnings, but that doesn’t mean we don’t get the happy endings.”
I knew Damian coming to speak to me was a big deal. Damian didn’t often speak to anyone. Every time I crossed paths with him, he only offered up a few almost smiles here and there before he’d go back to minding his own business and living solely in his thoughts.
“Aaliyah,” Damian said, stepping a bit closer to me. “Don’t do this.”
Even though he looked so tough all the time, so hard and cold, his eyes currently were washed over with empathy. With care. Every piece of him in that moment felt like a warmth I hadn’t seen in a very long time.
“Don’t do what?”
“Run away from something good because you’re afraid that someday that person will run away first. Connor’s not a runner. Yeah, he fucked up and hesitated, but fuck, he’s human. He spent his whole childhood thinking his mother was going to die. Then when he found out you were sick he fell into the old thought process that had haunted him for so many years. He’s scared, Aaliyah. The guy is fucking terrified of losing you, but he wasn’t going to run. He just stumbled a little.”
Eastern Lights Page 30
