Under the Christmas Star

by Amanda Tru

  Orion took off across the white blanket of snow. When he was almost directly beneath the spotlight from one of the church’s overhead lights, he leaped into the air with his teeth engulfing the snowball in one mighty gulp. The snowball instantly shattered in his mouth, snow flying everywhere while Orion shook his head to and fro.

  Then he came back to Emma and stood right in front her, tension in every muscle as he awaited the next throw.

  “Does he like that?” Leo asked, incredulously.

  “He loves it,” Emma replied.

  “But I think he’d hate the feel of snow in his mouth,” Leo marveled, still looking at Orion in disbelief.

  “You’d think he should, but he begs for more.” As if to prove her point, she waved the snowball in her hand, and Orion followed every millimeter of movement with his eyes, his muscles twitching in anticipation. “When he first started doing it, I thought his head shake was a shiver of dislike, but I’ve decided it’s the cold thrill of pure enjoyment.”

  Emma tossed the snowball. It flew a good distance but didn’t meet the ground before Orion flew through the air and chomped it with glee.

  “He’ll catch a frisbee, too,” Emma reported proudly, “But the frisbee doesn’t seem to excite him as much as the snowballs. He would catch them until he fell over, though, so I only let him do a few snowballs. I don’t want his tongue to get frostbite!”

  Leo stooped down to gather a handful of snow and pack it together. “May I throw him one more?” he asked.

  “Sure,” Emma responded right before Leo drew his arm back and let the snowball fly across the lawn at about twice the distance Emma had thrown.

  Orion ripped across the snow. Emma lost track of his shadow only for him to suddenly launch into the spotlight glow of Christmas lights and capture the snowball with his open mouth.

  Orion came trotting back shivering with both cold and delight.

  Leo turned to Emma. “I should have never kissed you the other night,” he said abruptly. “I’m afraid I gave you the wrong impression. Emma, I’m not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you.”

  Emma swallowed with difficulty. On the one hand, a “romantic relationship” sounded intimidating, and she was unsure she’d want that either. On the other hand, it hurt to be rejected so flatly. He was breaking up with her before Emma knew there was anything to break up from.

  “Was it the muffins?” she asked, voicing the first coherent thought that swam through her mind.

  Leo’s mouth curved up at the ends. “No, it wasn’t the muffins, though some of my officers were convinced I coerced you into poisoning them.”

  “It was a bad recipe,” Emma explained mournfully. “My mom intended to throw it away, and I happened to find it.”

  Leo assured, “It’s fine, Emma. Really. The muffins have nothing to do with it. With all the calling, and then with the kiss the other night, I didn’t want to lead you into believing there could be something between us.”

  At the mention of her call yesterday, Emma rushed to explain, “I’m sorry I called yesterday. I was trying to tell you I’d found one of my stolen ornaments. I—”

  Leo held up a hand. “Emma, I don’t need to hear it. As I’ve said before, your ornaments are not part of the investigation. We have concluded that the crime was entirely random. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. We’ll keep the case open but are no longer actively investigating. Random crimes are often the most difficult to solve. Since our professional involvement is at a close, I want to make sure you understand that there will be no further personal involvement either.”

  Orion shuffled in between Leo and Emma, but when neither offered a pat or any kind of attention he wandered away as far as his leash allowed and sniffed under the bushes and trees of the church’s landscaping.

  Emma looked behind Leo to the lights strung across the church’s roofline and began counting the colored bulbs as she tried to sort through what was happening. Emma had watched enough movies and read enough books to understand, at least in theory, how this was supposed to work. Wasn’t he supposed to say something along the lines of wanting to just be friends? However, he instead clarified that he wanted no involvement with her at all. What was going on? What had she done to offend him so?

  “So, if it isn’t the muffins, and it isn’t the calling, then why?” Emma asked outright. “I didn’t imagine you were my boyfriend or anything, but why is imagining me your girlfriend so impossible? Saying you want ‘no further personal involvement’ makes it sound like friendship is just as impossible as well.”

  Leo shuffled his feet, pushing some snow out of the path and looking uncharacteristically uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Emma. Please believe me when I say that it has nothing to do with you. It’s me.”

  Emma stopped counting Christmas lights and looked at him sharply. Finally, familiar ground. She’d at least heard this part before. “Isn’t that what people say when they break up with someone, especially when they mean the exact opposite?”

  “In this case, it’s true,” Leo assured. “I have too many issues to have a healthy relationship with anyone. You’ve seen how I hurt others.”

  His reasoning didn’t sound logical. In that case, Emma could only conclude that she must have offended him in a way he wasn’t willing to admit. Returning to counting the lights, she persisted. “A relationship with me is doomed before it even starts? And that includes relationships both romantic and platonic.”

  Leo finally looked at her directly, as if willing her to understand. His dark eyes appeared even darker in the dim glow of lights. His features strained and tensed, and Emma felt his sincerity in every syllable. “It isn’t you that is doomed. It’s me. I have so many issues that I have no faith in myself. I will hurt you, and I can’t stand that thought.”

  “I don’t think you’re the one you’re supposed to have faith in,” Emma replied simply.

  Leo threw his arms up, clearly becoming exasperated. “Yet another reason we aren’t compatible! Emma, I don’t share your beliefs. I’m damaged goods. I’m cynical and demanding. I distrust everyone and think that most people wear façades as intricate as my brother’s. Those who don’t are foolish like my parents. I have no hope for humanity, and yet I live to protect them. Sometimes that means protecting others from me. I’m not good for you in any way Emma, and I respect you too much to pretend otherwise.”

  “Then why?” Emma asked casually, her lips moving as she passed seventy-five and continued counting.

  “I told you why.” Leo’s voice now held a hint of the familiar growl.

  “No, why did you kiss me?” She counted quicker now, about three numbers to every heartbeat.

  Leo paused, his agitated movements stilling for the space of several seconds. “I guess it was a moment of weakness,” he replied cautiously, as if voicing the thought even as it formed. “I regret it. If it makes you feel any better, I feel like a cad.”

  “‘Cad. A man who behaves dishonorably, especially toward a woman.’” Emma quoted, the dictionary in her mind always at the ready.

  Leo winced. “Which would be worse, letting you know I didn’t want a relationship now, or leading you on and letting you believe it possible, only to hurt you later?

  “You aren’t attracted to me at all?” Emma asked matter-of-factly. Even as she passed 100 and moved to count the lights strung toward the roof peak, she felt confused as to how she could have totally misread him. He’d kissed her. Did men kiss women they didn’t feel attracted to?

  “Please don’t make me hurt you more,” Leo whispered hoarsely.

  Emma chanced a glance at him, seeing his eyes closed briefly, and for once, he was the one refusing to make eye contact.

  “Tell me,” Emma insisted, focusing on Leo and momentarily forgetting the lights. “You know I don’t read between the lines. Tell me bluntly how you feel so there is no room for me to misinterpret.”

  His jaw set and he finally looked up, his gaze harsh. “You’re
a very pretty girl, Emma, but not my type. The lights, the party, and everything else combined Friday night. I felt sorry for you after the party, and I guess with my defenses down, I made a mistake.”

  Emma flinched, her breath shortening. Frantically she looked for the lights to continue counting, but she couldn’t remember where she’d left off. “You kissed me because you felt sorry for me?” she asked, her voice trembling.

  Leo shrugged.

  Emma swallowed with difficulty and took deep breaths. “Interesting,” she said, working to keep the tears away and her voice calm and casual. “I guess you’re more like your brother than you realize.”

  Leo startled and glared at her in instant anger. “How so?”

  “Either you truly are a cad who takes advantage of vulnerable women, kissing them only to throw them aside on the charity project excuse a few days later. Or you’re a liar. Either option likely does your brother proud.”

  Emma turned and strode to her car, pulling Orion beside her and promising herself that if she made it home, she could have a good breakdown. Though she didn’t look at him again, she felt Leo’s presence as he stood and wordlessly watching her leave.

  She unlocked the door, put Orion in the back, and then looked up, longing to see the familiar stars. However, the sky was leaden with more impending snow, leaving Emma lost without even the stars to draw comfort.

  Emma shouldn’t have mentioned Leo’s brother. As soon as she made it home and locked herself in her room, she’d indulged in a proper meltdown. When the tears and shaking subsided, guilt was the primary emotion that remained.

  She felt shocked at herself. She’d long resigned herself to the notion that she was broken in her social skills, and yet she had managed to conduct herself in a way that seemed very near every breakup scene she’d ever watched or read. Even more astonishing, she’d landed a hurtful zinger without following any script of how she should behave. Now, that one “normal” remark plagued her conscience most.

  It was all her fault. She knew she didn’t read people well, and yet everything in her disagreed when Leo claimed he wasn’t attracted to her. The expressions on his face that night after the party, and the way he’d kissed her, made her believe otherwise. How could he kiss her that way and not be attracted to her?

  That thought is what had made her respond the way she had, but that didn’t give her an excuse for hurting him, especially since she now realized she was wrong. She still believed Leo to be a nice man. She still liked him, much more than she should. She couldn’t believe him a cad, and she was wrong in her idea that he was lying. All that meant what she already knew: she was lousy at reading people and even more lousy at wanna-be relationships.

  Emma pulled the covers up over her head, wishing she could hide from her thoughts just as easily. If she had Leo’s number, she’d text him and apologize. She’d only ever called Leo at work, though, and he’d never volunteered his personal number. It wasn’t as if she could call him tomorrow at work to apologize either. He’d made his feelings very clear, and Emma would have to be dying before she’d ever call the police station ever again.

  The more she thought of it, the more she realized Leo wasn’t trying to be hurtful, at least not until she’d pushed him. He’d simply wanted to let her know he wasn’t interested in her romantically. They’d never been on an official date, didn’t have an understanding of any kind, and he didn’t owe her an explanation. She still didn’t understand why he’d kissed her, but that didn’t really matter.

  She’d said something to deliberately hurt him. To Emma, that was inexcusable. Strangely, one of her fears was that her lack of social grace might inadvertently hurt someone. In this case, she couldn’t blame her autism at all. She’d been mad and wanted to hurt him like he’d hurt her, and that made for a horrible reflection on both her and her Lord.

  Emma tossed and turned, not able to free herself from the obsessive guilt. Finally, she sat up, took out her phone, and brought up her contacts. She had Kate’s number. Would she be able to help?

  kate, it’s emma sheldon. do u have chief jacobs’ cell phone number?

  Emma pressed send before she could change her mind. She didn’t offer any explanation, and Kate would probably want to know why. Maybe she should have asked for “Leo’s number” instead of “Chief Jacobs.” She didn’t want Kate to think she’d be bothering him about something work-related on his personal line, but she also didn’t want her to think there was something personal between them. But even if there was, wouldn’t she already have his number?

  Oh, dear, she was sure to just make the awkward situation worse.

  Emma’s phone beeped. Leo’s number appeared on the screen. No questions asked.

  Emma promptly typed a text to the new number.

  this is emma sheldon. i shouldn’t have mentioned your brother. i’m sorry.

  Emma pressed send. Leo might be mad that she had his number, but at least she’d done what she could to apologize. She knew she probably wouldn’t get a response, and she tried to tell herself that was okay.

  Idly, she brought up her email. Seeing a new message from Woong, she read it, immediately feeling for the boy. It sounded like they’d both had a rough day. Woong had been made fun of at school because of a girl he liked. Making the situation more difficult, the girl was also his best friend.

  Emma understood being teased and even bullied. She’d had that a lot when growing up different. However, she’d never been teased for liking someone. She never knew about making heart smiley faces like other kids did, so she didn’t know how to behave when she did like someone. The few boys she liked, she ignored. If ever they looked her direction, she’d look away. It felt too awkward, especially since her differences made it impossible for any of them to like her in return.

  Deciding to reply to him tomorrow when she could better think about what to say, she turned off her phone and shut her eyes.

  Dear Lord, please help Woong. I don’t know how to advise him. I have no idea how best to handle situations with a bully or someone you like romantically. Today ended the only relationship I never had!

  Help Woong to know how to handle the bully and also his friend, Becky. This friendship is very important to him, so please help Becky to be understanding. Comfort Woong and help him not to feel awkward. Also help him to choose the perfect ornament for me to make for his mother. And let him decide soon!

  Praying for someone other than herself helped her somehow. It got her mind off her own troubles and let her believe she was helping someone else. Her mind drifted over others in her life, touching on her parents and others from church she knew needed prayer. While bringing those people to the Lord, she finally grew drowsy. When she was somewhere between sleep and awake, her phone beeped.

  Emma gasped and sat up in bed, startled and fumbling for her phone.

  LEO: that’s ok. i deserved it.

  Emma turned the phone off and rolled over, the last few moments before sleep consumed with prayers FOR the man who hurt her earlier that evening. With that final text as evidence, Emma suspected that as miserable as she was, Leo was more.

  Emma set the cruise control at 65 and not a smidge over. She’d met her parents in Brighton Falls to look at new cars, but Emma hadn’t found anything she liked. It finally looked like the insurance would issue a payment for her stolen car, but since it was an older vehicle, that money wouldn’t quite cover the cost of a newer, nicer vehicle. Emma now faced the challenge of deciding if she wanted to spend extra money on something that may run better and longer than a vehicle with high mileage. Add to that her strong aversion to certain colors, styles, interiors, etc., and finding the perfect car became nearly impossible.

  After both her parents and Emma herself reached frustration level, they’d decided to try again another time. Cindy and Robert left to do a little shopping and get some dinner. Emma left for home to work on a few ornaments.

  Of course, her parents wanted her to stay and eat dinner with them, but Emma didn�
��t feel like socializing, even with her parents. The memories of her “breakup” with Leo yesterday still had her rattled, and she didn’t want to talk about it. So far, she’d avoided all of her mother’s questions, and she wanted to keep it that way.

  She hadn’t heard anything from Leo, and she didn’t expect to. The more she thought about it, the more she realized how foolish she had been to hope that he cared for her. She had obviously read the kiss and him completely wrong. He had pulled away suddenly and seemed withdrawn after they kissed, so maybe that’s what she should have read more than the kiss itself. Either way, she was wrong, and nothing she did could change the fact that Leo didn’t like her romantically and wasn’t interested in a relationship. None of that should surprise Emma. She’d long told herself that no man could love her. This was just further proof.

  If she could think about it clearly, she really should be relieved. Leo wasn’t a Christian, and Emma shouldn’t be thinking about him romantically anyway. Though she knew in her head that relationships should include a shared faith, that didn’t seem to ease the ache in her heart at all.

  Emma sighed and glanced in her rearview mirror. Headlights seemed to be getting closer, and Emma knew other vehicles were gaining on her, which wasn’t surprising. Cars liked to drive over the speed limit on this road. It didn’t seem to matter if it was dark, as it was tonight. If someone went the speed limit, he or she was usually passed as if driving a slow-moving vehicle. Emma mentally prepared for angry drivers to pass her, but even that wouldn’t make her move the speed up even a little over the limit.

  Emma looked forward to pulling into her own driveway and eating some popcorn while she worked in her studio. She’d hopefully have an email from Woong when she got there. He seemed to be close to deciding on the ornament for his mom. After hearing his parents’ story, Emma hoped she could create an ornament that did their lives justice.

  That car behind her tailgated awfully close. There weren’t any cars coming the other direction. Emma wished he would just pass. Instead, he came closer, his headlights growing large and blazing through her rearview mirror, blinding her so she couldn’t see a thing.