She looks down, and I see the anguish on her face.
“She seems fine in herself. She’s awake and alert, and she is a lot better now than she was before the operation. I worry it’s a case of the calm before the storm. I’m just waiting for something bad to happen, you know?” I know what she means.
“Oh, Alana, stay positive. I’m sure she will recover from her operation, and they will get a liver for her. Did you get the results from the biopsies they took during surgery?”
“They were inconclusive. They want to do more tests on her. The surgeon isn’t convinced the cancer hasn’t spread. It’s another waiting game. They say it’s possible a cell from the infected liver has strayed but can’t be sure about it at this time and want to administer another course of chemo. I don’t know what to think anymore, Theon. I’m just trying to get through one day at a time. Bailee and Bryan are coming later, and that always cheers Caroline up. It also means I must put on a brave face. They know about the liver transplant, but they don’t know about the biopsies. I’ll tell them if anything comes from it.” I pull her into me and hug her to my chest. She sighs into me and wraps her arms around my waist. This feels so good, so comforting. Something I’ve missed for so long now.
“Thank you. This is just what I need. You always seem to know what I need.” She looks up at me. God, I can’t get over how beautiful she is. How I didn’t see it straight away is beyond me, but then I didn’t really look. The more time I spend with her, the more I’m falling for her. This is going to be hard. I have never thought of anyone in this way since Evelyn. What are the chances of falling for someone under such stressful circumstances? Is it the circumstances that are making me feel this way?
“As do you. I’m here for you, Alana.” I kiss the top of her head. I love how she feels in my arms. I also feel guilty for feeling like this. Just then, Sonia walks around the corner. Our eyes meet, and I step away from Alana quickly. I feel like a kid who has just been caught kissing his girlfriend. I’m sure I blush. Sonia walks past us and into Evelina’s room, smiling and saying hi to Alana. She is really cool about it when I walked back into the room, just asking how Caroline and Alana were doing.
I’m on my way to the toy store. I’m going to get Evander something as well, but that will be in the Apple store. He’s been after an iMac laptop for a while now, and I think he deserves something for going through all this. I don’t think I spoil them that much and they have to do chores at home for pocket money. I’m a firm believer in having them be able to fend for themselves. I have a housekeeper, and to be honest, I couldn’t do without Mavis, and she adores the Evs, but they still have to do dishes and tidy their rooms. I also have Mavis teaching them how to cook simple stuff.
I pick up some new DVD’s, and I go to the Monster High aisle and grab some bits there. I have no idea if what I have got is what she wants, but I’m sure she hasn’t got them already. I get a Monster High pillow for her bed at the hospital, which I know she will love. Then, in the soft toy aisle, I get her a Sully from Monsters Inc. and a Lotso bear from Toy Story. I know she loves both of these characters. I then pick up a big Eeyore and a big Pooh Bear for Caroline. I want to put a smile on her face. She’s younger than Evelina, so I’m sure she will love them. I seem to remember some Eeyore slippers in her room, so she must like him.
I head to the Apple store and get the iMac for Evander. He’s getting to be a right whizz with computers. He loves spending time with me at the office when they are on school holidays. He really gets into the graphics side of creating games, which makes me so happy. He’s definitely going to take after his mum and me. I have no idea where Evelina is heading. She lives in the clouds most of the time. I need to check in with Sonia. It’s killing me being away for so long.
“Hey, how’s she doing? Any change?”
“Hi, Theon. No, nothing. You know I would phone you if there were. Hey, don’t worry. Have a bit of ‘you’ time. You need it. Stay out a bit longer and try not to worry. Go and treat yourself. Get a haircut. You’ve been saying for days that your hair is too long.”
“Ok, but call me if anything changes. I hate being away. I feel I should be there.”
“I know, but please don’t worry. I don’t think anything is going to happen today. See you soon.” And she hangs up on me before I can say anymore.
I head to a barbershop, not to cut my hair because I kind of like it long, but a nice shave with a hot towel on my face is just what I need. I do just that. I get a tidy up of my hair, but he doesn’t cut much length off it. He even gives me an Alice band to wear.
“Are you shitting me right now?” I ask him as he hands me the band. “My daughter wears these. She will say I look really silly with an Alice band in my hair. Please don’t give me a purple sparkly one or she will pinch it off me,” I say laughing at him.
“These are all the rage with the young men who have long hair. Here, let me show you some pictures. They look really good.” He shows me pictures on his phone, and he’s right, they do look good. He gives me a black one. It keeps my hair from my face, which is a good thing. I kind of like it.
I want to buy a gift for Alana. I have no idea what to get her. I know she’s a gamer and she likes flowers. I don’t want to get her any jewelry because I think that’s a bit forward and personal. I’m passing a shop when I spot something in the window that I think she will love, just a little something to cheer her up and put a smile on her beautiful face, even if it’s just for a minute. Then, I go into the florist that is near my parked car, and I get a lovely big floral display for Sonia, again to put a smile on her face.
10 Years Earlier
I WAKE UP the next day in the spare bedroom. I have to think why I’m in here, lying on the bed with photos next to me and two bottles of wine on the bedside table. Then it hits me like a wrecking ball.
Evelyn.
Fuck.
She’s gone, and I cry with the reality hitting me. No wonder I have a constant headache with all the crying. I need to get in touch with the hospital and see what has happened with her. I have no fucking idea where she is or even where to go from here, but burying my head in the sand or in a bottle isn’t helping me. Well actually yes it is, it makes me forget for a few hours but then when that fucking wrecking ball or tsunami as Arnold says hits, then it’s like losing her for the first time all over again.
I grab my phone from my bedside, and I see I have five missed calls from Arnold and Sonia and that it’s also 11 a.m. I presume they got the babies yesterday and wanted me to help them. I can’t, not yet. I don’t know if I ever will. Can I really do this to them? Was it their fault? Maybe if I speak to the doctor, she can shed some light on why this happened, and I can ask if it was the babies that killed her. Dr. Zelda should be able to tell me. Am I ready to find out and speak about losing Evelyn? The simple answer is no, but I don’t think I ever will be, and I know I’ve got to do it. I can’t leave everything to Sonia and Arnold. She was their daughter, and I know they’re hurting as much as I am.
I get up and go to the bathroom before heading downstairs. I need a coffee before I make any phone calls. Maybe some wine even. No, I can’t do that. Not now. I need to be strong.
I shower, which I need badly — I still have sand in my hair and stink of the ocean. It all comes back to me. Santa Monica — and what a sight I must have looked to that poor guy in the restaurant. I must thank him.
I head into the babies’ room to see if Arnold has been and taken what he needs. It feels strange coming into the room. It should make me feel ecstatic, knowing we have two little mini-me’s as we referred to them, but as it is, I don’t feel anything as I stand here. Numb.
I’d loved this room, the way we had both decorated it ready for the twins to arrive. Now, not so much.
It certainly looks like stuff has been taken and moved around. The bath basins and romper baskets are gone, along with all the baby lotions, blankets, some baby toys, the bottles, and sterilizing units. I look where the steril
izing unit once stood, and there, on the side, is the breast milk pump. It breaks me, knowing there will be no breast milk for them, to help them grow. I collapse to the floor on my knees, and I cry, cry for my Evelyn, that she is gone and will never experience being a mother, and for me because I’ve lost her. I knew it was too soon to come into this room. I crawl out on my hands and knees making sure I shut the door closed with a bang. I don’t want to go in there again.
Once I pull myself together, I head downstairs for some coffee before starting on my phone calls.
I speak to Arnold, who wants to make sure I’m okay as I haven’t been back to the house. I tell him I need space, and that I came home last night. I don’t once ask him how the babies are, and he never mentions them. The conversation goes okay until he puts Sonia on the phone to me. She’s just finished feeding baby two, and baby one is crying.
“Theon, sweetie, are you going to come back?”
“No,” is all I say.
She sighs down the phone. “They need their daddy, Theon. I know it’s hard for you right now, but they need you. You need to come and see them, and they need proper names.”
“They don’t need me, and I don’t need them. Call them what you want. Thing One and Thing Two would be appropriate.”
“Theon Tourney, don’t you dare say that about your babies. About Evelyn’s babies. I will not have it. You and Evelyn had names ready, so you need to give your babies some names. Either use what you and Evelyn picked, or you come and see them and name them yourself. We have to get them registered.” I don’t like doing it, but I hang up on her. I didn’t want to hear any of this shit. I grab a bottle of wine and pour myself a generous glass.
I didn’t want to do this, but I need it.
My next phone call is to Dr. Zelda.
“Mr. Tourney, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I know you must have some questions for me?”
“Yes, I do. Can I come in to see you?”
“Yes, can you get here in the hour?”
“Yes, I will be there.” I hang up. I take another gulp of wine but am going to drive so don’t have any more. I get to Dr. Zelda’s office in forty minutes, not caring if I get pulled over for speeding. I walk into the office and stand at the reception desk until Dr. Zelda comes out. I’m in no mood for shit off anyone. We walk into her office, and I don’t even sit down.
“What happened? Why did she die? She had babies for fuck’s sake. Hundreds and thousands of women have babies and don’t die, so why the fuck did she die, doc?” I have to say, she doesn’t look shocked at my outburst. She was obviously expecting it.
“Please have a seat, Mr. Tourney.” I sit in front of her desk. My bouncing leg showing my agitation.
“Mr. Tourney, please accept my deepest condolences. I know you don’t think this should happen in this day and age, but unfortunately, death in childbirth is a lot more common than you realize. Pre-Eclampsia is a common complication during pregnancy. We closely monitored Mrs. Tourney due to her high blood pressure, but, unfortunately, Mrs. Tourney developed eclampsia going into labor at home, which is why she was passing out and why she was non-responsive in theatre. She had gone into a coma, Mr. Tourney. This is why they had to do the C-section to get your babies out before something happened to them.” She stops as if judging my reaction before carrying on.
“Mr. Tourney, there was no way of saving Mrs. Tourney. It all happened too fast.”
“Did the babies kill her?”
“If you’re asking me if Mrs. Tourney had not got pregnant then would she be alive today, then the answer is yes. But it wasn’t the babies that killed her, Mr. Tourney. It was childbirth that took her away from you. It was being pregnant that killed her. It just seemed pregnancy wasn’t for Mrs. Tourney. The babies did not kill your wife, Mr. Tourney.”
I sigh with relief. They didn’t kill her. I lean forward, rubbing my hands over my face and letting out a deep breath. Then it hits me hard. I get up stumbling to the door.
“It’s me. I killed her. Fucking hell. I killed my wife by getting her pregnant. It’s all my fault she isn’t here — not the babies. It’s me. I did it. I murdered my wife.”
I grab for the door, falling to the floor in front of it before getting it open, my legs just turning to jelly. Dr. Zelda is trying to get me up, but I’m too big for her, and I shrug her off me. She’s talking to me, but I have no idea what she’s saying. I can hear her saying things like, no you didn’t murder her, not your fault, no-one could know, it could happen at any pregnancy, but , I can’t take it in. I don’t look at her. I manage to get up and somehow walk out of the office.
I find myself in a bar. I have no idea how, and I don’t care. I’m downing Fireball by the glass until the bartender refuses to give me any more, telling me I’ve had enough. Who the fuck is he to tell me I’ve had enough? I stumble from the bar and find a liquor store. I buy a bottle of Fireball then just walk, if you can call it that, staggering all over the place. I see the entrance to a storm drain. I don’t care who is in there — it will do. I sit, and I drink the fireball. That’s the last I remember.
I wake up not knowing where I am. My phone is buzzing, and I fumble for it. It’s Arnold. I ignore it. Then it hits me, Dr. Zelda’s office, and finding out I killed Evelyn. It was me. All my fault. My phone buzzed again in my hand. It’s Arnold. I can’t speak to him. I can’t tell them I killed Evelyn. It’s 2.30 a.m., shit, how long was I passed out? I need more drink. I need to forget and numb my feelings.
The bottle at the side of me is empty. I try to get up but fall back down and bang my head on the wall I’ve been slumped against. That fucking hurt. I rub it and see I have blood on my hand. Good. I want to bleed. I want to hurt. I manage to get up to go and look for a liquor store. I find one and get two bottles of Fireball this time. I head back to the storm drain and sit back down, taking long gulps from one of the bottles. It helps. I need the burn. I need it to numb everything I feel. I need it to carry on breathing. I pass out again.
I wake with a start. Someone is touching me. I swat in front of me, but I can’t open my eyes.
“Getch ov me,” I slur, but they don’t say anything, and I don’t have the strength to fight anyone. In fact, I don’t want to. Let them do what they want to me. I don’t fucking care. I deserve everything I get. I hear footsteps running away. I reach for my bottle and put it to my lips. I tilt my head back, but there’s nothing in the bottle. I manage to crack my eyes open to search for a bottle with something in it, but there is nothing. I fall to the side and pass out again.
Someone is shaking me. “Sir, sir can you hear me, sir?”
“Huh, leave me alone.”
“Sir, can you sit up for me?”
“No, leave me.”
“I can’t do that, sir. I need to get you to the hospital. I need you to sit up. Come on, let me help you?”
“No.” I can hear talking, voices, then I feel myself being hauled up and put onto something. Then I’m moving. My head is throbbing. I feel sick.
“Shick,” I manage then lean over and throw up.
“It’s okay, sir, get it out.” We’ve stopped. I open my eyes and see we are on a street, but I have no idea where we are. I retch again and again. Once I lay back down, we start moving. I feel like I’m being lifted. Then, there’s movement again, and I pass out.
“Sir, Sir, can you hear me? Do you know where you are? Can you tell me your name?” The voice sounds miles away. I can feel someone touching my face, my eyes, but can’t open them. Then there’s a light. It’s being shone in my eyes as someone is prying my lids open.
“Sir, you’re in the hospital. You were found passed out. Do you know what happened?”
“No.” That’s all I can manage. Then nothing again.
I wake up wondering where I am. I’m in a room — a hospital room. Fuck what am I doing here? Oww my head hurts. My eyes hurt. The light is killing me. I reach up to my head, and there is a bandage wrapped around it. What happened? I don’t remember any
thing. I don’t know what day it is or what time it is. Just then a nurse comes in.
“Oh, you’re awake. Welcome back. How are you feeling?”
“Honestly, like crap. How long have I been here?”
“Do you know where you are, sir?”
“Hospital, I take it, seems as though you’re a nurse.”
“Yes, you were brought in yesterday morning. You were unconscious, with a nasty gash on your head. Do you remember what happened?” I go to shake my head, but it kills.
“No.”
“We couldn’t find any ID or a phone. Looks like you were mugged?” Oh shit, no. My phone has so many pictures of us in it and recent ones too.
“Sir, can you remember your name?”
“Yes, Theon Tourney.”
“Great Mr. Tourney, is there anyone I can phone. Your wife must be really worried about you.” I freeze. My wife.
“Fuck!” I say out loud as it all comes flooding back. I put my hand over my eyes. The tears are starting to run down my cheeks. I can’t stop them.
“Mr. Tourney. Are you okay, sir? Is it your head? I can get you some painkillers?” I can’t speak. I start coughing from the lump in my throat, which in turn makes my head throb even more. God, kill me now. Why am I still here? Why.
“Mr. Tourney?” She puts her hand on my arm, and it makes me jump.
“I’m sorry, sir. But, are you okay?” I’m getting angry now, not at her, but myself. I remember seeing Dr. Zelda and the realization I killed Evelyn.
“No, I’m not fucking okay. I killed my fucking wife, so no there is no one to call. No one to worry about me, okay?” I say gritting my teeth. She steps back with a look of horror on her face.
“Yeah, that’s right, I’m a monster.”
She quickly exits the room.
Present
I PLACE SULLY and Lotso on Evelina’s bed along with the Monsters High pillow from my shopping trip, telling her that she has some new friends that want to meet her. Later on, I go to Caroline’s room. The door is ajar, and I stand there for a minute until Alana turns and sees me. She sensed I was there. I knew she would.
The Best Day of My Life Page 16
