“Hey, come here.” I pull her into my chest, hold her head and hug her. She hugs me back so tightly. She needs this comfort right now.
“You know you can come to me at any time, don’t forget that. You are no trouble at all. Let’s wait to see what Dr. Cassidy says before jumping to conclusions, Okay?” She nods her head. I keep hold of her. Hugging her. Comforting her as well as me taking some comfort from this. I kiss the top of her head as she continues to cry, and I see Sonia come into view. She stops when she sees us at the doorway to Evelina’s room. She mouths, asking if everything is okay, I nod, letting her know its fine to carry on.
“Hey, Theon, Alana. Is Caroline okay?” Alana steps out of my arms looking a little embarrassed that Sonia saw that. She wipes her eyes. Sonia reaches into her purse and gives Alana a tissue to blow her nose.
“Thank you, Sonia. No, Caroline seems to be getting sick again. They’ve taken her for an MRI. I don’t know what’s happening yet. I’m scared.” I pull her back into my chest. It’s where she feels safest at the moment.
“Oh, Alana. I’m sorry, love. Let’s hope they find out why she is poorly again. I’ll nip in and sit with Evelina if you two want to go get a coffee.” She nods at me, and I nod back, mouthing thank you. She rubs Alana’s back and then steps around me into Evelina’s room. I turn to Sonia. “Call me if you need me. Thank you.”
We head outside to our bench for some fresh air. Alana’s tucked into my side, but she’s not crying now. I have my arm around her shoulder, and I’m rubbing it.
“I’m sure they will sort her out, Alana. Maybe they will get a liver very soon. I know what you’re going through. I keep telling Evelina that it’s time to wake up now so we can all go home. It’s killing me. Even Dr. Cassidy said last week she was surprised how long she has been in a coma and that just made me panic.”
“Oh, Theon, I’m sure she will wake up when she’s ready. This may be just her way of not having to go through the sickness of the chemo. It’s horrible.” I know she’s right.
Just then Alana’s phone buzzes, she looks at it. “I need to go. Dr. Cassidy is looking for me. She’s asked if I will go to her office. I’m scared, Theon. Will you come with me please?”
I don’t hesitate. “Of course I will. Come on.” I get up, holding my hand out to her. We walk back to Dr. Cassidy’s office, and Alana taps gently on the door but doesn’t wait for Dr. Cassidy to speak, she just walks in. I walk in with her and see the look of surprise on the Doc’s face.
“Hi, Dr. Cassidy. I’ve brought Theon for support. I don’t mind him hearing any of this.”
“Ok, great, please take a seat both of you.” She gestures to the chairs in front of her desk. I don’t like this office. It’s always brought bad news, and I don’t like the look on her face right now either.
“Mrs. Tudrow. We’ve done an MRI and a CT scan on Caroline, and it’s not good news, I’m afraid.” Alana grabs my hand and squeezes hard as the doc is talking.
“Caroline’s liver is failing. It’s more damaged than the surgeon thought. She needs a liver transplant immediately. Her kidneys are also struggling, which is common with liver failure. I’m so sorry to tell you that if we don’t get a liver for Caroline in the next day or two, she will not survive more than a few days.”
“NO, please! No! Oh, god. No, please, no,” Alana screams out then collapses on the floor. I catch her just before she hits her head on the desk. I pull her onto my knee and stroke her back.
“Shhh, Alana. Are you with me, baby? Can you hear me?” She looks up at me, and her face is pure agony.
“Dr. Cassidy, how can we expedite a liver for Caroline? Can I pay for one privately? Does it work like that?”
“No, it doesn’t I’m afraid. Caroline will now go near the top of the waiting list, and if one becomes available that is a match for her, then she gets it. We can’t buy a liver.”
“Money can buy anything. I don’t care how much it costs. Can I pay to get Caroline to the top of the list, not just near the top?” Alana is sobbing into my chest while I rub her back. I don’t think she is with us at this point. I stare at the doc and raise my eyebrows at her?
“I’m sorry but no Mr. Tourney, the hospital will not do that. There are too many patients waiting for organs, as sad as that is, there is no way to expedite one.” I know she’s right. I know Caroline is not the only child in here waiting for an organ, I just feel so hopeless and want to be able to help.
She gets up from behind her desk. “Can you take Mrs. Tudrow back to Caroline’s room? Caroline is in ICU at the moment. Once Mrs. Tudrow is ready, I will take you up there to see her. I am sorry, Mrs. Tudrow.” I nod and carry Alana out and over to Caroline’s room. I sit on the chair with her on my lap. I’m just comforting her while she sobs into my chest. She’s clutching my t-shirt tightly. I can’t say anything. All I can do is sit with her.
“Theon, I don’t know what to do. I can’t feel. I’m numb. I don’t know if I took in what she said to me. All I heard was ‘I’m so sorry’. Then I lost it. Did she say that if they don’t get a liver in the next day or two, Caroline won’t last the week? Was that it in a nutshell?”
I put my finger under her chin to look at me. “It was, Alana. They are putting Caroline on the transplant list. I asked if we could buy a liver...”
She shakes her head. “Theon, that has to be illegal, and there is no way on this earth I can throw money at this anyway? I don’t have money to do that.”
“It’s okay Alana, Dr. Cassidy said no. I also asked if we could pay to put her top of the transplant list, she said the hospital wouldn’t do that. There are too many children in the same boat, waiting for transplants. I just had to try and do something to help Alana. I can’t stand not being able to help. I do have the money to at least try.”
She looks at me, really looks at me “I don’t really know you, do I, Theon? I mean, we talk every day, and I have so many feelings for you, but I don’t actually know you. I never asked you what you do. I’m a terrible person. So wrapped up in myself and what’s going on in my life. I’m so sorry, Theon.”
“Hey, shh, none of that. You are not a terrible person. God, Alana, you are so selfless. All you think about are your children. There is plenty of time for us to get to know each other, and I would love nothing more. I have strong feelings for you too, but we need to see if those feelings are real and not just because of our situation.
“Now, do you think you’re ready to go and sit with Caroline? You know you have to be brave, baby. I understand that and how hard it is. If you need me to sit with her while you phone your sister, then I can do that as Sonia is with Evelina, okay? Ready?” She gets up off of my lap and holds her hand out for me.
“Will you walk up there with me, please?”
I grab her hand. “Of course I will.” I put my arm around her, pulling her to me and that’s how we walk to ICU. I stop at the door the nurse points us to, and I kiss Alana softly on the lips. The feelings I have for her are so strong. She kisses me back. Not a passionate kiss, but a loving, thank you, kiss.
“You know where I am if you need me anytime, okay, baby. If you need a cry, come over to me, if you need a hug, come over to me — if you need anything at all, come over and see me.” I kiss her nose, and I head over to Evelina’s room. Just before I enter, I turn and watch as Alana stands up straight, breathes out a couple of times to compose herself before entering Caroline’s room. God love her. It’s so fucking hard being a parent with a sick child. I never want to be in this position again in my life.
10 Years Earlier
I PHONED ARNOLD from the hospital to let him know I was being discharged. He was coming for me within the hour, after the locksmith finished, and bringing me some clean clothes.
The more I sat in this bed, wallowing, the harder it got again. I couldn’t remember much, but I did remember Dr. Zelda telling me that it was Evelyn being pregnant that eventually killed her, which made it all my fault. How did I tell Arnold and Sonia?
Did I tell them? I can’t do it just yet. I’m still blaming the babies. I know I shouldn’t, but right now, I can’t help it. If it weren’t for them, Evelyn would be here.
I must have dropped back off to sleep, but I wake when I feel a shake to my shoulder. I open my eyes and Arnold is standing there.
“How are you feeling, son?”
Like fucking shit. “Not bad considering. I suppose. Got a banging headache.”
“I have some clothes for you. Are you having a shower first?”
“If you don’t mind waiting, yes. I will be quick.”
“No problem. You go, and I will go and find somewhere to grab a coffee. Do you want one?”
“Yes, please, Arnold, that would be great.” I rush off to the shower rooms down the hall and have the quickest shower of my life. When I get back to the room, Arnold is there with two take-out coffees. I don’t have anything to take with me, so we leave.
We travel in slightly awkward silence until he starts talking about the babies. I knew he would at some point, even though I was hoping that he wouldn’t. I try to stay courteous, but it’s hard.
“Sonia is struggling with the babies, Theon. I know it’s only been two days, but they are hard work. One baby is hard enough but two ... It seems you settle one down and the other one starts, and it goes on like that nonstop.”
Fuck! I knew this would happen. I’m not ready to see them. I can’t, and I don’t know if I ever will. Maybe I need to think about adoption. It’s too much for Sonia and Arnold to take on twins in their retirement. I put my head in my hands, squeezing my eyes shut and rubbing them. I’m sure he looks over at me because his hand comes over and squeezes my arm.
“I’m sorry to push you, son, but we need to talk about this.” I know we do, and I’m not being fair on them. I look up and over at him and nod. What I really want is to get out of this fucking car and run. Run away from everything. Bury my head in the sand as though it never happened. That life never happened. Or better still walk into the ocean and never come back out.
“I was thinking,” I say, looking his way. “We should hire a nanny to look after them. Take the pressure off you and Sonia. It’s not fair to you two. If we hire two nannies, then you can have round the clock care for them.” I look out of my side window. I don’t want to see the disappointment that I know will be on his face because I’m not facing up to my responsibilities. He doesn’t speak, just carries on driving heading for home. We don’t talk all the way. I’m resting my head back with my eyes shut, pretending to sleep. I’m not — the cogs will not switch off. I want a drink when Arnold goes. I want to get the numb feeling back to forget my life. This time, I will stay home though.
We get home, and Arnold heads straight into the kitchen. He stands at the island, sorting out the keys to all the doors in silence, and I can see he’s tense.
“Arnold, I’m sorry, okay. I can’t face them right now. I don’t have any feelings towards them apart from loathing for taking Evelyn from me. I can phone Sonia and ask her to look for a couple of nannies to help. I’m sorry you are both lumbered with them, but until I decide what to do— I mean until I’m in the right frame of mind, I can’t decide what to do with them.”
“What does that mean, Theon? What to do with them? They are babies — you can’t just throw them away because you don’t want them. They are not disposable. They are human beings. Tiny human beings. They need their daddy. They are not going to have a mommy so I’ll be damned if I’ll let you stay away from them too long.”
“It’s my choice, Arnold. If I decide I never want to see them, then I will have them adopted, but it’s my choice and no one else’s.”
“ADOPTED!” he shouts at me. I’ve never heard Arnold shout before. I step back, shocked at first.
“Over my dead body will I ever let you give them babies away like they are nothing. They are not dogs, Theon. You don’t just give babies away. If you don’t want them, then they stay with us. They are the last piece of Evelyn we have, and there is no way on this earth you are giving them away. Do you understand me?” I look at him for a beat. It hits me. They are the last piece of Evelyn that is left. Oh god, what the fuck am I doing? I hang my head in shame for suggesting it.
“I’m sorry, Arnold,” I mumble with my head down. I feel the tears flowing down my cheeks and gathering on my chin until they are big enough to drop to the floor. I wipe my nose with my arm. The next thing I know, I’m in Arnold’s arms, crying. My head is on his shoulder, and he’s stroking my hair with his hand.
“Theon, you have always been like the son I never had. I know this is killing you inside because it’s ripping my heart apart too. I get it. I do. I know you feel your life is not worth living, but when you see the two gorgeous babies that you and Evelyn created out of pure love, you’ll understand. Look at me, son.” I do. “I promise you, your world will swing back onto its correct axis. It will level you out and ground you more. They will never replace Evelyn but believe me when I say you will be smitten with them once you lay your eyes on them. Your daughter is the spitting image of Evelyn when she was born. It tore my heart to see her. I fell in love with both of them the minute I saw them. You will too, son, if you believe in the good that came out of this awful situation. I know you blame them, but, Theon, they are just tiny innocent babies. I’ll be damned, while I live and breathe, they will get to know their amazing father though. Do you hear me?” I just nod. I can’t speak. He hugs me harder now, and I cry more. My head feels like it’s going to explode.
“I will give you a little more time, son. You need the time to grieve, and I will look for a nanny because it is far too much for Sonia and me to cope with. It’s hard enough for us losing Evelyn. Sonia will say she loves it because well, it’s a way of coping with the loss, but I can see just from two days how tired she is.. I’m also sorry, son, but we have Evelyn’s funeral arrangements to sort out, and we need you for that. You’re her next of kin, Theon, and we can’t go ahead with anything without you. We will help you all we can. You’re not on your own.”
Oh, shit I hadn’t even thought of a funeral. I can’t even accept she’s gone. How can I do this and what do I do? Arnold must feel me stiffen up. He pushes me back, so he can look at me.
“Look, Theon, we’ve got to do this. I’m not letting anyone but us sort this out. I want Evelyn to have the best send-off we can give her. You can’t bury your head in the sand, son. Not on this. I will give you the time you need for the babies, but the funeral has to be sorted now.” He’s right. I know he is. Funerals can’t wait.
“Has the coroner or ME signed off on her death yet?”
“I don’t know. They won’t tell us anything even though we’re her parents. You are her next of kin, and it has to be you they give the death certificate to.”
I nod. I have to do this. I grab the phone directory and search for the coroner, then dial the number.
“Hello, yes, my name is Mr. Tourney. Can you let me know if the coroner has signed off on my wife, Evelyn Tourney? I need to know if he has released her body yet, please?” I look at Arnold while I wait for whoever is on the phone to come back to me.
“Ok, yes, I see. Well, I can come down now.” I look to Arnold for confirmation, and he nods yes.
“I can be there in about forty minutes. Okay, thank you.” I hang up the phone.
“I have to go down with mine and Evelyn’s ID, and they will let me know what is happening then. I know you’re right, Arnold. I need to get this done. I need to find some courage, but only on this for now. I will see how it goes after the funeral and how I feel about the babies then.” I reach in my back pocket for my wallet then realize I don’t have it or my driver’s license.
“I don’t have my ID. It was stolen with my wallet. Shit.” I rake my hand over my head forgetting I still have a bandage on, and I catch it and wince.
“Shit!” That hurt.
“You have your passports, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do. I’ll grab them from
the safe. I won’t be a minute.” I head to our home office where the safe is, to retrieve our passports. I open Evelyn’s. It floors me seeing her image there in my hands. I look up and see images of us together all over the wall. Evelyn insisted on a wall of photos of us in the different places we’d visited around the world. I haven’t been in here and seen these since I lost her, and it guts me more. Seeing us together in all the places we visited, how happy we are, were — shit. Arnold comes in to see if I’m okay and sees me standing, staring at the wall, the tears streaming down my face. He stands next to me, and I hear him sniff. This is hard for him as well.
“God, Arnold, look at her. The most beautiful women in the world and she was all mine. I feel we didn’t have long together — nine years, but it wasn’t long enough. It wasn’t a lifetime. We used to say to each other even a lifetime wouldn’t be enough.” I glance at Arnold, and I see the tears trickling down his cheeks as he looks at the pictures, but he’s smiling at them.
“She was the light of my life, Theon. I used to see how happy she was with you and it would make me feel so warm knowing you’d found each other. I never doubted for a minute the love you both had for each other, and I knew you would never hurt her or upset her. I knew you were good for each other. Every time you looked at her, I could see it written all over your face. The love and adoration you had for her. I could see she was your entire life and you would do absolutely anything for her happiness. Let me tell you, that is all a father asks for.
I stare at him in horror ... but it was me that killed her. How did I protect her then? What will he think of me when I tell him? He won’t be calling me son then, will he? God, how am I going to tell him?
The Best Day of My Life Page 18
