Five Little Words

by Jackie Walsh

Tears come to my eyes. I want to believe him. I want it to be true but something doesn’t feel right. The card still haunts me. I have to stop thinking about it.

  ‘And you?’ he mumbles, stuffing a forkful of food in his mouth.

  ‘I’m in heaven, Conor. I love you. I love Shay. We’re all together. I love my life.’

  Conor smiles. ‘Good. Now eat some more.’

  My thoughts are in a twist. Should I tell him about the card? Spoil his happiness? It’s not often I see Conor worrying or stressing out about something and I don’t want it to end.

  The brewery takes all his time, and the fact that it’s a family business means that everyone turns to him to solve problems. I’ve suggested to him that he might want to think about sharing the workload, employing a director or something, so he can relax a bit. He can certainly afford it.

  Conor wasn’t having any of it, saying he didn’t trust anyone else to make the right decisions for the business. I sometimes wonder about that, why he has to feel in complete control of the place? It’s just his job. Or is it? Half the village relies on the brewery doing well. That’s a lot of pressure for one guy. Especially someone so young, who was thrown in the deep end when his father died. I only ever took a job to pay the bills so I don’t understand the pressure he’s under.

  ‘What time is the nurse calling at?’ he asks.

  ‘What nurse?’

  ‘The community nurse. The hospital said she’d call in to you this afternoon to check on you and Shay.’

  ‘Oh yes. I don’t know what day of the week it is anymore. I better take a shower… will you stay with Shay?’

  Crikey. I don’t remember the hospital saying that. Thank God Conor was paying attention. Those pills must be stronger than I thought. Now I’m beginning to doubt if I read those words in that card.

  * * *

  Two hours pass. I think I’ve changed Shay’s nappy about five times just to make sure it isn’t dirty when she arrives. What sort of a mother would she take me for? I hope she thinks I’m doing a good job and that Shay is safe with me. The last thing I want is for her to be checking up on me all the time. One wrong move in front of her and that’s what could happen.

  Conor is in his office off the hallway when the doorbell rings. There’s a bit of muttering before they both walk into the kitchen.

  Nurse Elaine immediately walks over to me and takes my hand, placing her other hand on top of it and introducing herself. She has a nice smile. I’m immediately relaxed.

  ‘Well, you look good,’ she says. ‘How is Mammy doing?’

  ‘Mammy’s great,’ I say. ‘Though she’ll be a lot better when these stitches dissolve.’

  Elaine laughs. ‘I know. They really are painful but you’ll notice an improvement as each day goes by.’

  Moving over to the baby, Elaine dotes on him for a bit before removing his baby-grow and checking he’s still in one piece. ‘Did he arrive on time or did he keep his mammy waiting?

  ‘He was early actually, by almost two weeks.’

  ‘Well he’s definitely not suffering from it.’ I smile at her words. I’d been worried my rushing around, refusing to relax had brought on the early labour.

  ‘You’re doing a great job, Laura,’ she says, to my relief. ‘Keep up the good work.’ Happy with my A-plus, I dress Shay and put him back in the crib.

  Conor is sitting on the sofa. I wish he’d go back to his office and leave me on my own with the nurse now. I don’t want him listening to every word. He doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of everything my body is going through. What to do with the leaking boobs. How to make it less painful to go to the toilet. This is nothing to do with him, so I casually suggest he go back to the office if he has things to do.

  ‘I can take it from here.’ I say.

  Conor takes the hint and leaves.

  When all the regular stuff is covered by the nurse, she picks up her folder and stands.

  ‘Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?’

  ‘Er…’

  ‘Anything at all, Laura?’

  ‘Well, there is something.’

  Elaine sits back down. ‘Go ahead.’

  I don’t know whether to say what I want to. If she thinks I’m going mad she’ll be knocking down that door every day. But I need to know. I have to ask her.

  ‘The drugs they use…’

  ‘The drugs they use where?’ she says, shifting forward in her chair.

  ‘When someone is giving birth to their baby, the painkillers, the gas… all that stuff.’

  ‘What about it?’

  I take a deep breath before looking her in the eye.

  ‘Can they make you hallucinate?’

  Elaine moves her back into the chair and straightens her neck. ‘Can they make you hallucinate?’

  ‘Yes, like say… a day later.’

  Her eyes have changed expression. Elaine does think I’m mad.

  ‘Are you having hallucinations, Laura?’

  Looking away from her gaze, I consider what to say next. I’m sorry I opened my mouth, now that I’ve seen her expression. I’d better play this down. I don’t want her thinking I’m going mad, or have postnatal depression or something. Christ, what if she thinks I’m unstable? That Shay isn’t safe in my care?

  ‘No… I don’t think so. I just need to know if the drugs can do that,’ I say, trying to sound nonchalant.

  Shaking her head, Elaine sighs. ‘Well I’ve never heard of that happening and no one’s ever asked me that before.’ Her hand is now on my knee. ‘People forget things alright but that’s the exhaustion. Seeing things—’ She stops short. ‘Laura, I’ll check it out for you, but I’m almost certain the answer will be no. I can’t imagine we’d be giving mothers drugs that would make them hallucinate. Do you know what drugs you were given?’

  ‘No, but…’ I point at the file leaning against her bag. ‘Won’t it be written in there somewhere?’

  ‘Actually, I don’t have your correct file yet. The internet is very poor in the clinic and it didn’t arrive in time.’ She nods at the folder. ‘That’s just a few notes I’ve taken… When your details arrive, I’ll update them and check out what drugs you were given. Meanwhile, if you think you’re having hallucinations, Laura, call the doctor. Don’t suffer in silence. Us women are great at that, thinking we can handle everything on our own. Don’t do that to yourself, get help.’

  Shit. Now I’ve opened a can of worms. She’ll probably put it in the file that I was hallucinating. I’d better fix this.

  ‘It’s no big deal, Elaine. I was just wondering because I lost something that I thought I had and I guess the tiredness just made me a bit paranoid. Forget about it.’

  Shay whimpers. Picking him up, I cradle him close to me and walk Elaine to the door. Conor comes out of the office to say goodbye.

  ‘I’ll be back in a few days but if you need me in the meantime, just call,’ she says, giving me a secret wink so Conor can’t see. If that’s supposed to make me feel better about asking her the question, it doesn’t. In fact, it makes me anxious. What have I started? What if she goes poking around and… what if they take Shay from me?

  Chapter Eight

  There is only one star tonight. One bright star shining down on me as I lie staring at the sky and all its questions. Apparently my father is up there. I don’t remember him. I was very young when he died. Mam showed us some photos of him in a dark overcoat crossing the bridge on O’Connell Street. He had a lovely smile and dark curly hair. Mam said that’s where I got my dark curly hair and green eyes from. Amanda’s hair is fair, just like mam’s.

  I remember my mam having a fit when Amanda wanted highlights in her hair for her confirmation day. Amanda insisted she was old enough but mam didn’t give in. She was strong like that. She had to be, raising the two of us on her own. It’s not like she had a sister of her own to help. Mam was an only child. She told us that when dad died, his family were great for the first few years, always calling to the ho
use, making sure she was okay, that we were okay. But over the years that fizzled out until we only saw them at Christmas. Mam never complained about it. She said they had their own lives and worries to contend with.

  * * *

  The room is warm. By my side, Conor sleeps with his legs out over the duvet. He doesn’t snore. Not even after a few pints in the club – which he only ever goes for after a match. I’ve only known him a little over a year and so far he’s perfect. Just perfect. If he knew how imperfect I was would I be lying here now?

  Amanda was in a restaurant with some clients when I called her earlier so I didn’t tell her about the card. That conversation is going to need her full concentration. I asked her to ring me tomorrow when she had time to talk.

  The clock at my bedside says it’s two fifteen. Shay will wake soon and this time I’ll be ready. I’ll take him to the armchair, cuddle him close and feed him before he wakes his daddy. Conor deserves a decent sleep. He’s done almost everything so far: the cooking, the shopping, the midnight feed, the nappy changes – which I now feel safe leaving him to do on his own. He’s also kept my spirits high, smiling and laughing, constantly talking about Shay and how lucky he is to have us both.

  There is a lot of fear floating on the surface of my thoughts tonight. Have I misled this man? Should I have told him? Yes, and yes. But I was scared of how he’d react. Afraid he would leave me and then I’d be stuck in that stupid apartment, with a new tenant in the spare room every year, going nowhere with a broken heart.

  I loved him when we met. I still love him and, as Amanda pointed out, I deserved a break. A new start. Some happiness for a change.

  The smallest gurgle ripples from the corner of the room. Shay is stirring. Pulling my feet from under the duvet, I stretch my arms in the air, then walk quietly over to the cot.

  ‘Hello, baby,’ I whisper. He’s staring up at me, wriggling below the soft white blanket that one of Maggie’s friends knitted for us. I’m very grateful for all the gifts that we’ve been given. The surprise baby shower that Amanda arranged brought more than enough clothes, blankets and bottles to keep us going. I was amazed by everyone’s kindness. Not so much for the stuff, more that they had come to the party. For a while, I felt accepted into their circle.

  The party went on for hours, everyone playing silly games and everyone except me drinking prosecco. I didn’t drink of course, though I would have loved a glass before everyone arrived to calm my nerves. There were almost thirty people here. I’d never met some of them before but they knew Conor. Amanda had contacted Olive to invite everyone she thought might like to come. Amanda said Olive was very obliging and seemed happy to help. Which makes me wonder about her motives. Why was she so helpful? It should have been painful for Olive, considering she probably presumed she’d be the one with the bump. After dating Conor for five years she had to have felt hard done by when he dumped her to go out with me. And yet, she still works for him. His right hand apparently when it comes to the business. Going into the office and seeing him everyday must have been hard after the breakup. But she did it. Still does it. I hope she hasn’t been biding her time waiting for her opportunity to exact revenge. Could Olive have sent the card? When I first heard Conor’s ex worked so close to him, I wasn’t happy about it but Conor assured me what they had wasn’t love. He realized that when he met me. Olive is more like a sister to him now. I wonder if she feels the same way?

  If Maggie is to be believed, Olive wasn’t the only one who would have liked to marry Conor. As far as Maggie’s concerned the whole village was interested in him. And there they were. All gathered in my house to check out the winner. I’m sure some of them thought I got myself pregnant to trap Conor.

  I place the bottle into the warmer and lift Shay into my arms. He smells like hope.

  When he’s had enough, I change him and place him back in the crib, where he immediately falls back asleep. He’s such a good baby.

  Back in the bed, I pull the duvet tight around my neck and close my eyes. It takes a while but eventually I fall asleep, only to be abruptly woken to the sound of Conor’s phone beeping. Lying still, I listen to him rummaging at my side.

  ‘Is everything okay?’ I say in a quiet voice.

  ‘Yes, it’s just the alarm down at the brewery. You go back asleep, I won’t be long.’

  Conor pulls on a tracksuit and leaves the room. I stare up at the lonesome star, wondering why the hell he doesn’t get the brewery alarm fixed. That’s not the first time it’s gone off in the middle of the night and Conor is always the one who has to leave his bed and go and sort it out.

  The sound of Conor’s car echoes in the silence. It took a while for me to get used to the quiet. The bliss of isolation. In the city, cars passed my window all night long and at the weekend, drunk fools joined them. That’s one thing I don’t miss. But I do miss the convenience of everything. The shops. The cinema. The gym. Everything was within walking distance, including my job. Now I have to make sure I don’t need anything after eight p.m. or I’ll have to drive to the next town which is almost fifteen minutes each way.

  I also miss the fact that you could be anonymous in the city. Living peacefully amongst the big crowds with no one knowing who you were. Everyone in this village knows everyone else’s business. They make it look like they’re all one big happy family who would do anything for one another. But there are secrets here. Lurking behind the smiles and expensive clothes. Vicky Murphy’s death proves that. Stabbed with her own knife and left to bleed to death on the floor of her apartment while the perfect little village slept.

  And now, someone wants to bring that to my doorstep. To destroy my happiness. And the only person I can talk to about it is Amanda. She’ll help me decide what to do. Amanda has been with me through all my ups and downs, stood by me when no one else believed me. What will she make of this? More trouble. There are times I think it searches me out. No matter what I do, something bad has to happen to spoil it. To bring me down and keep me in my place.

  Chapter Nine

  I thought I’d be all glamourous and shiny when Amanda arrived: makeup covering my pale face, my hair blow-dried, fully dressed for the day and a Jo Malone scent leaving a trail as I walked down the hall. But no, not to be. Instead, I’m still in my nightclothes. My hair is hanging limply over my pale face. The only smell in the air is baby puke. Amanda called first thing this morning to say she had the morning off work so she’d pop down for a couple of hours to see her little nephew.

  Shay has been crying since he woke up at six a.m. and no matter what I do, he won’t stop howling unless I’m rocking him in my arms. I knew it was all too good to be true. Babies are supposed to cry. They’re supposed to make everything you thought you were going to get done that day a distant dream. Conor had to run to the bank first thing so he couldn’t even mind him to let me have a shower. Thank God it’s only Amanda calling.

  Her little two-tone Mini comes up the driveway and I can already feel myself relax. Moving to the hall door, I open it and wave. Amanda pulls up outside the house. She’s a good bit smaller than me and skinny as a broom handle. Her smile reaches from ear to ear as she steps out of the car and runs up the steps to me.

  ‘You look like crap,’ she says, hugging me, careful not to squeeze Shay in the process.

  ‘And you smell even worse.’

  ‘Thanks. You look great.’

  She laughs, moving her attention to Shay.

  ‘Hi sweetheart… oh Laura, he is so beautiful.’

  ‘I know, he’s the best… aren’t you Shay?’ I say, smiling down at him.

  Amanda closes the door as we both walk down the hallway.

  ‘Is Conor here?’

  ‘No, he had to go out. I hope he’ll be back soon, I feel like I’ve been in these clothes for a week. I need to take a shower.’

  Amanda puts her arms out. ‘Here, I’ll take him.’

  ‘I’m not sure he’ll…’ but when I place him in Amanda’s arms he doesn’t object,
no screaming to get back into my arms. He looks comfortable and happy. Go Laura, Go. Rushing out of the room, I glance back to make sure it wasn’t a trick he was playing on me, but he still looks content in Aunty Amanda’s arms.

  ‘I’ll be quick.’ I call out.

  ‘Take your time.’

  * * *

  The hot steam soothes my tired body. With my eyes closed, I lift my face into the gushing water and relax. I’m happy Amanda is easy with Shay. She’s great with Conor too. Always laughing and sharing jokes. They both get on like a house on fire.

  Amanda was so happy for me when I first met Conor. She liked him, thought he was perfect for me. Of course when she saw the big house and realised I was dating gold, she was even happier. ‘No one deserves it more,’ she’d said, trying to get me to move on and enjoy what I had, instead of always waiting for the balloon to burst.

  I feel so much better now. It’s amazing what a shower can do. I ease myself into a pair of jeans and pick a blueprint shirt from the wardrobe. My hair is tied back, and I dab a little bit of makeup on my pale face. Seeing Amanda groomed to perfection reminds me of what Conor is looking at every day in work. I better keep up.

  When I walk into the kitchen, I find Amanda sitting at the counter, flicking through a magazine, my heart skips a beat.

  ‘Where is he?’ I say.

  ‘Relax, Mammy. He’s in the crib fast asleep.’

  I hurry to the crib and place my hand on his chest to feel his tiny lungs expand. My shoulders slump with relief on feeling the movement. From the other side of the room, Amanda watches me.

  ‘Are you alright, Laura?’

  ‘Yes, sorry, just panicked a bit.’

  Sliding off the high stool, she walks over, looking into the crib before turning her attention to me.

  ‘Everything is going to be okay, you know,’ Amanda says, her beautiful blue eyes focused on mine. ‘You need to let go of the past, Laura. Things will be fine.’ She holds my stare for a moment longer before her concerned face brightens with a smile. ‘C’mon, let’s have a coffee, tell me everything.’