Wrong Side of Forty

by Jana DeLeon

  Even though it wasn’t noon yet, Halcyon looked somewhat disappointed.

  “You don’t think there’s an, uh, hereditary component to this, do you?” Halcyon asked.

  “Of course,” Marina said. “That’s what I’ve been telling you.”

  “I don’t mean the whole Aphrodite thing. I was talking about your mother.”

  Marina blinked. “You think I’m crazy?”

  “Honey, you know I love you and if you really believe this and want to go on some scavenger hunt for a magical ring, then you know I’m in with whatever. It’s not like I have lines in the sand about anything except underwire bras and getting married again. But you’ve got to realize how this sounds.”

  “Alexios said getting people to believe him was always the hardest part.”

  “His wardrobe isn’t helping matters.”

  “He’s not wearing the purple jeans anymore. I told him he wouldn’t blend here.”

  “So he’s dressed more appropriately, but he’s still pitching this outlandish tale.”

  “Yes, but what about the money in my bank account? I am positive it wasn’t there before. It’s not like I’d forget about ten thousand dollars I had sitting around. And look at my hair and my skin. I didn’t even put on moisturizer last night and I haven’t had a dye bottle near my head in months. And I certainly didn’t spend my night putting in extensions.”

  Halcyon stepped closer to Marina and scrutinized her face. Marina could tell her sister was confused. On the one hand, there was absolutely no way Marina could have gone through a procedure to get her skin to that state—if a procedure even existed that would accomplish it. And definitely no way she’d gotten it done and recovered overnight. But still, it was a lot to take in.

  Unfortunately, Marina didn’t have a lot of time. She needed Halcyon on board quickly. Her sister would help her no matter what, but if Halcyon believed, then her focus would be greater. And once Halcyon was focused, she was like a dog with a bone. Marina needed some of that spirit right now.

  “Does it work on other people?” Halcyon asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You said you touched your face and the next morning it was beautiful again. So if you touched my face, would the same thing happen?”

  “I don’t know. Alexios didn’t say anything like that and surely he would have mentioned it.”

  “Maybe he doesn’t know. Maybe the others before you were too egotistical to try to help someone else.”

  “I suppose that’s possible. Do you want me to rub your face?”

  “Why not?”

  “Okay, but take off your makeup first.”

  Halcyon headed to the bathroom for makeup wipes and came back looking several years older. Something Marina wasn’t about to mention. Apparently, they’d both inherited their father’s bags and dark circles. Marina had always thought his were due to being perpetually drunk, but she and Halcyon both had the same thing, no matter what they drank or how long they slept. Maybe there was more to this DNA stuff than people knew.

  Marina reached up and swiped her finger under her sister’s eyes. “Let’s start with something small and that will be the easiest to see a change. Let me get a pic.”

  She grabbed her cell phone and took pictures of the offending dark puffy circles.

  “How long will it take?” Halcyon asked. “Do I have to wait until tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know. I always messed with my face and hair at night, so when I woke up, the changes were there. Maybe sleeping activates it. Or maybe it’s just time. It’s not like there’s an operating manual for this.”

  “No worries. So let’s assume I believe all of this—what do you need from me?”

  “I need help finding the ring. You’ve been reading Nancy Drew and Agatha Christie since third grade. Surely you have some ideas on how to go about this. I can’t even locate a missing sock from the dryer.”

  “That’s true, and I do love a puzzle.”

  “Okay. So I bought cinnamon rolls from the bakery before I went into work and I have a stash of Hawaiian coffee.”

  “Jesus, why have you been holding out? I’d commit murder for a bakery cinnamon roll.”

  Marina put the coffee on to brew and pulled out the cinnamon rolls, which were still warm. “So how do we start?”

  Halcyon took a bite of one of the rolls and sighed with pleasure. “We start with what we know.”

  “Which is basically nothing.”

  “Not true. We know a little. We know that no one has found it before you, so either they all sucked, or didn’t try, or the ring is elusive. I’m going to bet it was a combination of all three. Then there’s Alexios’s theory that the ring will be located near the—what did he call you—the Seeker?”

  “But that doesn’t make sense. How can it relocate without people noticing a ring appearing?”

  “Money appeared in your bank account and no one noticed. But it might be simpler than that. Let’s say the ring gravitates toward those from Aphrodite’s bloodline. What’s the easiest way for a ring to move around?”

  “On a finger.”

  Halcyon sighed. “You are really bad at this.”

  “We’ve already established that.”

  “Okay, so here’s my thinking. Unless the ring can change its appearance, then it looks like it did when this metalworking god made it. So that means old.”

  “Like an heirloom! That makes total sense. So nothing that looks modern. A collector’s piece.”

  “Exactly. Although that presents a few problems.”

  “Yeah, the breaking-and-entering kind of problems,” Marina said.

  “Here’s an idea—why can’t we just have this Alexios walk through a locked door and steal the ring after we locate it?”

  “Because he can’t see it, remember?”

  “Oh, right. I bet it really chaps their godlike asses to have to depend on us lowly humans.”

  “Probably, but it wouldn’t be polite to point it out.”

  “You know me—I’m all about being polite. So we’re back to potential breaking-and-entering charges.”

  Marina nodded. “Not to mention grand theft if the ring is worth a lot by our standards. I don’t know if Alexios can make an arrest go away. And that’s assuming we’d steal from people anyway.”

  “If the world is really going to end, I don’t think we have a choice. And I’m sure something could be done if we were caught, but it sounds like the boss is a hothead, so we might not like his take on things. It’s probably better if we don’t get caught.”

  “That sounds good in theory but we’re talking about me here. In forty-eight years, I’ve never even managed to walk around the edge of the fountain downtown without falling in. Do you really think I can climb in windows and sneak around dark houses without someone noticing?”

  “So you were a clumsy kid. That can change.”

  “I fell in it three months ago.”

  Halcyon stared. “Why were you walking around the fountain three months ago?”

  “I don’t know. Because I keep thinking this time will be different? I usually manage to dunk myself once a year.”

  “I do not understand this town. I know that Old Lady Richard woke up this morning with a blister on her heel from her new shoes, but I don’t hear about you flinging yourself into the fountain every year.”

  “I do it in the middle of the night.”

  “Sometimes you surprise me. Maybe there’s a sense of adventure in you after all. If so, we’re going to pull it out, even if it’s kicking and screaming.”

  “Even if it means falling in a fountain?”

  “As long as I’m wearing cotton, we’re good.”

  “Black cotton if we’re planning on cat-burgling on the regular.”

  “The upside is most people in Last Chance don’t have alarms. The downside is most do have dogs and guns.”

  “You’ll have a sneezing fit and blow our cover.”

  “I’ll take Benadryl an
d wear a mask. We should both wear masks. I’ll order some off Amazon. Not like we’re going to find ski masks in south Louisiana.”

  “Okay, so we get ski masks and then what—start roaming through people’s houses every night? Do we go alphabetically? By street would probably be more efficient. But what about everyone who lives out in the bayou? We’ve only got a week and we can’t exactly stroll around in black ski masks during the day.”

  “You’re overthinking this. We can eliminate a lot of people simply because some wouldn’t have an heirloom. Take Six-Pack Steve, for example. If he had anything of value, he would have already sold it for beer.”

  “So add pawnshops to the list.”

  “Definitely. So I guess the first thing we need to do is ask this Alexios what the ring looks like.”

  “Oh yeah, right! I can text him.”

  “Let me have another cinnamon roll first. Those skinny guys are the worst. They can pack away more than any two regular guys.”

  Marina nodded and passed the box of baked goods. And that’s when she realized that the circles under Halcyon’s eyes were lighter. She grabbed her phone and clicked a picture, blinding Halcyon with the flash.

  “A little warning, please!” Halcyon complained. “Now I can’t even see to find the cinnamon roll.”

  “Blink a few times.” Marina scrolled back and forth between the before and after photos, to make sure she wasn’t seeing things, but the evidence was right there. Halcyon’s bags were disappearing.

  “Look!” Marina turned her phone to show Halcyon the pic.

  Halcyon winced. “Good Lord. That’s worse than I thought.”

  “It was. But look at it now.”

  Halcyon blinked a couple times and leaned forward, studying the photo, then flipped the images back and forth. Finally, she jumped off her stool and ran into the bathroom.

  “Holy shit!” she yelled. “You’re right. The circles are fading and the skin isn’t as puffy. That’s amazing.”

  She came back into the kitchen, shaking her head in disbelief. “I didn’t want to believe you. Not about any of this. I mean, I wanted to believe you but it was too far out there. Then my face changes in a matter of thirty minutes and all you did was touch it.”

  “It’s kinda overwhelming.”

  “It’s awesome!” Halcyon grabbed her by the shoulders. “Can you put my boobs back up where they used to be? Because that would be some magic I’d be seriously interested in. Hell, if you can do that, you could open your own shop and become a billionaire. You’d have to look at more boobs than a straight woman ever wants to see, but still.”

  “I don’t think I can lift body parts except with my hands, and I’m pretty sure no one is going to pay me to do that.”

  “You’d be surprised.” Halcyon scrunched her brow. “What about hot flashes? Can you make them go away? Or whip up a cold front?”

  “If I could do that I wouldn’t be standing here sweating and wearing only a tank top.”

  “I thought you’d taken a shower before I got here and didn’t bother drying before answering the door.”

  “No. I stripped off my bra as soon as I got in the car, but the rest of it came off when hellfire and brimstone converged on me while getting the coffeepot set up. I thought I was going to spontaneously combust. I stood in front of the refrigerator so long I’m afraid my lunch meat spoiled.”

  “So you can’t solve the world’s biggest problems, but you can give people a facelift and find magical objects. Hey, maybe the ring can lift boobs.”

  “It sounds like a bit of a stretch. Besides, if we find the ring and these gods come through on their promise, then I’ll have a million dollars. We could lift our boobs up to our chins with that kind of money.”

  Halcyon shook her head. “Have you seen what they do? They cut your nipples off! I looked it up online, thinking it can’t be that bad and I’d really love to wear a tank without a bra again—outside of the house, I mean. Horror story! I couldn’t eat for two days.”

  “Oh my God. That’s awful. Custom-made tanks then. Even if they weren’t good enough for public consumption, I’d be happy just to not roll over on one while I was sleeping.”

  “Deal. Okay, so we have a sort of plan. Do you want to call this Alexios? I’m dying to meet him.”

  Marina reached for her phone and Halcyon grabbed her arm.

  “Aren’t you forgetting something?” her sister asked.

  Marina stared, confused.

  “Pants,” Halcyon said. “Unless you’ve undergone a complete personality change, I’m assuming you don’t want to talk to a man wearing a tank and your underwear. Especially that underwear. Basic cotton is not a sexy look.”

  “Alexios swings the other way.”

  “Interesting. Then he’s probably got on better underwear than you. I still recommend pants.”

  “Of course I’m going to put on pants. I just forgot.”

  “Maybe a sports bra!” Halcyon yelled as she hurried into the bedroom.

  Marina pulled on a sports bra, then grabbed the first pair of capris she could find in a clothes box, which left her wearing a bright red tank and turquoise pants. At least all the important—or potentially embarrassing—things were covered.

  She sent Alexios a text as she was exiting the bedroom and seconds later, he walked into the cabin. He gave her an up-and-down look and his nose twitched a bit, but he wisely kept his mouth shut.

  “Are those cinnamon rolls?” he asked.

  “Yes,” Marina said. “Do you want one?”

  “More than life itself,” Alexios said and leaned over the box before inhaling. “But I’m doing keto.”

  “Were you lurking on the porch?” Halcyon asked.

  “There’s this condo thing,” Marina said. “I’ll explain later. Anyway, Alexios, this is my sister, Halcyon. I’ve brought her in as a consultant of sorts.”

  “More like a partner in crime given the situation,” Halcyon said.

  “What do you mean?” Alexios asked.

  Marina explained their theory about how to find the ring and the potential legal fallout that could arise. He nodded.

  “Yes, the laws of your world are often a hindrance to our business here. Humans seem to cling to rule-following.”

  “Have you ever popped out of that condo and into a prison?” Halcyon asked. “There’s a reason we cling.”

  “Anyway,” Marina said. “We’re going to be careful, but there’s a possibility of trouble. I was hoping you had a way to handle anything that might crop up on that end.”

  “I’m sure I could figure something out if needed,” he said. “If I can’t, my boss would be willing to help.”

  “He’ll just strike everyone with lightning,” Marina said. “The point of looking for the ring is to avoid the apocalypse. I don’t want a small one right here in Last Chance.”

  Halcyon raised her hand. “But if he was interested in a mini apocalypse, I could provide a short list. Well, maybe not too short.”

  “Zeus would like you,” Alexios said. “Your theory about the ring being an heirloom is interesting and something I hadn’t considered.”

  “What we need to know is what it looks like,” Marina said.

  He nodded. “I can show you the original design, of course. But we believe that Drakos disguised the objects as he sent them to earth. We tried the usual things with an actual rendering—posted signs with big rewards, even got it onto television once—but we never got so much as a thin lead.”

  “Crap,” Marina said. “Nothing like making things more difficult.”

  “If it was easy, we wouldn’t be talking,” Alexios said. “I’d be happily wearing my purple jeans somewhere that I wasn’t judged for such fashion choices, and you would be dealing with your personal problems without the benefit of an extra ten thousand dollars in your bank account.”

  “Touché,” Marina said. “Okay. Well, show us the original. It could be that some things about it remained the same.”

 
“Almost certainly so,” Alexios agreed. “Aphrodite’s blood was woven into the gemstone, so that’s the most likely commonality you’ll fine. And, of course, the quality of the silver would be the same, but that’s not as easy to test.”

  He pulled out his cell phone and accessed photos.

  “Really?” Halcyon said. “You can’t just conjure up a hologram? Even Iron Man can do that.”

  “Sometimes streaming service doesn’t work all that great from our world, so we ditched holograms in favor of your phone system,” Alexios said. He turned the phone around and they both leaned in to look.

  The ring was beautiful, but then Marina hadn’t expected anything less from a piece of jewelry made by a god. The silver was fashioned into tiny threads, wrapped around one another like vines, that formed the band. In the center was a single huge ruby, the color so bright and clear that it looked as if it had a light in it.

  “Wow,” Halcyon said. “That’s seriously pretty. I don’t suppose Hephaestus takes commissions. I’ve got a couple wedding rings I’d like to do something with.”

  Alexios frowned. “I’m certain that falls outside of his normal fare.”

  “It wouldn’t have to be magical or anything,” Halcyon said. “And I’d really prefer it if no one bled on it.”

  “It’s still a no,” Alexios said, then looked at Marina. “I’ll text this photo to you along with the specifications for the ruby and the silver.”

  “Thanks,” Marina said, but she was feeling far less optimistic now that they’d talked to Alexios.

  “You look disheartened,” Alexios said. “Please don’t give up so soon.”

  “I’m not giving up,” Marina said. “I’m just trying to figure out how I’m supposed to find something when I don’t know what it looks like.”

  “We believe that when you see the object, you’ll know,” Alexios said. “Hephaestus thinks you might even feel the pull of the ring when you’re near.”

  “This one thinks. That one believes,” Halcyon said. “After all this time, you don’t know crap, do you?”

  Alexios straightened, looking mildly insulted. “Magic is a difficult thing to pin down, especially when we all have different abilities. There’s no historical consistency to draw from. Drakos was gifted in the art of deception, and that came through in his ability to make objects appear differently than they were. No one else has had a similar ability and with Drakos dead, we can’t exactly ask him how it works.”