by TJ Fox
Sitting and waiting is driving me nuts. I get up and resume my pacing, still not willing to leave B alone. Besides, they are supposed to be coming soon to do whatever tests need to be done. He is going to need me here for that, and I promised I wouldn’t leave him.
The door slides open again, letting Rae lean into the partially open space, but she doesn’t come all the way in.
She looks a little hesitant. “Honey, I ran into another potential question you are gonna want answers to.” She pauses before pushing the door the rest of the way open to show Riff and Simone standing there looking about as lost as I feel.
I look back and forth between them and Rae with an increasingly sinking feeling in my gut.
“Hey. Are you two okay? Why don’t you come on in?”
They both come in past Rae but look like they don’t know what to do or where to go once they are in the room. Riff’s expression is shifting, like he can’t decide if he is pissed at the world, stunned or scared. Simone just looks sad and lost.
Simone surprises me by being the one to answer. “If you mean okay that everything is cool right now, then no. We are not okay. Dylan said he had some papers to fill out, so they could take care of B-Rad… that he’s really sick. He left us in the waiting room to go do that, but he didn’t come back.” Tears are starting to run down her face.
“We sat out there for over an hour before Rae saw us sitting there and asked if we were waiting to be seen or waiting on someone. We told her about Dylan and B-Rad, and she brought us back here. Where is Dylan? Why are we here? What’s wrong with B-Rad? And why are you still here?” By the time she gets to the end, her calm is slipping, and her fear is rising along with her voice.
I shake my head. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m going to find out, okay?”
I hadn’t noticed Rae step out, but she’s back with a couple of nurses dragging in a few more chairs. Her return stops Simone from asking any more questions for now. She isn’t the only one with questions.
“I got a couple more chairs for you kids. It’s late, but your brother is gonna want you here when he wakes up again, so go on and have a seat. You may be here awhile.” Rae turns to the other nurses. “Thanks, you two, it was good of you to help.”
She turns back to me. “Teri, I have talked to the hospital social worker. She will be by to talk to you as soon as she gets free.”
“Thanks, Rae.” I look over at her at a loss for words. Her face holds a wealth of emotions. I’m doing my best to not let my confusion or concern show because I don’t want Simone or Riff to get stressed.
“Of course, dear. I’m going to go see how long before they are ready to do the tests and update the social worker.” She turns to leave, then pauses and turns back to the kids. “Simone and Riff, right? Why don’t you come with me and let Teri finish some paperwork? I’ll take you to the cafeteria to get you a drink, and we can bring Teri back something. She’s been here for hours. We can do that and get back before your brother wakes up. Sound good?”
The kids look to me, but don’t balk, letting Rae lead them from the room. I’m grateful to her for giving me the time and the space to sort through all this new information and finish going through the envelope without the kids here.
The loose paper is just a list of names and numbers, many of those matching the business cards. The smaller envelope has my name scrawled across the front. The knot forming in my gut just keeps getting tighter, and I am afraid of what I might find.
I don’t want to open it. I have the urge to burn it and run from the room and never look back, but I can’t do that. There may be answers in there and as messed up as everything seems, I won’t let fear control me. I’d never be able to look at myself in the mirror if I did.
My gut is telling me that opening it will push me around a corner I never even saw coming, but not opening it won’t change whatever is going on. There is no turning back either way. Hell, I’d probably already been on a collision course to hit this point weeks ago when I first met Dylan. I take a deep breath and open the envelope.
Teri,
I am pretty sure that you are confused and angry with me. Hell, you probably even hate me at the moment. I don’t blame you. I would too.
There is a lot you need to know, and I don’t have a lot of time to get this written, so there is contact information for my lawyer, along with a few other people, in the large envelope you should have been given. He should be able to answer your questions.
The most important thing you need to understand is that I didn’t want this. If life were fair and circumstances were different, I never would have been forced to make these choices. You would never be reading this letter and life would be good. But life isn’t fair, and it isn’t good. I’ve learned the hard way that it’s mostly shit with a few rays of sunshine buried deep if you look hard enough, but I am trying to do the best I can with what I’ve been given.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I know it’s the right thing. For me. For Riff, Simone and B-Rad. Maybe, I hope, even for you. I have spent almost all of the last two years searching for you. Not you specifically, but someone like you.
About 3 months after our mom died, doctors found a tumor in my brain. I’d ignored a lot of symptoms because of all that was going on with mom at the time and just… life. The doctors don’t think it would have mattered much in the long run anyway, the prognosis was always going to be the same. I wasn’t going to live longer than two or two and a half years tops.
Like I said, unfair and shit. We had all just watched our mother suffer years of chemo, surgery, and treatments for breast cancer and, eventually, gradually losing all the things she loved except us. Even in the end she didn’t have much of us left because she wasn’t even really aware anymore. Just when we thought we’d made it through the worst life could toss our way, I find out that life isn’t done yet and those three will have to watch another piece of their world crumble and die right before their eyes.
Sitting in that office, listening to the doctors talk about surgery and treatment and life expectancy, I knew I wasn’t going to do that to my brothers and sister. I needed to give them something solid and strong to hold onto when I was gone. I needed to give them more of the sunshine than the shit, if I could. That meant keeping them out of foster care and together at all costs because they are all that is left.
None of us have the same father and none of them are in the picture. So, there is no one else to care for them.
The only way I could think of to keep them together was to find someone who could possibly love them even a fraction of the amount that I do. I needed someone strong enough to help hold them together when their world started to fall apart again. I needed someone who could deal with their quirks, crazy sense of humor and the constant curveballs those kids will always throw that person’s way. That someone also needed to be soft enough to give them a place to land when they fell, because they will fall.
I believe that someone is you. Only someone I trusted with my heart could ever be trusted with all the pieces of my soul, and those kids are my everything. You are exactly the kind of person I hoped to find. In looking for someone to love those kids, I think I found someone I could love a little bit, too. There is still a chance that I’m wrong, but my heart says I’m not.
It took me way longer than I hoped to find you, though. I’d hoped for time for you to get to know each other, a chance for you to fall in love with them before things changed, but time, being the unfair bitch that it is, took that away from me, too. The headaches have gotten too bad for any kind of pain relief, and too many other things are starting to slip, so time’s up for me. It’s now or never.
When things started moving so quickly, I thought I had failed. When B-Rad got sick tonight, I only thought to see how well you did with him, but he ended up in the hospital. It kills me to not be there, but I believe, in some weird twisted way that this
whole thing has my mom’s hand in it telling me now is the time.
My doctor’s information is in the envelope and you have permission to access my records. My lawyer has additional paperwork and information that you are going to need.
Now the hard part. I won’t be back. I am choosing to not suffer through to the end of this. I know it’s going to get ugly fast. I refuse to allow those three beautiful minds to be warped even more than they already are by watching yet another member of their tiny family disappear piece by piece. I love them too much to make them suffer through that again. It means not telling them goodbye and I hate that, but I believe this is for the best.
All of this is going to hurt them and that is the last thing I ever want to do, but when they grow and mature and think about it, they will eventually understand and, hopefully, forgive me. Riff will be hit the hardest as he is still so angry over Mom. He is going to need you so much over the coming months. Hell, there is no sugar coating it. They all will.
I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more time, but tumors don’t care about what we want or who we love. Love them for me and teach them to find the sunshine.
~Dylan
Chapter 6
I sit in silence, tears running down my face, more lost and sad and angry than I have ever felt in my life. The loss of my own parents didn’t feel as awful as this. These poor kids. All I want is to fix it and make it right for them, but there is nothing I can do. I feel helpless and know that how I feel isn’t even scratching the surface of what Dylan must have been feeling. My heart is aching and overflowing at the same time.
I can’t do what he is asking. This is just too much. How the hell does he think a practical stranger can help these three children deal with the grief and the loss of a brother, their only remaining family? How am I supposed to tell them that? Not just that their brother is dying, but also that he left them alone in the world? By choice? That he chose to leave rather than spend every last possible moment he had left with them? That he wouldn’t even let them say goodbye? That he thought giving them to a stranger was the better choice? My anger is smashing up against understanding, and both are knotted with a mountain of disbelief.
Grabbing my phone, I barely notice that it’s after eleven, but I need help. Jules answers, again, on the first ring, and knowing that she is still there waiting for me, that she is there for me no matter what, breaks open the floodgates.
“Jules,” I cry. “I need you.” I can’t control all the emotions battling inside me anymore. The sobs make it hard to speak, but somehow, I get enough out for her to understand that I want her at the hospital with me, and that I’ll explain more when she gets here.
Regaining a tiny bit of calm knowing that I won’t be alone for long, I tell her to ask for Rae when she comes in, and that Rae will get her to me. Jules tells me she’ll get here as soon as she can.
Just before she hangs up, I manage, “It’s bad Jules. I think it’s really bad.”
I grab a tissue to wipe away the tears that have slowed but haven’t stopped and blow my nose. I just sit there in the dim room and stare blankly at the wall across from me, not really seeing anything, not even thinking much of anything. Maybe I’m in shock. In some deep part of my mind I’m a little worried about the disconnect, that I’m not functioning well, but it’s too deep for me to act on that concern, so I just sit.
I have no clue how long I’m like that when someone sliding the door open pulls me out of the numb little void I’d found. It’s Tyler. I take yet another deep breath or two and wonder at the fact that I haven’t hyperventilated at some point this evening. Making sure the evidence of my tears has been wiped away, I force myself to focus on the now.
“Are you going to need to wake him for tests?” I don’t think I’m ready to face any of the kids yet, so I’m hoping I have a little more time.
“No, I’m just checking his stats right now, so I won’t need to wake him. I took blood when I started the IV, and that’s already being run. Dr. Morrisey will decide what needs to be done once we get the results back. It should be soon though.” He runs through his vitals checks while B sleeps on.
“His temp is up a bit, but everything else still looks good. The doctor should be back soon.” Tyler folds up the blood pressure cuff, sets it aside and leaves the room.
He doesn’t slide the door shut because Dr. Morrisey is coming in as he is leaving. Rae, the kids and Jules trail in behind him.
That five-foot-nothing, red-haired, green-eyed force of nature is such a relief to see. Having Jules here makes it just a tiny bit easier to breathe. I choke back the tears of relief that threaten to break through at seeing her.
The doctor glances around at the newcomers. “Looks like a full house. I’ve got B-Rad’s blood test back. Are you good with everyone in the room?” With a start, I realize he is addressing me. I can only nod.
Simone and Riff take a couple of the chairs, Rae stands off to the side and Jules comes over to hug me and take my hand.
“B-Rad’s results indicate that there is an infection, so appendicitis is the most likely cause. I’ve ordered an ultrasound, just to confirm. The tech will bring the equipment in and do that here, so he doesn’t have to be moved. I’m also going to have him started on antibiotics, which will help no matter the ultrasound results. I’ve called the surgeon, and she will be in with the tech to do her own evaluation. Her findings will determine what we do from there. Any questions?”
I shake my head. “No. Thank you.”
Dr. Morrisey nods, waves to Rae then leaves, sliding the door shut after him.
Jules squeezes my hand. “So, introductions? I’m Teri’s friend, Jules.” She looks to the kids, waiting.
“I’m Simone.” She gestures to her brother in the chair next to her. “This is Riff. B-Rad is the one sleeping.”
Riff is hunched over in his chair, picking at his nails and visibly clenching his jaw.
Rae grabs a cup that she’d set on the tray next to her when she came in and brings it over to me. “Coffee. Thought you’d need something.”
“Thank you. I did need this.” I take a sip dreading the bitterness of black coffee but unwilling to complain and am pleasantly surprised to find it with both cream and sugar, the way I would normally fix it. I look up at Rae, puzzled.
“Simone told me how you liked it.”
I turn my puzzled look to Simone. She blushes slightly, making her freckles pop.
“Dylan mentioned it once. It was random and out of the blue, so it stuck with me.” It’s almost a mumble.
A little louder, she continues. “I mean, yeah. He talks about you a lot, but it’s usually about what you guys are doing and stuff. When he mentioned the coffee thing, it was this random, rambly thing that was kinda weird for Dylan. So, yeah. It kinda stuck.”
“Thank you, Simone. This is perfect.” She looks away, focusing on B, apparently done with the attention.
Jules pulls me over to the two remaining chairs, so we can sit. She doesn’t let go of my hand. I need that connection to keep me grounded. I squeeze her hand and get one in return.
“Did you guys get anything to eat or drink? We’re probably going to be here for a while.” No matter the chaos in my head, I still need to ensure that they are as okay as possible. Is there an okay anywhere in this?
Riff doesn’t change his slumped position in the chair. Simone just nods, still not looking at me. I sigh. Why did Dylan think I’d be good for them?
As always, Jules covers my floundering.
“What grade are you in, Simone? You’re what? Eleven? Twelve? So, starting seventh grade, right?”
Simone turns to Jules when she hears her name. “Yeah, my birthday is next month, and I’ll be twelve.”
“I thought so. I teach fifth grade. You look older than my students. What school?”
“Preston.”
“Oh, that’s
in my district. Were you always in the district? I don’t forget students, even ones I didn’t have, and I don’t remember seeing you.”
“No.” There is a pause before she finishes. “Dylan moved us here before the start of last school year after Mom died.”
Riff starts to fidget, but Simone keeps going, either unaware or uncaring that she is veering into uncomfortable territory.
I catch Jules tossing me a questioning glance. There is so much I need to fill her in on.
“This district had the better art and soccer programs, and Dylan wanted us to be able to have more opportunities than what our old school offered. Soccer for Riff and the art for me, though I have to wait until I’m in high school for the art. The teacher at Preston is thinking about starting an art club though, so that will be fun this fall.”
I’d expected Simone to be the shy, quiet girl, but she’s proving me wrong with how easy she is talking to Jules. Then again, that may just be because it’s Jules. She can get just about anyone talking to her. It’s one of the reasons why she’s so amazing as a teacher. She reaches kids when others often don’t.
Jules nods. “It’s a great district to be in, either as a teacher or a student. I think it was a good choice for a move.”
Riff glances up, like he might say something, when the door slides open, and a couple of people come into the room. One is pushing a cart with what looks like a bulky laptop on it. He turns the lights on and closes the door behind him. The other is a woman with a white coat and is on the shorter side, but still probably taller than my 5’ 2”. Her sleek, black hair is cut into a cute bob. She glances around the room.
“Wow. Full room. Which one of you is Teri?” She is looking at Jules and me sitting next to each other.
“That’s me.” I stand and run my hands down the front of my jeans.
“I’m Dr. Lee, the surgeon.” She extends her hand to shake. “I’m going to evaluate B-Rad with the sonographer and decide what needs to be done to get him back to a healthy little boy.”
