The Best of Roald Dahl

by Roald Dahl

  There was a pause. Stuffy watched Tim who wasn't making any noise with the bottles; he was picking them up carefully and putting them down carefully.

  Then the loud gritty voice again, 'It may cost you a lot.'

  'That's all right.' Suddenly he didn't like the conversation any more. He wanted to finish it and get away.

  'Might cost you six pounds, might cost you eight or ten. I don't know till I've seen her. That all right?'

  'Yes yes, that's all right.'

  'Where you living. Colonel?'

  'Metropolitan Hotel,' he said without thinking.

  'All right, I give you a ring later.' And she put down the receiver, bang.

  Stuffy hung up, went slowly back to the table and sat down.

  'Well,' said Stag, 'that was all right, wasn't it?'

  'Yes, I suppose so.'

  'What did she say?'

  'She said that she would call me back at the hotel.'

  'You mean she'll call Colonel Higgins at the hotel.'

  Stuffy said, 'Oh Christ.'

  Stag said, 'It's all right. We'll tell the desk that the Colonel is in our room and put his calls through to us. What else did she say?'

  'She said it may cost me a lot, six or ten pounds.'

  'Rosette will take ninety per cent of it,' said Stag. 'She's a filthy old whore.'

  'How will she work it?' Stuffy said.

  He was really a gentle person and now he was feeling worried about having started something which might become complicated.

  'Well,' said Stag, 'she'll dispatch one of her pimps to locate the girl and find out who she is. If she's already on the books, then it's easy. If she isn't, the pimp will proposition her there and then over the counter at Cicurel's. If the girl tells him to go to hell, he'll up the price, and if she still tells him to go to hell, he'll up the price still more, and in the end she'll be tempted by the cash and probably agree. Then Rosette quotes you a price three times as high and takes the balance herself. You have to pay her, not the girl. Of course after that the girl goes on Rosette's books, and once she's in her clutches she's finished. Next time Rosette will dictate the price and the girl will not be in a position to argue.'

  'Why?'

  'Because if she refuses, Rosette will say, "All right, my girl, I shall see that your employers, that's Cicurel's, are told about what you did last time, how you've been working for me and using their shop as a market place. Then they'll fire you." That's what Rosette will say, and the wretched girl will be frightened and do what she's told.'

  Stuffy said, 'Sounds like a nice person.'

  'Who?'

  'Madame Rosette.'

  'Charming,' said Stag. 'She's a charming person.'

  It was hot. Stuffy wiped his face with his handkerchief.

  'More whisky,' said Stag. 'Hi, Tim, two more of those.'

  Tim brought the glasses over and put them on the table without saying anything. He picked up the empty glasses and went away at once. To Stuffy it seemed as though he was different from what he had been when they first came in. He wasn't cheery any more, he was quiet and offhand. There wasn't any more 'Hi, you fellows, where you been all this time' about him now, and when he got back behind the counter, he turned his back and went on arranging the bottles.

  The Stag said, 'How much money you got?'

  'Nine pounds, I think.'

  'May not be enough. You gave her a free hand, you know. You ought to have set a limit. She'll sting you now.'

  'I know,' Stuffy said.

  They went on drinking for a little while without talking. Then Stag said, 'What you worrying about. Stuffy?'

  'Nothing,' he answered. 'Nothing at all. Let's go back to the hotel. She may ring up.'

  They paid for their drinks and said goodbye to Tim, who nodded but didn't say anything. They went back to the Metropolitan and as they went past the desk, the Stag said to the clerk, 'If a call comes in for Colonel Higgins, put it through to our room. He'll be there.' The Egyptian said, 'Yes, sir,' and made a note of it.

  In the bedroom, the Stag lay down on his bed and lit a cigarette. 'And what am I going to do tonight?' he said.

  Stuffy had been quiet all the way back to the hotel. He hadn't said a word. Now he sat down on the edge of the other bed with his hands still in his pockets and said, 'Look, Stag, I'm not very keen on this Rosette deal any more. It may cost too much. Can't we put it off?'

  The Stag sat up. 'Hell no,' he said. 'You're committed. You can't fool about with Rosette like that. She's probably working on it at this moment. You can't back out now.'

  'I may not be able to afford it,' Stuffy said.

  'Well, wait and see.'

  Stuffy got up, went over to the parachute bag and took out the bottle of whisky. He poured out two, filled the glasses with water from the tap in the bathroom, came back and gave one to the Stag.

  'Stag,' he said. 'Ring up Rosette and tell her that Colonel Higgins has had to leave town urgently, to rejoin his regiment in the desert. Ring her up and tell her that. Say the Colonel asked you to deliver the message because he didn't have time.'

  'Ring her up yourself.'

  'She'd recognize my voice. Come on, Stag, you ring her.'

  'No,' he said, 'I won't.'

  'Listen,' said Stuffy suddenly. It was the child Stuffy speaking. 'I don't want to go out with that woman and I don't want to have any dealings with Madame Rosette tonight. We can think of something else.'

  The Stag looked up quickly. Then he said, 'All right. I'll ring her.'

  He reached for the phone book, looked up her number and spoke it into the telephone. Stuffy heard him get her on the line and he heard him giving her the message from the Colonel. There was a pause, then the Stag said, 'I'm sorry, Madame Rosette, but it's nothing to do with me. I'm merely delivering a message.' Another pause; then the Stag said the same thing over again and that went on for quite a long time, until he must have got tired of it, because in the end he put down the receiver and lay back on his bed. He was roaring with laughter.

  'The lousy old bitch,' he said, and he laughed some more.

  Stuffy said, 'Was she angry?'

  'Angry,' said Stag. 'Was she angry? You should have heard her. Wanted to know the Colonel's regiment and God knows what else and said he'd have to pay. She said you boys think you can fool around with me but you can't.'

  'Hooray,' said Stuffy. 'The filthy old whore.'

  'Now what are we going to do?' said the Stag. 'It's six o'clock already.'

  'Let's go out and do a little drinking in some of those Gyppi places.'

  'Fine. We'll do a Gyppi pub crawl.'

  They had one more drink, then they went out. They went to a place called the Excelsior, then they went to a place called the Sphinx, then to a small place called by an Egyptian name, and by ten o'clock they were sitting happily in a place which hadn't got a name at all, drinking beer and watching a kind of stage show. At the Sphinx they had picked up a pilot from thirty-three squadron, who said that his name was William. He was about the same age as Stuffy, but his face was younger, for he had not been flying so long. It was especially around his mouth that he was younger. He had a round schoolboy face and a small turned-up nose and his skin was brown from the desert.

  The three of them sat happily in the place without a name drinking beer, because beer was the only thing that they served there. It was a long wooden room with an unpolished wooden sawdust floor and wooden tables and chairs. At the far end there was a raised wooden stage where there was a show going on. The room was full of Egyptians, sitting drinking black coffee with the red tarbooshes on their heads. There were two fat girls on the stage dressed in shiny silver pants and silver brassieres. One was waggling her bottom in time to the music. The other was waggling her bosom in time to the music. The bosom waggler was most skilful. She could waggle one bosom without waggling the other and sometimes she would waggle her bottom as well. The Egyptians were spellbound and kept giving her a big hand. The more they clapped the more she wa
ggled and the more she waggled the faster the music played, and the faster the music played, the faster she waggled, faster and faster and faster, never losing the tempo, never losing the fixed brassy smile that was upon her face, and the Egyptians clapped more and more and louder and louder as the speed increased. Everyone was very happy.

  When it was over William said, 'Why do they always have those dreary fat women? Why don't they have beautiful women?'

  The Stag said, 'The Gyppies like them fat. They like them like that.'

  'Impossible,' said Stuffy.

  'It's true,' Stag said. 'It's an old business. It comes from the days when there used to be lots of famines here, and all the poor people were thin and all the rich people and the aristocracy were well fed and fat. If you got someone fat you couldn't go wrong; she was bound to be high-class.'

  'Bullshit,' said Stuffy.

  William said, 'Well, we'll soon find out. I'm going to ask those Gyppies.' He jerked his thumb towards two middle-aged Egyptians who were sitting at the next table, only four feet away.

  'No,' said Stag. 'No, William. We don't want them over here.'

  'Yes,' said Stuffy.

  'Yes,' said William. 'We've got to find out why the Gyppies like fat women.'

  He was not drunk. None of them was drunk, but they were happy with a fair amount of beer and whisky, and William was the happiest. His brown schoolboy face was radiant with happiness, his turned-up nose seemed to have turned up a little more and he was probably relaxing for the first time in many weeks. He got up, took three paces over to the table of the Egyptians and stood in front of them, smiling.

  'Gentlemen,' he said, 'my friends and I would be honoured if you would join us at our table.'

  The Egyptians had dark greasy skin and podgy faces. They were wearing the red hats and one of them had a gold tooth. At first, when William addressed them, they looked a little alarmed. Then they caught on, looked at each other, grinned and nodded.

  'Pleess,' said one.

  'Pleess,' said the other, and they got up, shook hands with William and followed him over to where the Stag and Stuffy were sitting.

  William said, 'Meet my friends. This is the Stag. This is Stuffy. I am William.'

  The Stag and Stuffy stood up, they all shook hands, the Egyptians said 'Pleess' once more and then everyone sat down.

  The Stag knew that their religion forbade them to drink. 'Have a coffee,' he said.

  The one with the gold tooth grinned broadly, raised his hands, palms upward and hunched his shoulders a little. 'For me,' he said, 'I am accustomed. But for my frient,' and he spread out his hands towards the other, 'for my frient - I cannot speak.'

  The Stag looked at the friend. 'Coffee?' he asked.

  'Pleess,' he answered. 'I am accustomed.'

  'Good,' said Stag. 'Two coffees.'

  He called a waiter. 'Two coffees,' he said. 'And, wait a minute. Stuffy, William, more beer?'

  'For me,' Stuffy said, 'I am accustomed. But for my friend,' and he turned towards William, 'for my friend - I cannot speak.'

  William said, 'Please. I am accustomed.' None of them smiled.

  The Stag said, 'Good. Waiter, two coffees and three beers.' The waiter fetched the order and the Stag paid. The Stag lifted his glass towards the Egyptians and said, 'Bung ho.'

  'Bung ho,' said Stuffy.

  'Bung ho,' said William.

  The Egyptians seemed to understand and they lifted their coffee cups. 'Pleess,' said the one. 'Thank you,' said the other. They drank.

  The Stag put down his glass and said, 'It is an honour to be in your country.'

  'You like?'

  'Yes,' said the Stag. 'Very fine.'

  The music had started again and the two fat women in silver tights were doing an encore. The encore was a knockout. It was surely the most remarkable exhibition of muscle control that has ever been witnessed; for although the bottom-waggler was still just waggling her bottom, the bosom-waggler was standing like an oak tree in the centre of the stage with her arms above her head. Her left bosom she was rotating in a clockwise direction and her right bosom in an anti-clockwise direction. At the same time she was waggling her bottom and it was all in time to the music. Gradually the music increased its speed, and as it got faster, the rotating and the waggling got faster and some of the Egyptians were so spellbound by the contra-rotating bosoms of the woman that they were unconsciously following the movements of the bosoms with their hands, holding their hands up in front of them and describing circles in the air. Everyone stamped their feet and screamed with delight and the two women on the stage continued to smile their fixed brassy smiles.

  Then it was over. The applause gradually died down.

  'Remarkable,' said the Stag.

  'You like?'

  'Please, it was remarkable.'

  'Those girls,' said the one with the gold tooth, 'very special.'

  William couldn't wait any longer. He leaned across the table and said, 'Might I ask you a question?'

  'Pleess,' said Golden Tooth. 'Pleess.'

  'Well,' said William, 'how do you like your women? Like this - slim?' and he demonstrated with his hands. 'Or like this - fat?'

  The gold tooth shone brightly behind a big grin. 'For me, I like like this, fat,' and a pair of podgy hands drew a big circle in the air.

  'And your friend?' said William.

  'For my frient,' he answered, 'I cannot speak.'

  'Pleess,' said the friend. 'Like this.' He grinned and drew a fat girl in the air with his hands.

  Stuffy said, 'Why do you like them fat?'

  Golden Tooth thought for a moment, then he said, 'You like them slim, eh?'

  'Please,' said Stuffy. 'I like them slim.'

  'Why you like them slim? You tell me.'

  Stuffy rubbed the back of his neck with the palm of his hand. 'William,' he said, 'why do we like them slim?'

  'For me,' said William, 'I am accustomed.'

  'So am I,' Stuffy said. 'But why?'

  William considered. 'I don't know,' he said. 'I don't know why we like them slim.'

  'Ha,' said Golden Tooth. 'You don't know.' He leaned over the table towards William and said triumphantly, 'And me, I do not know either.'

  But that wasn't good enough for William. 'The Stag,' he said, 'says that all rich people in Egypt used to be fat and all poor people were thin.'

  'No,' said Golden Tooth, 'No no no. Look those girls up there. Very fat; very poor. Look queen of Egypt, Queen Farida. Very thin; very rich. Quite wrong.'

  'Yes, but what about years ago?' said William.

  'What is this, years ago?'

  William said, 'Oh all right. Let's leave it.'

  The Egyptians drank their coffee and made noises like the last bit of water running out of the bathtub. When they had finished, they got up to go.

  'Going?' said the Stag.

  'Pleess,' said Golden Tooth.

  William said, 'Thank you.' Stuffy said, 'Pleess.' The other Egyptian said, 'Pleess,' and the Stag said, 'Thank you.' They all shook hands and the Egyptians departed.

  'Ropey types,' said William.

  'Very,' said Stuffy. 'Very ropey types.'

  The three of them sat on drinking happily until midnight, when the waiter came up and told them that the place was closing and that there were no more drinks. They were still not really drunk because they had been taking it slowly, but they were feeling healthy.

  'He says we've got to go.'

  'All right. Where shall we go? Where shall we go. Stag?'

  'I don't know. Where do you want to go?'

  'Let's go to another place like this,' said William. 'This is a fine place.'

  There was a pause. Stuffy was stroking the back of his neck with his hand. 'Stag,' he said slowly, 'I know where I want to go. I want to go to Madame Rosette's and I want to rescue all the girls there.'

  'Who's Madame Rosette?' William said.

  'She's a great woman,' said the Stag.

  'She's a filthy old whore,'
said Stuffy.

  'She's a lousy old bitch,' said the Stag.

  'All right,' said William. 'Let's go. But who is she?'

  They told him who she was. They told him about their telephone calls and about Colonel Higgins, and William said, 'Come on, let's go. Let's go and rescue all the girls.'

  They got up and left. When they went outside, they remembered that they were in a rather remote part of the town.

  'We'll have to walk a bit,' said Stag. 'No gharries here.'

  It was a dark starry night with no moon. The street was narrow and blacked-out. It smelled strongly with the smell of Cairo. It was quiet as they walked along, and now and again they passed a man or sometimes two men standing back in the shadow of a house, leaning against the wall of the house, smoking.

  'I say,' said William, 'ropey, what?'

  'Very,' said Stuffy. 'Very bad types.'

  They walked on, the three of them walking abreast; square short ginger-haired Stag, tall dark Stuffy and tall young William who went barehead because he had lost his cap. They headed roughly towards the centre of town where they knew that they would find a gharri to take them on to Rosette.

  Stuffy said, 'Oh, won't the girls be pleased when we rescue them?'

  'Jesus,' said the Stag, 'it ought to be a party.'

  'Does she actually keep them locked up?' William said.

  'Well, no,' said Stag. 'Not exactly. But if we rescue them now, they won't have to work any more tonight anyway. You see, the girls she has at her place are nothing but ordinary shop girls who still work during the day in the shops. They have all of them made some mistake or other which Rosette either engineered or found out about, and now she has put the screws on them; she makes them come along in the evening. But they hate her and they do not depend on her for a living. They would kick her in the teeth if they got the chance.'

  Stuffy said, 'We'll give them the chance.'

  They crossed over a street. William said, 'How many girls will there be there, Stag?'

  'I don't know. I suppose there might be thirty.'

  'Good God,' said William. 'This will be a party. Does she really treat them very badly?'

  The Stag said, 'Thirty-three squadron told me that she pays them nothing, about twenty akkers a night. She charges the customers a hundred or two hundred akkers each. Every girl earns for Rosette between five hundred and a thousand akkers every night.'

  'Good God,' said William. 'A thousand piastres a night and thirty girls. She must be a millionaire.'