by Mia Archer
She was so beautiful. So trusting. She’d been so good to me, and I couldn’t in good conscience lie to her about anything.
I sighed. This was going to suck, but then again I’d always known it was going to suck. It was just a question of exactly how much it was going to suck.
A lot. That’s the answer. This was going to suck a lot.
“Maybe when I got that email asking me to break myself up with my boyfriend… Well, I suspected it might be you. I’d hoped it might be you.”
I waited for the inevitable blowup. But she had an unreadable expression. I couldn’t tell which way this was going to go. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t going to be good, whatever happened.
“So let me see if I’ve got this right,” she said. “You’re telling me you are the breakup artist? I was right?”
If there were any more twists and turns in this conversation I think I was going to have to stop the ride, lean over the edge, and empty my guts.
“You knew?” I asked. “You knew and you didn’t say anything?”
Maddie shrugged. “I had my suspicions, but to be honest I couldn’t be totally sure. I figured if you really were the breakup artist then you would’ve had the guts to dump your boyfriend a long time ago.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“Come on Ashley,” she said. “I think we both know what that’s supposed to mean.”
“Well why don’t you come out and say it,” I said. “Just in case I’m not sure what you mean.”
She sighed. “Are we really going to do this?”
“I think we are,” I said.
“Fine,” Maddie said. “But I want you to know we didn’t have to do it this way. You’re the one who’s being a jerk.”
“We’ll see about that,” I said.
Deep down I knew she was right. I was being a jerk, and I didn’t quite know why. Sure I’ve had time to look back on it and I realized that maybe there was still a part of me that was terrified of leaving the old life I’d known to embrace this new one.
Sure that new life was going to be a more honest life, but at the same time it was different. Change is always terrifying. Even if it’s a change for the better. I don’t care who you are. The familiar is comfortable, and people don't like leaving comfortable behind.
“You’re the breakup artist,” she said. “I don’t think you’re a bad person because of that, but I do think you’re an idiot if you can’t see that your own relationship is in desperate need of your services. You’re a lesbian, Ashley, and nothing’s going to change that. And until you can admit that to yourself…”
Maddie didn’t say anything else, but her actions spoke louder than any words possibly could. She shrugged. She looked sad, but she got up, and just like that she walked away.
Her meaning was pretty damn clear. If I didn’t have the guts to do to myself what I regularly did to other people in a professional capacity? Well, I could see the results for myself. The one ray of happiness I’d found in my life was walking away.
Maybe for good.
Yeah, it’s just like I warned you at the beginning. This wasn’t a happy update.
30
Penultimate Update
Ashley Timmons says
I, Ashley Timmons, am an idiot. I have been an idiot.
I won’t apologize for what I’ve done to other couples. I still stand by the assertion that everyone I broke up deserved to be broken up.
I’m still very interested in clearing my name, though. And so in the interest of finally making all you idiots realize I had a good reason to do what I did, even if I also profited off of what I did, I’m releasing all the research I’ve done to determine whether or not someone should be broken up.
That’s right Thomas. Get ready to have all your indiscretions brought out into the court of public opinion. I’m sure all the girls you’re banging will love learning about each other. I didn’t want to do this, but there are enough people out there trying to trash my good name that I’m not going to put up with it any longer.
You guys brought this down on yourselves. I was going to play nice. I’ve read the comments you’re leaving, though, so no more Ms. Nice Girl.
I’ve also heard that things have been pretty nasty for Valerie and the good principal. Well, things were already not going all that well for principal Gorman even before I wrote about everything and brought to light exactly what he’d done.
My parents were already threatening the school with legal action, but the superintendent was dragging his feet on actually doing anything.
It turns out a little bit of bad publicity that goes viral is enough to get feet dragging administrators to finally stop dragging those feet. And it looks like Gorman is, at the very least, going to undergo some training about what he is and isn’t allowed to do in the course of discharging his duty as the school principal.
I know there’s been a lot of pressure for him to resign. I think the jerk deserves it, I’m not the only one he pulled that on and not everyone was smart enough to tell him no, but it’s going to take more people protesting. Say, at a school board meeting tomorrow starting at seven.
Yeah, it’d be really tough for the superintendent and school board to ignore what’s going on if they were suddenly beset on all sides by a throng of angry students and parents who don’t like the idea of a principal who’s been going through students’ phones.
It’d be really unfortunate if a bunch of people who’ve gotten in trouble in the past because of things the principal found while he was going through their phones, something that’s totally illegal by the way, showed up and started leveling accusations at him in front of the school board. Or if those people maybe went to the cops.
Yeah, that would be really bad for the principal. But I can’t imagine why somebody would do something like that, can you? It’s not like there’s some singular place where the entire school, the entire world if the hits that I’m getting are any indication, could organize something like that, right?
It’s a crazy idea. Wink and a nudge. Y’all know what to do. Take some of that energy you put towards bitching in the comments and aim it at something useful.
Now here’s where we get to the interesting part about today’s update. The eagle-eyed among you readers out there might have realized you’ve sent the old scrollbar down pretty far and yet I still haven’t launched into the actual story.
There’s a little problem with telling more of my story. I’ve kind of run out of story to tell. The update yesterday talking about my parents getting pissed off, Valerie figuring out who I was, and Maddie getting upset at me for not having the guts to do what needed to be done and break up with Steve?
That brings us to the present day. The updates are now being written at the same time as everything is going on. I can’t launch into the rest of the story because, as of right now, there is no rest of the story.
But it’s not the end of the world. There might not be any rest of the story yet, but that doesn’t mean there’s never going to be a rest of the story. No, it just means I have to do my best to make the rest of the story has a happy ending.
For me. I know some of you assholes think nothing short of me getting tarred and feathered would be a happy ending.
As a wise scientist once said. The future is whatever you make it, so make sure it’s a good one. Or something like that. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen that movie.
The point is we’ve reached a critical point in the story where things are kind of up in the air. There isn’t a happily ever after yet, but you bet your stupid asses I’m going to be working overtime to make sure that happily ever after happens. Because it’s going to be really depressing if we end this story with me being left all alone with nobody to love.
So as another wise man once said, it’s time for me to find somebody to love.
And of course that means finding somebody to love breakup artist style. So I’m going to lay it all out there.
It’s been a week since we had that argument and I haven’t heard from you. To be perfectly honest I’ve been afraid of getting in touch with you because I’ve been terrified if I do it might result in a conversation that ends with me losing you for good.
I guess it was easier for me to exist in this strange limbo space where there was the possibility we might still get back together.
It would really suck if it turns out you don’t want anything to do with me. You’re wonderful. You’re the girl who made me realize I could love. That I wasn’t broken. That the problem wasn't me so much as who I was dating.
So I’m putting it all on the line. You know who you are, and if you really want this to happen, well I’ll meet you tonight where we fell for each other. I hope you know the place. I’ll wait there for you. Always.
I really hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for being such a complete and total idiot. I hope you can find it in your heart to give me a chance even though I let fear get the best of me.
Also? It’s totally time for the breakup artist to give her grand finale. To do her final breakup. The final request that’s been pushed through. For a client who requested that Ashley Timmons break up with her boyfriend Steve.
It just so happens that the client who made that request is very special to me. More special than anyone else in this world. So I’m more than happy to do this one for free.
Only for all of you out there who are expecting fireworks or some big dramatic gesture between me and Steve? Well you’ve been reading that big dramatic gesture this whole time.
Come on. What were you expecting? I’ve been writing a series of posts that have gone around the entire world talking about how I’ve come out of the closet. How I’m totally a lesbian and I’ve fallen in love with another girl. How I wasn’t happy in my old relationship and it had to end.
Yeah, Steve was well aware of everything before this all started. He just kept his mouth shut because he was getting a hell of a lot of sympathy. And there’s nothing like a little bit of sympathy and suddenly finding yourself at the center of one hell of an online firestorm to start pulling the chicks.
At least that’s the way he phrased it when we talked about it.
That’s right ladies. I’ve totally been in touch with Steve this whole time. We broke up a few days before I started this thing, and we’re actually pretty friendly with each other. At least as friendly as you can be with a fresh wound like that. I expect we’ll learn to get along in the grand tradition of heterosexual couples who dated before one or both halves of said couple realized they were actually into the same sex.
The point is my boy Steve was well aware of all of this, and to say he’s been cleaning up with all the sympathy he’s gotten from these posts making me look like the bad guy would be the understatement of the year. You go get’em Steve.
And all you ladies out there who’ve been lurking in the comments section wishing you could find a good guy? Or even some of you ladies who’ve been making the ill-advised decision to try and go for Thomas even though you know that’s the equivalent of touching a giant glowing green radioactive penis that brings death and destruction everywhere it goes?
Well if you’re looking for a good guy who, despite all of my complaints in these posts, is actually really good at kissing and all that stuff if you get your reviews from a heterosexual girl? Well you should give Steve a chance. I hear he’s still single. Killing it, but single.
So that’s it. I know it’s probably anticlimactic for some of you out there who’ve been following this thing the entire time.
You’ve all been played. You’re all part of my greatest breakup ever. The most public breakup I’ve ever done.
My own.
My name is Ashley Timmons, and I’m the breakup artist. I’m not ashamed of that at all, and I’m also totally a lesbian. A lesbian who’s head over heels in love with a girl. I don’t care who hears it. You can all go fuck yourselves if you have a problem with that.
I’m not exactly interested in naming hater names, but I’m looking at you in particular Young Republicans and the Youth Christian Alliance.
If past performance is any indication I’d be willing to bet a healthy percentage of all y’all are hiding a little bit of the homo yourselves and way overcorrecting in an attempt to hide it. You’re not fooling anyone, but I suppose some of you will have to wait until you get to college to come to that realization.
So that’s it. This is the big update for now. That’s it for the story of Ashley Timmons, breakup artist.
Man. Wouldn’t that be some shit if that’s really where I left everything? I might be annoyed with some of you, but there are far more of you who’ve been kind and supportive. I’ve been too quick to call out the assholes and not quick enough to thank all the people who had my back through this whole thing.
And I’m not going to leave all of you good people hanging. You deserve an update. You deserve to see how everything turns out.
So I can promise all of you at least one more update. I know you want to know what happens between me and the girl I’ve been calling Maddie all this time. So if there’s any resolution to this, if I go back to the place where we fell for each other tonight and everything goes well then I promise I’ll have an update tomorrow, or maybe the day after tomorrow.
After all, I have to go to that school board meeting and watch all the people who I’m sure aren’t going to come forward about principal Gorman trying to search their phones and totally aren’t going to protest, right?
That’s how my parents advised me to word that so I don’t get in potential trouble for inciting a riot or something.
So maybe I’ll see some of you tomorrow. I’ll definitely see all of you back here in a couple of days, and I’ll be able to tell you, one way or another, what happened. Is this going to be a happily ever after or am I going to die miserable, cold, and alone like some of you haters seem to think I deserve?
Totally not. I’ll be really disappointed, I’m head over heels for Maddie, but there’s college to look forward to and the rest of our lives. All of you who seem to think that high school is the end all be all of existence really need to get a sense of perspective.
So for now this is Ashley Timmons signing off. I’ll see you at the next update and tell you how everything went.
Cross your fingers for me!
31
Final Update
Ashley Timmons says
I have to say that I am astonished. Absolutely and totally astonished!
It turns out my little website was enough to get a huge number of people out to the school board meeting last night. I know that’s the one thing that has been the most pressing on everybody’s mind ever since my last update.
I know that’s the thing that worried me the most as I went to that meeting last night. I mean can you imagine how I would’ve looked if no one showed up? Sure there are a lot of people who read this site, but I didn’t know if that would translate into a lot of people actually going out to do something about Principal Gorman and a bunch of bureaucrats dragging their feet.
Let’s be honest. People in this country aren’t exactly known for going out and protesting even when things are getting bad.
And don’t get me started on the apathy of the typical American teenager. We’re all either working so hard to get into college or on our social lives that we don’t have time for things like fighting for justice, but it turns out the thought of the school administration trying to get into all of your cell phones was terrifying enough to kick people in the ass.
I’m happy to say that it looks like Principal Gorman is no longer be the principal. He’s been put on administrative leave, and my understanding is the school has never put someone on administrative leave without eventually canning them.
> Score one for the good guys. Go us!
Yeah, I’m sure the status of our now former school administrator is the single most concerning thing on everybody’s mind, right?
I’m just fucking with you guys. Some of you down there in the comments might be assholes, but the show of support I got at the school board meeting and the sheer number of people who came out was overwhelming. It was enough that I even broke down just a little bit.
Yeah, that’s right. The breakup artist’s heart grew three sizes that day as we united to kick an asshole out of his job.
But I know what you’re all wondering about.
Yesterday was the big night for the school board, but two nights ago was the big night for me. The night when I found out whether or not the girl I’ve been calling Maddie was actually interested in me.
You’ve all been so nice, a few trolls and Thomas notwithstanding, that I can’t imagine not telling you how that went, so without further ado let’s get on with the real story. The one you were all worried about. This brings us to the final post of the breakup artist saga: whether or not I finally found true love.
Yeah bitches. That’s right. I’m going to keep you on the edge of your computer chairs until the very last minute. No giving away any spoilers in my news post up at the top.
So it all started at the mall two nights ago. Because of course it started at the mall. The mall is where everything has been happening, after all.
That thing might be a decaying American institution no one cares about anymore, but the place was packed with teenagers two days ago.
Seriously. I’m sure shop owners were jumping for joy. It was like Black Friday in that place, except instead of adults walking around shopping for deals there were a bunch of teenagers trying to find yours truly.
Of course I’d anticipated that something like that might happen. Hey, when you have an audience as big as mine you kind of have to figure there are going to be a lot of people showing up.
