by Mia Archer
It’s something you wouldn’t understand, Valerie, considering you had such a small audience. Though I guess you don’t have any audience to speak of now that you’ve been officially pulled from the school newspaper.
Oh, right. That reminds me of someone else who got their comeuppance. It turns out Mrs. Carol, the teacher who runs the student newspaper, takes the whole ethics in journalism thing very seriously. To the point that my former friend ended up getting a big fat old F in that class.
I can only guess how that F is going to look on all the transcripts and scholarship applications Valerie’s about to start sending out. It really is a terrible time to get a black mark on an otherwise perfect record. Most people wait until the second semester of senior year to let all the bad grades happen, after college applications have been submitted, but I guess she’s just going to have to hope for the best with that big fat failing grade in the subject she wants to study as her major and no recommendation from her teacher in that subject.
Oops.
Right. So back to the story. Back to the mall where I showed up wearing a thin hoodie.
I know you all keep getting on me for insulting your intelligence, but let’s think about what my fans did last night. All of you were out there looking for me, and the one girl you didn’t look at was the girl wearing a hoodie when it’s still warm enough outside that a hoodie should be suspicious?
Honestly. I only keep insulting your intelligence because you deserve nothing less.
And here I am yet again avoiding the story. Although maybe I’m doing that on purpose to draw out some of the suspense. I know how much you all love that.
Though maybe it’s not entirely fair to insult every reader’s intelligence. After all, there was a large crowd gathered in front of the movie theater that night.
It turns out some of you were actually reading and paying attention. Especially when I said we were going to meet where it all started.
There’s just one problem with that little bit of genius some of you pulled off. And that problem is something I already admitted to long ago. I’m an unreliable narrator.
So I had a supremely satisfied smile on my face as I passed the crowd filling up the hall leading down to the theater. That hall was so full that it was impossible to get in to see a movie.
I hear Keith got in serious trouble with theater management. It turns out having a bunch of high school girls filling up that hall talking to him, mostly demanding to know where Maddie was, was like catnip for the prick. I guess he ended up saying some things he probably shouldn’t to a bunch of girls who’d already been primed to watch out for his creepiness by my posts which created a perfect storm of trouble.
For him, that is.
Damn. It’s like all sorts of people are getting the comeuppance they deserve as we close in on the end of this story. It’s like the kind of person who has a meticulously well thought out plan for every situation planned for something like this to happen so all the people who’d wronged her over the course of the past couple of months got what was coming to them.
But only if they deserved it. My motto in life about only dishing it out to those who deserve it hasn’t changed. Though I think we can all agree that Keith, Valerie, and principal Gorman all deserved what they get.
Right. So I walked right past the crowd spilling out of the movie theater and down to the bookstore.
Okay, so a moment of honesty here. It turns out that maybe when I said I was an unreliable narrator that was a little bit of misdirection. A few of you have even made the observation that you went out to the mall and counted the number of theaters and there totally is a special secret theater, or at least there’s room for a special secret theater.
I’m not going to either confirm or deny. Mostly because I don’t want to get anyone in trouble by revealing the existence, or not, of a secret projection room where they may or may not, I could be making this all up after all, show movies they shouldn’t. I won't even confirm or deny that Maddie maybe had a friend who worked at the theater who let her use that secret room for our hot date.
It’s been funny watching people arguing that there couldn’t possibly be another theater there, though. All it takes is going out there and counting the number of big squares attached to the mall to figure it out one way or another. I guess it just goes to show that on the Internet there’s always some idiot willing to argue their ignorance to the death.
The point is I lied here and there in this story to preserve Maddie’s privacy. I was unreliable as hell, but I didn’t exactly say what it was I was being unreliable about.
So I went to where we fell for each other. The wording there was very important and no one picked up on the secret. No one but Maddie, that is. I didn’t go to the theater. No, I went to the bookstore where we had our first unofficial date. Where we had a conversation about some of our favorite books, where we first held hands, and where I realized I was falling for her for the first time.
Hey, what can I say? Sometimes if you want to hide something the best way to do it is to hide in plain sight.
I stepped into the bookstore. Held my breath. Wondered if this was actually going to work. As I looked around I felt a sinking feeling. She wasn’t there.
I wondered if there was a chance she didn’t pick up on the subtle hint I’d dropped.
There was a part of me that worried she might actually be over at the movie theater waiting on me. That meant she’d be caught up in that crowd and was probably trying to pretend she wasn’t there looking for me because she didn’t want to be outed.
Not with you ravenous pack of jackals. Seriously. I don’t know how celebrities deal with this crap because I’ve had a small taste and I can’t say I care for it.
“Well hello there,” a familiar voice said.
I turned around. And then I saw her. Or I guess I should say I saw Matt. Because, big surprise, it turns out that Maddie was actually a Matt this whole time. The whole lesbian thing was another bit of misdirection that I…
I’m sorry. I just can’t do it. I thought that’d be a hell of a funny joke to play on all of you. Make you think I’d been joking about the whole lesbian thing, but that would only give ammo to all the haters out there, and seriously, fuck all of you haters. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Oh, and to clarify an annoying thread I saw in the comments? Telling all you nasty haters who hate me for being into girls doesn’t make me just as bad as you. You’re the bigoted pricks who came to my place looking for a fight.
Right. Getting distracted again. Back to the story.
I turned around and there was Melissa, because that’s totally her real name and she’s cool with me revealing it now, looking at me with a huge smile plastered across her face. She looked beautiful. And she totally was a girl, because that’s totally what I’m into.
Sorry to disappoint all of you Bible thumpers out there who might've gotten your hopes up that I’d undergone rapid conversion therapy or something.
“Fancy meeting you here,” she said.
“I’ve got to be honest. I was worried you weren’t going to pick up on my hint,” I said.
“It’s not like you were exactly subtle about it,” she said.
“I don’t know about that,” I said. “Do you see anyone else who was reading my website standing here at the bookstore?”
Her mouth compressed into a thin line, but it didn’t stay that way for long. She was obviously having trouble not smiling, and I figured that was a hell of a good sign. I sincerely hoped that meant the rest of this meeting was going to go well.
“Yeah. The line at the movie theater is ridiculous. They probably think this is going to be their best night of the year or something,” Melissa said.
I rolled my eyes. “Fat chance. Everyone’s there for a show, but not anything they’re showing on the big screen.”
“So is there any particular reason why you wanted me to come out here tonight?” Melissa asked.
I cocked an e
yebrow at her. “Are you serious? You know why I asked you to come out here tonight. I finally did it. I had the guts to pull the trigger and break up with Steve.”
“I know,” she said. “I’ve had the pleasure of reading all about my adventures over the past couple of weeks. It’s a little weird to suddenly be a celebrity and have nobody realize you’re the person everybody’s been wondering about.”
I blushed and looked down. “Yeah. I’m sorry about that. I tried to hide your name and everything, but…”
She rolled her eyes. “Tried to hide my name? Because you pretty much made it sound really close to my real name. I’m amazed nobody figured it out before now. And mentioning that I worked at the theater? Was that really necessary? I’m pretty sure Keith would’ve figured it out if he wasn’t so busy talking about how hot you were and wondering which girl you were ‘getting it on’ with in one of his theaters.”
“Sounds like Keith,” I muttered.
“Yeah, and he’s too stupid to realize that you mentioning him by name isn’t a good thing. He thought the girls would come rolling in now that he’s ‘famous’ and all.”
“That really sounds like Keith,” I growled. “I hope that asshole gets what’s coming to him.”
We all know how that worked out for Keith. They say there’s no such thing as bad publicity, but he sure as fuck proved that wrong.
I grinned. “You’ll note that nobody actually figured out who you were. Seriously. My readers aren’t the brightest bunch. They’re more interested in spouting out their own opinion in the comments section than they are in actually figuring anything out.”
Melissa giggled. “I suppose you’re right. It’s not like Internet detectives have ever had all that much luck figuring something out.
“Not and be right about it,” I said.
“Well there are a lot of people on the Internet who are going to be wrong one way or the other,” I said.
“What do you mean?” Melissa asked.
“There’s a fifty/fifty split of people who think you’re either going to have nothing to do with me or you’re going to forgive me for everything.”
Her face screwed up and she looked genuinely confused.
“Why would I have to forgive you for anything?” she asked. “It’s not like you did anything wrong. The only problem I had was you refused to break up with your boyfriend. Kind of hypocritical considering who you are and what you get up to in your spare time, but now that you’ve dumped him…”
She didn’t finish that thought. She didn’t have to. No, her meaning was pretty clear as she took both my hands in hers and pulled me in close.
How does that old classic line go? There are maybe five kisses in the world that are rated in the top? Something like that. Bill Goldman said it better than I ever could.
I can assure you kissing Melissa in the middle of the bookstore blew all of those away.
Though it probably didn’t give Westley and Buttercup a run for their money, I’d say we were at least tied.
32
All’s Well
Ashley Timmons says
And so here we are. Finally at the end of this whole fiasco.
What have I learned from this whole thing? That’s what teachers always tell you to end with when we’re writing an essay in English class, after all. Start with a thesis, reinforce the thesis in the main body, and then reinforce it again at the end.
Or something like that.
I can guarantee you the stuff I’m writing here is getting seen by a whole heck of a lot more people than some of the stuff written by some of the English teachers who are, after all, by and large failed novelists.
But anyways. Enough about the failed dreams of the educators who are helping us every day and getting paid peanuts to do it. We’re talking about more important stuff like what I’ve learned.
I’ve learned that my parents are actually pretty cool, and they can work together when they want to. Sure they might not be the most cuddly and touchy-feely people, especially with each other.
I wish I could say they read these posts and suddenly decided to be all lovey-dovey with each other, but I guess you can’t have everything even if you do get your happily ever after. At least they can come together when they need to.
It’s not exactly the great loving relationship that everyone wants as an example in their lives, but it’s something.
I’ve learned you have to be careful who your friends are. Here I was sitting with Sandra and Valerie and the rest of the crew, at least half of whom still hate me despite realizing that Valerie was the real bad guy in this situation, and yet despite that friendship Valerie was more than willing to turn on me at a moment’s notice.
Things are okay with me and Sandra. You’ll be happy to hear that she got back together with Sean. Though that’s more for the national and international crowd who’ve been reading this thing. I know everybody local has already heard that.
You’ll also be happy to hear that Valerie has been banished from our lunch table. Sure it’s a little awkward because Carrie went along with her, but if she’s going to support Valerie knowing everything Val did then she wasn’t much of a friend to begin with.
Besides. Kylie and Craig have joined us for lunch, and Melissa too. We just moved into a new semester which means new lunch schedules, and it just so happens that we all got into the same lunch period. Funny how things work out.
As for me and Melissa? Well, things haven’t ever been better. Seriously.
Oh, and Steve is even sitting at our table now. No hard feelings. I know there are some of you out there who said things couldn’t have been as good between me and Steve as I claimed, but you’re all wrong.The proof is right there at the lunch table with all of us having a hell of a good time together.
Yeah, all of you haters out there trying to say the whole becoming a lesbian thing ruined my life? Well you can go and do what I’ve been telling you to go and do this entire fucking time.
So to recap for everybody who’s been reading this whole thing since the beginning. Originally I thought love was a lie. That it was something people pretended to be in because that’s what society told them they were supposed to do to get laid. Like it was a thing everyone did more out of habit and cultural inertia than anything else.
I’ve learned just how ridiculous that was, and it turns out the reason I felt that way was because I was totally a lesbian.
And have I learned anything when it comes to breaking people up?
Well now. That’s probably the single most interesting wrinkle in this whole story. Some of you might’ve noticed that I’ve been making reference to the national and international audience that’s picked up on this thing.
It turns out Ashley Timmons the breakup artist has gone viral. Particularly the info dump I dropped showing all the intel I’ve gathered on all you idiots who thought you could cheat on your significant others or do other shady shit.
Yeah, you’re not getting away with that crap with this sheriff in town.
And to be fair I never said I was going stop doing what I did. Sure I might have made reference to the whole thing with Steve being my last breakup ever or something, but again, unreliable narrator. You all should know by now that you can’t trust a thing I say.
The point I’m trying to get at is the breakup artist finally found love, finally realized love is real, and that’s made me come to another realization.
Stay with me here, because I promise this isn’t me making shit up to feel better about what I’m doing.
Other people shouldn’t be held back from love because they’re in a relationship that isn’t giving them everything they need. So I’m going to make it my mission to split up those relationships that need to be split up. I haven’t changed my stance on that.
And it turns out I’m going to have an opportunity to do what I do best on a way bigger stage than one high school. That national and international audience has brought me to the attention of some very interesting peop
le who are interested in buying my services. Which means…
That’s right bitches. All of you might be talking about how you’re going off to college next year, but it looks like Ashley Timmons the breakup artist is going to be spending at least a little bit of time this next summer seeing if her side business has some legs.
The breakup artist is in love, happier than ever, and now I’m about to go international! So watch out, because no one’s safe! Mwahaha!
Love and kisses bitches. Have fun in the comments while I’m living the high life. I might even tell you about it someday if I’m feeling nice.
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