Guilty as Sin

by Rita Hestand

  "Alright. I'll take the stage out and you follow, and I'll ask them to stop quickly. How is that."

  He nodded and started to leave. His heart was heavy. He wanted to tell her, but somehow in her white clothes and looking so ladylike, he felt strange around her now. Had he made the right decision? She seemed different somehow.

  The days passed slowly but the day the stage pulled into the fort Moon readied himself.

  They were having a dance that evening and the next day the stage would leave.

  Moon heard the music from the dance hall. Some of the scouts attended to eat and some even played music at the dance. Moon was too nervous to attend. He only had his Indian attire on and that wouldn't do at a dance.

  He went behind the building to check the fort fence there. There were no guards close and he needed to think about all of this.

  Lissa hadn't spoken to him since that night and he felt very out of place here. Had he done the right thing by following? Maybe Jack had it all wrong. Maybe she didn't love him in that manner. Come to think of it, how could she love an Indian, and yet he remembered their kisses.

  Perhaps she realized her white side and preferred it. He felt pulled in many directions. He should have admitted how he felt about her, but her greeting was not a welcome one. Maybe he should leave and let her be on her way to a white life again.

  He shouldn’t have taken Jack's word that she loved him. Jack was a romantic and a dreamer. For a long time now, he'd urged Moon to find a woman of his own. But Moon hadn't. When Lissa came along, it all began to fit, and then suddenly, here, it didn't.

  He had squat down in the back where he met Lissa last time and was fussing at himself when she came strolling up to him.

  He whipped around and saw her standing there in a beautiful blue flowing gown and he felt tongue tied. It was a lovely gown, and she fit it so well. He couldn’t take his eyes from her.

  "W-what are you doing out here?" he asked breathlessly.

  "I thought I saw you out here and I came to find out if it was you."

  "You should be at the party."

  "Why didn't you come?" Her voice was softer now, and there was distress on her face.

  "Dressed like this?" he asked looking down at himself.

  "Have you ever danced?"

  "No, not like the white people dance."

  "Would you like me to show you how?" she asked.

  "Is this something you really want?" he asked staring into her eyes.

  "Yes," she whispered.

  "Then show me," he told her with a grimace.

  "Put your hand here, and here," she directed him. Then she began humming a song and she showed him how to step. He was clumsy, but she didn't laugh. "That's it."

  When he suddenly stopped, she backed up and smiled, "It's hard to be a white man, isn't it?"

  "Is that what you'd like me to be?" he asked sharply.

  "Now you know how it feels for me to be a white man." She chuckled.

  "Yes, now I know. And what of being a half-breed Indian woman. What of being my wife, Lissa?"

  "Do you honestly think it will work?" her voice held hope. He had heard it.

  "My God showed me it would. That's why I came after you. But… it is your choice."

  "Marriage is a big step Moon. I never considered marrying someone I wouldn’t stay married to."

  "It is a lifetime commitment Lissa, for you and for me."

  "But a lifetime without love, that's a long time Moon." She told him softly.

  Suddenly he backed her against the building wall, his hands came up to her cheeks, his thumbs caressing her there and he stared into her shining eyes. "I cannot say what day or night I fell in love with you Lissa, but it happened. Each kiss we shared I treasured in my heart with the knowledge that an Indian man couldn't have a white woman as his own. I thought when I first kissed you, you'd be cold and not invite another, but you were warm, and your lips answered mine. I could not forget such a thing. But," he turned away suddenly as though hurt. "If you have forgotten and no longer feel the same, I understand and will go my way."

  "You love me… " she gasped her eyes shining into his.

  "I did not choose to." He whirled around at her as though angry.

  "Oh Moon," she sighed with a sweet smile. "I thought you'd never say those words to me. Why didn't you say them when you first showed up so unexpectedly here, you seemed angry with me?"

  "You were distant. You didn't look as though you wanted me here."

  She reached to pull him closer. "Then kiss me and let me welcome you!" she cried.

  Chapter Thirteen

  "This is not the time nor the place for such things. Anyone could come around the corner and what would they think of you kissing an Indian?" He frowned.

  "You're right of course. I should know better." She glanced around now as though expecting someone to show up. "I know I wasn't very friendly when you showed up. I'd planned to leave and never see you again. The first night I cried most of the night, I missed you so." She watched his facial expression, as though he didn't quite believe her. She went on, "The second, I cried again because it hurt to leave you and Jack and the wolves. I didn't want to leave, Moon but I thought it the only way to give you your life back. You'd become so distant."

  "My life back? You became my life when you refused to go back, when you kissed me like you meant it. When you laughed and talked and then we made a pact to stick together and you walked out of that. Jack said you loved me, I find it hard to believe, but I have come to find out if it is true."

  She stared into his eyes once more, "I have loved you from the beginning." She whispered. "For one you saved me from Earl. That kind of impresses a girl, Moon. Then… you took me with you, which I didn't expect you to give in to my plea. Then you kissed me, and everything started changing. In all my life, no one had kissed me like that, with such tenderness, such caring. And there in the rain, I was sure how I felt then, but you said nothing and after we got to Jack's you were so silent. I thought you'd rethought it and decided we could not love. But I still loved you Moon. I couldn't change it, and when you stopped kissing me, I thought you didn't really love me. It was like some beautiful adventure we had in those woods, and you chose to forget it. I didn't want to leave Moon, but I couldn't watch you walk away from me like that."

  His mouth opened but for a moment he only stared. "Then come with me and forget the stage, you can leave with me tonight."

  "I can't do that. They will expect me to board the stage. If I'm not there, they will look for me. It could get out of hand. I must leave on the stage, Moon."

  "Are you going to leave me again?" he asked, his face screwed up into a wad of frowns.

  "You said you loved me, did you mean it?"

  He wasn't facing he now and she could see the tension in his shoulders and suddenly it was gone as she turned around slowly and stared at her from a distance.

  "I love you more than my life, Lissa! And I'll do anything to make it work between us. I know I had no faith in it working between us. But I know something else now…"

  "What?"

  "That our love is stronger than anything else in my life. That to live without you for the rest of my life, would be impossible. I hungered for you, wished for you, dreamed for you. But I had no faith. After praying at the Holy Place, I felt something else, a spark of hope, a growing faith that love would prevail. I cannot live my days out without you Lissa. You have become part of me!" He told her, his eyes holding her gaze.

  "Oh Moon!" She cried moving toward him, but he put a hand up.

  "Not here, it's too dangerous." He told her.

  "Then I will follow. Are you having doubts?"

  "About what?" she asked softly coming closer.

  "About us being together so much."

  "Not if what you said was the truth?"

  "It was, but we can't act upon it right now." He told her. "This is not the place."

  "Yes, of course."

  She smiled for the first
time at him and sighed, he was always thinking of the consequences. "Moon," she put her hand on his now. "I thought I was a little too obvious about how I felt. I though myself a bit too bold. I figured you guessed it for yourself. I felt things with you I never felt before with anyone, but I wasn't sure how you felt. I didn’t want to be a burden to you or to Jack. But there is one thing you must know."

  "I am listening," he said not looking directly at her.

  "You stole my heart with the first kiss. You protected me, and I was honored. You let me come with you, and I was grateful, but when you kissed me… I fell in love with the man you are, Moon. Being Indian had nothing to do with my feelings for you. You are a man, a great man, and I am a woman. And you treated me like one. How could I not fall in love with you Moon!"

  He took her hands and kissed them, his gaze connecting with hers now. It was the slow way he kissed them, the way he didn't seem to want to let go of her that made her swoon.

  "That is all I need to know." He said in a breathless whisper and backed away. "Go now, I will follow the stagecoach tomorrow."

  She nodded and walked back to the dance hall. She turned her head to look over her shoulder at him and smiled.

  Moon watched her, his heart beating like a drum. She looked so lovely. And her words filled him.

  Still, even with all the love that was flowing between them, he had to concentrate on getting things done. First, he would get her away from the stagecoach, then he had to find a Catholic Church that would marry them. Then he would take her home where she belonged and never let her go again. The words she spoke filled him with pride and love. He wanted to say so much to her, but there would be another time, a better time for doing so. Now that he knew she loved him, nothing was impossible.

  Cole followed him back to the barracks where the scouts slept.

  "Thought you were leaving." Joe Blue Knife told him.

  He was a good scout, and around the same age as Moon. He was from the Southern Arapaho, but they had a lot in common. Joe spoke English as well as he did, and he was accustomed to the white's ways.

  Moon smiled, "I am leaving tomorrow, but I might as well get a good night's sleep first."

  Joe nodded, "Any time you want a job here, let me know. The pay isn't bad."

  "Thank you, I might take you up on that someday." Moon told him. "I work with a miner most of the time and do some mustanging around the mountains."

  "You can make good money with the mustangs." Joe nodded.

  "Yes, it pays well."

  "You gonna get that squaw?" Joe chuckled.

  "As a matter of fact, I am, very soon."

  "Well, so you are settling down then?"

  "Yes, it is time."

  "I wish I could find a squaw, most of them live at the reservation, and I don't go there very often. I kind of like some of the white girls around here too, the ones in the saloon are very friendly and they don't care if your Indian either."

  "Say, you know where I might find a Catholic church around close?"

  "Catholic Church, you go to their church?"

  "No, my friend back home does, but he wanted me to say a prayer for him there. He's been down in his back this past year." Moon lied. "I promised him I would do it."

  "Oh well, there's St. Christopher's down in the valley. It's not that far, I can hear the bells ringing from it on Sundays from here."

  "That's good to know. I'll go there then. I promised him."

  "Hope he gets well."

  "He's getting up in age, so everything hurts, but I try to keep him laughing."

  "Yes, to laugh is good for the soul."

  Moon smiled, "I agree."

  "What did you do with that wolf?"

  "He's outside the door. Didn't want to scare anyone in here. Some seemed a bit uneasy with him inside."

  "He's a fine-looking animal, and very well trained. Well, good night, and if I don't see you in the morning, good luck to you."

  "Thanks Joe, I appreciate it, and the same to you."

  "Say," Joe stopped and thought for a moment before he spoke. "Would you be interested in training a couple of wolves for me and another fella?"

  "I guess so. Are you interested?"

  "Very, they'd come in handy when we have to hunt someone or some animal down. I'd like trackers the best."

  "Tell you what, when I get home me and my friend will see into this. If we can get a pair, I'll bring them to you once they are trained, it might take a few months, but I will do it."

  "Thanks, they sure would come in handy, be little less work for us here."

  "Alright."

  "I might even get the army to pay for them."

  "That's a good idea. Then I'll get busy with it soon."

  "Thanks."

  Moon laid in the bunk Joe pointed to and he was asleep quickly. He wanted to dream about making Lissa his. He wanted to dream about the things she said to him, for he knew he would carry them in his heart all his life. The time had come to speak of their love and her admission only made him stronger and more determined to make his new plan work.

  The next day though it came a horrible storm, so the stage laid over another day. Moon was disappointed but he couldn't keep visiting with Lissa, someone might see them.

  Lissa saw him from a distance and shrugged.

  The storm was quite violent and several times Moon walked out on the veranda and watched it. The lightning was fierce, and the thunder roared. He was sure there would be trees down and a mess on the roads.

  The following day the stage left, and Moon followed.

  He followed along on foot and waited until he saw it stopping. He hid in the bushes so no one would know he was about.

  Lissa got out and waved at the driver. "I'm sorry I can't return your stage fees ma'am but it's company policy." The stage driver told her. "Are you sure you don't want to make the trip?"

  "I'm sure but thank you." She smiled.

  He whipped the horses and the stage rolled down the pathway.

  She looked about as she didn't see Moon at first, but he waited until the stage had pulled away and left out of sight before he came out of the bushes.

  ***

  She came running up to him. But she pulled short of getting too close.

  "So, where to now?" she asked a bit breathlessly.

  "There is a church not far from here. But first we must make you look like a half-breed."

  She sighed, "What must I do now?"

  "The only thing you will need is this dress, and the legging I made you, you still have them?"

  "Yes, they are in this bag." She showed him a big valise she carried.

  "Good, go behind those trees and change into this dress and put your leggings on. And you must wear a wig. Not many Indians have red hair, and it is a giveaway to your identity too."

  She made a face, "Alright, I'll be right out."

  She went behind the bushes and was gone some time before she finally came out again.

  "It took you long enough," he fretted, but when he turned to look at her, he gasped.

  "What's wrong?" she asked.

  He shook his head and a slow burning smile lit his lips. "You were lovely as a white woman, even lovelier the other night in that beautiful dress, but in this… you look like a breed. And I can hardly wait to make you mine."

  She smiled a beautiful blush crept up her cheeks, "Thanks, I guess. This dress is beautiful, did you pick it out."

  "Yes, for our wedding."

  "We're going to marry now?" She gasped.

  "Yes, I do not wish to wait another moment. Your words have swelled my heart and I cannot wait to make you mine." He stared now into her eyes, his eyes gleaming into hers.

  "And since we've been gone a while, people might notice and I have the story ready for them, that I found and married you from the reservation. And brought you home as my bride. If we keep this disguise and the lie, we agreed upon, there should be no reason to worry for the rest of our lives."

  "That's good Mo
on, you've really been working hard to cover all the angles of this, haven't you?"

  "It's important. But once established in everyone's mind, we will have little trouble."

  She smiled. "It's hard to believe, we're getting married. I mean, it is for the rest of our lives, isn't it?"

  "Yes, for the rest of our lives sweet Lissa. Any regrets?" He asked staring into her lovely eyes.

  "No Moon, no regrets. You sure you want to marry an old-maid schoolteacher?" she laughed.

  "You sure you want to marry an Indian?"

  She smiled. "I'm very sure, Moon."

  He took her hand and held it tight, they walked down into the valley. The church wasn't hard to find with its high steeple.

  Several nuns came out and smiled at them.

  Moon told Cole to wait outside until they came out. Cole laid down by the door. They opened the door to the church and Lissa was taken with the beautiful statue of Jesus on the cross and Mary standing below him weeping. "Isn't it beautiful?"

  "Yes, it is. I have never been inside a Catholic Church."

  "Most of them are beautiful." Lissa told him.

  "Is this your religion?"

  "No, but I love their churches." She smiled. "My father used to take me to them as he talked with the priest about different tribes. As poor as most villagers are, the churches are always beautiful. The people give all they can so freely."

  Directly a priest came out to greet them.

  "Hello, my children, come, what can I do for you? I'm Father Michaels."

  "We want to get married." Moon told the priest.

  "Married?" The priest looked from him to her. "Are you Catholic?"

  "I am!" Lissa told him without hesitancy.

  "I see, well then. Are you Arapaho?"

  "Yes," Moon answered, "She's a breed."

  "Aw… I see." The priest said as though he suddenly understood. "Well, then I can perform the ceremony for you. Let me step outside and see if I can get some willing witnesses for you."

  Moon waited, a bit nervously.

  Lissa smiled, "It's hard to believe we are doing this. I guess I never thought I would marry."

  "I too never thought I would, until I met you." He smiled.