Keeping Secrets

by Parker, Weston

  “You’re not,” he said quietly. “You’re not supposed to have to explain stuff like this when your kids are so young because they’re not supposed to lose their parents before they can even know who they are.”

  Clark knew how much Alice had meant to me, but he also knew better than to try telling me shit like how she was in a better place. I knew that, but it didn’t help me feel any fucking better. So he validated what I did feel instead. “It’s just so fucking unfair, man. She was in the prime of her life, a new mom. Why her?”

  He shook his head, not even trying to give me an empty answer. Instead, he just sat there with me while I breathed deeply, trying to banish the demons flying around in my head.

  “Look,” he said eventually. “After my interview yesterday, I spoke to my new manager. Guy called Guy. You’d like him. Anyway, I told him I wasn’t ready to jump into a full-fledged tour as a solo artist without an album of my own released yet, and he agreed.”

  “What?” I frowned, confused as to why he was bringing this up now. “Why are you telling me?”

  “Because we’ve decided to do a short, acoustic tour of the album as it releases. You wrote all the songs on it, whether recently or months ago. The album drops in a few days. Then the tour kicks off. Like I said, it’ll be short and totally acoustic.”

  “Okay, why are telling me?” I repeated my earlier question. “I’ve already told you I’m not hitting the road again right now.”

  “I know, but haven’t things changed since then?” he asked, no judgment in his tone. He wasn’t trying to convince me either. He was simply asking as a matter of fact. “You came here to get your head clear and your shit together, but your head’s all fucked up again, and your shit seems even farther flung that it was before.”

  “Can’t argue with that.”

  He rested his forearms on the table. “It might do you some good to get out of here, even if just for a little while. I know Winter loves her school, but you can always come back. Hell, you don’t even need to sign on for the whole tour. You can just do whatever shows you want to and come back when you’re sick of being on the road.”

  I squeezed the back of my neck hard. The hollow space in my chest burned. A million objections raced through my head, but I couldn’t grab hold of any of them.

  What Clark was offering me felt like a lifeline. I’d been feeling like I was being tossed around in a turbulent ocean and a lifeguard had just yanked me up by the arm right before my head went under.

  If we stayed here, we’d keep seeing Tiffeny. In my current frame of mind, I was going to end up hurting her. I didn’t want to, even though it was kind of inevitable now that it was going to happen, no matter which choice I made here.

  If we stayed here, Winter was going to see her whether I did or not. She went to Winter’s day-care at least once a week. What that meant was that Winter was going to keep spending time with her and feeling more and more for her.

  If we stayed here, I’d keep betraying Alice’s memory, and I couldn’t fucking do that to her.

  “You’re right,” I said to Clark, pulling back my shoulders and feeling clarity seeping into my brain for the first time in a whole day. “That’s exactly what we have to do. I’m in.”

  Chapter 32

  Tiffeny

  I knocked on Callen’s front door with my breath stuck in my lungs. I felt an intense urge to bolt instead of announcing my presence to them, but I waited for someone to open up. No one did.

  There weren’t any cars in the driveway, but they had a garage, so that didn’t mean they definitely weren’t home. Lifting a shaky hand, I knocked again.

  While I waited for a response, I tipped my head back and let the sunlight warm my face. It was such a beautiful day. The sky was robin’s egg blue with puffy white clouds floating above. I heard waves gently crashing to the shore and the cries of seagulls in the air.

  To the rest of the world, it was an ordinary Monday morning, the kind of day that made you wish it was still the weekend so you could spend some time on the beach instead of going to work.

  Logically, I knew I couldn’t technically be the only person in the entire world for whom this day would change everything, but it sure felt that way. A pregnancy test had confirmed my mother’s suspicions over the weekend. Seven pregnancy tests, in fact.

  One part of my brain kept hammering out a to-do list. I didn’t know much about the first trimester of pregnancy, but I did know there were steps that needed to be taken. A blood test would have to be done. An appointment would have to be made with a doctor. Those prenatal vitamins my mom had mentioned had to be purchased, and I probably had to do some research on what to eat and what to stay away from.

  The part of my brain making that list was overpowered by the other, though. And that part was perfectly content to stick its head in the sand and pretend this wasn’t happening. Just like a fucking ostrich.

  I had spent all weekend at home alone, listening to the latter part, eating ice cream, and losing myself in the dystopian world created by a book I’d been wanting to read for a while, but I knew it was time to get back to the real world.

  No other Monday had brought the contrast between the reprieve brought along by the weekend into such sharp focus as this one. Usually, the shop was open over weekends, for a few hours at least, so Mondays didn’t bother me so much.

  I’d not only not opened the shop this weekend but also had some pretty huge news to tell the guy I was seeing, so this Monday morning had been a rough one for me. It had taken everything in my exhausted body to heave myself out of bed to come here.

  No one answered my second knock either. Sighing as I pushed my fingers through my loose hair, I bunched it up at the nape of my neck and fought back a wave of tears. He’s not here.

  Regardless of how great a father he was to Winter, Callen and I had only known each other just over a couple of months. I had no idea how he was going to react to the news, but I had to tell him. It was the right thing to do.

  After taking those tests on Saturday, I’d considered calling him. My phone had even been in my hand a few times with his number up on the screen, but I hadn’t been able to bring myself to do it.

  Instead, I’d decided to take the weekend to come to terms with the news myself. Then I would deliver the news to him in person on Monday, which felt like the right way to do it. Now that it was Monday, I regretted that decision to wait.

  I’d stuck to it, though, coming here to tell him the truth before I went to work. Since he wasn’t here, I wondered if I could just wait until I saw him again to tell him.

  No, you need to get this done, whispered the small rational part of my brain that remained after the shock. He deserves to know the truth. It’s his baby too, even if he decides he wants nothing to do with it in the end.

  Sucking in a deep breath through my nostrils, I nodded to myself. I sighed as I walked back to my car and climbed in. I rested my forehead against my fingers, wrapped around the steering wheel.

  Whatever Callen ended up deciding about the baby, it was still his decision to make. In order to make that decision, he needed to be told the truth.

  I swallowed a lump in my throat and dug out my phone. This was the kind of news it was better to deliver in person, but I needed to find out where he was so I could do it.

  At the very least, I needed to find out when I could see him if now wasn’t a good time for him to talk. Clutching my phone in a death grip, I scrolled to his number and, before I could chicken out again, pressed the dial button.

  The phone was pressed so tight against my ear it hurt, but I couldn’t bring myself to move a muscle to relieve the pressure. Just when I thought Callen wasn’t going to answer and felt this first fluttering of relief that I was getting another reprieve, his deep voice flowed through the speaker.

  “Hi.” One syllable only, but already I could tell something was off with him. When he didn’t follow it up by asking how I was or even what I wanted, I knew I was right.

&nb
sp; “Hi,” I said, my voice smaller than I was proud of. “How are you?”

  “Fine.” Only one word again. Silence at his end of the line.

  I cleared my throat again when the lump started to rise once more. “That’s good. Uh, I need to talk to you about something. Have you got any free time today?”

  “No.” I thought he was going to stick to that one word again, but then a heavy sigh came through the line, and his voice became agitated. “Look, I’m actually glad you called. I was going to call you later anyway.”

  “Okay.” I sucked my lower lip into my mouth and sank my teeth into it. Whatever was about to happen was not going to be good. I felt it all the way down to my bones. “What did you want to talk about?”

  There was a pause, during which I could practically see him scrubbing his face with his hands. “Us.”

  One word again, but this one cut through me like the hot slice of a blade at the inside of my ribs. I inhaled a sharp breath and closed my eyes. “What about us?”

  “Things between us are moving too fast for me and Winter.” There was no pause this time, no hesitation. “Clark asked me to go with him on an acoustic tour for the new album, and we’re going. Until we take off, I’m going to be working with him to get ready to perform these songs. I won’t be able to see you again before we leave. I’m sorry, Tiffeny. We’re just not ready for this.”

  He’s not ready for this? My hand dropped to my belly, where somewhere deep inside there was a little person I sure as hell wasn’t ready for either. Yet I wasn’t running away.

  Betrayal, fury, and unfairness burned hot and heavy through my veins at the same time that loss and pain stabbed at my heart and forced tears to my eyes. God, my emotions are such a mess right now.

  “So, what then? You decide you’re just not ready for this, whatever the hell that means, and you can’t even give me ten minutes of your precious time to talk to me in person?” My voice came out fierce and unwavering, which I was damn thankful for.

  No matter what, I wouldn’t let him hear the emotional storm ripping through my insides right then. I wouldn’t allow him to have the satisfaction of knowing he was leaving a broken heart in his wake.

  Maybe my heart wasn’t even really broken. I didn’t know what was coming from me anymore and what was being thrown at me by my rampant emotions. But it hardly mattered. I felt the way I felt no matter what was causing it.

  “You said you were okay with whatever this was, Tiffeny. You’re the one who said it didn’t have to be anything more than it was, and this was all it was. This is my life, making music, touring. It’s time for me to hit the road again.”

  “Yeah, I did say that,” I bit out, fighting to keep my voice from cracking. The fierceness had vanished. It sounded nothing but flat now. “You said you were done with touring, though. You said you just wanted to spend some quiet time with Winter until she got mean in her teens. Do you remember that?”

  “Exactly. Spend some quiet time with Winter. That was all I wanted. I never meant to hurt you, Tiffeny. I never meant to do anything to or with you at all. I wish there was more I could say, but there isn’t. I really am sorry.”

  So am I. “Break a leg on tour, Callen. Tell Winter I said goodbye.”

  My voice finally cracked on the last word, and with nothing left to say anyway, I hung up. Well, there was one more thing I could have said. Oh, by the way, I’m pregnant and it’s yours.

  But no.

  I couldn’t say that under the circumstances. Whatever his reaction would have been, I didn’t want to force his hand. He was leaving, going on tour with Clark, and he might not ever come back.

  Instinctively rubbing my hand over my belly again, even though I couldn’t feel anything there yet, I bowed my head. We’re in this together, you and I.

  Memories of Winter telling me she didn’t have a mother flooded my brain, conjuring images of another little person with Callen’s eyes saying they didn’t have a father. My own eyes squeezed shut against the onslaught of tears pouring out of them.

  I couldn’t stop them and I didn’t try. My earlier resoluteness that it was up to Callen what he did with the news flew out the window. He’d made his decision, whether or not he knew exactly what it was he was leaving behind.

  He clearly didn’t want me anymore, which was fine. I wasn’t saddling this kid with a father who didn’t want them either. Although it wasn’t something I had planned for, not something I had wanted at this point in my life, at that moment, the need to protect this little person slammed into me with the force of a fighter jet in full flight.

  It was up to me to do for it what Callen had done for Winter. All those things I had admired about him were now qualities I’d have to grow into myself. I could do it. I knew I could. As much as it would hurt to have to do it alone, if he could do it, so could I.

  How long I sat in that driveway crying, I didn’t know. When I eventually looked at the clock on my dashboard, I saw that it had been over an hour, which meant that it was time for me to stuff all these out of control emotions into a lockbox in my mind and get to work.

  As it was, I’d lost out on business for the last two days. I couldn’t afford to lose another day. Especially not now that there were going to be all these other expenses I had to cover.

  The thought of asking Callen for child support flitted across my mind, but I banished it. My rent at the shop was paid up for six months, so at least I had some time to figure things out.

  As much as I didn’t want to rely on my mother for financial support, I’d rather go to her than go to Callen. I knew my mind might change eventually, but for now, that was how I felt.

  I drove to my shop in a daze, wiping my tears before I got out of the car. I knew my eyes would be puffy and red, but hopefully, I wouldn’t have a customer until I could get myself under control.

  It turned out it wasn’t a customer that caused the bell above the door to jingle first, but Julia. She took one look at me before she rushed over and enveloped me in her arms. “What’s wrong, babe? What happened?”

  “Nothing, I—”

  “Don’t lie to me, Tiff. There are literally tears streaming down your face and it doesn’t look like they’re the first of the day.”

  Well shit. I hadn’t even realized the tears were still falling. “It’s Callen. They’re gone, Jules, and I don’t think they’re coming back.”

  Chapter 33

  Callen

  After a month of being back on the road, back onstage with Clark, it felt like Myrtle Beach had never happened. The only sign that those couple of months had been real was the gaping Tiffeny-shaped hole in my heart.

  I hadn’t even realized I’d given her a part of it until it was too late, but it was too late. It didn’t matter that part of my heart belonged to her now because leaving hadn’t been about me. It had been all about Winter and it still was.

  Clark gripped his microphone and threw his head back, belting out the last lyrics of our last song of the night. The crowd waited for the last note of his voice and my guitar to fade, then went crazy.

  It had been this way on every one of our stops so far. I’d been surprised at first by the amount of fans who were willing to come out for only Clark and me, but there were tons of them.

  We’d talked about contacting the other guys too. Literally getting the old band back together again. They’d all moved on for now, though. All of them had signed contracts for the time Kraken was supposed to be on hiatus, and none of them were too eager to even try to get out of them.

  It was okay, though. Clark and I were having a blast doing the acoustic shit we’d always wanted to do and calling all the shots on what kind of music we wanted to make. We even decided on the venues we wanted to play and chose mostly venues with natural acoustics where we could find them, opting for intimate instead of larger crowds.

  All of those things had contributed to the fact that I’d lasted out this month, even though I knew Winter wasn’t happy being back on the road again. C
lark and I were killing it out there every night. I threw myself into the music with a fervor I’d forgotten I possessed for performing, allowing it to drown out the doubts about coming on tour, thoughts about Tiffeny and whether I’d done the right thing for my daughter.

  Lights blinded me and sweat poured down my back as Clark and I took our bows. We’d already played the encore and it was time for us to get offstage.

  Clark wasn’t doing those last victory laps anymore. We simply both threw up our hands and waved as we made our way from the stage.

  There were only a few fans waiting for us backstage, another perk of having so much more say in the tour. We got to pick shows where only a limited amount of people were allowed, so long as we paid proper attention to fans with backstage passes at the bigger venues.

  I had a feeling that last condition had been written in after Clark told the label I was joining him on tour, considering I’d been known for shoving my way past fans to get to my dressing room in the past.

  Clark and I both stopped for selfies and autographs now, smiling wide and making small talk while we did. Of course, Clark had always done this. It was kind of new for me.

  All in all, I wasn’t miserable. I just had some looming feelings that came to the fore in the dark of night when the music was quiet and the lights were off.

  “How are you doing, bro?” Clark asked when we walked into the main area of the dressing room we shared at this venue. “You seemed a little preoccupied after we got offstage.”

  “I’m fine. I just have a lot on my mind.” I twisted the top off an ice-cold bottle of water I grabbed from the fridge and drained the whole thing in one go.

  Clark pulled his sweat-soaked shirt over his head, letting it fall to the floor before taking the bottle of water I offered him. “You know you don’t have to fake it with me, right? This isn’t an interview. You’ve been holding up fucking well since we left South Carolina, but don’t think I haven’t noticed that weight that’s been settling on your shoulders again recently.”