Not into you

by Charlotte Byrd

  She doesn’t move away from the door.

  “Can I get by, please?” I ask. “I really have to get back.”

  Finally, she moves out of the way. Very reluctantly.

  “You promise?” she asks. “You promise that nothing happened between you and Hudson?”

  “Yes, yes, I promise,” I lie.

  I don’t even know how to begin to answer that question.

  I walk out of Tea’s building with the certain sense that she didn’t believe me. Honestly, I wasn’t very convincing, but it’s not my place to be. I’m mad at Hudson for a very legitimate reason, but it’s not one that I can share with her without hurting her feelings and embarrassing her. This is Hudson’s thing. It’s his responsibility to tell her or not tell her.

  “Agh!” I scream in the elevator. “Shit. Shit. Shit, Hudson. Why do you have to be such an asshole?”

  The elevator dings and the doors open. Two people enter and I take a deep breath. No more outbursts, I say to myself and bite my lower lip to keep quiet.

  39

  I pack an overnight bag for the cabin. It’s not really upstate upstate because it’s only two hours outside of Manhattan but New Yorkers have a curious tendency to call everything outside of Manhattan upstate.

  Looking through my closet, I don’t know what to bring. I look up the weather on my phone. It should be in the high 40s and low 50s there this weekend. So really cold, at least for me. I know it’s going to get even colder.

  I pull a small suitcase from under my bed. I’m not a good packer. I don’t do it often and I lack practice, at least according to my parents who both fly practically every week and don’t think that there’s anything unusual about that. My head hurts and my arms feel heavy when I look through my closet for appropriate sweaters. I hate to admit it, but the main reason I’m having trouble packing is that I don’t really want to go. I’m not in that place yet with Simon. The going away for the weekend place. Why was he so insistent on us going? Why the hell did he go ahead and book this place without even consulting me? Girls like spontaneity in relationships. They like it when guys take initiative and book romantic getaways all on their own. I’m not different, of course. Except that what most girls won’t tell you is that we only want spontaneity from guys we already want to go on trips with. Otherwise, it’s awkward. Uncomfortable. Full of pressure.

  If Simon had asked me about this trip before booking it, I would’ve said no, but he didn’t. He just said that he had booked it and that he couldn’t cancel without losing all of his money. That’s a lot of pressure.

  I look the cabin up on my phone. It looks cozy and warm. A cute mountain getaway. If it weren’t for Simon, I’d be really excited about going on this trip. I haven’t been outside of New York City ever since I’ve been here and I’m really curious about checking out the nature on the East Coast. It’s completely different from the kind of nature that I’m used to.

  A knock on my open door breaks my concentration, startling me. I almost drop my phone.

  What? I mouth to Hudson. He motions that the music is too loud. Reluctantly, I turn down Elle King’s “Ex’s and Oh’s” and turn to him.

  Hudson is leaning on the frame of the door. It looks as if he’s actually holding it up.

  “Can I talk to you?” he asks. There’s something unusual about his demeanor. He looks lost, somehow. Vulnerable.

  I don’t say anything and turn back to my packing.

  “Alice?”

  “Go, talk,” I say, folding my favorite purple merino wool sweater with a wide turtleneck into my bag.

  “Is that the sweater that I got you for Christmas last year?” he asks.

  I nod and put another sweater on top of it. I won’t admit it out loud, but it’s one of my favorites.

  “I’m glad you love it,” he says quietly.

  I look up at him. His hazel eyes look green in this light and they search my face for something. Whatever he has to talk to me about is serious.

  “I do love it,” I admit it.

  I can’t lie. I don’t usually like wool. It’s usually bulky and hot or just itches like hell, but this sweater is amazing. Super comfortable and soft. Never itchy. It also goes with practically everything. Tights. Jeans. Even pajamas.

  Hudson gave it to me on Christmas Eve on the beach in Malibu. We spent the day together surfing and kissing and drinking wine coolers. After having a picnic on the beach and watching the sun set, he handed me the box with the sweater. It cost him a month of his allowance.

  “What do you want, Hudson?”

  “I heard that you’re going away with that guy. Simon.”

  I shrug.

  “Are you?”

  “I’m packing, aren’t I?” I ask. That’s bitchy and so not me. I regret saying that, but I won’t apologize.

  “For how long?”

  “Not long. Tomorrow through Sunday.”

  “That’s long, Alice. Very long,” he says. I stare at him. I have no idea where this is coming from.

  “Do you think this is too soon?” he asks.

  My patience is wearing thin. We’re not even talking and now I’m supposed to stand here and listen to a lecture about too soon from my ex?

  “Too soon? Are you insane?” I say. “Get the hell out, Hudson.”

  I try to close the door, but he puts his foot in the crack. “No, listen, Alice. This has nothing to do with me. I’m just worried.”

  I roll my eyes.

  “You know that jealous ex-boyfriend act is getting really old, Hudson. I’m sick of it.”

  “No, it has nothing to do with that,” he says. The way he says it, I suddenly believe him. There’s sincerity in his voice.

  “I found out something about Simon,” Hudson says.

  “What?” I ask before I have a chance to think about it. “No, you know what, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care.”

  “Alice, please. Listen. I don’t want you to go,” Hudson says. His eyes tighten. Pupils dilate.

  “I don’t care what you want. This is none of your business,” I say, refusing to acknowledge the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach that says that maybe he’s right.

  “He does drugs, Alice,” Hudson finally comes out with it. “I didn’t want to tell you, but you forced me and I don’t mean that he smokes a little pot on weekends. Cocaine. Meth. And a lot of it.”

  “Meth? Are you serious?” I ask, rolling my eyes. I definitely don’t believe that. “He does not. That’s a lie.”

  “I heard it from Juliet a while ago. She heard it from someone else.”

  “Oh, wow, who can argue with testimony from ‘someone else,’” I say mockingly.

  Hudson ignores me and continues, “I didn’t want to say anything at first ‘cause I thought you’d just find out on your own. Then I heard that you were going away with him.”

  “I don’t believe you.” I shrug.

  “He’s been arrested, Alice. He’s got a record.”

  I shrug. I don’t know anything about this but I don’t disbelieve Hudson. I just don’t want to give him the satisfaction. Besides, is a record enough of a reason to cancel? It’s a great excuse, I suddenly realize. Then I look at Hudson. He’s searching my face for some hope that I’m with him. No, I can’t give into him.

  “Alice, please, don’t go. I have a bad feeling about this.”

  “Hudson, I don’t understand what you want from me,” I say, even though he had just answered my question. I take a deep breath and try again. “Hudson, we’re over. Don’t you know that? Why are you going around finding out dirt on my boyfriend?”

  He doesn’t respond. Hoping that he’ll just leave, I go back to packing.

  “Alice…” he starts, but I cut him off.

  “You’re just jealous, Hudson. We’re not together and I’m not talking to you anymore because you’re an asshole. And now you’re mad. You want to make my life difficult. Really, I thought you were better than just a gossip.”

  He shakes his he
ad, but doesn’t make a move to leave.

  “By the way, please don’t put me in the middle of you and Tea, whatever it is you two have going. She knows that I’m mad at you for some reason, but she doesn’t know why. She was pestering me about it. I don’t want to be involved in your drama, Hudson. You got that?” I say.

  I turn toward him. He’s still standing in the doorway.

  “Alice, please,” he tries again. I’m over it. I kick his foot out of the doorframe and slam the door in his face.

  40

  Simon has rented a car for the occasion. I haven’t been in a car that wasn’t a cab in more than two months and I feel excited. I honestly didn’t know how I’d miss the car and the freedom that comes with driving until I am back in one. Simon lets me drive even though the rental car isn’t under my name. Sitting at the wheel again after all of this time makes me realize how confined I’d felt living in New York City. I can go anywhere. I can drive all day and get to Canada or drive eighteen hours and be in Florida or four days and end up back home in LA.

  “How do people live in the city their whole lives without going anywhere?” I ask Simon, rhetorically.

  “Many New Yorkers think that going across the park is a huge deal.” He shrugs.

  “Well, I sort of get that.” I smile. “You have to take the bus or change trains, but if you had a car…”

  I let my words trail off as I imagine all the wonderful places that I could go and all the things I could see if I had a car. Connecticut. Boston. Maine. Fuck, even Newfoundland.

  Unfortunately, I won’t be going to any of those places today. Within two hours, we arrive at a little outcrop of cabins in a forest. This place isn’t far away, but it feels like we’ve traveled to another universe. A world in which Manhattan and all of its lights and craziness doesn’t exist. The trees glisten in the sunlight. Not a single leaf is green; all are different shades of fall: yellow, orange, red, gold. A light wind blows in and a few gold ones detach and dance under the cloudless sky. The air is crisp and smells of dew and fresh pine.

  “It’s beautiful,” I whisper, immediately forgetting all of my concerns about coming here

  Nature always puts me at ease. Unlike in New York where getting to nature, real nature, requires a car rental. Back home, getting immersed in nature is a piece of cake. Wilderness is only a five to ten minute drive away, depending on where you live. Despite what many people think, Southern California is a wild place. Its mountains and hills are filled with mountain lions and coyotes. Even in the suburbs, where my parents live, coyotes often come right up to the house to sing their screeching songs of hope and loss.

  Being back here in the wild, on Peekamoose Mountain, I feel homesick and at peace at the same time.

  “You know, I’m really glad that I came out here with you,” I say. “I wasn’t so sure at first, but now that we’re here, it feels really nice. I really needed a break from the city.”

  Simon smiles at me, the kind of smile that uses his whole face. His eyes twinkle and his cheeks get flushed.

  After an hour-long hike, we come back to the cabin energetic and more alive than before. We laughed practically the whole time we hiked and my sides hurt not so much from the exertion, but from the stitches that I got from laughing so hard.

  “I’m going to get some firewood,” Simon says. “I want to start a fire.”

  I nod and go inside the cabin. It’s definitely quaint and cozy. The advertisement didn’t lie. The bed is soft and piled with more blankets and throws that we can possibly use. There’s a big wardrobe in the corner and it temps me to unpack my bag. I open the zipper, but don’t get any further than changing my sweaty shirt for Hudson’s merino sweater. No, not Hudson’s. It’s my merino sweater. The uplifting song of a blue jay catches my attention. I walk over to the window for a better look. I admire the way the bird’s blue feathers glisten in the sun and the way she sings without a care in the world. Then, just a little further down the worn path in between the trees, I spot Simon.

  I’m about to call out to him, but something stops me. Instead, I just watch him. He drops the pile of wood he’s been carrying under his arm onto the ground and pulls out a dirty glass pipe from his pocket. He looks around to see that no one’s around and lights up. It could be weed. Growing up in LA, I know plenty of people who smoke weed. None of them do it in secret, hunched over with that paranoid look in their eye.

  I open the window. Call out his name. I want to see how he will react. He doesn’t know where my voice is coming from and crouches down behind a bush to hide. Through the shrubbery, I see him take one big drag and put the pipe into his pocket.

  A few minutes later, Simon walks back into the cabin holding the firewood with both hands.

  “What’s up?” he asks breathlessly.

  I’m sitting on the bed, not sure how or where to start. A strange feeling of malaise spread throughout me. Quickly, I realize that it’s not so much malaise, but disappointment. I really thought that Simon was better than this. I’m not even talking about his addiction. I thought that he was better than a liar.

  I can’t beat around the bush. I just have to come out and ask him, straight up.

  “What were you smoking?” I ask.

  “What? Nothing. I wasn’t smoking anything.” He backs away from me.

  “Don’t lie to me. I saw you,” I say without getting off the bed. I feel like I’m holding a one-hundred-pound rock in my lap and if I were to stand up, I’d have to take it with me.

  “Okay, okay. It’s nothing. Just something to relax.” Simon winks at me.

  He thinks he can use his charm and cuteness to avoid the conversation. To make me forget about what I saw. I can’t. It’s not just something to relax. His actions back there pretty much told me that. I don’t say anything.

  “C’mon, Alice. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

  “No.” I shake my head.

  “Let’s just forget about it. I won’t do it again, I promise.” He crouches down next to me.

  He puts his arms on my lap and looks up at me with pleading eyes. For a second, I’m tempted to just forget about it. I don’t like fighting and the cabin is quite relaxing. Then I get a whiff of his scent. Definitely not weed. I’ve never smelled meth, but that’s the only thing I can imagine it to be.

  “I can’t, sorry,” I say, pushing him away.

  The invisible one-hundred-pound rock vanishes as soon as I get up. My cheeks get flushed. I’m angry. Mad. Not entirely with Simon. I’m mad as hell at Hudson. I walk over to my bag. Turn around. Suddenly, I feel totally apathetic toward Simon. It’s like this is the excuse that I’ve been waiting for.

  “Have you ever been arrested?” I ask.

  I examine his face closely. Simon meets my eyes and doesn’t look away. His stare is disarming.

  “No,” he lies. I know it’s a lie. By the expression on his face, he knows that I know it’s a lie.

  “Okay, okay, yes.” Simon walks over to me and grabs my hand. He thinks that physical contact will make me more sympathetic to him.

  “But it was last year. It was really not a big deal, Alice.”

  “Yeah, I guess not,” I say. I pick up the few things that I’ve taken out of my bag and stuff them back inside. I’m leaving because of the drugs, but it’s just an excuse. I know it. This whole trip was way too soon for us. My only regret is that I didn’t listen to myself when I’d thought that it was too soon.

  “Where are you going?” Simon asks.

  “Home,” I say. “I’m going home.”

  “What? Why? We have this great cabin. C’mon, stay, please.”

  “I’ve had doubts about this trip before and this just confirmed it,” I say, pointing to the pocket where he put the pipe.

  “This is nothing, Alice. It’s just for fun.”

  “Really? So why were you arrested? Why did you feel the need to smoke in the bushes if it’s nothing you’re ashamed of?” I say, grabbing my bag.

  I’m grateful for the f
act that I didn’t unpack right away.

  “Alice, please. C’mon, be reasonable.”

  “I am. I don’t want to stay.”

  “Well, I do and I’m not going back to the city until Sunday,” Simon says defiantly, plopping down on the bed in protest.

  I hadn’t considered this possibility. Shit.

  “Fine,” I say after a moment.

  “What are you going to do? It’s dark out there already.”

  “I’m going to take a cab or an Uber,” I say.

  “All the way to the city? It’ll cost you a year of rent!” He laughs. I’ve never seen this side of him before. The mocking, insensitive, petulant, child side.

  “I’m going to take a cab to the train station,” I explain. I don’t know why I even bothered. It’s none of his business anymore.

  Simon jumps out of bed and meets me by the door.

  “Alice.” He puts his hand on my shoulders. I shrug him off. “Alice,” he says louder this time. “You can’t leave.”

  “I am leaving.” I turn the knob.

  “Goddamn it, Alice.” He hits the door with his fist, slamming it shut.

  He startles me. The door slams shut with such force, the hairs on the back of my arm stand up. A shudder of fear courses through my veins.

  What if he doesn’t let me leave?

  What then?

  I turn to Simon. His face is inches away from mine. I can feel his hot, fiery breath on my face. Blood drains from my cheeks and lips. My heart pounds so loudly in my chest that I hear it in my temples.

  Thump-thump.

  Thump-thump.

  Thump-thump.

  I take a deep breath. I don’t look away from him. I’m leaving this place one way or another.

  The darkness in his eyes slowly fades and the old Simon comes back to me.

  “I’m so sorry, Alice, really,” he says. He puts his head on my shoulder.