Just a Heartbeat Away

by Cara Bastone

  “Why did you break up?” Grace asked.

  Via gulped again.

  Because you can’t date one man and have a burning grain of sand in your heart for another. “It was time. We...wanted different things. I guess I realized that I’d been staying with him for the wrong reasons.”

  “Sex?” Grace asked candidly, making Shelly sputter into her stew and Via laugh at the unexpectedness of the comment. “What? I’m old, I’m not oblivious.”

  “Sex didn’t factor into the breakup,” Via said as diplomatically as possible. She tried to gather her thoughts. Normally, in this situation, she would try to think of a generic answer. But something in her told her that Grace and Shelly might actually understand if she tried to explain the real reasoning. “People who grow up with family, I think they don’t even realize how much of a tether that is. If you have your family to anchor you to Earth, then you can kind of...take some chances flying your kite. But when I lost my parents, that tether went away and I had to find other things to anchor me down. Like work and my reputation and—”

  “A nice, steady boyfriend.”

  “Exactly,” Via said, pointing her spoon at Grace. She was thrilled that Grace seemed to understand. “And after a while, I realized that it’s not fair to stay with someone for that reason. Or at least in my case, I started to feel like I was using Evan for what he could provide for me instead of staying with him because of what we had together.”

  “So, the breakup was easy then?” Shelly asked.

  Via laughed in a pained way. “No. No, it was not. It took about three days up at his parents’ house in New Paltz and it was a dramatic cry-fest the entire time. And then when it was over, even though I was relieved, I came home and the cry-fest started all over again.”

  Grace frowned at her. “Just so you know, you’ve got a perfectly good kitchen table to cry at right here.” She pointed at her kitchen. “You need to cry, call me and Shell and we’ll throw you a whole cry-party. A cry-parade. We’ll all cry together. It’ll be a bonanza. Your foster sister can bring the popcorn.”

  Via laughed and to her surprise, actually felt tears rise in her throat. How sweet was that? How sweet was all of this? She let herself relax even further.

  The evening ended up being quite nice, though it wasn’t until Via locked the door to her house behind her that she finally allowed herself a long, soothing breath. She let the gravity of what had happened in the staff meeting wash over her.

  Well, it was done. It was over. Sebastian finally knew that she’d broken up with Evan. God, Via had been stressing out over how to tell him for weeks. Or if she even should tell him. No matter how she’d sliced that particular piece of pie, every single way she’d tried to tell him ended up seeming desperate and obvious. The subtext is strong with this one.

  Seb, just so you know, Evan and I broke up. Because I have feelings for you.

  Hey, Seb, I’m fine, just going through a breakup. That you caused because you’re handsome and sweet and such a m.a.n.

  Just so you know, I’m single now.

  Yeah. That one was EXCLUSIVELY subtext.

  She’d been too scared to tell Seb because then he’d know about the dense little grain of sand between her lungs that she’d been carrying around for him ever since that night on his couch.

  And if she was honest, it wasn’t a grain of sand anymore. It was growing, ravenous, devouring the world. She felt like her feelings for Seb were the size of a soccer ball, lodged between her lungs and trying to suck everything right in. She could barely believe she’d been able to hide those feelings from Grace and Shelly tonight.

  Her feelings for Seb were made of gravity; nothing was safe. She watched a movie on TV after work, cried, thought of Seb, and just like that, Maid in Manhattan was sucked into the ball in her chest. She made lasagna that she thought Matty would like: bam! Sucked into her feelings for Seb. She saw a dog on the street that walked the way Crabby did: bang! The hungry ball of feeling was fed, always demanding more.

  She’d greedily absorbed every moment with him over the last month. She’d even stopped by the lunchroom every now and then to watch him with all the kids. Laughing with one group over a joke inside a fortune cookie. Helping one kid heat up his leftovers in the microwave. Splitting up a scuffle between fifth graders. He waded through the kids like a papa bear surrounded by cubs. It made the breath catch in her throat and her hand press over her heart.

  And of course, it made that dense ball of feeling grow even denser, even hungrier.

  Spending her birthday with him had been a dream come true. She couldn’t remember a time when she’d been happier than that night in the pillow fort. And when those gray-green eyes of his had found hers across the room? Well. God. She’d been about two moves away from curling into his lap like a kitten. Friends be damned.

  Fin had pushed her to tell him how she felt, but Via was very, very unsure. What would the point of telling Sebastian really be? This whole thing with Evan only proved to Via how much of a mess she really was. She tried to be so orderly and prepared for everything but there she went, clinging to her relationship with Evan for an embarrassingly long time. That was not the behavior of the person she wanted to be. It just showed her exactly how little she’d be suitable for someone like Seb, who needed someone reliable in his life. Not a woman who couldn’t even figure out her feelings about her own boyfriend until they nearly smashed down the door.

  She’d freaked herself out with this Evan thing. She’d thought she was so grown-up, and then she’d gone and lashed herself to someone like him. It just proved she didn’t know shit about shit.

  Except that she did know one thing. That she couldn’t stop thinking about Seb. She was pretty certain he was attracted to her. But she had no clue if he wanted anything more than that. Actually, the only evidence she had was to the contrary. He’d said that Fin was too young for him. And Via was roughly three years younger than Fin.

  She’d done the math. It wasn’t encouraging.

  She had to admit that he did seem a lot older than she did. His demeanor, the grays at his temples, his ability to keep a cool head under all circumstances. The way he listened with patience and full attention. He was never distracted by his phone or by the television. Something about him seemed old school.

  She only hoped that she didn’t seem correspondingly young to him. Empirically, she knew she wasn’t completely immature. She’d worked to have a stable, steady life. But up until a month ago, she’d had an extremely immature boyfriend, and that was points against her. She should have seen that Evan wasn’t the real McCoy. There’d been sign after sign. And she hadn’t been able to see any of them until Seb had walked into her life and shown her what grown-up really looked like.

  Her ultimate fear was that he’d see her as a girl with a crush.

  Well, she did totally have a crush on him, but that was just the topmost layer of her feelings. Her feelings were dense and strong. And, God help her, growing roots.

  Via tossed her school things on the couch and strode into her bedroom. She carefully placed her work clothes into the dry-cleaning bag and pulled on workout clothes. She’d take a jog to Fin’s. That would help clear her head.

  This wasn’t a disaster. Sebastian knew she was single now. But he hadn’t exactly seemed like he’d understood everything ELSE. That she was single because of this soccer ball of pulsing romance that just wouldn’t stop growing. So, her cover wasn’t blown. She didn’t have to deal with it all quite yet.

  Via tied one sneaker, then the next. If anything had almost blown her cover, it was the staff meeting last week. Jeez Louise, she’d been out of control!

  Well, it wasn’t her fault that he’d shown up with a new haircut, all fresh and tight, and a dark brown shirt that completely set off his eyes. She’d felt like a middle schooler about to kiss the poster of a rock star when she’d caught her first glimpse of him
that day. That had been around lunch, and she’d fully prepared herself to sit next to this handsome, dapper man-of-her-dreams at the staff meeting, no big deal. But then she’d sat down, and he’d looked even better close up.

  What followed had been the most embarrassing hour of her life. Via had been so turned on just from sitting next to him that she hadn’t even been able to sit still. He was just so much arms and long legs and those big old boots, untied at the top. She’d wanted, irrationally, to dip her foot in one of those boots, watch herself get swallowed up in something that was his.

  And then, horror of all horrors, he’d called her out on it! Sort of. She’d thought he was asking if she were turned on—which she was. She’d been mortified when he’d just been commenting on how hot her coat must have been.

  But the torture hadn’t ended there. Nope. Instead of putting herself out of her misery and just going home, she’d watched him fix something for her. And then she’d jabbered on about how good he looked until he got uncomfortable and left.

  He hadn’t seemed particularly turned off by it, but he definitely hadn’t stuck his head into her office to say hi that week. She’d hoped he might. But no, he’d kept a very respectful distance. The way he always did.

  Now he knew she was single. Would he act differently? Would he put up distance between them? The way she’d seen him do with some of the other young and single teachers? She’d noticed that he was politely distant from Rachel these days, even though Rachel didn’t seem to get the drift. Would he do that to her too? Firmly friend-zone the single girl?

  Or, she gulped as she locked up her house and zipped the key into the pocket of her running leggings, would he try to close the distance between them?

  She wasn’t sure she could handle either option.

  She made it to Fin’s in record time. Apparently, all this zinging uncertainty was good for something.

  Fin opened her apartment door with a cold glass of water already in hand for Via.

  “But I didn’t even call to tell you I was coming.”

  “Sister, I felt your vibes coming from two blocks away.”

  Via laughed and followed her into the house. It smelled like microwave popcorn and incense inside. Like Fin. Via instantly felt calmer being in her circle. Fin had always been able to do that. Pretty much since the day they’d met one another.

  “You wanna guess what happened? Or you want me to tell you?” Via asked as she sat her sweaty body down in the porch chair on Fin’s balcony. Fin did the same, lifting her wool socks up to the balcony rail and reclining like she was poolside.

  “I’m tired tonight, fill me in.”

  “He found out I broke up with Evan.”

  Fin’s eyes snapped open. She didn’t have to ask who the he was in this scenario. Via figured that Fin had known about her feelings for Seb even longer than Via had.

  “How?”

  “It was at the staff meeting today. He saw me filling out a wedding invitation and RSVPing as just me.”

  “And...”

  “And he asked a few questions and then went to pick up his son.”

  “Were there more sexy vibes? Like last week?”

  “I think so. But I can never quite tell with him.”

  Fin shook her head. “You must be stuffing cotton in your ears, eyes and nose not to pick up on what that man is putting out for you.”

  “What’s he putting out for me?”

  Fin rolled her head to one side, her hair falling into her face for a moment. “Passion.”

  Via sighed and stood up, leaning forward on the balcony and looking out toward Prospect Park. The trees were stark, and in mid-November, the sun was already fully set at 6:00. A man rode by on the street six stories down, a boom box lashed to the back of his bike. A Beyoncé song.

  “This is bad news for you?” Fin asked from behind Via. “That a man like Sebastian Dorner has passion for you?”

  “No, it’s not bad news. But, I don’t know, it’s not quite what I’m hoping for.”

  Fin laughed and nudged the back of Via’s knee with her socked foot. “I know you crave stability above all else, love. But what woman doesn’t want passion?”

  Via turned around once more and wiped the sweat from her eyes. “He thinks I’m too young for him, Fin. I can tell he finds me attractive. But I want more than that. I want him to...consider me.”

  “Consider you for what?”

  “As a person he could really love.”

  “Is that how you’re considering him?”

  Via dropped her slender body back into the porch chair and huffed. “Yeah. So what? He’s incredible. And I have this, this, this—” soccer ball of hot feeling. A gravity-based, world-sucking black hole of want “—really big feeling for him. And I’m scared he’ll just look at me and think, child.”

  “Violetta, you’re the most mature twenty-eight-year-old on the planet. You put yourself through college, paid off your debt in two years flat, live on your own, pay your taxes, recycle, read the news. Christ, you even get your clothes dry-cleaned. What more could the guy want?”

  “That’s exactly it. I have no idea what he wants! What if he just wants to hook up? And then what if people at school find out! Fin—” Via cut herself off, gulping down an acid feeling in her throat. The idea of becoming a source of gossip at her place of work was so abhorrent to Via that she felt momentarily sick. She’d learned at age twelve never to rock the boat again. Drama got kids switched to new foster homes. Drama equaled instability. And Via needed a rock-solid foundation for her life to even feel remotely comfortable.

  “So, you don’t want to start anything with him because you don’t know whether or not it’ll end up being casual?”

  “I guess?” Now Via was even confusing herself. “But I also don’t know if it makes sense to hope for something serious, considering how badly I botched this whole Evan thing. I mean, how could I ever, in good conscience, insert myself into Seb’s and Matty’s lives knowing exactly how mixed up and torn up and screwed up I am?”

  “Via.”

  Via barely heard her. “Fin, you and Jetty are the only two relationships in my life that I’ve been able to keep. I—you know that I always end up isolating myself from people in some way or another. I’m too sad, by nature, you know? Or maybe not nature, but by circumstance. When my parents died, it changed me. Loneliness, sadness, it’s just a part of who I am. How can I put that on somebody like Sebastian, when he’s got a kid and a life and...”

  Via dropped her face into her hands. “The whole thing is a nonstarter. It’s a bad idea to be casual, it’s a bad idea to be serious. God, I should have just worked things out with Evan.” She lifted her face from her palms. “I can’t believe I did this to my fucking life. Just tossed everything up in the air like a bowl of confetti. I spent so much time building things with Evan, and then in just a few months, everything goes up in smoke. I mean, God, how could I have let this get this far?” Via dropped her face back into her hands. “If I had just realized what was happening, I could have pulled back from Sebastian, and I never would have gotten feelings for him, and then I could just still be with Evan. Instead, I’m out here in no man’s land, adrift as fuck.”

  “Via! Good God!” Fin jumped up, laughing her ass off. She strode back into the house and came back out a minute later with a cup of rosy tea in one hand and huge, honking amethyst in the other. “Good God. Here. Drink this and put this over your heart chakra.”

  Via had been patched up by Fin’s unorthodox methods way too many times to scoff. So she took a deep breath, trying to calm her racing heart, and chugged the tea. “Oh. It actually tastes good.”

  Fin raised an eyebrow. “You were expecting...?”

  “I was expecting it to taste like old fish like that last poison you had me drink.”

  “That poison cured your allergies if I recall correctly, si
ster.”

  Via nodded. Fair enough. Under Fin’s watchful eye, she leaned back in the chair and laid the rough-hewn amethyst crystal over her heart. She closed her eyes and breathed deep, willing the stone to take some of her anxieties away. Whether it was the crystal or simply her friend’s loving presence, Via couldn’t say, but her racing heart gave way into a softer tempo. A tear leaked out of one side of her eye.

  “No matter how many knots you tie, this problem is still just made from one rope, Violetta.”

  Via cracked an eye and looked at Fin. “What do you mean?”

  “You want to be with this man, and you’re telling yourself you can’t. And, good God, do you have a lot of reasons.”

  “Those reasons stand,” Via insisted.

  Fin shrugged. “Only if you prop them up.”

  Via huffed a little bit. “Won’t you just leave me alone and let me be mean to myself?”

  Fin laughed. “Via, either you’re brave enough to try or you’re not.” She paused. “I’ll love you even if you want to keep being a little coward.”

  Via laughed and groaned and slurped more tea. “Things were easier with Evan. Even if they weren’t perfect.”

  Fin rolled her lovely, dark eyes. “They weren’t easier, they were just more predictable. Why do you keep telling yourself these lies about Evan? I don’t get it.”

  The answer floated up like ice in a glass being filled with water. Via clamped down on it, tested the strength of it. “There was very little danger of ever truly wounding Evan. And I really liked that. Depended on it, actually. Because I knew I was never in danger of dragging Evan down with me. He never cared enough to get dragged down.”

  “Well,” Fin said, taking a small green crystal out of her pocket and laying it on her own forehead. “We’re just catching all the fish today.” She slid her eyes over to Via. “Don’t you see that the same thing that kept you with Evan is the same thing that’s gonna keep you from Seb?” She snatched the crystal off her forehead and sat up, her eyes blazing. “But let’s forget about the men for a second here, sister. The real issue is that you treat your whole life like a play you’re staging. You’re trying to get every set piece positioned just perfectly so that when the actors show up, everything goes according to plan.”