First and Always: The Forever Duet

by Brooke, Rebecca

  “Promise me. You don’t have to be super woman.”

  She sighed. “You know me so well.”

  “I do. I also love you and don’t want you to suffer if you don’t have to.”

  “I promise.” She giggled. “You have a way of keeping me on tr—”

  Her words cut off in an instant as her whole body curled in on itself. For the first time since I stepped into the room, I noticed the monitor next to the other side of the bed. The numbers raced up.

  “Holy shit! What is that?”

  She bared her teeth, sucking in panting breaths. “Contraction…it’s…fine…”

  I brushed the hair from her face. “Breathe, baby. Remember to breathe. That’s what they said in the class.”

  She squeezed my hand, practically cutting off my circulation. But I let her do whatever she wanted to me. I knew I could never handle that level of pain. My admiration for my wife increased tenfold in that moment.

  After a few moments, the numbers started to drop and Christine started to relax again. She was still breathing heavy, but who wouldn’t be with that kind of exertion.

  “Thirsty,” she whispered.

  “I brought some ice chips for you.” I hadn’t even noticed the same nurse from earlier enter the room. She set the Styrofoam cup on the table on the side of the bed and checked the monitor. “That was a big one. It looks like they’re starting to come a little quicker. When you hit the ten-minute mark, we’ll check to see how apart you are.”

  “Thank you.”

  The nurse glanced over at me. “She can have ice chips to suck on, but nothing more than that.”

  I nodded and watched the nurse walk out the door. When the door shut behind her, I walked around the bed and grabbed the cup for Christine, handing her one of the small cubes.

  She ran her hand over mine as I set the piece of ice on her lips. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” I popped the cube into her mouth and went back to my original chair. I wanted to keep my eye on the monitor.

  Over the next few hours, I watched Christine brave through the pain of each contraction. The nurse had thought the contractions were speeding up, but they seemed to be stuck right around the twelve-minute mark for what seemed like an eternity. Watching her struggle through each one ripped my apart from the inside. Every time I saw that number start to rise on the monitor my chest tightened.

  About an hour before, I’d convinced her to finally take the epidural. Now when the numbers started to climb it didn’t make me want to vomit on the floor when her whole body jerked as she tried to fight off the pain.

  Now, she was resting, at least as much as she could rest with the monitors and contractions that had sped up since the epidural. The nurse had been in about thirty minutes ago and told us Christine was eight centimeters dilated and it shouldn’t be long now.

  I noticed beads of sweat had formed on Christine’s brow, but she hadn’t been doing anything but lying with her eyes closed for the last twenty minutes. I pushed the call button for the nurse, keeping my eyes on Christine.

  A few seconds later, the door opened and the nurse stepped into the room. “Everything okay?”

  “She’s got beads of sweat on her brow.”

  The nurse’s head snapped to Christine. She grabbed the rolling blood pressure cart and picked up the thermometer. “Christine, I need to take your temperature.”

  Christine’s eyes fluttered open and she nodded, opening her mouth. The nurse slipped the thermometer in her mouth and Christine closed her mouth around it. Seconds later it beeped. The nurse checked the number. Her eyes widened as she ran to the red call button above the bed.

  Alarm bells sounded from the hallway and the door burst open. A doctor in green scrubs raced into the room, pulling on gloves followed by a slew of nurses.

  “What do we have?”

  “She’s got a fever of 101.2.”

  “Is she far along enough to push?”

  “Should be.”

  “Time to get this baby out of her now.”

  Chaos erupted around me. Nurses running in and out of the room. Carts appearing. Dr. Hays pulled a stool up to the end of the bed where two nurses put her feet into straps at the end of the bed.

  “Aiden.” Christine’s voice trembled, barely loud enough in the noisy room.

  “I’m here.” I took her hand in mine. “Everything’s okay. You have a temperature, so they need to deliver the baby now.”

  “Christine, do you think you have enough energy to push? The baby is right at the bottom at the birth canal. It’ll be quicker than getting you to the ER for a C-section.”

  Wide eyes met mine.

  “Can you do this, babe?”

  She nodded. “Help me.”

  “Anything you need.”

  “Aiden, the nurses are going to hold her legs. I need you to put your arm behind her back. Hold her up through each push.”

  Dr. Hays moved between Christine’s legs. I switched the hand I was holding her with and pulled her to a seated position.

  “Come on, you can do this.” I wrapped my other arm around her back, holding her up.

  “Okay, Christine, I need you to push as hard as you can for ten full seconds.”

  Christine’s grip clamped down on mine as she bared her teeth. Pain was etched in the lines on her face. A scream left her lips. The numbers counted down in my head in slow motion.

  “Good,” Dr. Hays said.

  Sweat beaded on her brow. Her breath coming in sharp pants. Her face was red and blotchy. Dark circles beneath her eyes seemed to grow before my gaze.

  Each and every push broke me a little more. Fear for Christine. Fear for the baby. And seeing Christine so exhausted made me want to destroy everything to make it stop.

  “One more time. Ready?”

  A tear traced down Christine’s cheek. “Yes,” she whispered.

  “Push.”

  Christine’s grunts filled the room.

  “There we go. Come on, Christine. A little harder.” Dr. Hays encouraged.

  “Just a little bit more.” I rubbed my hand across her back, not knowing what else to do.

  “There you are.” Christine’s whole body slumped back against my hand as a small cry rang out.

  “A beautiful, healthy girl.” Dr. Hays lifted her up before handing her over to the nurse. Dr. Hays called out for what sounded like medicines. She turned to one of the nurses. “I want a full panel. We need to figure out what caused her fever to spike that rapidly.”

  Nurses bustled around, hanging new IVs and checking monitors. Another came over with a tray with blood vials on it.

  “You did it, babe. She’s beautiful.” I reached out to run my fingers along her cheek.

  Christine gave a week smile when suddenly her eyes rolled up and she fell back, her whole body convulsing. One of the nurses slammed her hand on a button at the top of the bed, while another pushed me from the room.

  “I can’t stop the bleeding,” Dr. Hays called out.

  The last thing I saw was the white of Christine’s eyes then the door closed on me, keeping me away from the two girls in my life.

  28

  Machines beeped.

  Whooshing sounds filled the air.

  My heart stuttered as I stepped through the doorway. Christine looked so small among the million machines and IVs surrounding her bed. All of them trying to keep her alive. They’d managed to make the hemorrhaging stop, but her organs were failing.

  Words like dialysis and heart monitors filled my mind when the doctors finally came to get me again. To explain that Christine had been a case that happened to less than one percent of women. The hemorrhaging and fever had caused sepsis.

  Now we had to wait.

  The doctors had done everything they could. It was all up to Christine or should I say Christine’s body. I knew if her mind was in charge she’d move mountains to make herself better. But it wasn’t. Her body was in charge. A body she’d pushed past its limits befor
e.

  “Do you need anything?”

  I glanced to my right. I’d forgotten about the nurse who’d escorted me back to Christine’s room after the doctor explained everything.

  I sucked in a shaking breath. “No.”

  She placed a hand on my back. “If you need anything, press the call button and one of us will be right in.”

  I nodded and watched as she gave me a sympathetic smile before walking down the hall. On trembling legs, I walked to Christine’s side, collapsing into the chair next to her bed.

  The back of my throat burned. Done holding back the emotions I kept I bay, I let the tears fall. Taking her hand in mine, I rested my head next to our joined hands.

  “Please, don’t leave me. I need you. Chloe needs you. I don’t know how to do this without you.”

  There was a light squeeze on my fingers. My head snapped up in time to see Christine’s eyes flutter open. I let out a breath. That had to be a good thing.

  “Aiden…” her voice was weak. “What…” She sucked in a few breaths. “Happened?”

  I moved the chair closer until the bars of the bed pressed uncomfortably into my knees. “You lost a lot of blood after delivery.”

  She coughed a few times. “Chloe?”

  I sniffled and bushed away the tears on my cheeks, needing to be strong for her. “She’s beautiful. My mom and your mom are with her now.”

  Her eyes darted around the room. “Not…here…”

  I shook my head. “She’s down on the third floor. They had to bring you up to the ICU.” I reached for the call button. As much as I wanted to have Christine all to myself, I also knew the doctors needed to see her when she was awake. “Just relax until the doctor comes, then we’ll answer all your questions.”

  The door opened and in came the nurse. “What can I do—Oh, Mrs. Cormack, you’re awake. Let me call the doctor.” She walked over and pressed a button on the wall and began checking the machines and IVs.

  A few minutes later the door opened again and the doctor who came to find me in the waiting room appeared, her gaze immediately moving to Christine.

  “Mrs. Cormack, it’s good to see you awake. I’m sure you have a lot of questions.”

  Her eyes moved to me, begging me silently to ask. What she didn’t realize was that I already knew everything. I just didn’t have it in me to tell her. Not that she’d have to fight harder than she ever had before.

  The doctor looked at me. My throat constricted. The room began to blur. “Tell her.”

  The doctor walked over to the edge of the bed. “You were brought to the ICU after you began hemorrhaging in Labor and Delivery. Unfortunately the blood loss caused an infection, which led to sepsis.”

  Christine’s eyes grew wider, but the doctor either obvious or determined to finish her explanation, pushed on. “The sepsis did damage to your kidneys. We’ve put you on dialysis for now.”

  Christine coughed again. “Come…off…”

  The doctor shook her head. “We’re not sure you can. There’s evidence your liver and lungs are starting to fail. We’re going to monitor you here. The goal is for your body to heal on its own. We’ve done everything we can to treat the sepsis.”

  A tear slipped down Christine’s cheek to match my own. “Gonna…” Another cough. “Die?”

  The doctor laid her hand on Christine’s leg. “Not if we can do anything about it. I do need to know your wishes, though.” She glanced at the nurse who held a chart in her hands. “Do you give us permission to do whatever it takes to save your life?”

  She nodded and looked at me, another tear falling from her eye. I reached over as she said words that gutted me. “No permanent…machines.”

  “Christine, please.”

  She squeezed my hand as tightly as her weak body could handle. “That’s not…” She had to suck in a few short breaths to get her words out. “Living.”

  “I know. Just fight for me.”

  A few more short, shallow breath. “Hard as…I can.”

  The nurse handed the chart and a pen to Christine, who with shaky hands signed the form they handed her.

  “We’ll do everything we can. Please, try and get some rest, Mrs. Cormack,” the doctor said before leaving us. The nurse followed behind shortly after adjusting a few of the IVs.

  When the door closed behind them, I turned my attention back to Christine, sobs wracking her whole body. Doing my best to avoid the tubes and wires, I climbed into her bed and wrapped my arms around her.

  “Shh, save your strength.” I rubbed circles over her back. “We’ll get through this. Your body just needs time to heal, then we’ll take Chloe home and be a family.”

  My throat felt raw as I pushed the words past my lips. Maybe I was trying to convince myself as much as her, but I needed something to hold on to. She needed something to hold on to.

  “I…can’t…leave…her.”

  Listening to her struggle to speak might as well have been a knife twisting in my stomach.

  “You won’t. You’ll beat this.” I placed my hand on the back of her head. “Rest now, your body needs to heal.”

  “Want to…see her.”

  “Soon, my love. Very soon. Sleep.”

  Her cries continued for a bit until her body slowly settled and her breathing had evened out more. It was still choppy, not the deep calm breaths of a healthy woman. I moved back and took her in. The dark circles I’d see when I arrived at the hospital the night before had grown more pronounced, and her skin had taken a yellowish-gray pallor.

  I held her for a little longer before I climbed out of her bed, wanting to give her space. No need to put more stress on her already overworked body. I sat in the chair and took her hand, the desire to touch her overwhelming. Even while she slept, I wanted her to know I was with her.

  Exhaustion had settled over me. More than twenty-four hours without sleep, and I didn’t know how much longer I could push myself. No way would I leave Christine, which meant sleeping in a chair. Anything to be near her.

  I sent a quick text to my mom to check on Chloe. When she sent back a picture of my dad feeding her a bottle, I put my phone on do not disturb, this way only Mom could get through if she needed me. At the moment I didn’t want to deal with anyone else.

  The chair was as close to the bed as possible, so I leaned forward and rested my head on the bed next to our joined hands. The emotions I’d held back after Christine woke up. Emotions she didn’t need to handle on top of her own. The sobs eventually pulling me under, the same as they had done to her only a little bit ago.

  Alarms sounded all around me, yanking me from sleep at the same time the door to the room flew open. My head snapped up to the monitors, the number on her breathing was now flashing.

  Nurses and doctors filled the room, pushing everything out of the way, including me. One of the nurses, wrapped an arm around my bicep and tugged me into the hall.

  “What’s happening?” I begged him to tell me.

  “She’s not getting enough oxygen. They need to intubate her.”

  I tried to push past him. “I want to be with her.”

  He grabbed my shoulders and held me away from the door. “Trust me, stay here. Let them work. Let them save her.”

  My knees gave out and I slid down the wall, my ass landing on the ground with a thud.

  Shouting reached my ears, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. My mind trying to force myself awake. To get out of the nightmare I’d gotten trapped in.

  None of this could be happening.

  But the people running past me, as the nurse knelt down beside me, checking my pulse.

  “Mr. Cormack, I need you to focus on me.”

  The noises continued and I lifted my hands to block it out. The nurse placed his hands under my arms, hauling me to my feet. The edges of my vision blurred as we moved down the hall.

  When I realized we were moving away from Christine, I fought against his hold.

  “I won’t leave her.�
�� My voice echoed off the walls.

  “You can’t help her right now. Let them do what they need to do.” The nurse brought me into a different room and shut the door behind him. He put me in a chair and squatted down in front of me blocking my way before I could get up. “Please don’t make me call security. The doctors need to focus to say your wife. Let them do their jobs.”

  The air was sucked out of my lungs and for a moment if felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  “Take a breath.” He grabbed my wrist and held on with two fingers.

  It took a moment for my brain to catch up, but I drew in a long breath, the whole room shimmering before me. I dropped my elbows to my knees and buried my head in my hands.

  “I can’t lose her. I can’t do this without her.”

  I kept repeating myself over and over again. The words filling the silence of the room. The nurse pulled up a chair and sat next to me. Quiet, but comforting.

  Time passed at a snail’s pace. I couldn’t tell you how long I sat there. Seconds, hours, minutes—it all seemed the same right then. When the door opened, I hopped to my feet.

  “Is she okay?” I asked before the person who entered the room had a chance to say anything.

  “Please, take a seat,” she said, gesturing to the one behind me.

  For some reason, I turned to the nurse who brought me to the room and waited for him to nod. He offered a sense of comfort the doctor didn’t.

  She pulled up her own chair in front of me. “We have your wife stabilized for now.”

  “What do you mean for now?”

  “It means I don’t know if she’ll stay that way. Her organs are failing at an alarming rate.”

  My throat constricted. “Can you save her?”

  29

  “I’ve done all I can. It’s up to her now. If her body responds to the medication we should see signs of improvement in the next twenty-four hours.”

  “And if not?”

  “If not, we may not be able to reverse the damage.”

  My stomach rolled. Even with nothing in it, I emptied whatever might be in it onto the floor. “I’m sorry.” I wiped my mouth with the tissues that were placed in my hand.