“It can. The trouble is—oh, God, listen to me rambling on.”
The guard appeared in the doorway and walked steadily down the carriage with a steaming mug. She decided to stop talking until the man had gone. The last thing she needed was for him to hear her grumbling about her life when he too was stuck on this train, trying to keep everyone happy.
He placed the mug down before her. “There you go, madam. I’ll pop back and give you an update as soon as I can.”
“Thank you. That’s very kind,” she replied. He smiled, turned, and walked back down the train once again. “Poor guy. He looks so… dejected,” she observed.
The stranger briefly followed her gaze before turning back to her. “He’ll be fine. I just know it. So… you were saying?”
She pursed her lips. “Honestly, it’s fine. It’s weird telling you all this. I don’t know you from Adam.”
His wide, handsome smile was disarming. “No, but in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a very good listener.”
He had a good point… again. But the thought crossed her mind that he could be a psychopath for all she knew. As if reading her mind, he leaned forward and said, “Look, I’m just a normal friendly guy stuck on a train. This could turn out to be a long night. You don’t have to give me any details that would identify you once we leave this train. Think of me as… oh, I don’t know… a sounding board. Impartial. Non-judgemental.”
She eyed him warily for a few silent moments. “Okay. No names or locations. No other info.”
“Fine by me. Just talk and I’ll listen. You were saying that things have been strange lately.”
She sighed again. “Yes… The trouble is… I think I’m… scared.” Saying the words out loud helped her to realise her fear was a real, palpable thing. An entity that was hell bent on stopping her from living in the here and now.
The man cocked his head to one side again. “Scared of what?”
The snow outside the window wasn’t easing, and the white-out was eerie in its bleakness. “Well, I lost Sam, and I nearly lost Greg once too. Now that we have our beautiful children, I’m absolutely terrified of losing them… or him. It’s like I’ve gone into some kind of… I don’t know… self-preservation mode.”
His brow pulled in. “How do you mean?”
“I think I’ve started to push him away. I’ve started to distance myself. He’s noticed too. He’s been trying to talk to me, but I’ve been avoiding the issue. It’s like I somehow think that, subconsciously, pulling away will make things easier if I do lose him.” Her throat tightened and her chest began to ache as she expressed her innermost fears out loud.
“But what makes you think you’ll lose him?”
“Because I lose people. Things are going well, and then people die. My parents, my aunt, my Sam… and almost Greg too.”
“But you hit the nail on the head there.”
She shook her head in confusion. “I… I don’t get what you mean.”
“You almost lost Greg. But he’s still there. At home waiting for you. With your children. He hasn’t gone anywhere.”
He was right. “No… you’re right. But what if something happens?”
Looking straight into her eyes, he leaned forward again and placed his hand on her arm where it rested on the table between them; his touch was warm and comforting somehow. “Look… take it from someone who knows… life happens. Shit happens. Life can be very cruel, and the people you love can be snatched from you without a word of warning. Life can literally throw you off balance when you least expect it. But that’s the way life is. You have to make the most of the people you love. Make sure they know how much you love them at every opportunity. Enjoy every minute you get with them. Because if they are taken from you, it’s those memories that help you get through life. The memories of the silly things like… like walks in the woods, or standing together looking at a beautiful view. Keeping each other warm when it’s cold out. Laughing at some silly Monty Python sketch. Those little memories are the things that keep people alive in your heart. If you close yourself down through fear, you’ll miss out on so much.”
The pain in his amber eyes seemed to catch fire. He clearly had lost someone just like she had.
He squeezed her arm gently. “You have to think about all the wonderful times you shared with Sam. If you’d known you were going to lose him, would you have changed any of the moments you shared? Would you have stepped back? Would you not have pursued a relationship with him?”
She shook her head emphatically. “Absolutely not. No way. I don’t regret a single moment of being with him.”
He smiled as if her answer pleased him. “Well then, you have your answer for your current situation. Greg adores you. He must. He waited for you. He took care of you and stood by you when you lost Sam. He shared your grief. You said he’s worried that you’re becoming distant. Tell him why. Explain how you feel. He’ll understand your fears, I can guarantee it. And then once you’ve talked, you need to move forward with your lives. Don’t let anything stand in the way of your happiness with him. Don’t dwell on what might happen or what might have been. Deal with what does happen when it happens. And if, God forbid, you do lose him, you wear bright colours and celebrate the good times you shared.”
Her heart pounded as his words sank in. And the way he described what they had done at Sam’s memorial was so startlingly similar that memories came flooding back. But he was right. She was holding back and wasting her life worrying about things she couldn’t control.
It was time to stop.
It was time to look forward, not dwell on the past.
The love she had shared with Sam had been amazing and deep, but the love she shared with Greg was those things too. She loved him with all of her heart. Sam was her past, but Greg and her daughters were her future.
Sitting up straighter in her seat, she smiled her thanks. Her vision was a little blurry with tears. “Do you know what? I think you’re right.”
Suddenly the train began to move. Turning to look out of the window, she noticed that the snowfall had almost stopped and stars glimmered in the night sky once again. The heavy clouds that had shielded the moon from sight were now dissipating, and hazy white light cast an ethereal glow over the snow-covered fields and distant hills.
The companions sat in silence for a while as the train trundled along the track. Once off the bridge, they watched as the passing scenery became something befitting a Christmas card. Mallory wished that the train could go faster and get her home to her wonderful husband sooner.
But she would have to be patient.
“So what are your plans for Christmas Day?” she asked.
“Oh… you know. Spend some quality time with Dad. Reminisce a little.”
“That sounds nice.”
“Yeah…”
“I hope you have a wonderful time with your dad.”
He smiled fondly. “I always do.”
Silence fell over them again, but every so often, Mallory glanced over at her companion. Sometimes he was watching her with a serene smile and sometimes he was gazing into the distance, the same smile fading and reappearing as if he were lost in thought.
Mallory pulled her phone from her purse. She needed to let Greg know that she would be delayed and he wasn’t to worry. Checking the signal, she realised there was none, and so she closed her eyes for a while and thought back to her early days with Greg. The CD of songs he’d made for her… the first night she spent in his arms… the very first time they made love… his romantic proposal on the bridge… the wedding in the small but stunning Kilbrandon Church. Each moment had been perfect because of Greg. He had always put her first. Even when his actions were misguided, he had been doing things out of his love for her.
Fear was such a crippling emotion. It was time to step into the light and leave the fear of loss behind. She would be eternally grateful to her companion for his words of wisdom. Remembering another train journey, she gave a little laugh. The elder
ly lady who had convinced her to take a chance with Greg all those years ago had been right. Maybe strangers on trains have some kind of ingrained wisdom, she thought. At least I know where to go for advice in the future.
A while later the train pulled into a station in the Scottish Borders. Even that brought to mind a break Mallory had spent there with Greg. He was such a huge part of her life. He was her life. The urge to speak to him now was overwhelming, and she even considered dashing off to call whilst the train was at a standstill but knew that, realistically, there would be no time. He’d be so worried, and after what she’d put him through lately, she hated being the cause of more upset for him.
Her companion stood. “Well, this is me.”
A wave of sadness washed over her. “Oh… right. Well, have a lovely Christmas. And thank you so much for listening to me ramble on. I really appreciate it. You made a lot of sense.”
He smiled sadly and nodded. Putting his hands in his pockets, he turned to walk away but stopped. “Take care, Mallory. Be happy… always.”
She smiled as he disembarked from the train and walked off into the darkening winter evening. The train heaved forward again, and as the dimly lit station disappeared into the distance, she thought back to their conversation. She scrunched her brow. He had called her Mallory. So much for not telling him my name. She racked her brain, trying to remember at what point she had revealed her identity but couldn’t bring it to mind at all. Definitely losing the plot lately. She smiled to herself and shook her head.
Chapter Fourteen
Eventually at eleven o’clock the train pulled into Oban station. It had been a long journey in more ways than one. Mallory pulled her bag from the overhead locker, placed it on the seat before her, and shrugged into her coat. Collecting the gift-laden bag again, she made her way down the train. The guard who had brought her hot chocolate and a blanket was standing near to the door. She decided that she should thank him and wish him a Merry Christmas.
A warm, friendly smile spread across his pale features as he watched her approaching. “We made it eventually, madam,” he said as he held his hands out from his sides.
“We did. I wanted to say thank you for the hot chocolate and blanket. I didn’t sleep, but the blanket was very much appreciated. It got quite chilly in the carriage.”
He chuckled. “I can imagine.” He dropped his gaze for a moment, and when he lifted his eyes to meet hers again, they were filled with something that distinctly looked like guilt. “Look, I’m sorry I left you all alone down there. If I’d been a true gentleman, I would’ve sat with you for a while when I brought your drink. Instead I just left you there… all alone in an empty train carriage.”
A cold shiver began at the nape of her neck and tingled down her stiffened spine. “But… I wasn’t alone… I had—”
“You’re being too kind to me. I did leave you alone. And I feel very bad about that. You looked so lost and very emotional when I brought the blanket and hot chocolate. It was cruel of me to leave you there like that. The least I could’ve done was to keep you company. You were the only person on the train who was in that situation. The few people up at the other end seemed to be in couples or groups. But you sat there… cold and by yourself. I’m so, so sorry. A single lady passenger being left like that…” He shook his head. “I should’ve left the others to fend for themselves. But they were quite a demanding bunch.”
Mallory pulled her brows in as confusion swept through her like a cold chill. “When… when you were up at the other end… did you serve a man in a long black coat? Piercing amber eyes. Shaggy, mousy hair and a goatee? Maybe about my age?”
He frowned and shook his head. “Sorry, no. It was all old folks coming home from a Turkey and Tinsel getaway down in Yorkshire. Although why they would want to travel all that way for Christmas dinner beats me, and to be travelling home on Christmas Eve—crazy idea as far as I’m concerned. There’s nothing like being home at Christmas, if you ask my opinion.”
Gulping as her heart raced, she tried to make sense of her thoughts. “I—I could’ve sworn I saw a man fitting that description,” she said with a wavering voice as realisation began to set in.
“Sorry, dear. I can describe each and every blue rinse, perm, and set of false teeth I’ve encountered on this train tonight. And I can safely say that he wasn’t here. Maybe he caught a different train and will meet you tomorrow?” he offered, not fully understanding the weight of her situation.
She nodded. “Erm… yes… yes, maybe.”
He touched her arm as concern masked his features. “Are you okay? You’ve gone very pale. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He smiled warmly.
She dropped her gaze to the floor for a few moments until she realised he had asked her a question. “Sorry?” Her eyes snapped up to the guard’s once again. “Oh, yes… yes, I’m fine. Just… tired, I think.”
She wrapped her scarf around her neck and stepped carefully from the train, wishing the man a Merry Christmas as she did so. What the hell just happened? She walked along the platform toward the exit in a daze.
She pulled out her phone, intending to let Greg know she’d arrived in one piece, but her finger hovered over his number and then dialled Josie. It was late, but the fact that she was a new mother would no doubt mean she was either feeding her son or too excited or terrified to sleep.
As luck would have it, she answered after two rings. “Hey, sweetie! I’ve been trying to call you. It kept going to voicemail and I was so worried.”
“Yes… sorry. It’s been quite an eventful journey. I… I lost signal, and the train broke down for a while.”
“Are you home now?” Josie asked hopefully.
“N-not yet. Just going to get a cab. Can I ask you a completely ridiculous question?”
Josie laughed. “This is me you’re talking to. If you didn’t, I’d be worried.”
“Okay… here goes… Do you believe in… in ghosts?”
There was a long pause at the other end of the line. “Honestly? I… I’m not sure. I think that there must be something… but… Why do you ask? Is everything okay?”
“I’m not sure. I had a rather bizarre experience on the train.”
“With a ghost?”
The change in pitch of her friend’s voice made Mallory suddenly feel very foolish. “Oh, good grief. I think I’m so tired that I’m imagining things. It’s stupid. I was chatting to a lovely man in the first class carriage, but… when I got off, the guard…”
“Mally? The guard what? Was a ghost? Have you been watching The Polar Express with the girls, hon?”
“No… no. Not the guard. Look, forget I said anything. I’d better go.”
“Mally, tell me. I know something is off with you. Come on. What is it?”
Mallory sighed deeply. “When I got off the train, the guard apologised for leaving me alone in the carriage. But… but I wasn’t alone. He brought me a hot chocolate and a blanket whilst I was chatting to that nice man. Why would he apologise for leaving me alone? And why when I described the man to the guard did he say that no one fitting that description was on the train? Am I… Am I going doolally, Jose?”
A heavy silence fell over the line.
After a few moments Josie spoke. “What… what did the man look like?”
Mallory called to mind the stranger’s features. “Shaggy hair, beard. Oddly enough, he reminded me of Sam. But not exactly. Not completely like Sam. If you know what I mean?”
“Did he have amber eyes?” Josie asked quietly.
Mallory widened her eyes. “Yes! How did you know that?”
“He… he was in my dream. The one I had about you and Greg splitting up. He told me to tell you—”
Another shiver travelled down the length of Mallory’s spine. “What did he ask you to tell me?” Tears stung at her eyes.
“He just told me to tell you that you were always meant for Greg… and to tell you… to be happy… always.”
> Mallory suddenly felt very light-headed and faint. She collapsed against the wall behind her. “The man—the stranger—he said the same words to me as he left the train.”
“Oh my God, Mally. I’ve gone cold. Are you okay? Do you need me to come up?”
Mallory laughed, adoring the fact that her best friend had suggested such a ludicrous thing in her current state. She really was a good friend. “Josie, you’ve just been through surgery and given birth. Don’t be a silly arse. I’ll be fine. It’s… it’s just a coincidence. There has to be some reasonable explanation for all this. We’re so close as friends that we’re probably in tune with each other’s dreams. That’s all it’ll be. I’m just tired, and you’ve been through so much. Get some rest. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Okay… are you sure you’re alright?” Josie’s voice wavered.
Tears spilled over and made cold, wet trails down Mallory’s cheeks. “I’m fine. I just want to get home to Greg and the girls.”
“I bet you do. Look, Mally, I’m sorry I didn’t mention this before. I just thought it was a dream. You know?”
“Yes… yes, that’s all it was. Don’t worry. Love you, and merry Christmas.” Mallory hit the end call button and swiped the tears away with the back of her hand. She glanced down at her handset through the fog of her tears and realised the battery had died. Dammit! She snuffled and thought back to what had happened over the last few hours. What the hell should she make of all this? She had no idea, but what she did know was that seeing as her phone wasn’t an option, getting home to show Greg how much she loved him was paramount.
As she left the station building, she saw a man hailing a passing cab. Oh, dammit again, if I’d been a few minutes earlier, that could’ve been mine. She walked along the road, dragging her heavy, wheeled bag behind her through the snow and contemplated finding a callbox to contact Greg and ask him to come and get her. It wasn’t what she wanted to do, drag him away from the girls and Christine away from her family at this hour, but other than trying to find a hotel for the night on Christmas bloody Eve, she was running out of options.
Christmas Presence Page 8
