Dangerous Secrets

by Mari Mancusi

  Maybe he wouldn’t care, I told myself. Maybe he would be totally fine finding out where I came from. Especially if he knew I was his rescuer. How could you hate someone who saved your life?

  But then I remembered his words in the library. How his whole life had been ensconced in secrets. If he found out I’d been lying to him this whole time, he would think me no better than anyone else. He’d be so hurt. All the trust we’d built up between us would be lost. He’d probably end up hating me.

  I couldn’t bear to have Agnarr hate me. He was all I had in the world.

  Well, that and my job. I realized Johan was staring at me worriedly.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, putting an arm around me. I allowed him to lead me over to a nearby bench. “You look like someone ate your pet reindeer.”

  I gave him a rueful smile, sinking down onto the bench. “I’m fine,” I assured him. “Just tired.”

  He sat down next to me. “And why wouldn’t you be? You’ve been working so hard,” he said, patting my knee. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed. I couldn’t have asked for a better apprentice, Iduna. I’m proud of all we’ve accomplished together.” He squeezed my knee.

  I swallowed hard, suddenly feeling slightly uncomfortable about his proximity. Which was strange, of course. After all, Johan and I had been working closely together for over a year at this point. We’d always been close. But something seemed different about him that day. Though I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

  “I love this job,” I declared, rising to my feet, mostly to put distance between us. I walked to the window, staring out at our mill. The blades were rotating steadily and I couldn’t help a swell of pride rising inside of me. I had done this. Something magnificent that would change Arendelle’s future. “I wouldn’t want to work anywhere else.”

  “I’m glad to hear it.” Johan joined me at the window, pulling me around until I faced him. His expression was serious. “Iduna, I know your apprenticeship ends in a few months,” he said. “But I’m hoping you’ll agree to keep on with me after it’s over.” He paused, then added with a sly smile, “Though not just as my apprentice this time.”

  Whoa. My heart started to beat faster in my chest. Was this finally it? Was this finally the moment I’d been waiting for? The moment he asked me to stay on with him full time?

  “You…want to hire me?” I asked, my voice trembling so hard I could barely get the words out. Was this really happening? Was I really getting my dream job?

  To my surprise, Johan started to laugh. As if I’d said the funniest thing in the world.

  “Iduna.” To my shock, he dropped down to one knee in front of me. “I want to marry you.”

  What?

  I stared down at him, too shocked to speak. He smiled up at me, reaching out to clasp my hands in his own. Horrified, I leapt backward, instinctively putting distance between us.

  His earnest expression crumbled. He scrambled back to his feet.

  “I…” I began, my mind racing to take back control. “I didn’t…I’m sorry.”

  What was I apologizing for? I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was just surprised—shocked. I thought he was offering me a job.

  Not marriage!

  He sucked in a deep breath and the disappointment emptied from his face, replaced by a blank mask. “I thought…”

  “You thought…what?” I could barely breathe.

  “I thought we worked well together,” he sputtered. “I thought we were a good team.”

  “We do. We…are.”

  “Then why not be more?” he asked, his eyes now pleading. “Iduna, we could be happy together. You and I.”

  My thoughts and mind were racing so fast it was almost impossible for anything to make sense. How long had he been harboring these feelings for me? Had I been blind to his true intentions all this time? I liked Johan. He was smart. Creative. A good boss. But that was where my feelings ended.

  But not his, evidently.

  “I’m sorry,” I stammered, wringing my hands together in front of me. “You’re a good friend. And I love working with you. It’s just…” I trailed off, not knowing what else to say. This was not good. Not good at all.

  Sure enough, his face turned beet red, anger rising to the surface.

  “What, do you think you’re too good for me?” he demanded. “You, with your fancy education at the castle? Your fancy friendship with the prince?”

  I felt the blood drain from my face. My mind flashed to Agnarr in the secret room. His lips brushing over mine. Kisses so tender. So sweet. Had that only been days before?

  Johan caught my expression. His eyebrows rose. “Oh.” He started to laugh. “I see.

  “You’re in love with the prince.”

  I staggered backward. “I am not!”

  He nodded slowly, realization dawning in his eyes. “Yes, that’s it, isn’t it? That’s why you’d never lower yourself to marry a commoner like me! You have delusions of grandeur. You think he’s going to make you queen? You are such a fool!”

  “I don’t think that!” I protested.

  “I hope not,” he shot back. “Because it will never happen. People like him, they don’t care about people like us. Self-made people who don’t need their benevolence to survive.” He gave me a patronizing look. “And, trust me, while they may flirt with you and see fit to sully your honor, in the end they only marry their own kind.”

  Johan’s cruel words shot through me like a lightning bolt to the heart. I knew this, of course. I’d known it from the very first day I’d started having feelings for Agnarr. But a part of me had still held out hope, especially after our kiss.

  Johan must have seen the effect his words had wrought in my shell-shocked expression, because his voice softened, relenting. “Look, I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. And I’m sorry if I came on too strong. But I care about you, Iduna. I don’t want your girlish crush to get you hurt.”

  “I don’t have a crush!” I tried to say, but knew it was useless. Everything he was saying was right. Agnarr and I could never be together. And it would be so much smarter to turn my back on him now, before it was too late. To pair up with a man like Johan instead. Someone who was my equal. And, hey—maybe I could learn to love him someday. Or at least grow old in mutual respect. Many marriages survived on less.

  But no. It was already too late for me. I was desperately in love with my prince. The way he made me laugh, the way he made me think. The way he made chills run down my spine when he reached out and caressed my cheek with his soft fingers. Agnarr made me feel things I’d never felt before. And if I couldn’t have him, I wanted no one at all.

  I realized Johan was still waiting for me to respond. I finally found my voice.

  “Look, this doesn’t have to change anything,” I tried, hoping to defuse the situation as gently as I could. “We’re still friends, right? We can still work together?”

  Johan’s face twisted. “That’s all you care about, isn’t it?” he said in an accusing voice. “The stupid windmills.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Go home, Iduna. You’ve made your choice. I hope it gets you what you want.”

  I froze. “Wait, are you…firing me?” I asked, eyes wide with horror.

  “What do you want me to do?” he spit out. “I’ve laid out my heart to you and you’ve trampled on it. How does one go back to talking about wind after something like that?”

  Of course. I had rejected him, and he was going to make me pay. With the one thing he knew mattered to me most of all. My job.

  I felt tears well in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. “You know, you talk a good game about helping people become independent,” I said, trying not to let him see how upset I was. “But when it all comes down to it? You’re as selfish as the rest.”

  “Iduna—”

  “Goodbye, Johan. Good luck with your windmills.”

  And with that, I pivoted on my heel, storming down the hi
ll. I could hear him calling after me, but I refused to turn around. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

  At the bottom of the hill, I turned right by force of habit. Headed to the castle.

  I needed to see Agnarr.

  Now.

  HE WAS ALREADY IN THE TREE WHEN I GOT there. As if he’d been waiting, right where I needed him to be. I wanted to tackle him with relief when I saw him there, curled up on a low-hanging branch, his nose buried in a thick tome.

  But I held back, Johan’s voice seeming to echo in my ears.

  You have delusions of grandeur. You think he’s going to make you queen?

  What if Johan was right and Agnarr had already decided the whole thing between us had been nothing more than a big mistake?

  I couldn’t bear to lose both my job and my best friend in one day.

  Agnarr looked up from his book, hearing me approach. His face brightened with a huge smile that made me want to break out into tears of relief. Johan had no idea what he was talking about. Agnarr cared about me. What we had together—it was special. It mattered.

  I climbed into the tree. Agnarr’s smile faded as he caught my face.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, setting aside his book immediately.

  I hung my head, at first not wanting to talk about it. I felt so ashamed—had I missed the signs? Had I given off signals that had led Johan to the wrong conclusions?

  But no. I had given him an honest day’s work.

  “Iduna. Talk to me.” Agnarr’s face was inches from mine. “Are you all right? Are you…” His face turned pale. “Are you upset about what happened in the library? ’Cause we can talk about it. If you thought it was a mistake—”

  I choked out a laugh. And here I had been worrying he was thinking the same thing about me.

  “No,” I assured him, giving him a sad smile as I laid my hand on his shoulder. It was all I could do not to crawl into his arms, let him hold me. Tell me everything would be all right. But I had to get this out first. “In fact, the library thing was the good part about this week.”

  His brows furrowed. “What happened?”

  “Well, for starters, Johan proposed.”

  Agnarr’s face turned as white as a ghost’s. “He d-did?” he stammered. “Um, that’s…wow.” He swallowed hard. “What did you say?”

  “I told him no. Obviously,” I snapped, feeling annoyed I even had to answer that question. That on some level Agnarr wouldn’t already know. But how could he? We’d never talked about these kinds of things. We’d never even expressed feelings for one another until recently.

  “Phew.” Agnarr’s face shone with relief. “I mean, he’s totally wrong for you,” he added hastily when I gave him a look.

  I swallowed down a bitter laugh. Wrong for me. On the contrary, Johan was exactly the type that was right for me. A self-made man who had come from nothing. He was someone who had worked hard and persevered against all odds. Not unlike me.

  It was Agnarr who was wrong for me. The one unattached man in Arendelle I could never have.

  The only one I wanted.

  In the end they only marry their own kind.

  I closed my eyes, trying to reset my sanity. “Anyway, when I said no to his proposal, he basically fired me. Which means I’m not going to get to work on windmills anymore.”

  “What?” Agnarr looked horrified. “He can’t do that!”

  “He already has.” Suddenly I felt a million years old.

  “Well, he has to rehire you then. That’s illegal. Or it should be, if it’s not. I can make it illegal. I could send over some guards to talk to him. I could…put him in jail even. I mean, unjust firing of perfectly qualified apprentices who simply aren’t into marriage…or something? That has to be a crime of some sort.”

  I couldn’t help a small smile at this. His outrage on my behalf made me feel better. Even if I didn’t want him to follow through with any of it.

  “Thank you,” I said. “I appreciate the support. But I’d prefer to deal with this myself. It’s my problem, not yours.”

  “I know, but…” His shoulders slumped in defeat. “I want to help you.”

  “And I love that you do. But I’m not some damsel in distress from one of your books. I have always taken care of myself. And I will take care of this, too.”

  “I understand,” he said. And my heart swelled at the acceptance on his face. He wanted to help. But he was also willing to step back and let me do it my way. He wouldn’t force me or guilt me into something I didn’t want. All he wanted was for me to be happy. And he would do anything, I knew, to make it so—even if that meant doing nothing at all.

  “Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” he asked softly. He reached out, brushing a lock of hair from my face. His eyes were tender, kind. “What do you need, Iduna?”

  My emotions flooded my heart at his simple words. And suddenly I realized there was only one thing I needed. The one thing I should not ask for. The one thing I wasn’t sure I could live without.

  “I need you,” I whispered. “Just you.”

  His breath caught in his throat. For a moment, he just looked at me. Just looked and looked and looked until time itself seemed to freeze in his gaze.

  And then he kissed me.

  It didn’t begin gently this time, like the kiss we’d shared in the secret room. Instead, it felt desperate in its intensity. And as he dug his hands deep into my hair, heat rose inside me, until I felt as if I would literally burst into flames.

  “Agnarr,” I whispered, my mouth against his.

  “Iduna…”

  I don’t know how long we kissed in that tree. It could have been hours, years, minutes, or only a few blissful seconds. But when we finally pulled apart, flushed and breathless, we looked each other in the eyes, no longer bashful. As if nothing in the world mattered outside that tree. No past, no potential future. Nothing could steal this moment away from the two of us.

  “I love you,” he whispered. So softly at first that I was half convinced I was making it up in my head. But then his voice rose. More confident. The voice of a boy who would soon be king. “I’ve always loved you,” he added. “Since that first day in the orphanage when I walked in on you singing.”

  “I love you, too,” I replied, my voice so croaky that I wondered if he could even understand me. My admission wasn’t perfect, but there it was, all the same: vulnerable and true. My heart was his for the taking whether I liked it or not. I reached out and slipped my hand in his and squeezed it hard. His hands were soft, not rough and calloused. But that didn’t mean they weren’t strong and fully capable. “Since…the day we first climbed this tree.”

  It wasn’t what I wanted to say, of course. I wanted to tell him I’d loved him far longer. Since that very first day he arrived in the Enchanted Forest. When I’d seen the wonder in his eyes as he stroked the baby reindeer. When his father yelled at him and I watched his narrow shoulders slump and his head bow in shame.

  When he lay bleeding on the ground and I made the choice to save him—instead of myself.

  But I couldn’t say any of that. Not now at least. Not while everything was so fragile, so new. I knew in my heart this perfect moment would not last forever. Our circumstances were far too different for any of this to end happily in the long run. But while we might not have tomorrow, we had this precious now. And now was all that mattered.

  I smiled at the prince. He smiled back at me, looking pretty pleased with himself.

  Agnarr.

  “If only we could do this forever,” I said with a happy sigh.

  “We can!” he declared. “In fact, I’ll make a royal proclamation. Kissing no longer has to have any time limits whatsoever!”

  I giggled. “There are no time limits now!”

  His eyes met mine. They were soft and dreamy, a likely reflection of my own. “Then why can’t we do this forever?” he whispered.

  I could have offered up a million practical reasons.

  Instead, I ki
ssed him again.

  “‘AND SO THE ARENDELLIANS SETTLED DOWN on the grassy, green banks of what would henceforth be known as Arenfjord.’”

  A giggle escaped me, and Miss Larsen looked up from her history text, eyeing us with a suspicious expression. Agnarr’s face grew wide and innocent as I bit my lower lip to stop from laughing, giving the prince a scolding look. How was I supposed to pay attention to our history lessons if he kept reaching under the table, grazing my knee with his hand and sending shivers straight up my spine? Good shivers, but still!

  “Is something amusing, Miss Iduna?” Miss Larsen asked pointedly.

  “No, ma’am,” I assured her. “I was just…thinking of something.”

  “Next class, let’s try to keep your concentration on learning, shall we?” Miss Larsen asked.

  I nodded as I gathered my things and headed for the secret library, knowing Agnarr was not far behind.

  In fact, over the past few months I had found it almost impossible to concentrate on anything but Agnarr and our secret romance. (Well, that and keeping it secret.) We still spent almost all our free time together now, when not in lessons or in council meetings, evading his guards and slipping out of the village. We’d wander the hills, hand in hand, talking for hours about nothing and everything. Then we’d find a tree or bush to hide behind and kiss until it felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  The secret room in the library had become our most frequented spot, both because it was so tucked away and because it was the place where we’d first given in to the rushes of feeling flooding through us. We’d turned the room into our own special hideaway, with Agnarr reading aloud from various books or scrolls he’d uncovered while I painted stars on the ceiling with paint that seemed to glow in the dark. When I had finished, we lay on the floor, staring up at the vast sky, hands linked, as if we were on one of our mist trips.

  But as magical as these moments were, I still had to deal with real life. Like what was I going to do to earn a living now that I was no longer an apprentice.