#SomethingLikeFate

by Marco May

  I felt myself getting close the more my gaze burned into the image on my phone. This was wrong, yet I wasn’t able to stop sinning. I used my dripping precum as lube and stroked faster. Maybe I was dirty, too. Maybe I was a sick pervert like Gary. Maybe I wanted him to corrupt me like a willing sub. After all, I’d been just as naughty in our recent chat.

  My eyes rolled back, and I let out a series of clipped gasps as I found my release. My body quaked with ecstasy, and I caught my breath from the mind-blowing experience.

  I was shocked by how much of a mess I’d just made, more than usual. Wow. I’d been owned by a picture, and I’d let it control me as if it’d been an actual guy. Then again, it was a guy. It was Gary, and he’d succeeded in doing what no other guy had ever been able to do. He’d controlled me during a moment of deep lust, making me lose myself in him.

  And I liked it.

  Chapter 6

  At work on Tuesday morning, I finished ringing up a customer and attended several others. After they left, I had a moment alone to perform a few tasks. Sometimes, I pulled down my mask to breathe better since it could be stifling while working an entire shift.

  Gary had been on my mind quite a bit since I’d woken up, and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. We continued exchanging lengthy paragraphs to communicate whenever we weren’t active online. I couldn’t get what I’d done the day before out of my mind, though. I’d always been religious, but with some liberal views on certain things. I wasn’t against masturbation, but I’d been against porn for as long as I could remember. I’d watched a few videos after the temptation had defeated me, and I’d sworn never to do it again. I also masturbated on occasion only to alleviate myself without getting addicted to doing it, and it was always to images of naked guys inside my mind. Sometimes, tame fantasies barged in and took over my self-control. Other times, dirty fantasies took over and made me discover more about myself than I wanted to admit, such as the first and only time about Gary. What a picture, and continuing to befriend him had felt different ever since.

  My phone buzzed in silent mode, and since there weren’t any customers in the store, I felt safe to check it. Faith Hilton had sent me a text, asking if I was available after work to meet for coffee. She apparently wanted to talk to me about something important, and while we got along well, she was still a devout member of our church. Well, her church, since I no longer attended. She was a bit judgmental when it came to the really bad sinners, but since she hadn’t mentioned anything to me about my gay romance series, I felt it was safe to meet up with her one more time. I replied with my acceptance and got back to work. I only hoped she wouldn’t try to get me to come back to church, assuming she already knew the story.

  I completed another task and began straightening random shoes within the aisles to make the store extra presentable. I was usually alone in the mornings since the store wasn’t busy during those hours, but I had a few coworkers coming in soon to work until close.

  My phone buzzed again, and I grabbed it to check the push notification. Gary. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to start chatting with him and risk getting lost in a conversation while at work, but I was always curious about what he had to say. I tapped the screen to read the message.

  Hey, Santiago. Do you ever meet a guy that just sweeps you off your feet like a spell to where you can’t stop thinking about him?

  I wished I could tell Gary that that was what I experienced at the moment. Okay, so maybe it was nowhere near love, obviously, but it was definitely something meaningful. There was a reason I always looked forward to chatting with him even despite our differences. Maybe opposites really did attract, but did they last? I was willing to find that out myself.

  I couldn’t leave Gary without answering his question because I knew what that felt like, and it drove me nuts. I could understand if it’d been a statement that didn’t require a response, but a question? No way.

  I started typing while keeping an eye on the store entrance for any possible customers. I had two boyfriends that never appreciated what we had. So to answer your question…yes but much to my disappointment. :(

  Gary reacted with a crying emoji. That’s a real shame. Just from what I know about you, I can tell you’d make a great boyfriend. You’d make any guy happy and lucky. If you were mine I’d never let you go. ;)

  There was the wink I’d longed to see. The oversexed horndog never failed to make me swoon with his romantic words. The fact that he was even able to express himself like that captivated me like a magnet and made me question whether I’d actually fall hard someday as we connected more. I knew myself very well. All it took was a romantic guy to say all the right words, and I’d be his like a tiny mouse in a cheese-luring trap. Except with a happy ending, of course. Maybe my overly concerned therapists and psychiatrists from the past hadn’t seen it that way, but I did.

  It took a while for me to reply because I wasn’t sure if I should flirt back. I couldn’t fight it, though. Flirting was fun, and it felt good. What made it even better was that he seemed so real, unlike most guys. How ironic that just about every guy I’d chatted with on dating apps had more traditional morals than Gary, yet neither of them had ever been as romantic.

  I finally started typing. You’re very romantic, aren’t you? I bet if you asked the magic mirror who’s the most romantic of them all, it would say you. ;)

  Well thank you. I’m just being myself. I don’t believe in being fake. I actually can’t stand fake people. What’s the point, you know? But maybe that’s why you like me so much. ;)

  I didn’t need a mirror to know I blushed hard, because my cheeks warmed up quickly, and his words gave me a tingly sensation. Even my bulge grew a bit, and I made sure to adjust the front of my pants just to be safe. Keep it up and you just might convince me to sign up for a Discord account. ;)

  I’ll be waiting. ;)

  I sighed. All of it was too much for me. I loved the chat, but at the same time, it scared me. Was I ready to start something with a guy like him? If we crossed any non-platonic territory, there’d be no turning back. After all, there was a reason I wasn’t friends with my exes or any of the guys I’d gone out with on dates. I wished I weren’t so hung up over Gary’s oversexed nature and questionable taste in books.

  Oh, what the heck. Discord was harmless. We’d just do a little voice or video and nothing more. I didn’t expect anything else.

  Did I?

  Chapter 7

  After work that evening, I entered a small Starbucks and found Faith sitting at a corner table with a cup of coffee and her purse. I decided not to get anything and just took a seat across from her, smiling and feeling a bit awkward that our friendship seemed different already, even though nothing had actually happened between us to change anything. We both wore face masks but didn’t feel the need to social distance with each other.

  “Hi, God bless you, Santiago. How are you?” She pulled down her mask and slapped on a toothy smile, then took a large sip from her cup.

  “It’s been a while, huh?” We hadn’t hung out together in quite some time since we’d both been busy.

  “Yeah, it has. How’s life treating you these days?” She sported an unnecessarily concerned expression, her mask still tucked under her chin, and it made me wonder if she knew something.

  I shrugged. “Same old, same old. Just been busy with work and writing. You?”

  “Oh, you know, the kids, and a hubby that’s practically a big kid himself.” Faith chuckled.

  “I bet!” Behind my mask, I formed a tight smile at the realization that things really did feel different. We’d gotten along so well when I’d been more devoted to church. Did she know anything, or was I just being paranoid for no reason?

  She sighed but managed a smile, except as tight as mine. “I heard about your writing.”

  Of course. So she did know after all. Great.

  “I’m just…shocked, if I’m honest. I mean, you’ve always been so devoted to Christ and always lived by His e
xamples. What made you start writing porn? I don’t understand.”

  I suppressed a groan of frustration. Ugh, why did everyone from church consider tame erotic scenes to be porn? But I knew better than to lose it. “It’s hardly porn, Faith. It’s actually tasteful and nothing is ever explicit. I never write graphic sex scenes.”

  “But…sex is still sex, and you shouldn’t be writing any of that. That should be to the imagination after the ending of a book. Besides, you’re a follower of Jesus and you’re supposed to only be writing for Him to spread the Gospels.”

  I tried so hard not to roll my eyes because she and the others seriously didn’t get it.

  “Also, you stopped going to church over it? Is writing sex stories really more important than spending time with God in His house?” She’d said the word “sex” through clenched teeth and in a low tone, because, of course.

  “Faith? It’s romance. I write romance and there just happen to be tame sex scenes.”

  “Okay, fine, then why can’t you write Christian romance instead? In fact, I hardly know of any gay romances with strong Christian values. Are there even any out there? I’d love to read some. Maybe you can fill in that niche so I can buy the first copy to support you.”

  “It doesn’t sell, though. I mean, I write what I love, but I’d also like to be a successful author one day. And let’s face it. Sex sells.” I shrugged.

  She sighed, frowning. “Santiago, you know how much I support the LGBTQ community. That’s precisely why my husband and I started attending our church to get away from all the harmful clobber verses and intolerance against homosexuality. But that still doesn’t make it okay to write what you write. And honestly? Since you act so careless about it, I’m concerned about your faith. It would seriously break my heart if you started growing distant from God.”

  I couldn’t take it anymore. I suddenly resented the person who’d ratted me out. Why? For what? How had it benefitted that person to do that? To gossip? To start drama? “I still believe in God and always will. That’ll never change.”

  “Okay, good. I’m relieved to hear that. But you’re still not following the Lord’s path. You can believe all you want, but you also have to repent and make sure you pick yourself back up every time you fall and keep following the path.”

  I was desperate to change the subject. Anything that came to mind was fair game. “I met someone.”

  Faith nodded. “Okay, that’s…that’s good, right? You mean romantically?”

  Romantically? Was it really there yet? Would it ever get to that point? I wasn’t sure myself, but it was significant enough for me to consider it a possibility if I went with the flow and let it happen on its own. “Maybe.”

  “And I take it he’s not from church, or am I wrong?” When would Faith ever drop it? It was none of her business how I lived my life. The more she nosed her way into my personal business, the less I wanted to keep in touch with her. I knew she meant well. While judgmental, she was still not a bad person. She just cared a lot about me. At the same time, we had our differences that continued clashing, like at that very moment.

  “He’s not but I don’t judge. I mean, I’m sure God doesn’t want any of us to judge others, right?” Somehow, I hoped I wasn’t too harsh in my tone since I’d never talked to her that way before, especially by calling her out on her own judgment. Then again, I’d judged Gary a whole lot, and I still kind of did. I suddenly felt like a hypocrite.

  Faith gave me a nod, her lips pressed firmly against each other. “Fair enough. I wish you two the best.” She pulled on her mask, grabbed her purse and coffee cup, and got up from her seat. “I have to go, but…you take care of yourself, okay? I’ll be praying for you. God bless you.” She waved at me and walked away, obviously trying to hide her upset reaction.

  I returned the wave in a weak motion, even though she had her back turned. “Bye.” I remained seated and didn’t know what to think about the situation anymore. I’d had a feeling things had changed between us, and I’d been right. At that rate, who knew when I’d hear from Faith again, much less see her.

  After practically having lost all my friends from church, since they hadn’t texted or called, or barely replied to my texts, I considered myself officially friendless. Well, at least in person. Online, I had tons of friends from across the globe and even more fans of my writing to hear from on a regular basis. I also had Gary, so I wasn’t completely alone. However, I’d known my church friends for years, and I guessed that news of my writing “porn” must have spread like wildfire and had gotten them to see me differently, just like Faith did. It made me sad because I’d never thought they’d be that way. I wished I could find a much more liberal church that was still affirming to my sexuality. Detroit wasn’t exactly the most queer-friendly city in the country, so there was that.

  Chapter 8

  I drove home and entered my apartment. I set my keys on the kitchen counter, yanked off my mask, and collapsed on my bed while blowing a hard breath of exhaustion. It was the nice thing about living in a studio. No walls except for the bathroom. Everything was just there, together. After a moment, I forced myself off the bed since I could easily fall asleep from the comfort. I got undressed but left on my boxer briefs, and threw on a tank top.

  I grabbed my laptop from the floor and set it on top of the desk. As I turned it on and sat there, I started thinking about Gary again, but specifically about his original offer to video chat. I went online to download the Discord desktop app and create an account. I normally didn’t care for using apps for just one person, but I was extra curious to see Gary’s face. Then again, would he even show his face since he’d cropped his head in the picture?

  I figured out how to use Discord fairly quickly and sent him a friend request. He accepted almost immediately, and it showed him online, which made me a bit nervous because he’d probably assume I wanted to do video chat right at that moment. I wanted to, but I suddenly didn’t. Oh, I wasn’t sure. He wouldn’t even see me in my underwear because I never tilted the webcam that low.

  A video call request chimed a melody that startled me because I’d had no idea Gary would immediately start the call. I didn’t dare to reject the call because I’d have no explanation of doing so, since I was on Discord, after all. I accepted it and froze, not really knowing what to say.

  It was only Gary’s upper body in a black T-shirt that greeted me from the other side of the screen. It was just as hot as the picture. “Hello?”

  I snapped out of my brief paralyzation and forced some kind of a smile. “…Hello, Gary.” I gave him a little wave that turned out cornier than I’d intended.

  “Santiago Lucas Fernandez!” He chuckled. “I’m glad you accepted the call, by the way. I did wonder if you wouldn’t for a moment.” His voice was deepish with some husk in certain words, and it was enough to send shivers down my spine. “God, you’re so adorable.”

  Oh, no. I was on the verge of blushing, and I tried my hardest to fight it. It was so much easier chatting through text because I could hide behind a computer screen. That was no longer the case.

  “Oh? I’m sorry, am I making you blush?”

  That really didn’t help, and I lowered my head and gave a shy smile, half covering my face with my hand. I felt like a teen all over again because of how nervous and excited I was. I’d done video chat only with my exes, since all the other guys had been just brief dates. “Yep, you caught me.” I let out a tiny laugh.

  “Ready to see my face?”

  Oh, wow. So I’d see what he looked like after all. I sat upright and gave him another little smile. The more I stared at him, the harder I got. It was amazing how a headless and shirted torso could arouse me. “Sure, I just thought you were discreet.”

  “I am. But now that I actually see you on cam and alone, I feel more comfortable showing you my face. If you were around people, even family or friends, I wouldn’t do it.”

  “I understand. It’s cool.” Gary wasn’t out to very many people,
something I could relate to. I couldn’t believe it, though. The moment had finally come for the reveal. I was desperate to see his face, but at the same time, I enjoyed the mystery.

  “Okay, so, I’ll show you my face now, but first, let me see that you’re really alone. Please?”

  I gave him an obedient nod and quickly stood to get ready to lift my laptop, then froze, my eyes ready to pop out in mortification.

  “Oooh, nice bulge. Giving me a show or something?”

  I lifted my laptop to my face and pursed my lips in shyness. The visible tent in the front of my boxer briefs had given me away, and I panted a bit. “I’m so sorry, Gary, I-I didn’t mean to do that, I swear. I completely forgot I was in my underwear. I wasn’t thinking—”

  “Relax, Santiago, it’s fine.” He laughed softly. “Not like I haven’t seen a hard-on before. I’ll take it as a compliment, so thank you.”

  I chuckled but remained smiling tightly. I turned my laptop around in all angles to show him my studio. “See? I’m all alone.” I set my laptop on the desk and sat again.

  “Actually, I figured you were when you showed me how much I turned you on, since you wouldn’t do that around others.”

  I sighed, trying yet again not to blush. “Gary…”

  “I’m kidding! You know I’m a flirt. It just comes naturally to me.”