Pieces of the Heart

by Karen White

  Her hands went up to her head.

  “Just kidding. Figured you needed to lighten up before you stressed yourself out again.”

  He had the good sense to quickly leave the kitchen in time to hear the solid sound of a shoe hitting the closed kitchen door.

  CHAPTER 15

  JEWEL CLOSED THE LID OF HER MOTHER’S TRUNK, CATCHING PART of the quilt in the latch. As she bent to lift the lid and clear the material, the door of the bedroom opened and her father stood there, his eyes widened in surprise. In fact, it was more than surprise. He looked as if he’d seen a ghost.

  “Oh, it’s you,” he said after a brief moment. “I didn’t expect you to be here.”

  She quickly faced him, her back to the trunk with the piece of quilt still hanging out of it. “Likewise.”

  Slowly he stepped into the room. “For a moment I thought . . .” His words trailed away as if he were just realizing who he was speaking to.

  “You thought I was Mama?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. I guess I never really realized just how much you look like her until just a minute ago.” He laughed nervously and walked over to the windows, where the stack of unopened boxes still sat.

  “What were you doing in here?”

  She shrugged, trying to look casual. “Just hanging out. I’m still missing some of my books and was wondering if maybe they might be in one of these unopened boxes.”

  She watched as his gaze strayed to the boxes with the still-intact packing tape stretched across the tops.

  “Did you find anything?”

  “What?” Her breath stuck in her throat.

  “Your books. Did you find any of your books?”

  “Oh. No.” Without turning around, she tried to pinch the quilt corner into the crease between the lid and the trunk. “Well, I gotta go.” She started moving toward the door but the guilt overtook her before her hand reached the knob. Mama had always told her that a lie was a lot like a hot dog in a microwave: If left alone, it just got bigger and bigger until it burst and made a real mess.

  Jewel turned around and faced her dad again. “Sorry.”

  He looked at her sharply. “For what?”

  “For being in here. I came because I wanted to see what was in here and go through Mama’s things. I know you keep the door closed to keep me out, and I’m sorry that I trespassed.”

  He sat down on the bare mattress on the bed frame and let out a heavy sigh and even tried a smile. “Actually, I kept it closed because I didn’t want you to be upset by seeing your mother’s things.” He looked down at his hands before looking up at her again. “I read you wrong a lot, don’t I?”

  Jewel spotted the flash of white still dangling out of the trunk and quickly moved to it, putting herself between the quilt and her dad. “You could have asked, you know. And I would have told you that being with Mama’s things makes her a part of me again.” She thought for a moment, trying to think of words that would make him understand without hurting his feelings. “See, I thought you kept the door closed because you didn’t want to be reminded of her.”

  He stared at her for a long moment as if seeing her for the first time. “You amaze me. You really amaze me. How did you get to be so smart?”

  She grinned. “I inherited it from my mother.”

  Her dad smiled, too, as he stood. “So I guess that means that we can start keeping this door open.”

  Jewel nodded, but kept her back against the trunk.

  Her dad stopped in front of her and indicated the trunk. “Did you find anything interesting in there?”

  She shrugged. “No—not really. Just some old stuff. Junk, actually.” She added quickly, “But I’d still like to keep it.”

  He reached up and patted her on the head, and she realized it had been a long time since she’d allowed him close enough to touch her.

  “I promise that I’ll never take anything out of this room without talking to you first, okay?”

  “It’s a deal.” She stuck out her hand as if to shake. He took it, then pulled her closer for a hug. She wanted to pull back at first, before she realized just how good it felt to be hugged by somebody who loved you—even if that person didn’t seem to have the first clue about who you really were. She had always loved being hugged by her father, but after her mom died they had fallen out of the habit. It was as if they needed to draw up new rules now that there were only two players.

  “I miss her too, you know. And . . . and I know I wasn’t around a lot before and that you used to always go to your mother with your problems. But, well, if there’s anything you need to talk about, I’m here, okay? No matter what I’m doing, if I’m in my workroom or whatever, I want you to come to me and I’ll give you my undivided attention. Promise.”

  He ruffled her hair as if she were six again and set her away from him. His eyes looked suspiciously bright, so she looked away, not wanting to embarrass him.

  “Well, except for me not being allowed to try out for the swim team, everything is fine in my world right now. But I’ll keep you posted.”

  He wrinkled his forehead as he studied her. “Let’s not argue over this right now. I’ve already told you that I need you to build up your confidence, all right? It hasn’t been such a long time since . . . since your mother died.”

  She looked out the window, trying not to feel angry. “What if I could show you what a confident and strong swimmer I am now?”

  “But how can you be? You hardly ever come with me to the Y to practice. And you won’t let me hire you a coach.”

  “Right. So you can show up every day to tell us what I should and shouldn’t be doing and what wasn’t safe.”

  His face looked pinched, as if she’d just stepped on his bare foot with her wooden clog. “Whatever would make you think I’d do that?”

  She stared back at him with raised eyebrows and her arms crossed over her chest. “Hello? Remember the first—and last—session I had with a coach at the Y? Instead of reading the newspaper like all the other normal dads, you put on your bathing suit and jumped in the pool and started telling the coach how much I was afraid of the water.”

  Now he looked like she’d stepped on his foot with both clogs. “It was just . . . well, it’s hard to forget about your mother . . . and how you were with her when she died. I didn’t want you to panic in the water around people who didn’t understand what you’d been through. I just wanted to be there.”

  Jewel turned around and fiddled with the scrap of fabric that had been stuck in the latch so her dad couldn’t see her face. She had a feeling her eyes were suspiciously bright, too. “Yeah, well, maybe we can go to the Y this weekend. I bet you’ll be surprised.”

  He laughed, and it felt good to hear the sound. There hadn’t been much of that in their house lately. “Okay, it’s a deal. And I promise I’ll sit by the side of the pool and pretend to read my newspaper.” He studied her silently for a moment. “And have I already mentioned how smart I think you are?”

  “Yeah, a couple times. But don’t let that stop you.”

  He squeezed her shoulders, then ruffled her hair again. “Hey, I’m supposed to take Caroline shopping today for some good walking shoes. Do you want to come with us? If she bares her fangs, I might need your help to fend her off.”

  She elbowed him in the ribs. “Yeah, sure. Whatever. I don’t have anything going on today anyway.”

  “All right. Just be ready to leave at eleven. Which means you should start now, because that gives you only two hours to get dressed.”

  “Oh, please. It only takes me so long to get ready before school because I like to crawl back into bed after you wake me up.” She grinned up at him as he raised his eyebrow. “I can be ready in twenty minutes—just watch.”

  He looked at his wristwatch. “Okay. You’re down to nineteen minutes and fifty-nine seconds, so you’d better hurry.”

  “I’m going, I’m going,” she said. Then she stopped abruptly. “Does that mean you’re going to let me try out for
the swim team in the spring?”

  “No. I still think you’re too young and you won’t be ready.”

  She felt the familiar flash of irritation but didn’t want an argument to disturb the new truce she and her dad had somehow managed.

  “Forty-five seconds,” he said, looking at his watch again.

  “All right,” she said as she scurried out of the room, thinking that she had just shared more words with her dad in the last twenty minutes than she had in the last year. And that maybe it was a very good thing.

  Caroline was surprised to see Jewel with Drew when he pulled into the driveway. He got out of the truck, then moved to her side to open her door. “I hope you don’t mind if Jewel comes with us. She needed some sneakers for PE, so I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone.”

  “Glad to be considered a bird, I guess.” She looked pointedly at the door he was holding open for her. “And I’m not feeble either. I’m quite capable of opening my own car door.”

  He smiled that sickeningly sweet smile that showed off his white teeth and annoying dimple. “I never said you weren’t. But I wouldn’t be able to call myself a Southern gentleman if I didn’t open a door for a lady.”

  She rolled her eyes as she slid into the front seat and greeted Jewel. “Is he always this annoying or does he save it up just for me?”

  Jewel nodded her head emphatically. “Oh, he’s definitely like that with everyone. Although I will say he always opened doors for Mama. She never thought it was annoying.”

  “No, I guess she wouldn’t have.” She leaned her head back against the seat, remembering Shelby and how, at five-foot-three, she’d inspired the protectiveness of anyone who towered over her—which was just about everybody.

  Drew started the engine and pulled out onto the road. “I was trying to make a list this morning of everything we might need besides your footgear.” His gaze traveled down her legs to her Kedsclad feet. She crossed them at her ankles, tucking her feet away from his view. “And I wondered if we should pick up some energy bars or something to help with your stamina. But I didn’t know if there were any ingredients you had to avoid because of your antirejection medication, so I figured you could pick out whatever you’ll need while we’re there.”

  He gripped the wheel tighter, as if trying to figure the right words. “And you’ll probably want a fanny pack or small backpack to bring your medications and water bottles to swallow the pills.”

  She managed to repress a groan. She knew he was only being considerate, but she wished, just this once, that everybody didn’t know about her condition so they wouldn’t have to treat her differently. More than the scar, she hated that the most. “I’ve arranged to take my pills when I’m at home, so I won’t need to be taking them with me on a little walk.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

  “I had a heart transplant, not a brain transplant. And it hasn’t made me feeble, either.”

  “I didn’t mean to—”

  “So what do you have to do differently?” Jewel asked with a sweet smile on her face.

  “Nothing, really. My doctors have always told me that I can lead a relatively normal life. I don’t need special treatment.” She hated the way she sounded. She was just tired of giving the same explanation over and over again.

  “Passing out in the middle of an argument doesn’t seem normal to me.” Drew sent her a pointed look.

  “That was something completely different.” She took a deep breath to explain, once again, what was wrong with her physically. She had found that as long as she kept her explanations to the physical scars, she wouldn’t have to touch the other scars that nobody could see. “I haven’t been taking care of myself. I have a stressful job, I don’t eat right, and I never exercise. I have high cholesterol and even higher blood pressure. And a few months ago I had my first panic attack. The words alone sent my mother into her own panic attack, which is why I’m here. Okay, everybody? Now can we just drive to the store and get this over with?”

  Everybody was quiet for a while and she considered the subject dropped. They stopped at a red light. It wasn’t until they were rolling through the green light that Jewel spoke.

  “It seems to me that your mom realizes how lucky you are to have that heart. Did you know that only a small percentage of the population checks the donor box on their driver’s licenses? She probably feels as if you’re taking a really incredible gift and throwing it away.”

  Spots erupted in front of her eyes, and she wondered for a moment if she’d stopped breathing completely, because no oxygen seemed to be entering her head. She always did that when the pain hit her too hard. It was a self-preserving mechanism, like the smoke alarms that turned on in the kitchen when her mother burned something on the stove.

  She felt a warm hand on her forearm and thought it was Jewel until she opened her eyes and saw Drew’s worried expression.

  “Are you all right?”

  She nodded. “I’ll be fine. I . . . just . . . need to breathe.”

  Jewel grabbed her hand and squeezed. “We’re almost there. I vote that we stop for lunch at Sidney’s. They have the best chocolate shakes in the world.”

  Caroline managed a smile and nodded. “That’s a great idea.” Then she closed her eyes again and concentrated on the rise and fall of her chest until the truck stopped.

  They pulled into a spot in front of Sidney’s Deli and Drugs and then were seated at a small booth in the corner of the restaurant. An involuntary smile crossed her face as she remembered trips here with her mom and Jude. They had always ordered the same thing—grilled cheese, coleslaw, and chocolate shakes. Her mom had once claimed that one of Sidney’s shakes could cure a person of anything. Caroline’s smile faltered, knowing that however divine they were, there was nothing so easy that could take away the scars that never seemed to heal.

  Sidney himself came to the table to take their order. He looked the same except he was grayer and rounder, as if his extra years on earth had somehow leached the color from him.

  Caroline found herself speaking. “I’ll have the grilled cheese special with coleslaw and the large extra-thick chocolate milk shake, extra cherries on the side in a bowl.”

  She caught Drew’s gaze. “Don’t say a word. It’s comfort food. I figure I need that more than I need to watch my salt and cholesterol at the moment.”

  “I wasn’t going to say a word.”

  “Sure you weren’t.”

  “Really. I wasn’t.”

  She studied him for a moment and could almost believe that he was telling her the truth. Maybe it was his lawyer eyes that made him so convincing. Or maybe it was the way he had touched her arm in the car that made her believe what he told her.

  Jewel ordered the same thing. Caroline smiled and said, “Good choice.”

  “Grandma Rainy says the shakes are better than sex.”

  Drew’s face turned an interesting shade of pink. “Jewel! That is not how young ladies are supposed to talk. You should know better.”

  Jewel stared at her father indignantly. “But Grandma R—”

  Drew cut her off. “I don’t care if the pope said it. That’s not how you were raised.”

  “How would you know?”

  Caroline wasn’t sure whose face looked more horrified—Drew’s or Jewel’s. They both sat back on their respective benches and stared at each other in sullen silence. She watched them and felt guilty. It was good not being the center of attention for once, and to revert back to the girl she’d been before the accident. Back then she’d sat on the outside of her brother’s social circle, invisible, but with eyes and ears that never missed a thing.

  She looked now at father and daughter, at their similar poses and how each examined their fingernails as if they held great interest. A bystander wouldn’t even think they were related, so dissimilar were their features. But anybody who studied them long enough could tell they were related at least by shared memories and by the things that were never said. Their
lips moved silently, as if both were preparing to apologize, their faces mirroring the same grim image of something fragile and new ripped down the middle.

  Sidney came out with their drinks and even managed to break a smile when he placed the overflowing shakes in front of her and Jewel. Caroline leaned over and sucked on the straw, almost overcome with the icy chocolate sweetness of it. It had been a long time since she could remember actually tasting what she put in her mouth. She imagined it felt a lot like getting a color television after living with black and white.

  Closing her eyes, she said, “Rainy was right.” Her eyes popped open. “Oh, my gosh—did I really just say that?” She clenched her hands over her mouth as if to prevent anything else from spilling out.

  Jewel started laughing, and though Caroline could see he was trying to resist, Drew soon joined in.

  With her mouth full of chocolate milk shake, Jewel said, “How would you know? You’re not even married!”

  Jewel continued laughing, but Caroline and Drew sobered quickly. Jewel spoke around her full mouth before swallowing. “Sorry. I meant that to be funny, but it didn’t come out that way.”

  “Yeah, I figured. That’s okay.”

  Jewel turned her full attention on Caroline. “So, why aren’t you married?”

  “Jewel!” Drew’s face had turned to a mottled pink again.

  Caroline held up her hand. “That’s all right. I can answer that one.” She forced a smile to show a lightness she didn’t feel. “My work keeps me pretty busy, and the guys at the office are all either married or definitely not the kind you’d want to marry.”

  Caroline took another sip from her straw, trying not to notice that Jewel was wearing her contemplative face again, the one that reminded her of Shelby.

  “Is it because of your heart? I mean, do you feel that since it started out as somebody else’s that it’s really not yours to give?”

  The chocolate shake suddenly tasted like water. Yes, yes, yes, she wanted to shout. Nobody else had ever put into words the secret fears that had lived inside her for so many years. But they lived inside for a good reason, and she didn’t think she’d ever be ready to expose them to the light of day.